{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
viernes, octubre 03, 2003
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..whoo-h00.. i actually woke up fefore gaw-damm noon.. i'm at work and in a few short moments i got to meet a real 'celebrity'.. Mrs.Laxson brought her pup to school and while we moved her old stuff from the second floor to her car.. she let ' Cheyenne' out. Cheyenne taught herself to shoot rubber bands. One day Mr.Laxson was on the couch watchine the teli and ''~~fing.. a rubber band shot up and he didn't think about it.. it happened a few more times.. ~~fing finng**.. then the last rubber band shot him hard in the chest ..he got up to see the little border collie was catchin' the band around her jaw and letting them 'shoot' out her mouth asshe closed her jaw.. then she'd get all happy and go chase the rubber band..so that baisically is her ball..(most dogs seem to have a signature toy..like a ball or frisbee or sqeeky.. Cheyenne's happens to like rubber bands).. Mrs. and Mr. Laxson sent the tape to 'Animal Planet.' . and thus became a star..100 measly zoo bucks and a animal Planet T-shirt..plus a spot on the local news.. Cheyenne is bigger news than the expose on 'rectal thermonatry and pugs' .. at least fer 5 minutesok.. that is all fer now.. i'm gonna go spill hot coffee in my lap.. need wake oop.. 8}
..>v<
jueves, octubre 02, 2003
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..near 6 A.M.
..gaw.. to f8cking sleep.. no heads ..no voices..
just sleep.. and to sleep by someone warm..
o' sh7t..
..>v<
miércoles, octubre 01, 2003
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..looks like the blogg is starting to take shape..it's still got many bugs but Mike is tweaking it more i can see.. Thanks ,Mikey.
..
i had to work from Mike's template.. cuz i'm so bad at code ..it's not that i don't know Dream Weaver n' such.. i just get so overwhelmed with the whole process Mike is known for his good design and layout..(& nice choice of pretty fonts like 'this'!!) .. and i prolly won't have that same disiplined level of confidence but i try.. with permission,i have been tweaking and working off his code so i can get a better idea & handle with my own designs. I make monster layouts and the load times make people upset with me..but i've been doing this for 4 years and still don't have the perfect web site vision as many of my C0-hearts ..
Yesterday was pretty bad.. left to my own devises i sometimes make good decsions and some times very bad ones.
.. after many many times of trying to get support.. .. i fell flat on my face.
I tryed sqeezing ice to feel.. but i was so manic ..i calle dinto the school.. the whole night is so damm blurry..i know i woke late.
I remember calling in to the math teacher for the homework cuz by the time i was up there was no way i'd be able to go to the school..my class was @ 6 p.m. so all this must have been late. I know i went to money machine to get money to pay phone bill,buy a ratty pullover from thrift store and get a few groceries.
I know the computer crashed so bad..and the neibors were so damm loud all i could hear were voices.. and smashing sounds in the basement. I wanted to smash up the computer and take it upstairs and throw it thru their window 7 tell them to keep it as a 'manic' gift..i didn't.. i remember i reformatted it and it took all night.. and i still have to re-LOAD some stuffs on there.. Techie-DJ-Jo Sofa is working on prices for building my new computer..i know i talked to him.. but he had to go. And my mawm..i talked to her about $$ but she 'had to go' . I know i was paniced about $$..At some point..i needed to feel so bad.. heads..i saw heads coming from the ceiling.. they dripped and came out onto the floor and talked to me. I wasn't scared.. but i was numb as hell.. i needed smomthing real bad. The ice didn't help..(sqeezing ice in my fist til' it hurts).. i needed the same old way. No i'm not glad i did it. This time tho'.. it was the worst i'd done in a long time. I guess i just couldn't take the strain.. and the urge.. and the mundane,panic worry.. all that mixes into one big bomb. Mike was right..it is like cigarettes..it's an addiction. Most time it's just cutting or burning.. either /or. This time ..it's rare i do this.. it was both. I'm all chopped up and scarred from knife wounds and soldering iron burns. I have been able to go incredible stretches of not doing this. So much sh7t has happened past 2 months..i thought i'd be dead. But now i am wounded and burnt tiger once again. I don't know. This has to stop.. yeh i know.. duh. But as soon as i feel the life returning into me as i burn my flesh..and as the blood just raced down my wrist..it is so unexplainable. Then you wake to morning.. (and Pop really had to force me to be here at school.. so much work to finish up..)..you wake up..you feel.. then.. i am as striped as the tigers.. gawd i want to be real again..
..Need to find a better trip. ..>v<
lunes, septiembre 29, 2003
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..guess the new layout will have to wait 1 more day.. damm!
..i can't sleep to much.. the neibors upstairs really are going out of the way to make life
a living hell for all the people around them.. to bad i live in the basement below them.
.. i play the big stero .. but i turn it to the radio ..and play static.. real loud.
It acts as white noise and helps fill the basement with a steady white noise and it kind of breaks
up the bull sh6t noise the f8ckers upstairs pull. They would blast the radio static at raves
to throw the cops off.. and they make machines like that for doctor offices too..so it is a
logical way to make white noise.. but it is radio static real loud.. but i get used to it..my guests don't.
Me can't sleep to well and every night i have been working on web stuffs on these old arse computers.
Having dated equipment puts me at disadvantage cuz i work slower. I finally crashed about 8 a.m.
..at 3 i got up.. and couldn't get ahold of cousin or friends.. but called my pop..Weekends are
laundry times so pop agreed to get me at 6:15 before church so i could do the laundry downtown at
little laundrette while he goes to mass..it usually is all done by the time mass is over so..no problem.
I called his cell which was off..then i called his home and he said he be over at 8:30 instead cuz he was running late.
..i hung up.. but my mawm called back.. which is odd.. cuz last time i talked to her she was drunk and angry..
i thought she was still mad..but she wanted something..and had an offer.
To hook me up w/ new computer if i help her with developing her Nursing Agency's web site.
But i told her i was trying to get a new comp NOW..and that the old one here is on it's last leg..
i need better equipment and fast..i got a G3 to replace my old Power PC.. but this 'compaq' from 1998
is about fizzled and it crashes all the f7cking time..i need new PC!!
she said she could hook me up in 2 weeks.. so told her i'd call her.
I tryed to call Mike.. but he no answer-EDed..so Pop comes.. takes me to Kmart fast
for Grocery.. then decides he doesn't want to wait for me at Laundrette so he had me wash cloths at his place.
I started the first load.and went up to the 3rd floor.. and the toilet flodded so i had to deal with that..
big mess.. after all that was cleaned up.. i put in my second load in wash..then the 1st in the dryer..
went upstairs to mop the bathroom floor then back down.. my mawm was there. Doing the wash for me..
she had thrown some of her own stuff in the wash..and i didn't care..but i asked her.. and she said she didn't.
But i figgered she was fibbing cuz she was hanging around folding damp laundry and acting real dippy.
My mawm is damm manic about laundry and prolly adicted.. she throws it in and pours
a bunch of soap in.. .. tells the washer to hurry up..
and if it doesn't go as fast as she wants it..
,she turns the dial to rinse and spin.. then after it spins a bit,
she throws ..AND slams it into the dryer.. and throws like 3-4 dryer sheets in there..
and just gets all crazy cuz the damm thing won't dry 'faster'.
It's been this way.. i have odd memories when i was little.. of just loving to wash the
washer machine.. i asked mawm if i could. 'Watch the wash.'
She let me.. and i'd ask a million questions as the washer was doing it's hypnotic-top loader
spell on me.. spin and washwash spin and wash wash.
I even remember asking her if it was ok for a man and a man or a woman and a woman to love
eachother cuz it is love and love was good. But i remember her telling me that that was bad
and that they will go to hell.. fast forward.. here i am..w/ mawm trying to do laundry.. and
well she has yet to find out my 'bi-' nessishness.
But she kept hovering and..it just was a real nervous time.. she kept stealing my beanie..and
said 'whatever works'..(it is to my understanding she supsects i was with a guy but i have not
officially said anything to her yet)..and kept wanting to kiss me on the cheek and tell her
that she was a good mother.. she kept mentioning wanting to move to South Padre Island..
and kept mentioning Texas.. and was making me really nervous.. she was making me run
up and down the stairs fetching all these coat hangers from the garage.. and was acting so
drunk and wierd i kinda manically laughed here and there then i choked back tears.
My sister came home and saw that 'her' restroom upstairs was all wet.. and i knew
after that she's be upset with me.. but as she went into garage to smoke i explained i
cleaned it up and unplugged it and told her it was an accident..she went to sleep.
It was getting later and later.. and i didn't want to be at Pop's house anymore.
Mawm finally left my laundry alone and i just said f8ckit..i threw all the damp
cloths back in my hamper and was just gonna hang it around the basement to dry..
It took forever to get Pop to get out of bed.. mawm kept telling me how she wanted me
to make her websites.. and kept offering me new computer. The process went..
"David, i love you..make me the websites and i'll give you a new computer..David, i love you..
that computer there is a new 'Presario'..Presario..David, i love you.. make me a web site.."
..'Mawm i have to go home now..' "David, i love you.. will you help me?? David, i love you..
you won't help me.." 'MAWM..I WILL BUT I NEED TO GO..' "David, i love you..pReSaRiO..-- --"
..it took 15 minutes to get out of the house.. me and pop hopped in the Audi and i was
a f6cking wreck by time i got back here. Neibors smashing TV as soon as i got in so
i yelled and turned up static.. i tryed to call Mike ..but he was gone.
My mawm is getting worse.. and maybe part of it is 'MEN-0 -pause' ..(sp)..
but i get so scared anymore.. and when i fear for her mantal state..
i reminds me of my own.. schizophrenia can be hereditary..and perhaps alot of this
maybe came from my mawm.. but ..so.
I can't help that.. i just want her to be happy and happy with me.. and i don't want
her to die.. she acts so damm f7cking weird anymore..even worse in some cases
than when i was little.. and..i don't know what will happen if sh6t hits the fan
and i tell her the truth of things.. i just don't know..
..>v<