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sábado, octubre 11, 2003 -->> .. i don't see the time.. where the f7ck is it.. what the f6ck is it?? ..it's not here.. i guess..it's more like a ruler to me..maybe?? am i suppoesed to feel old..or young..?? sh6t,i still feel 7.. i mean..you count 5 inches or 12 centimeters..or whatever..my days have no nights.. my nights can be days.. my days can be nights..and if no sleeping.. 3 days can be 1 long day.. it's just the way it goes for me i guess.. i loose track of my mind and my days.. and what i do in a day.. i can't remember alot.. my mawm said i was just 'playing games'..but some serious sh7t was happening in my brain.. and now i'm really seeing the effects of this mental disability. (Sh6t..i'm just now..within the past few days reading Billy Corgan and Zwan stopped playing together.. oi..solo ,Mr.corgan..but keep Jimmy.. he's big n' funny lookin'.. but he plays drums real well n' you 2 look good in black dresses so.. ) My teacher Mr.Olsen says that 'this is how i am.. and maybe i should not fight it..' well in so many words he did.. .. maybe that's why i don't totally get why i even have this bl0gg thing anyway.. it's alot of things..but not to many people see this stuff i type.. and what difference is it gonna make if i type the measly peasly sh6t i do in a schizo-day that makes any sence to f7ckin' anyone.. why are people gonna come here to read that i cut myself asgain..or i had problems with my maw.. or i'm talking to tigers.. i ask this sh5t all the time. (??) ..maybe it's just to vent..and for a few people to keep tabs on me.. lucky my folks don't see this stuff (yet).. ..the point is..is sometimes there is no point. I've keep working hard to get out of this bad place ..and maybe it's in vain.. there is 0 connection to the past several months.. while i know it's been 'months'..weeks or whatever.. it doen't feel like it.. i struggle to feel.. i struggle to be real..prolly no more or less than anyone else.. today i was so ridden in anxiety i wanted to die so bad.. later in the evening when i went to cousin's house.. i talked to Mike.. and i was able to work on my illustrations while i was on phone with him. Mike was worried that 'his' was the only opinion that counts.. and he wants me to make sure i guess i get more than his opinion on stuff.. and well mike has been critical on more than just my 'artwork' but my life style as well as far as me burning and bleeding on myself..whatever the case.. he is right.. but i prolly get more than enuff' of people's opinions as the 'time' drags on.. i just don't get it as often as i'd like..even Mr.Olsen my teacher,advisor,mentor.. doesn't even get to look and critique it as much. I am attempting for the billionth time it feels.. to get this sh6t on the road and 'out there'.. at this point tho'.. there are no stops.. i just GOTTA DO IT.. but Mike's opinion is very important to me.. and yeh.. it's prolly the most important.. it's special. My mawm doesn't ever really want or ask to see my stuff.. and my Pop usually doesn't either.. but well.. all in time.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   jueves, octubre 09, 2003 -->> .... noo baby.. boobyy no sleepy boobbby..HEEEYY.. you know.. the window on yir monitor there shore could use a good window sweeping.. ::..ok so this guy walks into a sleeping clinic with two ducks, a baby moose, a squirrel and FULL GROWN 'BOW-VINE.. he tells the Sleep Agent.. hey.. how much ta put these ammimals ta sleep.. the clerk replies.. Well gee..that's alota ammimals ta put to sleep.. but if ya have us lightly drug the out the cow but not put him ta sleep..give us the moose ..we'll cut the price by 'calf' .. .. .. killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme killme.. .. **fwuuumpp.. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   miércoles, octubre 08, 2003 -->> ..my history with A.S.L. (American Sign Language) has been a mixed-up 10+ years. I use a sloppy combination of finger-spelling and regular sign. I've tryed to get certified but ASL is a very complex language ..like any so..i bombed out of those classes. But what i've known the past decade gets me by..i guess. When i was little my father worked at the 'Colorado Springs School for the Deaf and Blind' .. and alot of why i started picking up on baisic sign & finger spelling was because of him. As years went on..i was makeing more friends who happened to be hearing impared..one special case is my pal,Jasen. Jasen is an amazing guy. He's had a tricky time in life.. he does use a walker for he had alot of surgeries on his legs when he was a kid..he used to be in a wheel chair.. but he always strived just to be like everybody else (damm ,i sound like a 'Special Olympics' promo.but it is true).. and Jasen ..in my eyes ..is no differnt than anyone else i know. When i worked at the local park..'Garden of the Gods' here in Colorado Springs.. i knew enuff sign that anytime a deaf visitor would come in.. they always called me to communicate with them cuz i was the only one on site that knew ASL.. soon Jasen was working there with me. I go to school with him.. sometimes we go mall-ratting or see a show. Jasen is one of the best friends i've had. Sometimes.. i can be more myself around him and his friends than can be around other people. He is just a great person.. so much so that his Grandparents and Gardians.. Mr. & Mrs. B became part of my 'family'. They really took me in alot and help me out when i really needed them.. and i hope somehow i am still there for them to whatever avail. As my time of knowing Jasen has gone on i've seen him turn into kind of a cool,fun kid..to a very responsible guy. The past year or so has been even more difficult for him.. and me n' him have had our ins and outs.. but again..he's 'family'. Jasen is alot of things and one thing he excells at is the definition of a 'FIGHTER'. He keeps going on.. and continually wants to learn. He is so smart.. there is no way in hell i'd know 1/2 the computer stuffs ..softawares and the like if it wasn't for his help. We are nothing alike.. and he is very Christian.. but even tho' we may disagree.. his family still loved me for who i was.. they prolly are 'True Christians' if i ever saw 'em. Jasen is extremly talented..maniaclly goofy and just really wierd. If i die tommorow..i'd die with a smile just knowin' how funny he is!! Here is Jasen's website ..with some pictures and crazy stuff.. and gees.. what else can i say,Jasen.. your a 'Superman'..if not a 'Super "BONE HEAD'!! 8) luv ya,pal.. .. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   martes, octubre 07, 2003 -->> ..#>#>#>#>#>#>#>#>#>#>#>#>#>#!! !!! ####%%%% X X X X X X ## .. sh7t.. math is killing me.. gaw.. i don't hate #s but think i hate math.. i'm just in 'Baisic College Math' .. but i'm so far behind now.. at least i'm doing the homework.. but i fail each 10 min. quiz.. f7ck f7ck f6ck!! .. .. . the homework .. allt he answers are done in the book and teacher allows us to copy them. The class is a waist of 50 minutes and i'm forcing myself to stay in the damm thing.. i can't even get the damm toutor people to hook me up with a toutor for help.. so f7ck.. my mind is flying.. and i have millions of manic energies all over.. i see tigers racing.. .. i just wantg to go home and sketch hard and paint my big illus. .. anything but think about math sh6t.. lord.. want my damm head to stop.. it doesn't stop.. GAWWW.. where the hell are all the f7ckin' wall hiding when you need to crash into them?? .. yeh.. a nice fat,big,tall, cement wall .. damm damm damm - + X %%% $$ 3####### 232357880303.. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..