{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
martes, diciembre 24, 2002
-->> 
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
R0tten.com was always told as a place to stay very far away from on the net..
.. the images to grotesque.. only police and emergancy officals would really be able to stomch such visuals with
a semi-steel stomach.. it is a place i regularly visit in web surfing. The images within are both humoured upon..
.. and sometimes simply stated as to what they are.. this one photo of the dead girl was described as
' a murdered child sleeps' .. within the past 3 years so much had happened and the things i grew to love, the people,
..the places, the globe..everything so radically changed & fucked with me ( as they do everyone at some point)..
..it became clear..in my head.. that all i ever really tried to do scince i was a child was die. ..DEAD ..
I never had the 'normal' childhoods.. many of my friends had.. i didn't ever see anything but a very VERY
confused and nuerotic love. Manic,topspy turvey,abused,hated,loved,scorned,supported,angered,frustrated,
abrasive,warm,caring,cold,depresed,repressed,held,happy,dark,sad,shot,stabed,burnt,pounded,slashed,kicked..
kissed,torn,hugges,slapped,deep,smacked,belted,sat upon,tusseled,scared,good,evil,bad good,spoiled,contradicted..
..ECT.ECTECTECTECTECTECTECT..
.. many friends had a very bad childhood..making the stronger and gaurded people they are today..
some are colder.. some are more open and warm somehow.. the ones with good childhood memories and
experiences.. someof these people are so understanding and loving.. open minded and warm.. and some are so
blind and into the shelter of thier own lives.. they would never think beyond the comfortable factors of the mundane
lifestyles the live and the wonderful means of convienence and plastic fodder.. no these people are pretty much into..
..them.. themselves.. ..i am one of both..good,bad,nuetral..
.. and everything in between.. here i am..
.. grown 7 year old boy .. pretending to be a man.. i'm so lost in my own childhood confusion.. i don't even
realise how lucky i am to post this 'FODDER' on my idiot blog noone reads.. ..i can at least.. "VENT" on this retarded
thing and pretend some one will read it and give a fancy shit care.. .. ..
..that girl never got to see beyond 6 it looks like.. she prolly is in a better state in the heavens now.. and she prolly
is with love and care she deserves.. She didn't ask for that.. she didn't ask to die.. she didn't crave death like me..
.. she didn't live in mundane lifestyle and she didn't have anything but her whole life ahead of her.. motherfuckers..
.. i can see these tragic and morbid things..on Rotten .. that kid will never get to pick up a pencil..
.. it's Christmas eve.. and the awful plauge of 2oo2 and life in general is about to close for me.. .. ..
..i have died 2000 times before.. what makes this time any different ?? don't know.. .. but i have an idea why..::
mundane
adj 1: found in the ordinary course of events; "a placid everyday scene";
"it was a routine day"; "there's nothing quite like a real
...train conductor to add color to a quotidian commute"-
Diamant [syn: everyday, quotidian, routine, unremarkable, workaday]
2: concerned with the world or worldly matters; "mundane affairs";
"he developed an immense terrestrial practicality" [syn: terrestrial]
: belonging to this earth or world; not ideal or heavenly;
"not a fairy palace; yet a mundane wonder of unimagined kind
"so terrene a being as himself" [syn: terrene]
Source: WordNet ® 1.6, © 1997 Princeton University
..this word is now written in my flesh..litterally.. i soldered it on my right arm..
..long ago i lost my will to live,to like my identity,a little over a year ago..i denyed my humanity,this morning..
i have lost my humanity.
Faith..in things.. in statues,in God,angels,and things of extraordinary nature mean nothing..
..these 2 bastards::
are more important than the lives of good hard working,caring,good,loving people and their souls..
..for Jesus preaches that unless you are born-again into him..you will perish forever in hell.. that
includes.. (why??)
..THAT LITTLE GIRL..??
.. these things are ok?? ..to God.. and man.. the pure and whole.. and innocent.. can jsut waste away to.. ash ..
Eternally ?? Why?? WHY?? What if the kid was born in an Athiest family.. or a Jewish family??
..WHAT ABOUT HER SOUL ?? What about her? ? .. faith.. i have faith..in what?? This fucking keyboard
i type with to plaster on a didital blog on nothing?? WHAT??
..
.. yeah.. i'm pretty gone of faith..in really all things.. where so many are loosing thier lives,living,destroying,hurting..
mauling,kidding,murdering,loving,seeing,knowing,bleeding,crying,hitting,bombing,caring .. feeling..
ECT. .. . ECT EACTECTECTECT.. . . . . . .
.. ..rotting.
.. i have so waited and tryed GAINING my turn.. nothing but this "SELFISH" act..
..they are all dead.. they all die.. they all go away.. even the mundane little boy that types this shit ..
..they all have it worse than me.. i should be thankful and happy this sumppump in my chest is still beating..
.. to feel so s0 SO sorry for myself.. o.. gee..i need another perk pill.. ..
..right now 'NINJA TURTLES' and all my plastic littles are things to step on.. my brain is't even aware of the
pains i just imbeaded in my flesh for the umpteenth time.. and my emotion is nil.. and non..
'THE MOMENT'.. there is no moment for one who has no concept of time.. or reality..
.. i am not real.. i have not been.. i thought i felt it.. i was wrong..
.. i used to care for 'Ninja Turtles',Jesus,fluffy things,and plastic.. i was hurt and killed by them all..
..i fell in love ..what i thought was love 3 times in my life..i screwed up each and everyone of those.. and even the
plastic few times i was pretending to be in love.. this last time.. i was in love..maddly and morbidly..
.. so much so it drove me insane and so confused.. by the time i 'KNEW' it had to be real.. i had to be real..
THIS WAS REAL .. it was.. the love so true and maddeningly yet beautifully sureal..
.. i found out..i was in love with an answering service and a machine..
..the burning,the smell and pain of soldered flesh was real for a moment.. but..
and simple proof of something to touch,sence with smell..
hear with my ears the krinkle,see the ways things were formed and shaped..
these little details make things so real..
..like feeling warm grass on your feet..
and each little green and brown blade can be cool and warm at the same time..
..in your toes as you walk.. the smell, the veiws, the sky.. the birds..
the things i take for granted..
.. the things the blind,deaf,and dumb.. compensate and appreciate to the fullest..
..the snow.. the bright sparkles.. the ice.. the chill.. the wonderful chill..frosty,real..
the warm muzzle of the gloves and
your jacket as your body tries to keep warm..
the odd way the breath is 'VISABLE' as you breath out in the snow flakes..
..to feel the snow on your nose.. and to be real as you are amazed at the wonderful grey sky..
and how vast it is filled
with snowflakes.. wow.. real.. real
..i guess i am immensly selfish for wanting simple things..
..i was once real.. i was somebody's child too.. that girl was real.. she still IS
somebody's memory..
.. she still exsists in some plane.. in some exsistance .. and in my heart..
if all the world mocks that memory..
.. at least when i die.. i can say i didn't.. . . i was real.. i felt real..i felt..
i am not real now.
.. i have to sort a few thgings out. Say good bye to my family and friends..
and finish the circle that began when
i was born.. this quite possibly will be the last thing i post. I wish i was more optomistic about this.. but
everytime i say it IS ..i fail like the shit that i am.. and the mouse i am.. and the shell of a man i
pretend to be.. the lost,spoiled little boy that IS.. no more pain.. no more pain.. i will disapear..
..no more pain for anyone.. no more pain for me??
If i go to hell.. ETERNAL PAIN..
ok..i 'll see all the Christians there.. the co called 'Christians'..
..not the real ones..
..i am.. i was.. me am.. me was.. wow.. stupid as i type.. feel nothing.. even th0' i was burning..
.. happy holidays.. people are suffering and dieing.. and a little girl is still dead ..
..open up what santa brought you.. .. g0 on..
..
..
i hope your circles will remain unbroken.. >v<
lunes, diciembre 23, 2002
-->> .. i started playing with fire a bit ago.. . . . i never feel real anyway.. well there are some sporatic and special times i AM REAL.. sometimes .. during these odd moments.. i am paniced as hell.. i know people are going to die.. and i want all those that i love to live.
.. i burn myself much.. with soldering irons.. and knives amoung other things.. to feel whatever.. i smash mu head against the cement walls of the old basement i live in.. i halluciante:: tigers,teeth,heads,sharks.. amoung other things.
..i always.. ALWAYS.. come across to people as.. something..unintelligant,retarded..or just so dumm..
.. i am always trying to die.. i want to die.. so genuinly so.. ..it is waht is so real.. so strong.. so needed .. so wanted..
..so welcome..sweet release from the mundane plastic fodder of all this manic stress..
..Gawd.. the more i play with that fire.. i want it..
.. i cannot avoid it now
.. i was spraying the Glade on the stove.. . . . . . it gives me ideas....
... i am always thinking of how to die or to feel real..
I am f7cked up and know some f6cked up people.
One f6ckin' Moron who thought he could f5ck with me and my friends thinks that a Ninja Turtle is going to kill and rape him.. He wrote a story so important to his 'reputation' and 'pseudonym' .. he would put this "FANFICTION" over people.. for it is something he is more than willing to rub in people's faces.. it is important.. cuz his ego will be 'tarnished' if you accidentally CALL HIM BY HIS REAL NAME..
F7CKER THREATENED (damm caps) me and got in between something that wasn't even dirrected tword him. It was a joke between me and a friend. He said i had an acid tounge .. and that i am famous for it..
..well f8ck him.. i am more famous for being retarded and crazy.. so i will give into the mundane as everyone else.
.. ninja Turtles is always so much more important than people,life , and dealing with 'REALITY'.. i am a fine one to talk.. i am just the crazy little Schitzo boy who is to f6cked up too type normal or figure out his html. .. .. f7ckit.. i need to burn..