{ the dead archival }
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sábado, abril 12, 2003 -->> dEAF EARS.. .. i'm in 3 rooms at once.. usually i cannot stay online in front of the computer for extremly long periods of time.. cuz too much to do.. my computers are too old.. and my connection is too slow.. so while web things are loading and sh7t.. i usually rush in and out of the work room.. painting .. go to comp.. go wash dishes.. go to comp..work on chores.. go to comp.. homeworks.. go to idiot Wal-mart.. or what ever.. just to much to do.. something big is happening about someone i care very much for and am so wanting to be there NOW ..RIGHT NOW.. to help them .. can't.. stuck.. having to stay alive.. . . gaw.. kill me.. .. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   -->> .. Fear.. fear.. want to bleed so bad .. to feel pain ..great pain right now would be what i need.. but a more pressing matter needs my worn exsistance to remain as strong as it can. . . . want to die.. can't a h SH7t!! AAAAAAAH!! .. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   -->> .. i need a pill.. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   -->> .. like it or n0t.. it's time to move.. .. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   -->> .. need angel .. ah .. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   -->> ....so dead.. hardly feel real.. ..in a matter of hours ..the house i lived in for 8 years ..and the one my parents lived in for 11.. get's officially taken over by a f7cking sh1t tard cuz the lease was sold.. by this investor.. who lied to my folks saying he was going to help hthem.. but.. well the were kind of dumm too (my mawm and pop) cuz he said he'd help them by verbal agreement only.. the house was strong..but it is in disrepair..but i grew real fond of it.. i was my folks' only house keeper/maintainence/yard keeper for a long time ..and i hated how bad the house was suffing from abuse and my mawm's Good Will Clepto tendancies.. she always gave to the Good will ..only to go back and buy more than 1/2 what she gave so it never evened out.. poud for pound.. she bought purly on impulse.. and it caught up with her..problem is she never stopped. My Father even had a sign made sayin' .. 'When i die.. bury me at Good Will so my wife will visit..' My Mawm saved alot of money buying sh7t she never really needed n' now.. well.. it's piled in my old bed room on the top floor of thier goofy old 3 story house.. which will be sad to see go.. but it's gunna be renovated and it isn't my Pop's anymore.. so. He got lucky and found a place close by.. and my sister ,Kate got a place fairly close.. along the same stretch of street. The house held alot of memories.. many bad.. some good..too many suicidal tendancies and visists by cops (i almost died in that house..so many close calls).. so many beautiful mornings in the backyard camping..and watching my fuzzy old cat 'Grey Alien Cat' jump around cawing back in her best kitty-raven voice to the big black birds that flew around there..i did alot there..and really got most of my independace within that time.. i also really started to get to know the love of my life there..so..it's all connected within those confines.. WOW!!.. Of a the dumm places my parents moved to in this idiot town..(Colorado Springs)..it was the one they stayed in the longest.. well.. the good thing is..it's gunna force Mawm to go thru her eXXCesS and really.. see what she has.. and maybe Pop will get bold and tell her to get rid of it.. dunno.. she's so busy anymore..running her own nursing agency..and already wanting to expand that.. plus her private duty nursing and mangaorial nurse positions.. i relly don't know what to think.. she is a workaholic..an alcholholic.. and a genius.. i love my folks.... i want to give them better some day.. but i'm just thier helper monkey..and schizophrenic boy.. but deep down they must love me.. so bad..'specially my Pop.. i get along so well with him the past 5 years or so.. we really are cool. We rarely argue.. and even when we did get in bad fights when i was a kid.. i know he didn't really mean it..or want them.. .. i'm gunna miss that f8ckin' 'House on the Hill'.. the only one on the block where you shovel the drive way starting at the bottom ..go back to the top.. and might as well slide back down to the bottom.. cuz if the ice from the northern exposure.. didn't make you loose footing and make you fall back down.. you were gunna run back down.. cuz my maniac mawm at any minute would burst so unexpectadly out of the garage hot on her next nursing case.. whe may verily well run over her own lil' retard.. .. ah.. gaw.. what a f7cked up day it's gunna be..want to die.. can't tho.. ah.. not wanting to deal with mawm yelling at me.. ah gaw.. but it'll be like a treasure hunt too.. i've been looking for my old Mosquitor for years.. and i just know he's in that attic some where.. i think i need to dig and bring him over to my p00py little hovel.. cuz just like this dumm town.. Mosquitor sucks!! ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   martes, abril 08, 2003 -->> ..kinda f7cking weird.. the people that 'love' me.. can at least feel.. yet .. they 'love' me so much they won't let me die or at least let me feel.. f7ck.. well what i don't tell them won't hurt them.. and sh6t.. they lie to me.. that becomes ok.. but i guess living in fear and confusion is ok too. Hey.. we're in war time.. i'm the least one should need to worry about.. maybe they need to 'Cura' the war..7 lookit me..i'm busy,alone trying to stay focused on not bleeding by wondering where the f7ck in my html the little K-mart image went too at the bottom of screen.. jesus.. need to feel.. ..>v< #$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$ -->> .. sh6t.. people think i bleed and solder myself for some attention thing.. f7ck you.. you don't know.. .. i need to feel.. YES.. "I NEED TO FEEL" ..TO BE REAL.. i'm not going on a trip and saying.."o' well geez before i cause pain to myself.. i need to stop and think how this will scorch my skin and how it will hurt my loved ones.. whose buisiness whis is none of anyways.. gee.. let me sit down with some sleepy time tea and think it over..hey read any good Massacistic books lady?? I hear Dean Koontz wrote a good about a bee keeper and his collection of wasp hives.. Ooo .. " ..i need to be real.. NOW..i need to feel NOW.. it is a deprate attempt.. it is alot of things..sometims it is an alternative to death.. sometimes i am meddened and it is the only way to handle not killing me.. when i want to do that.. YEAH.. "I NEED TO DIE".. ..on a brighter note..i've found a conflict.. ..i found something making me want to live.. but within that right now i cannot be within that making me want to live.. and like anything you want so bad you need to fight to get it.. and i am fighting.. i hate this sh6t.. but when i am not feeling.. there isn't even 'hate'.. .. the toughest part of this is stopping these old ways of doing things.. and finding new ones.. cuz if i am going to be alive..i have to stop burns,cuttings,bleedings.. if i am going to love.. i need to make sacrafices. It sounds f7cked up to people who don't do it or go thru it.. but sh6t.. they think it is a cake walk to stop this .. f7ck them.. it is as big a challenge as sinking an aircraft carrier.. but well .. ..i'm trying.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   lunes, abril 07, 2003 -->> ..sh7t hits the fan.. .. come hell or hight water.. i got your back.. ..you keep me and make me real.. don't expect any less.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..