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martes, septiembre 02, 2003 -->> .. being 'sick'.. schizophrenic..it doesn't define me.. does it?? .. does anything we say we are.. or the things we add or subtract or.. retain or contract define anything we do?? .. people say they are Christian.. but act totally evil.. people say they are Patriotic..but actually end up destroying more than protecting.. it goes a million ways. I don't know.. people are people.. what defines anything within a set of laws,rules,schoolings,institutions,workplaces.. minds hearts,actions,emotions?? //Questions.. is that what defines people.. maybe..!! ?! .. i bet there are differences and variations in every sence and in every life.. like billions of unique snowflakes or the Tranzillions of stars in the cosmos of cosmosES.. maybe what is defined.. takes different meanings depending on the situation and the matter and the sircumstances of a particular life.. and the particular moments of that life. ..hmm .. it's getting complex.. maybe i can break it down.. well.. i'll try :: .. a Janitor can go around telling people he is actually a Doctor.. he can push a pail.. mop the floors clean the toilet.. fully saying he is a doctor.. however.. he has not ever had any formal education in the medical feild.. perhaps he only graduated high school .. he doesn't go 'prep for surgery' nor does he see his patiants on a regular baisis for checkup.. he doesn't administor or perscribe medication.. but he keeps insisting he is a doctor.. let's say he is not fibbing for some strange reason.. perhaps in his mind and his heart.. he beleives he is a doctor.. maybe his cleaning skills constitute him thinking this way.. and perhaps numerous complications in this person's life make him truly beleive he is a doctor.. "IS HE A DOCTOR?? " .. yes and no and who knows.. ..He is a Doctor .. in his heart and mind. No.. he is not a doctor due to the long established need for education and many,many years of study and earning of degrees and other things like tests that lead one to the path of undertaking the medical field. ..Who knows.. what makes one a doctor.. maybe the guy cleaning and ridding a FLOOR of impurity constitutes a cleansing of sorts.. maybe he is a 'Doctor of Facilities' .. or maybe the guy really doesn't put much thought into it.. and is just a Doctor.. cuz he says he is.. ..what defines a person like that.. maybe it's a bad example.. i dunno.. what defines this guy?? .. alot of things.. ALOT.. alot of questions,his work,his attitude.. ,his friends,family.. his support.. (does he have any friends?? ..does he have someone to go home to to love him?? ) .. definitions are definitions.. and as evolution progresses// defintions change.. but even that can just be a sereis of words on pages in big bound volumes of books called 'dictionaries'.. .. does a guy just wake up and become schizophrenic.. was i born sick?? .. were there numerous factors leading up to head traumas and medications and things to make me 'this way' .. ?? What defines anything?? Why do i need a definition?? // Why do i become a hypocrit and let what others think about me "BOTHER ME" ?? ..if a guy up and tells his family he's 'GAY' .. what defines a person like that?? ..was he born this way?? .. was it a choice he made.. has maybe it always been this way for him?? .. does he just up and turn gay.. put on stillet0Ez.. and a mini -skirt and prance around all Liberaci-like fitting what ever ol'hat sterotype the medias of the times have concocted to make it wrong,wierd,funny,odd,bad,disturbed,ok,comedic..or otherwise..?? ..maybe it's none of this or all of this.. maybe it's everything and nothing..Maybe they just follow their heart?? Maybe..?? MAYBE i needed to face a million people with a million 'definitions' of me.. maybe i needed to face myself and myselves.. and ME and MEs.. ..officially.. not that it's any one's f7cking buisiness anyway.. (yeh..it's that too.. 'none of anyone's buisiness') .. i'm "BI-sexual" ..ok... yahoo.. good for me.. was i always this way?? Who the f8ck knows..i'm too fried to worry about that part of me.. and after that has happened to me..it's really too late. Ive been with ladies and a fella'.. so.. ok. One thing i have no question about is.. 'REGRET'.. i regret nothing.. for the love i found was the greatest thing to have ever happened to me.. and now.. well.. it's time to reorginiZe and figure out what next.. i'm a also defined as a person of 'CHAOS' ..and a chicken sans head.. but i'm still running.. somw how.. some way.. and i still have a heart.. i picked up and started following my heart instead of my 'rutts' a little while back.. and what it's showing me.. is ,while un-certain.. and perhaps i'm setting myself up.. but it's showing me.. to keep following my heart. (Sh6t..now it's like i am a boastful retard..) No matter how much it's been dinged,bent ,hurt,smashed ,and stabbed.. at least it's like a 'Timex'..it takes a licking and it keeps on ticking..and maybe or not i've always been sick.. maybe or not i've always been 'bi-' .. maybe it get's harder..maybe it gets better.. maybe i'll take my life..maybe i won't die.. one thing still remains is my heart.. and i had it this whole time.. i make mistakes..but questions..more questions (??).. ah jesus ..well f8ck this..here:: Wizard: .. As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart! You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. I could have been a world figure, a power among men, a - a successful wizard, had I not been obstructed by a heart. TIN MAN:But I still want one. WIZ: Yes -- ....back where I come from there are men who do nothing all day but good deeds. They are called phil...er -- er -- phil -- er, yes...good-deed-doers. And their hearts are no bigger than yours. But! They have one thing you haven't got! A testimonial! -- The Tin Man waits as the Wizard bends down and gets a heart-shaped watch from his black bag -- Therefore, in consideration of your kindness, I take pleasure at this time in presenting you with a small token of our esteem and affection. And remember, my sentimental friend.... ...that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others. TIN MAN:Ahh --- Oh, it ticks! Listen! DOROTHY:Yes...! .. ah..ph00ey.. mushy stuff.. 8\ ..>v< p.s. ..now if i only had a brain.. ..? ? ? ? ?..