{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..

sábado, septiembre 27, 2003 -->> ..ok.. sorry.. to the four people..the llama and the albino lard monk.. ..here.. see if this newer test layout thing is ok.. i dunno.. gonna try to load it by tonight if i can (w/ Mike's help..).. @ http://www.terrible2z.com/meamtokka/_meAMtOkKa_files-this_is_temp/tokkatest.htm ..sux,huh.. ..o well.. ..where's my binky?? ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   viernes, septiembre 26, 2003 -->> ....dammit.. babies have all the fun..f7ckit.. first chance i get this weekend.. i'm goin' to the damm Kmart and buying a binky..i can't help it..i'm too damm insecure.. i need a pacifier.. to do just that.. the problem will be all the questions from the cops again.."Hey..yoo know yung adults like yirself suck on pacifiEERS like that cuz they been trippin' EX -tuCY.. yoo know that,right..??" .. ..goo -g00.. burp~~~*** ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   jueves, septiembre 25, 2003 -->> ..talk about a mood swing.. suddenly needing everything flamable around me.. ..suddenly craving cinnomon-paper cement toast.. .."hey,tokk.. everythings gunna be ok.. here.. i'll shove a rod up your arse.. maybe a little gause dabbed in paintthinner.. here will stuff it up there nice n' gentle like.. .. hey.. where you keep the matches..?? " .. .. you can like yourself all you want.. cliche it up all you want.. times like this.. ..these are when i hate myself the most.. and yeh..i feel a bit taken advantage of.. ..whatever COMMunilaTIVE (sp) thought process schizo brain endures in whatever these f8cked up days are anymore..it's not nice to know that there are those just waiting to pounce on crazy tiger.. ..and when they are thu' f7cking you.. they leave tiger to rot.. ..god ..well they didn't say it (this exsistance..you call 'life') was gunna be easy..did they?? ..eh kill me.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   -->> ..nothin' bonds like the ties of family.. ..and sometimes i'd rather just get shot in the back of the head.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   -->> ..nice cliche to add to the pile. .. i heard ..'You will only be able to be okay where you are, when you are okay with who you are.' .. catch 22.. of cliche..did you know that who you are and where you are can also play into eachother.. your enviroment can be quite a key factor to 'how' you are..and 'who' you are.. i dout when the bombs were dropped on Iraq and the poor people that got thier neiborhoods blown up.. a positive affirmation in the morning was going to make all the bombs 'ok'..as if suddenly they all the bombvs were gonna hit and flowers and baloons and candy were gonna come out.. it became quite a differnt enviroment. ..my current situation is not as tragic as that which happened in Iraq.. some people say i am lucky.. well ..i know i have it better than the many possible. But there are destructive forces as play in this 'enviroment' and i have found one solid motivator that makes me want to get the f8ck out of a very bad enviroment. Sometimes the ways of the heart make one blind or easily hurt. ..my ways of the heart must be so radically differnt ..that if i gave into every single cliche i heard.. i would be dead. Some cliches can be good.. some are just downright confusing as the one above. ..maybe i am still finding who i am..maybe i am schizo and sick but maybe i am still learning.Cliches don't tell me alot. Where am i?? ..i am in love. ..and that is where i am at.. and it is something very important to me..like water.. i need it. ..and maybe the one i love needs to find out who they are.. hopefully i am giving them enuff' space for them to do this.. i may not know all the 'me-s' but i know the core..that is my heart.. ..i am a tiger.. i am my heart.. i know my heart..that was and is ok.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   miércoles, septiembre 24, 2003 -->> ..ok.. gotta put up with old layout a bit longer.. when i comes to code and sh6t..i know it.. but it get's in over my head.. ADHD would be a wondeful excuse.. but.. hell..html n' me just don't see eye to eye.. maybe that's why i'm bad at math.. MIKE !! HEEELP!! ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   -->> ..hang tight ,Matt.. my heart is out to you.. ..see ..i'm sorry,pal.. .. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   martes, septiembre 23, 2003 -->> W0rk.. DAMM CODE WWWWWooooooorKKKK!!! AAAHggh.. i hate i frames!!!!!!! !! !! ! .. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   lunes, septiembre 22, 2003 -->> ..Yay.. i did it.. i ftP-ed damm spykam web-cam pics and archives all by myself..!! YaY.. horray for retarded me !1 8) .. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   domingo, septiembre 21, 2003 -->> .. just when you thought it was safe.. ..and you would think all the pain and feelings and mania disapear..they really never go away..the suppress themselves.. ..yesterday i was pretty f8cked over.. noone answeres the phone..sister bitching at me the whole time on my machine saying how horrible it was that i confided in family friend and how retarded i am..cuz i talked to the friend the fact that my mawm is 'suspecting' and that is why she yelled bad at me the other night and hit me and shoved me away and i almost tipped her food over..or somethin'.. i dunno.. At the mall i went to late in the afternoon..a group of people were calling me names i guess cuz i don't have good eyes and i was more intrested in actually going into the damm door to get into the building..than noticing them or whatever.. ..i don't understand how that resorts to callin' me 'f8ckin fag' ..i jut tryed to let it roll off and walk off. The Target store nearby the mall is next to the freeway.. a nice bridge streching over the freeway takes you further down twords the Target and further down anti-parallel..the bridge is a nice tempting place.. the freeway is fairly low at a certain point and i usually cross it instead of using the bridge ..as long as i run across..it's faster to get to the Target.. Saturday night..the freeway is amired in traffic. So i ..played..it's fun to play 'Frogger' .. back and forth.. people honking at you..zippin' so fast cuz they gotta go to where they gotta go.. ..the freeway is not the sidewalk..this is 'their' territory.. the cars and trucks and drivers..and i play frogger mostly when i'm questioning reality,the mundane, and the fact that i really need to die. Throw in a crocodile,a swamp..some turtles,lillypads and a swamp we'd have a real game of Frogger. I finally went to the Target and some othe r stores..was nervous f7ckin' wreck when i got home..(it's actually less stressed when i am on the free way).. the d00sh bags upstairs were pounding the f7ck out of the place and this basement was so loud.. i pounded back a # of times.. saying they REAlly needed to keep it down..or i'd call landlord..i made a call to someone special 2 reassure it was all ok.. it helped a bit. When you want to die.. or when i need to feel ..it is like your in a desert for a week with no water.. YOU NEED WATER.. when you need to die..or feel.. (at least me)..you need that ..sometimes it is the most f8cked up struggle..your talking to HEADS AND VOICES, RATIONALIZING WITH TIGERS AND ANGEL.. AND NO..you cannot make sence of any..i woke late again..i don't have set sleep pattern and again.. my so called support.. the ones some people are hoping will be 'there for me' and a to babysit me aren't there.. ..so i am left to my own device. Schizophrenic or not.. i need to feel at least FEEL real bad.. and back-up plans are fostering in the back of my brain of how to handle this. I used to just go try to jump,poison,bleed, or hang myself..or i'd at least try to feel to deal with the pain.. but..now he suicidal tendancy is very strong. I have a few newer tactics as to how to handle myself..but i don't know right now for the answeres i need in that are not there yet. I'm gonna go wash.. do my laundry and figure out what to do..this night is my morning.. and i am filled with fear..except for one thing i am trying to shake..the fear and love of being dead. .. i need to be dead as of this moment.. and i have been waiting the past 2 hours for that moment to pass. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..