{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
sábado, noviembre 22, 2003
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..i was way late at work and could only get so much finished at school..i cleaned the class rooms with a lick and a promise.. cleaned down all the mac lab and then Cousin came and stopped by for a bit while i worked on my own sh6t & talked to Mike..we ran to Arby's quick and went to see 'elf' ..best x-mas movie ever.. ..Matrix-shmatrix..this was fun-damm movie..i'd take a whole kindeegarden class to see it.. too fun..
..i'm now in the x-mas spirit.. and feel all candy canes and ginger-bread inside.. and can't wait to finish Mike's present ..!!
..i beleive..
.. i Beleive..
I BELEIVE !! .. I Beleive ..
..Ed Asner is really Santa Clause!!
..>v<
jueves, noviembre 20, 2003
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..a year ago today..changed exsistance ..my life as i knew it.. the down,down ..down of 2002 and burden of life ..just caught up with tOkK.
..that night/morning seems like yesterday.. and the fear of what had been smashing at my heart..wanting to break free. These comfused,maddening..the dire anxiety.. confusion..i was running.. in all directions.. as was my heart.. like the starving tigers.. i ran.. i ran.. i run.
Within' this running..a year ago..i was running to my end.. to my freedom..my love..the only love i trusted and knew..death.
Suicide is the most conflicted thing..while noone will agree with me.. it had become the greatest option.. if for once, i would not fail.. freedom..my freedom..in those darkest moments.. 'YOU' don't matter.. i do.. 'ME' ..death matters.. the only thing open to me..with open arms..that showed me love.. 'angel of death' ..showed me a way.. a RELEASE..i so craved.. this world is not for me.. consumtion and destruction played on minds of those wishing to consume the weak..i was weak..i was being consumed. Patience for 'better' things was impossible at this point.
.."NO NO NO.." ..angel said no..angel fought heads..
.."NO NO NO" ..angel wouldn't have it.. and tigers by tails.. scared little boy.. that was me.. 7 and scared.Angel of death waiting.. my mind was exhausted..
..so was my tolerance for maddness and ignorance..'YOU' didn't matter..being dead..such a 'bad word' ..did.
..but that 'thing' ..smashing my heart.. this little time-bomb.. hitting,ticking,about to explode..and i was running tword angel// ..
..a year ago is yesterday.. and the bomb ..
-exploded.
My friend..my support..of 5 years..became the best friend i'd ever had.. it was nervous,confused,maddness,frightening.. i didn't know how to handle it..
..but it forever changed too many things that i thought were 'MINE'.. even death.. that was mine.. you couldn't take that away.. i chained myself to that long ago.. and you can't take that away..!!
// ..angel grabbed it.. ..shook me.. again ans again.. a roller coaster of emotions ..so far away.. a long distance relationship was one thing..someone so 'sick' as me..falling into this.. -- i suspected it was whole..i knew it could be.. the understanding and compassion,the faith in schizophrenic boy..the..
..love..
...it was love..it was not nice..it was scary.. i'd felt it only twice in my life..every oher girl..(a handful) i had been with..were just that..(handfuls).. two loves of my life.. i failed to speak up..i destroyed thier faith in me.. and i lost them forever. Love was not going to happen again.. not for the walking dead.. not for my inevitable death.. i've died hundreds of times.. one of these days my true love would finish the mania..and i'd have peace.
..the time-bome did it's "damage (??) " and it was too late..
..Angel was/is the greatest thing to happen to me..when that bomb exploded.. and within' a year of the "aftermath".. i discovered what is whole and good.. and what i was really looking for was Angel all that/this time..
..everything had to be re-evaluated ..over and over..i lost site so easily.. poor angel..again and again.. had to stay on track himself.. while managing his life from afar..yet somehow 'putting-up' with me..again and again..
..it was crazy.. only a 'handful' of times besing able to be with the one true love.. and i so let it f8ck with me. Patience.. was one of the main keys..i kept on blowing it.. but somehow..we got stronger and stronger.. but i just couln't keep up.. it was like a 3-legged race.. and sometimes your being dragged by the other's leg.. or you somehow catch the lead.. and you end up dragging the other one's face in the dirt..it was so hard.. and the team-work was so off sometimes.
But the moments.. the moments of truth.. the joy.. together..or apart on the phone.. my best friend filled my with so much happiness.. i felt and feel like i belong..in the purest moments.. the good one..aside from the chaos..the truest gifts that he gave me..wholeness.. his heart. It's still with me.. haunting me,killing me, making me insane, driving me, motivating me, moving me, making me so happy, terrified of uncertainty.. i am in a sort of mad limbo now..
..it's my fault.. i freeked out so bad.. i was scared for people so far away.. i was terrified they would survive a hurricane.. i'm no god..i cannot stop that.
..i was afraid..i let the fear control me..heads took control and i lost it for the last time angel could handle it..
-- then it would seem it was cut off..
..but then i got angry..too much control to the chaos and not enuff' control over the faith i had in angel. ..i f7cked up.. and got a big wake-up call.. and while angel 'woke me'.. i think i woke him..and gave a miracle of my own.. perhaps i could say i 'proved him wrong' ..but i won't.. i don't even know if it was that.. it is sometihng now.. a limbo.. no answers.. some..tho'..here and there.. and the ultimate most toughest challenges ahead..
.. for i don't belong here.. and the ball was set in motion a year ago..
..it was yesterday..i was a lost scared little boy.. maybe the little boy still has his times..lost,scared,manic,alone.. but he is a little older,and wiser..prolly more stupider.. but none-the-less.. in a few other directions than than SanMuerta.. ..i don't know.. but at least i still have him in some regard..i need to keep the faith in him.. and the virtue of patience..christ i need that..
"In daily life we experience suffering more often than pleasure. If we are patient, in a sence of taking suffering voluntarily upon ourselves, even if we are not capable of doing this physically, then we will not loose our capacity for judgement. We should remember that if a situation cannot be changed, there is no point in worrying about it. If it can be changed, then there is no need to worry about it either, we should simply go about changing it."
--His Holiness the Dalai Lama..
..
i keep going..running.. as best i can.. angel is not perfect.. but i am the best example of 'hypocrit'..
..i am a tiger.. i am still running..scarred and hurt sometimes..hungry and lost.. but i am still running..
..i love you,Miguel.. in all those ways.. madd and the simple ways..brotherly and friendly as well..it is what it is.. i will hope it can be something better than what it was/is.. i want to be your hero.. and i will keep running..
..i shall do all i can to find your heart.. perhaps..i'm running in the right directions..
..>v<
martes, noviembre 18, 2003
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MArc is an amazing person..so i'm f7ckin' looney.. people amaze me..
i look at my 'Dali Lama' book..
Anyone who feels overwhelmed has no power over realiy..
"I am a simple Buddhist monk, and although my exprience is in no way exceptional, I have been able to taste the benefits of developing an attitude of love, compassion, and respect for all human beings. for many years i have been trying to cultivate these qualities and, despite difficult circumstances, I realise that this approach has made me a happy man. Anyone who feels overwhelmed has no power over reality. Knowing how to accept the blows dealt by fate means never giving up."
--His holiness the Dalai Lama //
..i want to be happy..
..& i miss Miguel.. ..>v<
lunes, noviembre 17, 2003
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..this is 'Egg Beater Boy..'
..>v<
domingo, noviembre 16, 2003
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The story following this link:: 'three' is one of the most beautiful stories i'd ever read.. 'Strange Little Boy' "DAVE".. his blogg is pretty sweet..but damm.. after reading that i cryed..
..it's hard to read..even reading people's bloggs and Mike's takes alot of effort.. if i'm on not on 1 of the 2 computers here..i'm running around illustrating or cleaning..workin' on homework.. i multi-task so much..i even multi-task when i 'relax' ..i can't play PS2 or even ol' NES for to long without having to get up and work on 5 other things.. but this stuck me to the screen and it's real stories like that.. that jesus.. maybe i couldn't relate exact.. but wow. Damm,Dave.. you made me cry.
..as it is said 'Beauty in all things" ..and i do my best to find these things 'specially when i'm so lost and stuck.. it works against me and for me..;i find beauty in me being dead. But life can be beautiful as a millipede.
Last week was a nightmare.. and i dunno.
I got a late start cuz i worked on damm website from Friday evening til' Saturday noon.. i didn't get out of this pit 'til 7 or so.. me and cousin went about and he told me about his adventures to his step-brother's wedding..we went to the mall to Chick-fillet,comic store..a few other shoppes and then Super Target and Kmart..he told me of his accidental attendance at the erotic 'Cirque de Sole' in Vegas and it was cool to catch up ..i'd not seen him in a week. Where i live in this basement is a very cold & nervous place anymore. Anxiety flies too too much and schizophrenic or manic or mentally ill or not.. i'm not a f7ckin' idiot.. the people above me create too much havoc.. the land lord won't kick them out because of the economy.. and i dunno. Home really isn't 'home' ..it's kind of a prison.. but this is where i need to work now.. if even gonna get even close to Miguel. So much chaos some of these nights.. but some things like that.. that story is waht i need to give me a bit of hope..serious..
..beauty in all things.. and some moments i've had this year and keep having (even on the damm phone) make me all f7ckin' mushy as grits n' jelly..
..>v<