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'kaiju korn - ("Vampire-eating Corn on the Cob")..'
♦ ♦ ..dedicated to my Yokai lovin',corny amigo ..::Scythemantis ♦ ♦
..Oddball licking case file :: 'Vampire Infestation Bites The Heart of the Farmland Corn Industry'..headlines screamed !! "This has nothing to do with KORN, ya Korn Kobs..this is summin' to crow about !! " Batty Scientists,impaler enthusiasts,BatMan, and Vampire-rights activists were stunned at the events that followed. These events seed n' center to mid-center section in the transensual corn harvest lands of Transexual, Transylvania. One farmer said what may very well cover the entire debate:: "Them Nosferatus is suckin' th' life outta mah crop,livel'hood n' candycorn an' cornsyrup harvest. It's bats,ya joker.. Nipples n' Nibblettes !!" Commentary by leading Snapperologist..:'tOkKa' created an additional uproar to the debate that exacerbated those that masturbated in the corn fields on the entire affair. Tokka states:: "..'Megatron' embodies a life of deception ..she continues to lead the Decepticons under various pseudonyms and guises that continue to confuse the general populace as a whole into a hole." The backlash by the Transformers Community was phenomenal at tOkKa's insensitive remarks. Follow-up comments from the Snapper indicated that his comments had absolutly nothing to do with the illustration above ..but were his..::" chance to imply that Megatron was really a woman." The hatemail,jeers,death threats,spit-wads and letter bombs continued. Back to the barnside of Transylvania ;peasants and farmers alike created the 'Angry Mob-Coalition'. Similar mobs in the past help lead to the downfall of various monster mobsters created by a-one :: Dr.Frankenstein ..or even venerable Phantoms of the Opera ..for example. The Coalition comprised of peasants,pitchforks,torches,sporks,broken down pick-up trucks, n' an Ol' Houn'Dawg named :JEB..stormed the Transexual House of Parliament demanding prompt action on the recent 'VAMPIRE INFESTATION' !! On generous grants from the 'Duke Phillips Agricultural Institute' (who's recent scientific work in nuclear technology was successful in recent decades for creating advances for the world's demands for bigger carrots, potatoes that play the bagpipes, and the globes' corn-cob pipe smoking industry.) and Monsanto ..an 'Environmentally Friendly' extermination plan was devised in typical Transylvanian tradition behind closed doors. Any further information requested was deemed top-secret and that door was slammed in the face on all reporters and the general public. For a number of months ..the Vampire manifestation continued. Bloodsucker/Chupacabra advocates and lobbyists were still up in arms with the Trasexual government as various 'Vampire Termination Bills' were up for debate and voting. But soon the vampire population started to drop rather drastically. Mysterious reports of a 100 ft. 'Corn Stalker' ravaging the Transexual vegtable plains of Transexual, Transylvania ..thus giving tOkKa another chance to state the word 'Transexual'. Once again Snapperologist ,Tokka indicated that science tells us that this strange occurrence may very well indicate that science is saying that the drop in the vampire populace in the crop-land of Transexual may well very vary but could be indicative that this may very well tie into whatever the hell he was talking about in the first place. Unsure ..tOkKa scratched his noggin then readily admitted that 'Transexual' was rather fun to say. The only eyewitness willing to speak on the 'Corn Monster' appearances was an undead Orville Redenbacher (tOkKa again indicated that this was his chance to indicate the indicative double entendre that wasn't and to indicate that the popular Microwave Popcorn industrialist/philanthropist was in fact one of the undead.) Redenbacher:: " It's terrible !! This truly is a beast from the butteriest parts of hell !! This is a 'VAMPIRE-EATING' CORN ON THE COB !! It's devouring us ..it's the end of the world !! And be sure to try my new Orville Redenbacher TM Microwave Strawberry Kettle Corn !! Available in ORIGINAL and LITE !!" A disgruntled Green Giant with a cob up his arse who refused to give his real name reports saying..: "Why the f7ck do we need the government wasting hard-earned Transexual tax-dollars ..stepping in with some 'Mutant Corn' project?? God..this is why I buy organic. Hell the little fanged buggers were easy to take care of..I used to squarsh'em with my foot in the grasslands any time they tryed to bite my ankles or look up my tunic !! But peaks and vallies aside..I'd like to take this moment if you will to clear one thing up..::Ya know..I don't care what anyone says.. i don't masturbate in my corn fields !! I just don't do things like that !! Ho Ho Ho !! " U.N. Investigators are looking into the contraversy as well as the real secrets in the flavouring of 'Movie Theater Butter' & masturbating giants. Oddly enough..a recent Bunnicula outbreak has ransacked and reduces all recent vegtable harvests and raising Tomato prices. A government official is on record as saying :: "This whole Tomato thing just adds more insanity to epidemic and Tim Curry (Gosh i'm hungry.) . All i can say is that it's rather fruity. I'd be intrested in studies that inflict the Bunnicula and vampire bunnies on CGI vegtables and protect our sovernty from militant Veggie Tale Terrorists. That's all i am allowed say on our next defence project :'Mutato'. Any further request for comments is an atttack and a killer on my integrity and the Tomato harvest as a whole." Recorded messages received from Terrorist Leader 'Osama Larry Boy' usually have words and sentences that include the likes of :: 'Jesus' , 'Bible' and 'Agenda ?? What Agenda??'..confusing all this even more so. Still on the other side of the coin..the strange corn-monster sightings continue by corn farmers,villagers,and pop-corn lovers,Carmel Corn Sailors ,and Wheat Penny collectors alike. In a strange turn of hypocrisy ..Vampires have also been added to Transexual's Endangered Species List due to the creamy problem. After a long exhaustive study on this crisis ..Tokka concludes..:: 'Look this originally started out as opportunity for me to make alotta bad corn puns and to give people a real bad headache. But now i've lost focus !! All glucose levels taken from this supposed monster are enzymatic. Sexualluy it makes me frustrated and something very starchy is going on below my belt and it isn't my pants.' Frazzled and Corningworn to dish much more out..tOkKa soon seemed to realize he wasn't wearing any pants. He continues..:: "Of all the glucose agents and red tape the high fructose authorities have refused to listen to any of my tripe !! I just hope the Vampire-Transylvanians of Transexual,Transylvania can saccharide this out. The d4mm feds at the HGFS think this is all about cryptozoology,corn,wampires,hellions,cross dressing,fangs,cornucopias, pilgrims and blood-sucking erradication. I know it's a pain in the neck.. but they have created a maize of litigation that makes all this made-up,corny fantasy even more confusing.All the money and funds that could be helping the homeless vampires is all tied up in the Sweedish and Trinidad Blood Banks. I'm not a chicken.. you're a turkey. God..I can't believe it's not butter!! Really it's not about any of this.. it's about a real issue of a prejudiced few in the hallowed halls power in the Transexual Government itself. It's all a real drag. Whatever the case.. this entire project was a total waste of Make-up. I don't care anymore.. Why'nt ya call Count Chocula or Cornelius Rooster er summin' ya,flake !? Now if you'll 'scuse me.. i gotta go fit for a tunic. I'm not wearin' any pants here !!" *** *** x -- November 11,2006 |