{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..

jueves, abril 17, 2003 -->> ..tOkK tired baby.. what a bad week.. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   miércoles, abril 16, 2003 -->> . . ... .. .. f8cking voices.. n0t stop.. sh6t stop .. ah . . / / why head f7ck wit h me all the time.. sh6t. . >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   -->> ..it has come to pass ..people like to jump to conclusion as to 'WHO tOkKa is.." .. if people can be strait up with me ..and be polite.. yeh.. tOkK can tell you who he is.. .. jump to conclusions.. leave me hanging..don't talk to me.. and leave me witha a bunch of fear, confusion and the simple fact of ..'Hey, tOkK.. maintain..without communication..' ..& no.. ..NO.. you will not get answers from me.. in fact as patterns in my own self have shown.. .. i will trip out and try to die.. this sh8t here is prolly funny to some.. some think i have no clue.. .. a couple people wrote saying that it isn't real.. and odds are.. very few people actually see this little sh7t page.. WH0 GIVES A F6CK.. I HAVE TO LIVE WITH ALL THIS SH6T NOT YOU.. ..WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS.. AND I HAVE TO LIVE IN THIS BODY..NOT YOU.. ..frankly who the hell i am and who the f7ck i take to bed with me is my concern.. not yours.. ..persons.. they put the frosting all over me.. the delude me with reasons why i should live.. .. how i should live.. and why Jesus died for my sins.. they want me totally to live and be ok with things like War that is NOT ok.. they want me to 'not die' .. yet they want me to have no opinion.. they want me to have no variations on any theme.. ..they don't want me to feel.. and they apperently don't want me to love.. .. so baisically..if schizo get's his mindset out of death.. and finds love.. that is bad.... no special,crazy people like me were ment to die in Special Care facilities.. ..the only love i am supposed to know is the Puppy Patrol that visits every Wenesday.. letting people pet the puppies.. and the big fat chow named Mitzi humps my leg.. ..that's love there.. yeh.. ..sh7t.. so many closed minds.. so many more reasons to off me.. but i'm fried of that speel .. ..and being special.. right now..i look at my bull sh6t blog roster here.. and all i did was trip out.. ..one of my best friends ,Jo .. just got out of court today and got screwed in a divorce settlement.. ..now he has to pay his b7tch EX- money he doesn't have.. in fact he may have to go back to living with his parents which is going to be a big punch in the face to him.. .. noone knows what's going to happen.. but right now.. 'LOVE' in general is looking very VERY bad to Jo.. you f8ckers pointing fingers at me should be so lucky if you even get to masturbate to well hung bajo-obies in your dad's 'HOOTERS' calander.. ..i got sh7t to do.. and if it's any solice to morons.. i am falling out of love.. and i am not feeling ..not am i feeling good about myself.. something may have to give.. and i may have to cut people off.. so they get off my case so i do what i have to do.. ....here.... me am.. 'I AM' .. i am t0kka .. i am schizophrenic.. i know love.. i don't handle love well.. no i don't always take my medicine.. nor do i always put things in me that are good for me.. i hate pain.. that is why i bring it to myself.. ..pain to myself from MYSELF makes me real more than pain and confusion from the outside.. i am less than imperfect.. i hate myself.. and delude myself in plastic like anyone else.. ..i don't put that above anyone tho' .. i try to maintain as best i can.. but people hurt and confuse me.... i get lost.. i get VERY SUICIDAL.. i see tigers,i talk to sharks and heads.. i am hurt by people i grew up to admire.. but i am doing my best to get over that..i am going to burn forever in hell.. i am in therapy.. i still see doctors..i do at least try to have a sence of humour..and i do try to be happy.... i will not go back to the hospital.. & i'll be dammed if i go to jail.. i try to be an artist.... for the most part.. i create things many persons hate.. .. i have no credencials nor any prestigeous recog-nition for what i have created.. i have a mountain of work i am still trying to make something out of.. i am evil.. i am still under my mawm's thumb.. .. i have been cursed by curanderas ..and i have alot of moods and mood swings.. and i am legally mentqally ill.. ..SO WHAT.. i am.. ME AM.. .. .. and i don't want to 'BE'.. but that one is for the next time i trip out on my blog.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   martes, abril 15, 2003 -->> "Once you accept the universe as being something expanding into an infinite nothing which is something,wearing stripes with plaid is easy." - Albert Einstein .. i am nothing.. non-exsistance is nothing.. maybe it was something.. but it still is nothing.. nothing is in logic..only pain.. ..i will die.. .. i'm no Einstein.. but i do know what i need to do. .. be 'nothing' .. can i do something?? .. ..yeh..i can.. and it is my concern.. noone else's.. "non-exsistance IS" .. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   -->> .. W.T.F. just happened.. so freeking fried .. moving is hell .. yeh.. my pop n' me didn't even get all of it done by yesterday like he wanted.. i have to leave class early cuz he needs me to help him finish up. ... my Pop picked me up.. i was dead.. last night i don't remember.. just wanting to feel.. & people that are 'there' for you are just answering machines. .so f9ck.. i get a quick call from my sister saying to 'have my ass ready in 5 minutes' .. my pop picks me up.. with Kate in the passenger side.. i accidently slame the runk.. she yells at me.. 10 minute drive to class.. she starts saying how my parents' new home smells like "chinky".. i spoke up.. she never talked that way.. i said.. "Why the hell you say something like that.. ??" .. she said that it was her car asnd she said she was jokeing.. and that if i spoke up again.. she'd kick my ass.. i told her i wouldn't have spoke up if i wasn't bothered by what the f7ck she said. .. she shut me up then continued to sqwak to my Pop .. i guess that's who she was talkng to.. wonder if he was really listenening.. (why was he even driving her car?? .. .. she yammered on about her job at the 'Springs Village' .. in the mountain kind of by Norad.. .. an upscale retirement home where she is a nurse. She said one 'retarded guy' there always leaves flowers by everyone's doors.. .. and she imitated him.. "WUHHA FOWER?? " . . i'm bad enuf i call myself retarded.. that was a word i didn't even use until i was older. It was a word about a person.. a descriptive one of a physical disability.. now it's used as comon language as a word to make fun of something or people.. you'd think that was kind of sweet, a guy leaving flowers for everyone on the same floor of the nursing home. ..Kate then said that she'd give him my phone number so we could be good friends.. and she said that to be mean. ..WTF just happened?? No i was in a dark mood this morning.. but i didn't say anything to her in the car and i was not doing any harm to her.. i got out of the car at school and hugged my pop and tryed to hug Kate.. like i was wanting to say goodbye and ignoring what she said.. she said what my Mawm says ..when my mawm is frazzled and you give her a hug.. she says.. 'Don't touch me.. ' .. .. yeh.. you get used to that. .. and people wonderwhat reasons are there for me to die.. ah f7ck.. was a f7cked up night.. and here i am in a day ..alone .. that's life..right?? >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   lunes, abril 14, 2003 -->> .. .. heads,tails.. tigers.. growing in fear.. .. growing darker.. needing to feel.. ..>v< . . ..? ? ? ? ?..   -->> .. labels,again.. what should i give a f6ck about labels at this point.. .. i've been 'handicapped' for most of my exsistance.. sh8t.. i know what it is to 'WANT' to have a name..or something.. :: ..this is who i am .. this i s what i am.. ".. un- " .. .. i also knmow what it is to be labeled.. . . maybe i really am diagnosed(labeled) schizophrenic,A.D.H.D., Severe depression and at risk suicidal tendancy.. so.. crippled.. or not.. mentally or physically.. i don't need a fluff factory and an bunch of people prouncing around with stickers for what i am.. my 'DIAGNOSESE' are who i am ?? . . i'm used to ..'Retard..'..'Crazy' ..'Phycho' or ..'Hey,man.. you got smoke some green??' (yeh, very common the blank perception is that i'm a drug addict cuz my eyes dialate ..or i have shakey and twitching movements in my body.. or i'm having a seizure..people totally get all scared.. so f7cked up) ..if meant in jest or not.. that sh7t still hurt.. dumm looks .. and opinions.. i got it all the time as a kid.. and as a big kid.. it's even worse.. cuz now.. i'm facing this out there.. having to pretend to be strong in all that.. ..too much detail.. and to little energy to explain every little detail to people.. why the f8ck do i need to say.. and lie.. ..i WANT TO LIVE ..I WANT TO BE ALIVE ayyayayayayayaa.. ..no.. scince i was a kid.. i loved DEATH.. .. i wanted to die.. it is /was my right.. .. so many times i was almost there.. so many times.. i was almost free.. .. i am so consumed b y killing me.. that 'THAT' was my love.. i loved death.. Schizo loved death.. t0kK was going to stay in school.. and die.. .. ..2002 was one of the boiling points in of this history of chaotix.. while noone wanted me to die.. they drop me off here in this pit.. and go off thinking as long as i'm on my pills.. it will all be ok.. ..sh8t happened after hours.. after my friends were left..and my brother was taken away to live in a state hospital..instead of here .. where i could do my best to help look after him.. people i knew as brothers.. stabbed me in the back and changed.. people went away.. Mrs.B died.. .. wonderful relationships became tainted.. a 3rd dimension was brought to light as people you thought you knew were much more darker & contradictory than you thought.. school finally started to catch up with me.. mentalities tripped so bad.. i .. WAS GOING TO DIE.. .. there are some idiots stating.. 'o well if that was true.. you wouldn't have told anyone.. '.. well i guess they haven't seen my ravished and shredded body.. there are reasons for the mutilations to myself.. it's all connected some how.. and while the times can be very different for each incedent.. it is nothing i chaulk up on the wall for everyone to see.. & manytimes.. i tell not a soul.. there are always a billiion takes or variations on a theme.. and if people will dilude themselves with what i am and what i face as.. 'O .. you just want your mother's attention and more continuous jargon to pasify annything they say so they can come off as right or as they "know' .. blah .. sh8t..people can relate.. people can help me cope.. and fight.. and what have you..but some rub this sh9t in my face.. .. to them:: O.. I AM SO F7CKING SORRY I AM BY THE STATE OF COLORADO.. 'MENTALLY ILL' ..i am sorry if most of my friends have been deaf people and cripple people and mentally ill persons with the intallect of a 3 year old. .. o sh7t.. so sorry.. BUT THOSE ARE MY PEOPLE.. I AM ONE OF THEM.. if i'm real or not.. i know that is what i am of.. but i don't make it an extra special point to say.. 'HEY.. I'm a FREEK!!!!! YAAYAAAAA!! .. there was only one person to help me thru the darkest spots of the past year plus.. just 1.. thick and thin.. and it had been a person i'd known for a long time.. but never met in real life.. but had conversed enuf online and on phone to see that they were my best of friends.. they even helped me thru death.. ..this person and me..i .. became really close.. and it was a very bizzare thing.. 2 people who had known of eachother..then became friends.. then best friends.. then.. -- ..it was odd..it was on the phone.. and the details are too numerous to tell in one f8cking post.. in fact..i won't tell.. but they were pure and whole.. and the devotion rang clear.. beyond anything anyone had ever done for me.. 1 person stood fast for me.. and refused to let me die.. because they were falling in love with me.. and i was falling in love with them.. and neither of us saw it coming.. and neither of us saw it ever happening to us.. but ** b00m.. love hits the fan as the sh7t does.. before you know it ..it's all over the walls and all over the both of you.. i've been so damm vauge about this.. and ALL this.. and due to has access to this site and the delicate nature of the complexities of both enviroments where these things are being played out.. i've had to be very VERY vaugue.. .. I KNEW i was not going to love again.. i was in love twice.. both with girls i truly cared so much for.. but both times ..tragedy plays a bigger role and ..i f8cked up.. people were hurt.. and now those people are gone from my exsistance.. but those feelings aren't.. i know what love is.. and i know what it is to be maniacally, dangerously, sadistically, romantically, tragically, narrowly, miopically, suicidally, magically, happily, infatuaded, angrily, sadly, purely .. IN LOVE. This person is my family.. as blood.. and now.. this person's own family is my family as well .. it is very tricky now..i care for them also .. ..i figured if i got lucky.. REAL REAL lucky.. maybe.. just maybe..the grown 7 year old schizo.. might just fall into that.. just one more time.. 3rd times the charm.. and i am ..at this point..DEVOUTLY in love.. my mental imparments and illness get so much in the way.. but the love is still there.. and there is no backing out now.. no matter how strong Death is to me.. or how many tigers i see.. . .. i 'hallucinate' as therapist sez.. idiots think it's fun.. it can get so terrified.. you'd wish you wewre run over by a tank than to face some of this sh8t.. no i am not strong.. but i am finding things that make me strong.. make me feel beyond cutting myself.. finding reasons to live and to survive.. not within my self.. but thru this person i love.. and it is thru them that i am finding ways to syphon thru the struggles of the fodder until i can be with them on a permanant baisis. .. it isn't about the label.. it's about what i know in my heart as the most REAL thing i have ever wittnessed.. i can be this, that,desprate, evil,sick whatever.. .. but due to the comlex nature of life RIGHT now.. if i told my mawm and pop.. they would never speak to me again.. and cast me out .. ..my mawm is dangerously overworked.. and my father's and my relationship is good now.. to shatter them with the facts that they have no clue about.. yet really should know.. i am thier son.. they still love me..maybe my mawm is all f7cked up as me.. i still know she is a good person.. ....as i helped my Pop move stuff to thier new little fancy house.. and moving things i grew up with.. i knew.. that at some point.. my parents will know what is up.. sure.. my mawm doesn't take me to doctors anymore.. she doesn't even know what the siezures entail.. or what i am doing to my body.. then she confronts me.. and finds out.. she may be loony.. but she is smart as hell ..and she is a nurse.. she knows i solder myself..if she knew some of the details.. even a tiney bit.. and a bit more..AND A BIT MORE.. i'd be no longer her son.. i love them too mcuh to loose them from my life at this point.. i need her .. i need my p0p.. .. a few people i truly trust.. know the REAL deal.. some i told..some found out.. and some..that may be reading this are starting to put the peices of the puzzle together.. and some couldn't give a sh7t.. .... doctor's can call me a liar.. but the last time they f7cked with me ..i ended up getting hit by cars on the freeway..i have been a target of physical pain my whole life.. at some point this shatter body can give in.. ..when i was little ..i got hurt by a real bad.. by a bad person.. he hurt me real bad.. and that was somethng that i've had to admit to myself as really happening.. these pains and toils are something i constantly phychoalalyse (SP..and to tired to care) myself..within the drowning of my mind.. i can get pretty deluded and deadly to myself.. as i have already proven. . it is not a threat.. it is true. .. i didn't plan anything.. or any of this.. devine intervention or not..there is some seriously hard things that life is going to sling me.. and divided.. and by myself ..no i WILL ..SHALL die.. but i even have to call myself on the carpet.. millions of voices.. TRILLIONS.. ah gah.. F&CK!!.. can 1 or 2 be wrong in a trillion?? ..i have to fight.. can i do it?? .. divided.. no.. no i can't.. ..united in what i have found.. i just may.. ..but it's about to get a whole lot trickier.. ..i have leared the difference in the 'labels' and 'what people are' ..and the need to confront and have people accept.. i get minimal acceptance so.. it's tough for me.. one day..maybe i'll get accepted.. and maybe one day ..i will be happy.. and not just 'crippled' .. ..or maybe.. i am still seeing tigers.. enuf of this.. i am fried.. .. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..