'the
diggest deep'
-
4 S.Britt
Our long,boring story begins in a short,boring
history in the mining operations of : Non-photo BLUE
(Non-Repro Dupliticus).
This
special shade of blue is not detected by cameras or Xerox
machines. First discovered in 1818 by monks on a reconnosence
mission commisioned by the Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte.
The monks were seeking refuge from thier so called 'cursed'
ship which was lost at sea for 60 days and 66 nights. While
not particularly bright monks.. the missionaries were undoubtedly
arrogant & spiritual. Convinced the ship they traversed
the seven sailable seas at that time was cursed due to an
unforseen force constantly 'rocking' the ship. During major
storms at sea ..the monks were pitted against the mightiest
rages of mother nature. The inherit violent 'wettness' and
cold temperate, amidst the many other challenges of traveling
by boat during the 1800s,and a galley of potatoes. One monk
is recorded as saying..:
"My
..if ze Lord wanted us to eat potatoes he would have made
them out of ze Meat !! Potatoes are ze devil's eyes !! "
..The
monks left the potatoes to rot and survived by eating thier
rations of leather sandles and all the salt water they could
drink. The monks crash landed on the west coast of a sporatically
populated land mass on what is now modern day Sacramento,
California. Immediately the monks left thier cursed ship
to bury the demonic potatoes,pray 42 Novenas to Our Lady
of Perpetual Potato Novenas, and to go paddle eachother
off on the top of a cliff somewhere. Skipping to the potato
burial.. digging deep amidst the rocks over looking something
or another.. the monks discoverd a bright 'Heavenly
Blue' lead. Which they dubbed as "God's
Lead". The monks scrounged as much lead as they could
carry in thier robes bringing back to the galley where the
demonic potatoes had been. The record states one monk stating
this statement.:..
"Thees
lead is made by God for us.. it is a sign that we are his
chozen messangerz and that we moost breeng ze lead back to
our Emperor Napoleon so zat he may grant
us ze magic powers of ze God's and rightful rule over ze Eiffel
Tower when it ees built !!"
The
monks named the land mass: "Sacramentle" meaning..:
'The sacred land of bond and blue'..and left confident of
thier immortality. The ship upon arriving back in France ..found
all the monks dead. Apperantly from ingesting something containing
lead poisoning. The last survivng monk blathered somethin'
about 'Cursed Heavenly Lead'. Officials saw him run off the
ship at port and onto the streets ranting on and on about
the "Devil's Eyes" & ping-pong paddles (which
hadn't even been invented yet). He shot himself 3 days later.
Sacramentle
was renamed Sacramento by some hippies in the 1860s
and evolved into the leading global supplier of Heavenly
Blue or Non-photo BLUE. Hippy Scientists
in the Science of Scientoligy and Non-Tom Cruisecrazyismology
over the decades discovered elemental properties of the lead
that allowed it to "NOT BE PHOTO-ED". One scientist
even claimed that the lead could be used to send secret codes
to intelligent agencies and spies to thwart the deeds of the
enemy as the messeges would be 'INVISIBLE'. Of coarse the
lead's powers were harnessed into 'pencil' form and that particular
scientist was later shot out to sea from a cannon.
By
the first third of the 20th century ..graphic designers,architects,
hippy photographers, and spies where using the lead in pencils
all over planet !! It bacame so popular ..Sacramento evolved
and built it's economy for the better part of over 100 years
soley on the mining of Non-photo
BLUE in one sole mine. A mine established
by Non-photo
BLUE entrepreneur and
third cousin twice removed from Napoleon
Bonaparte..a-one
:Saul Sully Britofski.
Saul's
great
great great (summin er other..give or take a 'great') grandson
and another decendant of Napoleon..:
S.S.
Britt Britofski ..reluctantly inherited mining operations
in the mid 1990s as long as it operated as near 98% independant
entity amoungst itself..and as long as he was able to exploit
his great-grandfather's wealth by being provided by all the
Non-photo
BLUE pencils he wanted. Such greed would
be ignored for a decade or so as the company operated under
the name "S.S. Britt Underground Drilling Services"
or "S.S.B.U.D.S.". The company provided the
globe with it's exclusive supply of lead ..while corruption
and cover-ups continued behind the scenes with 'zero' knowledge
given to Britt. The company bearing his name at some
point would become within itself one of the nation's most
silent of scandels.
Non-photo
BLUE
is and was quickly becoming one of the rarest forms of pencil
lead in the nation. A dwindling yet extremely cheap lead ..(
50 botched investments in Non-Photo
Blue lab experiements using the lead as laxitive/caulking..this
was the secret and supressed reason the Donner Party
earned thier place in history)..after 1995 and during the
great 'Internet Boom' Al Gore claimed to invent after
eating 3 too many vegtable spider burritoes..the demand for
the lead only increased as designers by the 1000s found that
it increased thier magical internet powers ten fold. By 2001
the worlds supply of the lead was decreased 1/4 in only six
years. Environmentalists and Al Gore were subconsiously
outraged. Yet no legal or government action of any kind was
taken against S.S.B.U.D.S. until a recent accident
in the mines traped a Minor Miner Party three feet
deep in a Non-Photo Blue mine
just south of S.S.Britt's mansion in the southwest
subburbs of Sacramento. Not knowing what to do trapped three
feet down in a mine..just short of cannibalism..the miners
wired for help. ::
" No.82 ..
To: Boss Britt..
Trapped 3 feet deep
in mine.. -STOP- .. Need help ..-Stop- .. Please help us..-Stop-..what
the heck were you thinking -COMA- Bonehead -EXCLAMATION POINT-I'm
calling my lawyer..-STOP-..How many licks does it take to
get to the Tootsie Roll Center of a Tootsie Pop..-Question
Mark-..I am going to eat my coworkers for sustenance ..i don't
care i'm union -STOP- Send Cake..-STOP- GET ME OUTTA HERES
-EXCLAMATION POINT- -STOP-
To
busy to spring into action.. but to lazy to do something active
about it himself..it was just easier to put the problem on
someone else. Britt decided to call in on one of
his favours.
ACMO
Inc.- ..an independent manufacturing and industrial subsidiary
of a corrupt corperation quite fancied and frequnted by a-one
:"Wile E. Coyote".. started in 1958 by
Thomas Mc Tokkapuss.. and currently unconsciously
run by Snapping Turtle enthusiest and Grandson of Mr.Mc
Tokkapus..: tOkKa.
tOkKa
owed Britt three or four dollars in back rent. 22
dollars in unclaimed poker winnings. And 500 in salad-bucks
to the "Olive Garden". Just short of calling
the 'Sneeze Gaurd' on tOkKa but before the media
could make a mockery of the mining mishap..: Britt set
tOkKa in charge of the rescue operation to save the
Miners. tOkK went to the site with his cheapest,
most advanced piece of junk drilling/rescue machinery hobbled
together in the industry:
..the
"Digging Underground Gargantuan
v.600o" dubbed the
D.U.G.- 6000 !!
Hobbled
out of spare parts scavenged from real Hobbits,an
out-of-work dental assistant, and parts salvaged from the
D.U.G.s 1 to 5999. tOkKa drilled three feet into
the ground and saved the miners in one full.."SCOOOOP"..!!
One
miner complained of back injury at the jaws of D.U.G.
and sued tOkKa for a semi-botched rescue. Not one
for heroics-praise or being sued.. tOkK took the
miner out to the coffee counter in hopes to talk him out of
dropping the law-suit. After finding they don't serve whisky
at a coffee counter. The Miner then counter-sued tOkKa ..(ironically
at the counter) for 450 million dollars. tOkKa was
left D.U.G.G.-less,homeless, and penniless and was
later arrested by the Humane Society for urinating
on the hydrant in front of the Post Office. He was
thrown into a dog pound and became the pound puppy and bitch
to the Bulldog named : Bruno.
**
~~ ~~ - - - ..then tOkKa woke up to a cold sweat
in a urine soaked bed..and vowed he'd not-evernever ever ever
ever again chew on his Non-photo
BLUE pencils
again before bed time.
~
NON-PHOTO ..FIN !!
Piece
made special for the industrial ; S.
Britt !!
CRAYON,colour
pencil,magic marker,inks,special 'Miner' sketchbook rendering
from the personal files of S.Britt,Ph.shop,Macromedia
Firworks..
and
absolutly NO
.. Non-photo
BLUE !!
- 30 MARCH 2006 |
