'Sacred Hurt ..(merci being)'

.." ..your brain dunn bubble ,tOkKa.. tap is leaking again..

..a planet in mourning .. my heart is enflamed..

.. Sacred hurt..

Bodycount..

..vision, a voice.. doing ones best ..feeling ones's worst.. Thank you.. i thank you.. i thank you so much.

Throw this shell in the bodycount..

.. they won n' now what ? Thank you so much for despondency.. thank you so much .. .. i wish to thank them

..i want to ask them what the f7ck they all want from me ?? ..

O' wait ..what the hell did i do this time??

Please crack my spine.. please break my ribs.

Jesus a liege..a savior indeed.. they've made him a leech of a sovereign ..that's why i leave.

Thank you.. i thank you.. i thank you so much.

He drinks and she drinks.. how many go numb..

..bubble up brain.. yeh ..noone understands.. noone can.. noone will..

Sucking and screaming.. repining..

Things can always get better..within' they get worse.. one afirmation is another one's curse.

Amassment of grey thought ..the middle i walk..

..darkness in hope ..life in oblivion ..i cannot thing..

..i cannot connect.. in reality.. this shell is not real..

Pinch me.. thank you ..

..My heart is on fire.. silence i seek.. the pain long inflicted..confusion it breeds.

Voices :: opinions..explanations they need.. my ears are bleeding.. shiver my spine.

.. nervous breakdown .
..happy motherfucker's fancie hi-tech vlog-blogg i-pod peice of shit..happy and puffy like all that goddamm..

.. dark thought rides here.. happiness bleeds.. thank .. i thank you..

What the fuck do people want from me anymore anyway ??

.. my breakdowns .. my own.. one fights best he can .. still ain't good enough is it ?! Take me down a notch.. thank you.

This isn't right.. that isn't right.. i cannot do this ..i always do that..

..generation .. degeneration..blanket distraction ..

..shit happens..

..i bleed cowardance..

My puny mind can muster so much. As i wallow in shits of my frustration .. again..the thoughts of fading logic and reason ..always out of my grasp ..no mater how hard it pains me to understand.

..i bleed the failure..

People scream 'Fag'..Let it go ,Tokka.. that's ok,Tokka.. let it not devour you. It devoures inside,

The simplest things.. turn in to nightmarish cycles and projects. Stupidity reigns.. and i include myself in the logically imparement factors of it all. I'd wager if anything were to make sence .. on this planet the process from point A to point B ..to point C would be exceptionally smooth. Thus for some ((or many..i don't know anymore)) these transitions are not so clear-cut. That being said..i just stated the obvious once again. Now i'll wait for the proverbial slap on the wrist for that.

Make it a cut or rounded slice with a nice sharp n' blunt object and we can call it even. tOkKa is blunt.

..i bleed sarcasm..

'1 Man - 1 Woman' needs to be protected at all costs no matter who gets slaughtered in War.. or how dangerous the planet gets.
Yeh .. well thanks,douchebags..

.."The Evil Extreme Gay Plotters of The Destruction Of One Man and One Woman Marriage" or T.E.E.G.P.O.T.D.O.O.M.O.W.M. as they like to call it at the Gay Hall of Marriage Doom .. mark your calender!! Whoo -hoo !! .. can't wait to destroy all marriages..it's just that simple ain' it !? Grab a mob some pink torches n' pitchforks.. go raid the "New Life Church" !!

The energy sucked out of the night.. hesitation to figure anything out anymore ..i turned back.

Dizzy as fuck.. .. i threw up in the sink. I coughed up blood again. Stung.. and worn.

This wasn't the first time anything like this happend..i always pray it's the last. And the simplest things..always to much to ask for. I spent more energy trying to figure out how things than actually doing it sometimes.

Sometiems this snapper can create a scene without even knowing it if he's not careful.

One would have smashed a window and tried to swallow all the peices if one wasn't careful.

.. death tolls rise.. even as a blankness and a blur smothers me.

..i bleed audio..

.. vocality is all over.. turn off a radio.. turn off a T.V. .. it's still there.. there is no such thing as silence. I get the questions.. "You still seeing stuff.. you still hearing voices,Tokka ??"
Yeh ..O',blessed Virgin.. shut the f8ck up.

"As ususal..eh,Tokka." ..

Yeh ..mix it up a little..

Tell me what i did wrong this time.. or what you don't approve of me doing. Vicious.. take advantage of me. Make things public.. humiliate me for all eyes to see. You see that ?? You see Tokka ?? Thanks for watching.. as my insides spill out. Take my cardiac organ as a memento.

Speaks venom..O' how terrible..a scizophrenic ,evil fag son. O' woe.. woe..

..toxic. ..brain drains.. my ribcage popped out..

Reactionary..

i do what i can to make things better.. i am doing what i can to make it better for myself and the people around me.. i do what i can.. i do what i can..

NOT GOOD ENOUGH !~! God i wish i had a heavy drink..

..struggles to find work.. how i could be trying harder. Thank you.. tell me again.. rub it in my face how i don't make enough money.. remind me that i don't make shit !! Remind me how much of a late bloomer i am.. go on.. treat me as if i'm so retarded that

What do they want from me !? What do they need..

I AM NOT FUCKING PERFECT.. I AM NOT ALWAYS ABLE TO BE HAPPY.. I TRY I TRY .. NOTHING IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE.. TRYING ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE. MY REULTS ,MY RESOLVE.. NOTHING EVER EVER IS DONE GOOD ENOUGH. I CAN'T BEND OVER AND SCRATCH MY ASS WITHOUT 50 PEOPLE DEMANDING AN EXPLANATION !! A LOVE/HATE REALTIONSHIP WITH HOME. BITE THE FUCK OUT OF ME.. TELL ME HOW IT'S ALL MY FAULT.. TELL ME SOME MORE.. GRAB MORE SALT..SMEAR SOME MORE IN THE WOUNDS.. EXPAIN TO ME AGAIN HOW IT'S ALL MY DOING AND WHY I AM MY OWN UNDOING IN THE TOMB-LIKE NATURE THAT THIS CITY CAN SOMETIMES GUISE ITSELF IN.
NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH.. I TRY.. I DO .. NOT GOOD ENOUGH ..

Body shuts down again.. i struggle with pill.. no feeling ..

To burn to feel. Working on that too..

TELL ME WHY I AM BAD.. GO ON.. YOU DON'T LIVE IN THIS BODY BUT YOU ARE MORE THAN WILLING TO GO ON AS TO WHY THIS BODY FUNCTIONS THE WAY IT DOES AND DICTATE THE ENTROPY OF THINGS EVEN I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF AND THINGS YOU'LL NOT EVER HAVE A CLUE ON !!

Thank you.. a long time of chaotix this shell has known..

KEEP IT UP ..SPEW OUT HOW BAD I AM.. PUNCH ME..SMASH ME !! BEAT ME.. AGAIN !! SMASH MY HEAD INTO THE WALL !! DO IT.. POUND MY SKULL WITH YOUR FISTS LIKE IT'S JUNGLE DRUMS !! PULL MY HAIR OUT IN CHUNKS !! SIT ON ME.. AND CRUSH ME SO I CANNOT BREATH !! DO IT !! EVERYONE GATHER ROUND ..HUMILIATE ME MORE !! EXPLAIN ONE AT A TIME HOW THE FUCK I'VE DESTROYED YOUR LIFE WITH MY 'AGENDA' WHEN I'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG TO HARM YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE !! GO ON !!
MAYBE THE PAIN IS GOOD.. "WE'RE ALL SUFFERING. Thank you !!"

YEH IT'S ALL OK ..Bodycount.. ONLY AFTER THE BODYCOUNT HAS RISEN TO RECORD HIGHS AND EVERYONE BECOMES MORE IN DANGER.. THAT'S ONLY WHEN THEY LISTEN. GUESS BEST ..AT LEAST THEY LISTEN NOW ..

FAMILY VALUES.. BEAT YOUR KIDS.. FAMILY VALUES.. TRY TO KILL YOUR NEIBOR .. THAT'S WHAT JESUS WOULD'A DONE..EH,DOBSEN ??

WHAT THE HELL DID I DO THIS TIME ?? Yeh we established i f8cked up about 10 million times now.

.. contant frustration.. continual masturbation..thank you.. thank you so much. Remind me again.. and thank you.

..no thing as silence. Angel's still singing..

You cannot enjoy what exists not..

.. HOW EVIL I AM.. HOW EVIL I BECOME..PERHAPS I WAS MADE INTO THIS..PERHAPS NOT..PERHAPS I ALLOWED IT. I SHALL BURN FOREVER I..HELL FIRE IS MINE.

Heart aflame.. how i hate you, heart.

Redneck here n' a redneck there..

..there is a very VERY good chance i would have the police called on me for attacking an ignorant and obnoxious f7ck who riped into one of my friends there for not being able to return an item because the idiot forgot his receipt and can't take any form of responibility and just decides to blame the Wal-mart staff and treat them as his slaves.Good people working hard..

..and a sick fuck pounces around as if it's own to exploit.

I cannot get it.. i do not understand these things..

..noone listens ..noone understands..

..infamous words.

..infamous TRUTH.. (??)

..thank you.. i thank you.. i despise you , mind..

Intuition knows no familiarity here ..

How can you fight it when you don't know how anymore.

Trying fails..and nothing you do is good enough.

..walking the dream ; so unreal..

..i bleed choas.. i bleed love.. i bleed myself blind..

how could i expect anyone to give me chance in anything when i cannot even be real enough to even get any help that WORKS!?

How could i expect..??

..how could i question..??

..you couldn't beleive me anyway.

..my eyes bleed..

The machina of mechanics and complexity of abuse and trauma that is my resident in my main maternal figure presents a very toxic relation that has manifestied in a very poisonous mix of love and hatred.

Tears and blood. Balance exists for those with an exitance less chaotic.. or a least a power to understand such.

..you could conquor it if you truly wanted to.

..yep .. brownie points are not even given to anyone for even trying. Yeh fine i'm anal.

Thank you so much..

.. she sang me to sleep.. she spits on me .. she held me..she sang to me.. she spits on me.. she smashed me in the skull ..she sang to me again.

Drown in the grey .. as the dark fire spreads. Yet they underestimate this snapper once again.

..perception bleeds..

As i close my eyes.. my mind expands to vastness and things noone can ever see..

..angels sing.. an angel cries.. an angel bleeds. Perhaps i am needed elsewhere.. on other thoughts and other planes ??

In sync but maybe not more than two at a time.. the most sacred of hearts may be thinking of me.

Places where things live and breath..and hope in things green. Flight of the fancy and the cosmos is lovely.

Necrosis means nothing.. and existence is bewildering without pain. Perhaps one heart needs me yet ..perhaps.

And you scream ..for the emotional toll that you feel ..not out of false joy, blindness in gods..

but some ancient arts of love and survival.

This snapper had tasted these things long ago. They are not dead in me yet.

Sanctuary without walls.. ..and dreams are not riddled in nightmares yet are wonderful & imperfect.

Eyes slowly open.. to rub crusts from your lashes.. the uncertain firecurtain still covers your heart.

These devices.. these complications.. these divides.

Thank you, my heart.. your still on fire. Mind..never mind.

I Reign in my rant..maniacal grey..rain on my heart.. i thank you for reading.

** -- **

-- Click here ,if you wish to listen to 'Soda Shop' by Jay Brannan !!--

..crayon,Ph.shop,clour pencil,magic marker,Fireworks,

water-based finger painting,knee-bone connected to the paintbrush

- 22,November 2006