{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..

viernes, noviembre 14, 2003 -->> ..needed to die again.. fought it..Mike helped.. ..maybe it's all dumm..but it's a f8ck of alot harder now.. ..i got it pretty good.. roof overhead and cereal in my gut.. ..whatever is in my brain.. whatever makes me 'sick'..whatever is makes me go madd.. whatever is driving me to die or to Mike or to a million crircles.. Schizophrenia -IT's PURE UNADAULTERATED HELL.. 9 times out of 10..i see people say it's just 'CRAZY' ..but this sh7t made life incredibly ludicrous at times.. Schizophrenia or not.. the ripples it makes in life..i might as well be throwing boulders in a pond.. ..talked to Miguel.. started working on sh8t.. try to slow down.. a bit.. ..KRCC local public radio played this..i got a dumm grin on my face.. Thank you,Jonathan Richman :: --True Love Is Not Nice Well, it hurts from the bottom and it hurts down to your soul that's because true love is not nice. And it brings up hurt from when you were five years old that's because true love is nice. Oh, pain, pain, pain, ain't that just love's name, love can bring up hurt from way down low. It now be unforsized, true love is just not cizilized. True love is not nice, no, no. Well, you've been hurt before, but now you're hurt and sore. True love is not nice. And if it's real love then that hurt won't go, well, true love is not nice. Oh, pain, pain, pain, rain, rain, rain, that's why you felt loves arrow and said, oh, Well, you knew from your first flirt, that love was here to hurt. True love is not nice, no, no. ..look it up on itunes or something it's supposed to be funny..but it hit me as too close to the truth.. and damm.. ..perhaps the insecurities outstack the sound,stable things..but i know what my main objectives are..i need to show me and Mike that i can overcome them.. maybe i am showing..maybe i'm not.. & it all f7cks with me..but i am listening, and at least i have him in some semblance of my life..right now this is how it is.. .. thanks again to Miguel,John,Jan,the 2 pineapples and the Pony that read this sh7t blogg and care..luv ya.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   miércoles, noviembre 12, 2003 -->> ..schizo schizo ..dark ..dark dark dark ..f7ck.. heads ..heads.. i'm taliing to heads// .. ..it's not going to matter.. thay all laff at me.. Yeh,ok folks..i'm on drugs// .."Green Tabacco// .. what that biy trippin' .. boy.. he's on drugs.." //well actually..seein' as how the f7ckin doctors won't give me a damm medicine that actually work.. yeh,folks..i'm OF drugs.. i won't go back until doctor listens to me..odds are.. they won't// .. it's been almost 2 decades.. why'd they start listening now..?? "SELFISH,tokk is selfish.. he wants to bleed.. he burns himself..he cuts himself.. he's selfish.. he plots his own demise 24/7.. and in a heated moment he reacts.. he flips out and he attempts.. selfishselfishselfishselfish.. ... .. .. .. kill me .. ..Yeh.. //yeh same old sh7t; why?? Cuz it's the smart thing.. the right thing.. i'm selfish cuz i want peace.. ?? Yeh..apperant.. And the very hypocrits that have me wrapped around his fingers call me selfish.. kind of f6cked up.. they want me to remain the pointless being of chaotox.. and once again ..the full circles.. // i need to feel right now.. these urges.. yeh.. that's like a drug.. that's what made me feel.. I fell in love.. everyone worried that it would end in pain.. and that's the f7ck what happened.. love was lies?? it sure seems that way when you are drowning.. ..maybe if i keep working.. it'll all get better and keep my mind off it.. maybe if i get real lucky.. i'll work myself to death. I need to feel.. i need to feel it and not feel any remorse.. get out of my skull,angel!! >v< *-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-* -->> ..sleep-less-nesss.. continues.. re-building this web-site is important to me.. i hope Mike will follow thru'.. gaw ..so f7ckin' numb.. need to feel so bad.. ..i follow thru' for him all the time.. agh.. no give him time,tokk.. he still loves you.. just let him go at his pace.. f7ck.. ..sometimes wonder if f8ckin' Mike cares anymore..at all.. sometimes he makes me assume sh6t ..and i have to tollerate it or else..and it hurts.. ..no..he cares.. sh8t..hallucinate f7ck..- all i see are tigers..when i made that illustration up there ..it was so intense.. but Mike was there with me.. his heart was there with me.. right there..now he's limboed..maybe he likes this..maybe he is testing me.. i don't know.. it f6cks me so bad ,yo. Tigers are real.. f8ck.. schizo.. people hate me ,yo.. THEY DO!! My dreams so damm intence// some dreams simply of me sleeping with him.. sometimes i crash head first into pavement from 30 stories.. but always i see tigers.. the blue devils crash and crash.. god i want to bleed right now.. when will i be with angel?? when,f7ck when ? ? ? i need to die..i need angel more.. // ..god dammit,miguel..i miss you so f7ckin' bad ..heart bleeds.. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   martes, noviembre 11, 2003 -->> ..(don't worry,John..i ain't ignoring you.. just real damm zippy ..) ..Monday was fear.. filled with tigers.. talking heads.. and the scariest.. i'd never seen this .. i was laying down.. a deep DEEP.. growling and it was like a swarm.. little blue devils ran right into my.. screaming and racing.. i was to scared to continue laying down..it's like the little devils crashed into me.. was so madd.. i stayed working..on web crap.. i called Mike quick..left got bread at Walgreens and to ass Wal-mart to fill phone card.. this was my late walk.. i'd not been out all day.. so.. Tigers were all over everything.. i kept talking to angel tho.. but was warning that if i didn't get home..Mike would be gone on the phone.. sure 'nuff.. guess i have to wait til' Thursday. Tuesday and Wenesday are his days off from me so.. i work more.. god i miss him.. ..up there is a peek from my dumm 'fridge-gallery' .. 'inner-city ocelot' .. ..gawd i suck.. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   lunes, noviembre 10, 2003 -->> ..fairly exhausted.. workin' damm hard.. needs to be done.. a little dark mood.. heart's in limbo.. and kind of horny..me am a blue tiger.. MASSIVE ATTACK "Inertia Creeps" Recollect me darling raise me to your lips Two undernourished egos four rotating hips Hold on to me tightly I'm a sliding scale Can't endure then you can't inhale Clearly Out of body experience interferes And dreams of flying I fit nearly Surrounds me though I get lonely Slowly Moving up slowly Inertia keeps She's moving up slowly Slowly Moving up slowly Inertia creeps Moving up slowly She comes Moving up slowly She comes Moving up slowly Inertia creeps Moving up slowly She comes Moving up slowly Moving up slowly In my home no chrome as clear as See me now with my nearest dearest Been there when I'm over careering Room shifting is endearing Between us is our kitchen Would you found my irritant's itching Been here before Been here forever Moving up slowly Inertia keeps Moving up slowly Inertia creeps Moving up slowly Inertia keeps Moving up slowly She comes Moving up slowly Moving up slowly She comes moving up slowly Inertia creeps moving up slowly She comes I make no sound in my eidertown Awake I lie in the morning's blue Room is still my antenna in you Nylon burns the bedspread with two Gravity's zero see me stall I bounce off walls lose my footing and fall It can be sweet though incomplete though And the frames will freeze See me on all four's It's been a long time She comes She comes I want to x you She comes I want to x you She comes I caught your radio waves I caught your radio waves Will you take a string Say you string me along Say you string me along Say inertia creeps Inertia creeps and she comes Say she comes Say she comes Say she comes Say she comes .. think i'm gonna go try to crash for awhile.. creep up to my bed.. .. .. and hump my Ewok .. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   domingo, noviembre 09, 2003 -->> The anxiety.. 24-7.. anxiety ,fear,insecurity..me (i) am all this.. i'm pretty lucky i'm not evading war-heads..but what ever piddly chaotix the crux of my exsistance is now.. insecurity and all.. i deal with head on..maybe tho'..i need a foot ball helmet.. One thing..(amoung many good things,but at the top of my list) has been the one i love. He's a mamaw's boy.. about as good with follow-thru as any f7ckin' typical male.. sweet,smelly,rude and can to as many conclusions as any block-head who thinks they know it all,he doesn't mean to be rude.. but when he does get like that ..it cuts like a knife..he's confused me from the very start and can get filled with so much blind ambition that it was kind of like looking before you leap.. we lept.. and now it's all very simple and complex.He's the best friend i've ever had & (in my opinion,the greatest). He looks out for me the best of his abilities and what is available to him.. ..he makes me relise i need to do things for myself.. i do the best i can from here. I got to drag answers out of him..like pulling tonsils. When all this went down.. i was like a lost 7 year old all trying to find my way with this 'angel' i'd found..and i was so damm confused.. almost a year later..i still feel like that 7 year old.. but no longer all sad.. angrier,more afraid, and more of a cocky attitude.. this little boy will kick you in the groin if you f7cked with him and took away his teddy. Everything was so strange but when this started..& it gets stranger now..i got him as a major part of my life and right now i'm thankful he's there for me just to be my ear after a f8ckin' manic day like Saturday. Maybe it was asking to much out of both of us for this commitment.. Long-distance relationshops are killers & if you get into one..be prepared. People prolly do this internet relationship more than i can imagine.. but when you've been friends with someone you didn't know was gay or was worried about and suddenly your talking to this person.they are saving your life on the damm phone and well.. boom**~~!@@!@@@ ..that's where it goes. Relationships; they can survive..but obviosly is hardly easy. When you fall in love.. noone really wants it to end.. and when it does ,people can try to let it go.. but when you let something go to where your throwing it away..you destroy any hope of anything getting better in any regard. To take a defeatest attitude like 'HE' does seem to take sometimes.. he sets himself up to the facts that he will remain in a relative state of 'the same old thing' and 'unhappiness'.. the risks invovled over the past 12 months have been extreme ..they have lead to so many overwhelming challeneges and to impossible ones we had and have conqured. There are minimal answeres and most of the time.. there are no answers .. and it seems like a continual amount of work..but at least we have eachother in something and as things go along the chaotic and non-chatotic paths.. we're still a team and we help eachother out. We'll find the answers as we go along..just some are just not gonna be as easy as others to find. Yeh..the old f8ckin.. 'no "WE" in team' .. once you make a drastic change in your life.. it kind of.. keeps going that way// push one domino.. the rest all topple.. but it's not always bad. My attitudes tword life are contradictory and i'd soon kill myself than remain in Colorado Springs. But the direction i'm heading now is very uncertain..12 months later // i'm getting the f8ck out of dodge and following my heart. If i'm setting myself up..so be it. If not.. i won't know until i try..at least 'He' tries.. and at least i do.. and to my own credit.. at least he's got someone doing thier best to make a difference in his life as well as mine..and i know him..as much as he helps me.. i help him.. even if he like it or not.. ~~**ramble ramble ramble.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..