{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
viernes, octubre 31, 2003
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..'Poodle Porn' * was stupid joke me and Jasen.. used to joke about..i'd make the ASL sign of the dog.. and show how that some dogs here so 'hot' 'specially when they humped yir leg.. it's pretty easy to make Jasen laff' ..i can be more expressive i guess at sign language.. i guess.. more body movement.. and even tho' i'm really sloppy.. i can flip out in sign and poke fun at myself.. and Jasen and crew can laff' real hard. One year Jasen got dressed as Leonardo..the costume cost me 25 $$ but it was worth it.. his grandparents spotted me later.. an' i dressed as super good looking Vincent Perez a.k.a. Ashe.. 'Crow -city of Angels'.. my hair was a little longer then.. so i kind of pulled it off..sans the tight jacket..
..the original 'Crow' was classic and really can't be touched.. but 'C of A' was special to me ..
Mia Kirshner is so beautiful in it..she plays the 'growed up' Sarah from the first film and it's one of those sequals that really is damm good..i liked her so much i put her poster of 'Sarah' on my ceiling above my bed.. i got te Vincent T-shirts..i i kinda was a Crow -brain for awhile there.. the show has a fairly bitter sweet ending.. and damm ..just georgeous !!
.. today i didn't sleep til' 9 A.M. or so..i missed and had to reschedule my important neurologist appointment.. need to get the results from the EEG from last August..o well 3 more weeks.
My pop and sister picked me up at 4:15 or so..got to school..painted my face quick..threw on the Turtle beak and chucks.. so this year ..for the first time i was a ninja turtle and one of the ggod guys.. i was shredder a few years back.. but well i succeed..i was Mikey..
//Mikey P. said he was all decked out for 1970s costume party at his aunts.. so i wanna catch pix of his.. i'll make some crap shots of this Mike costume of mine.. n' ..well maybe i'll go to Walley World in a bit later and show all the nice ladies that call me 'baby' the costume..Halloween was always special.. and this one ain't perfect.. but it's better than last year.. 2002 i spent a whole lot of time on a costume only a handful of people saw.. Anthrax Postal Worker.. gaw..it was cool.
..o well.. damm i posted 3 X..
.. b00gah b00gah!!
..>v<
$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$
-->>*
Louis Castanon has a new fan..this is a f6ckin' sweet anime.. .. gaw i love flash toons..!! At long last..proof of 'Poodle Porn' ..
..>v<
$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%
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..i made this..
..>v<
jueves, octubre 30, 2003
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.. i always like that animation..Bub gettin' shocked ..
.. it's f9cking incredible i just plug in a lamp and go.. that's like my..'new' way to feel. Last night i just so wanted to die..but the urge to feel was stronger..
..i will go plug the damm lamp again in awhile here.. but now wanting dead time is stronger.. but boy i need to feel..
..it 's seems like when you hate yourself so bad.. everyone else hates you even more.. cousin picked me up from the damm school cuz he's 'nice'.. yeh i appreciate Dave R.'s help.. but when he makes it seem like some f7ckin' burdensome problem ..takin' me around.. i feel even worse.. i pay him gas money and give him food out of my own pantry.. he ain't livin' with Unca Jerry and Aunt Barb anymore.. not like they can give him security or food.. i just want to help him out like he helps me.. othertimes he's real cool.. funny and just a lunkhead.. tonight he was a d1ck.. so i just shut up after he came to the school..let him jump on the comp..i finished work for Mr.Olsen.. scanned some stuff and left.. jsut sayin' for him to take me home.
..i don't sleep.. so i'm worried about my Neurologist appointment in the morning..i will try to walk or bus there.. but if i'm not out of here by 11 ..i'm f6cked. I still don't have my car.. and with Pop retiring after over 30 years from the post offiice tommorow..he starts his 'new' job tommorow.. horray..retire to go work again.. guess that's how it goes.. his benefits don't kick in for 3-5 months.. gotta pay the bills.. sh6t ..he still owes me 400 $$ which i guess i won't see for awhile longer.
.. whatever it's all gab.. i hope i get to dress up for the holliday.. Halloween was alwas so damm special..last year i even had a real good costume too. ( Anthrax ridden postal worker).. bairly anyone saw and i went into work late that day ..i came home took some sh6tty web cam pix of the costume..then i took off my costume and burned myself..
..1 year later i feel different and twisted.. worse and better in so many ways.. and hurt.. well i guess i better get in line like everyone else..
// oo..poor me.. the end of this line is a nice lamp i like to stick my fingers in ..
.. if i'd known all this sh6t would have happened this year.. i prolly wouldn't have bunt myself like i did last year.. had i known i'd be feeling this hurt.. last halloween would have been my last night alive..
..oo ..poor me..
.. class of pain 101.. hear's my f7ckin' heart.. dissect..
..>v<
miércoles, octubre 29, 2003
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..fires rage,people die..
and and here me and voices and heads..
..it's always these 'voices'.. yeh ..the ones they make t-shirts about.. and make fun of people on the comedy shows..movies get made about 'evil'..mentally-ill killers.. there was a fairly negative movie i recall about that ..simply entitled -'Schizophrenia' ..
..EVERYONE.. near everyone wants me to stop 'cutting','bleeding',burning' ..cuz it is "wrong" ..ok.. yeh.. i just f8cking wake up.. to start chopping my flesh up cuz the thought that entered my mind.. "O' ..you know..i think it's a real good idea to go light up the soldering iron..and burn my arms cuz boy.. ya know.. i'm so angry at my mom.. and gee.. this will make things even.. whoo-h00."
..what??
Jesus.. i could not ever make it claear to anyone.. no matter what.. i tried again and again to justify..'ME FEELING'.. i try to make it clear why i did it.. why i needed it.. why things told me to do it.. why it happened..
.. THERE WAS A F7cking MILLION REASONS WHY I DID IT.. THERE WAS A F7cking Million reasons i tried to explain.. .. no effect.. no understanding.. just me fighting heads and voices and doing a 'Bad Thing'.
..Then suddenly i had this brink of 'hope'.. the only thing i could just say was 'mine'.. it made me consider my destiny of 'death'. Now..
..--- they cut that.. to some degree.. i'm now hanging by a f7cking thread.. things seem like they are going ok. People cross the fingers and pray ..or perhaps.. they just don't even worry about it. They shouldn't.. i know how to handle this .. i've been suicidal before.. really ..i'm suicidal all the time..i mean.. why worry??
..i can't think.. the anxiety is so hi-
..'Hey.. you,Dave.. get some sleep.. hey.. get some rest.. Relax.. go read a book..' .. O yeh.. i sleep during the f6ckin' days.. and i try to get caught up on school and work.. or i don't sleep and work the whole f7ckin' time.. ??
.. ya know,f6ck.. there are no patterns for me.. i do my best to maintain routine.. but maybe fact is fact.. if it defines me or not.. right now..i really don't give a f7ck.. it's me.. here.. tigers and a sh5t load of talking heads.. heads .. yeh..
.. so what?? .. no..i haven't cut myself yet.. i'm ok.. right..
..i've always rigged up various electrical devices and played around with little shocks.. from the outlet. Often the plan was to make a device actually electricute myself to death.. but the little 'shocks' , kind of like when you plug in a lamp..and it is on.. but there is no bulb..the electricty has to go somewhere..if i stuck my fingers in where the bulb goes..i got a nice quick little jolt.. it feels good..
.. i need to feel so often.. maybe if i do this instead of bleeding..my body and scars will heal.. and it is another alternative next to ice i have found that helps against me constantly considering burning and cutting my flesh..i will 'shock' myself..
.. i want to be dead so bad.. but that is a 'bad thing' (ooo ,don't think that ,tokk).. so i'll go do some work and hope i get sleep this morning.. cross your fingers..
..>v<
lunes, octubre 27, 2003
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.. god..
from Denver ABC '7'
Ten Commandments Debate Draws Anti-Gay Preacher
Fred Phelps Building $15,000 'Matthew Shepherd In Hell' Monument
POSTED: 2:25 p.m. MST October 27, 2003
CASPER, Wyo. -- An anti-gay preacher known for his fiery protests over slain University of Wyoming student Matthew Shepard has thrown a wrench into another emotional issue in Shepard's hometown.
The city of Casper -- like other communities across the country -- is debating the fate of its Ten Commandments monument, which has sat in the corner of a city park for nearly 40 years.
The Wisconsin-based Freedom from Religion Foundation last month asked Casper to remove the monument, citing recent legal decisions against similar monuments in Alabama and elsewhere.
Two weeks later, city officials got another letter, this one from the Rev. Fred Phelps, whose Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas has led protests in Casper and Laramie on the anniversary of Shepard's death since the gay college student was murdered in 1998.
Phelps told city officials he wanted to erect a second monument in the park declaring Shepard was in hell for being gay -- saying the presence of the Ten Commandments means all monuments must be allowed.
"The Supreme Court has said powerfully that every park and every sidewalk in every city is deemed to be held in trust by the officials of that city as a public forum for robust debate of public issues," Phelps said. "That's my pulpit. ... That park is ours as a forum for public debate."
The request has complicated an already sticky debate and generated comments from people and organizations around the world.
"The suggestions we've been getting are all over the board, from removing the Ten Commandments to keeping it there and fighting," city manager Tom Forslund said. "But there's a strong consensus in the community that no one wants Phelps' hate monument or message of hate in our community, whether it's on park land or on private land."
The council will explore three options at a special meeting Tuesday evening.
One involves giving the Ten Commandments monument back to the Fraternal Order of the Eagles, which donated it to Casper in 1965, and rejecting Phelps' request.
Another would keep the monument and reject Phelps' request, while a third would remove the monument and place it in a new plaza on city property that would include a number of historical documents.
The first option is unpopular with a large segment of the population and the second would almost certainly lead to litigation.
The third, a political science professor says, also violates the Constitution and is not a viable solution.
"It will help if the other documents are of a secular nature, but you still run into religious problems," University of Wyoming professor Michael Horan said.
The simplest solution, Horan said, is to remove the monument.
In a decision last year, the 10th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that any city displaying a Ten Commandments monument on city property must also allow monuments of other religious or political groups. To do otherwise implies "a city is backing (the Ten Commandments)," Horan said.
Phelps, 73, is using the decision to back his argument, and says another possible solution -- banning all private monuments from the park -- would infringe on his right to free speech.
His monument -- which cost $15,000 and will be completed in three weeks -- will bear a bronze placard with Shepard's portrait and an inscription reading: "Matthew Shepard entered hell October 12, 1998, at age 21 in defiance of God's warning: 'Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind; it is abomination.' Leviticus 18:22."
Phelps said he chose Casper as the site for the 6-foot-tall granite monument because it is where Shepard learned it is "OK to be gay."
"It is not a healthy lifestyle," he said. "It is not an innocent alternate lifestyle. It is a monstrous sin against God that has serious consequences, including going to hell when you die."
Phelps said he will buy private land for the monument or sue the city if it tries to keep him out of the park.
Sarah McMullen, a spokeswoman for Shepard's mother, Judy, declined comment other than to say "The Shepards and the entire community of Casper have chosen to confront Mr. Phelps' reprehensible behavior with silence."
..Phelps also stated that he will have the city provide round-the-clock security to prevent vandals from hurting the monument and to protect his 'freedom of speech".
..i can't take it anymore.. when the Mathew Shepard was murdered ..i was seeing so much anti-gay sh6t.. supporting the murder.. I did't understand why the f7ck people being 'anti-gay' were supporting this.. god. The similar mindset will justify the murder of an abotion doctor or the execution of an innocent person..i don't understand anymore.
Long ago Christianity was so much something i was drowning in. You can be raised catholic..get exposed to the Jahova Wittness,Mormon,Lutheran,Baptist, and Bible Christian faiths.. it all merges.. you see too many parrallels.. and after some unsettling 'Super-church' exploits.. and the Charasmatic Catholic.. the logic of 'Christian' is too confusing and hurtful. I still keep candels of San Lazaro,San Miguel..i have some rosaries.. and a goofy St.Clair statue.. i guess some of the Catholic stuff left it's mark on me.. but i'm not anything now.. 3-4 tyears ago i let it all go. I read this stuff like up above.. while i realise not all Christians beleive as Phelps.. some are more open and accepting i've had some true chrisitians like Mike and his family,my Pop and Myrna in my life.. to name a few..
But i've also seen some dangerous mindsets here.. within Colorado..at first it made me angry and confused.. but smetimes it's just scary.
Silence only does so much.. but i guess only words do so much too..i don't know. 6-7 years ago..it's doutful the Sheard family ever thought they would even have lead the way with a 'Matthew Shepard Foundation'..
..i don't know.. i don't know.. fires in San Bernadino have me worried.. some real good friends there are in danger and everytime there is disaster so far away i freek out so f7ckin' bad..
But this story added some extra steam to my brain.. i'm not ok with this sh6t.. maybe all the times i should have been silent or it would have been appropriatei wasn't.. but i don't live in Casper.
I've been there.. my Friend..( i got in bad habit of calling him 'Preacher Van'),Van used to be one of my best friends.. we really were like brothers.. i could talk to Van about anything.. sh6t..i didn't even know what a 'she-male' was until Van told me..guess i was so dumm. Van was heavy involved in Bible Christian Church here in town scince he was little and i went along with him here and there for many years. It was actually a pretty nice little church and people were generally friendly.. as the years went on ..it became less 'nice' and more cold.. people i used to say hi to didn't talk to me anymore.. and most of the time i was just 'Van's tag-along Agnostic Friend' ..i even got hurt when Van's mom died by the bastard pastor who conducted the memorial service for Mrs. Spratford took over the whole service and sought fit to keep me out of it..cuz the Van and the Spratfords were my 'family'.. but that is long over and now.. Van went to school up inLa Grange Wyoming @ 'Frontier School of Bible'..i been there.. really small town.. like 300+ people.. real beautiful prarie.. and the stars at night..wow.. i took a cool walk out at the night on the dusty road outside up from Van's dorms.. and it's so dark.. but the rushing little water stream was babbling by the road.. and there was a stretch of grass by there.. and all the little bugs crawling on you.. and the sky..
i just remembered the whole sky.. dark,azure and stars and some ufo like things.. it was beutifull god..this place had a small heard of Milking cows.
How can such a wonderful ,happy place (gaw..the room i slept in had the bovine right outside the window..it was a dairy cow!!) turn Van into someone i don't even know anymore.So closed minded,sometimes hateful.. and pretty much miopic to anything but his 'faith'. Maybe he was brainwashed?? Maybe he just is typical..i dunno. Alot of that was Van's choice..yeh.. maybe it was 'God's calling'.. but Van chose to follow.. this is what Van wanted.. and i suppose he's happier.. he wanted to keep up with all his friends who were becoming preachers..and making babies and dressing all nice and pretty.. he wanted a girl he wanted to work with youth..he wanted to do God's work..
Van went back to school in Kansas City.. graduated and got married to Amy and know i guess he has his 'own'.. he wanted to keep up with the Jonses.. and he did. I still care about Van and i've learned to like Amy.. maybe i will see them at the Holiday in December.. last December Van didn't even talk to me but for a few minutes..i hadn't seen him in 6 months and when i went to Myrna's he acted like he saw me the day before..and him and Amy wanted to play 'Monopoly' more than anything..weird.
Gaw i don't know where all that came from.. i start out with Mattew Shepard and end up on Van.. things always change..change can be bad and good..
..i've changed alot too.. and if Van were to read any of this.. i'm pretty sure he'd look at me alot more in a negative veign.. he doesn't know anything ..and i rarely type to him in emails..it's just f7cked up.. i was always told 'Gay people go to hell..it is SoDDOM AND GommoRA..(sp)....oo..'
.. yet we had gay people in the family and well. I remember hearing alot that people can think 'it will never happen to me' ..until it hits close to home..
I guess that's kind of what happened with me and Van.. yeh,Van i'm bi-sexual now.. and perhaps i always was. Maybe i can tell that to his face one day..or maybe..if i'm un/-lucky..he's reading this right now..and thinkin' "Boy ,Dave really is shizophrenic !!" ..i guess none of this had to do with Van and it was waisted space.. i dunno..
Whatever.. i guess i'm good at rambling..and what few of you made it this far..i'm amazed once again.. i thank all 3 of you and the velociraptor..
..but what i heard in the news bothers me too much.. schizophrenic or not..i hope i have a mind..and i hope my opinion has a little relavence..
..as far as the Phelps thing.. what was that famous yet too often fergot commandment?? ..o yeh..
THALL SHALL NOT KILL!!
..>v<