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jueves, agosto 28, 2003
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.. you generally think you have the answers..as things progress in your existance (life)..you come to terms with the fact that you don't have the answers.. and that things change.. and change for the betterment or worse of whatever.. all my existance (life) i was running like a headless chicken. Not knowing if i was coming or going. Not knowing if i was real or not.. night or day..what time it was.. 5 minutes can be like 3 weeks to me.. i don't know why i am sick or..'why me'. And i don't care 'why' anymore. Whatever i was doing ..i was running.. constant running.. and just when i thought i'd come to a stopping point.. i'd get a jolt in my system.. and take off running again. I knew i was going to die.. shen..**shock~~.. like a cattle prod.. i started running again.. i thought i would suceed.. **Shock ~~ running again.. no place ..running in circles and everywhere and nowhere.. just running.. running.. i thought i was heading to possible directions.. to possible goals. **Shock~~ wrong!! ..sorry..keep running.. i didn't know what i was doing.. i just did things..not involving hurting anyone physically .. but myself often.. **Shock ~~ SCHOCK.. run // RUN!! .. keep running.. i trusted people.. **~~Shock.. i trusted **~~shock.. i followed false dreams..~~**shock..RUN ..Run..,tokka!! ..i followed thngs to maddness and beyond maddness and back.. and even after i hurt so many people emotionally.. no matter what i did to make it better.. to make the pain i brought them.. and the pain i brought me to stop ~~SHOCK **.. i try to kill me.. ~~SHOCK** .. the shocking dosen't stop.. ~~Shock **.. this isn't working.. ~~**~~ SHOCK .. i need to stop running.. ~~**SHOCK.. RUN!! TOKKA..RUN RUN RUN!! //
.. i found something special.. i didn't toally understand it.. i went thru hell and back trying to make sence..and light of it.. i ended up hurting so many people emotionally..scarring them..trying to come to find out the meaning of it all.. i was running tword my heart.. ..then i ran away// // i made a promise.. 'I PROMISE TO STOP RUNNING AWAY ..!!' .. i thought i was making good on that..i thought i was making 'it' work.. whatever it was.. sure i could not stop my mind from racing.. but my heart stayed.. it stopped running.. i made so many mistakes.. so many that i am paying for each and everyone right now.. i am seathing with hatred for myself.. more than i thought i could ever feel.. more than i thought i could live in.. my heart what has happened.. what have i done.. what of the monster i am and the bigger one i have created.. i hate me so bad.. no matter what love they all show/ed me..i didn't deserve it to begin with.. and the one i entrusted my heart to.. i owe the biggest apology.. for i f7cked up.. i thought i had the strength to make my heart work.. not only for me..but for the one i loved.. i was wrong.. ~~SHOCK ** SHOCK **// more prods.. ..more shocks.. this isn't working..all i end up doing is hurting others.. hurting myself.. and i have come full circle.. no more.. making my heart work.. making 'THINGS WORK' ..in something that doesn't work.. change is upon me.. and i have the strength for only one thing..i need to start running again.. run from here.. far away..i had the answers to stop the ~~SHOCK ** all along.. i sometimes ignored those answers.. or let others think that i had the strength to dind other ways.. but how can i find faith in ones who can't find faith in me.. the 2-way street is one way.. and i need to run.. ~~**shock.. shock..i am 'a schizo who doesn't change..' ..and i proved them all wrong again.. i need to do what i need to do.. not just for myself.. but for all around who's lives i destroy.. i need to run.. i am going to run ..i am going to run away.. from here.. from colorado Springs.. to what is death to me.. to what doesn't work.. and if i loose my exsisitance in the process.. whatever stops the running permanant is a blessing.. ..on your mark ..get set.. GO !!
~~shock** .. >v<