{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
? ? ? ?
-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
sábado, noviembre 29, 2003
-->> 
....Mike wrote a piece for the 'Valley Morning Star' about a local,historical landmark that the city is soon going to say goodbye to..and that holds a pretty unique arcitectural history to his home town of Harlingen,Texas..(and to Mike. He is kind of sticking up for things he beleives in ,in ways i've not normally seen.
..while he's always been fairly held in his opinions..he's seeming to take more of a stand than he would have a few years ago. I'm pretty sure what he doesn't need is me suckin' up to his already well-established ;ego-ed up teet..
..but..
..i'm pretty proud of him.
..>v<
viernes, noviembre 28, 2003
-->> 
.. Thanksgiving last year ..2002.. was this nervous day..i remeber it so clear..i was so scared..it was like i was hiding this precious gift only for me.. i just wanted to tell my mawm and pop ..but i couldn't. I fell deep in love with my best friend, and it was so hopeful. But on the same note i was terrified.. i just wanted to so be with him.. ..he was so far away.. i didn't even know if he was ok. Yeh.. last year ..i needed to be practical.. and say..'Yeh Mike.. he's ok..he's alive.' But i was to the point i thought he was dead. Last year..this was very new for me. I'd fell deep for someone and..it was the first time it had been a boy. Maybe i'd felt that with other guys..but the only intamate relationships were with girls..and i was only in love twice before.. but the feeling was so mutual here..& in my darkest hour..i finally admitted it and it was true..the feelings were mutual. The stress levels were real high last holiday. They always are.. my whole family is intense. Mawm especially..but last thanksgiving.. there was a short time, she slowed down..my mawm slowed down.. grabbed an old story book ..and started to tell my neice old rymes and stories ..some of the same ones my mawm told me when i was little. I choked back tears.. at one point my neice looked bored..mawm asked if she should stop..i told her to keep reading. It's those rare moments.. i get to see her true self.. not this manic drunk/workaholic.. pretending to be normal and pulling it off.. setting herself as just this woman who totally has her life under control. Successful as she is..success does not mean a problem and issue free exsitance.
But a year ago was a year ago..even tho' it's just a blur now. My mawm fell at the Nurses office she runs.. i don't toally know what happened ..but i do know she was showing relatives her office and ..it has been fairly cold and icey. If your not careful..it's easy for anyone to slip and fall.. mawm is real loopy as me. One thing leads to another.. she's fell..goes to the emergancy room..ends up home with a broken foot. The past few days my mother has been mixing her pain killers,regualr medicine (sleeping pills amoung that) and her consistant over-rationing of alchohol.
My little sister,Kate.. while i love her.. called this morning with sudden urgency..she somehow managed to get a printer for her computer and i'm supposedly supposed to know off the cuff why it doesn't work.. then while i'm coming up with the answer,she tells me she's coming around 10 or 11 to get me to take to Pop and Mawms for dinner. it was already 9 or so..and i couldn't sleep. I told her that i didn't know her problem with the printer and i'd have to look at it.. and told her not to come that soon cuz i needed a little sleep. She insisted on being here anyway.. a few cuss words and i hung up. she called again..as soon as the word 'Mother Fu- '.. was heard..i hung up again..didn't answer the phone and took the answering machine off. Called my pop and told him i didn't want Kate to get me cuz she was being to mean for my mentality to handle.
..i slept a few hours..
Later ..pop showed up to pick me up.. and the aftermath of my mawm's 'mixing' ..was thrown upon my father, my sister Sara, and my neice..(apperantly Kate got herself uninvited while doing a similar cussing thing to my mawm..that she did to me. I called back to say sorry to Kate for hanging up..but i did cuz it was a bad time for her to call all b8tchy wanting a favour.. do that sh6t to my mawm.. and well..). This was the worst i'd seen my mawm.. she's not even supposed to be on her feet..apperantly ..according to Sara.. my mawm was even vacumming the whole house. when she was supposed to be resting. Or at least off her feet. My mawm was everywhich way..i even felt my Pop was pretty submissive.. but he has to live with her..i'd imagine he just doesn't know what to do anymore. Mawm was pissing my little Neice off (she's only 7).. frustrating Sara so bad.. my mawm baisically came off as the dirty 'DRUNK' i so never wanted to see her as. But never say 'NEVER'. I tryed holding back tears.. and dinner just disappeared..noone enjoyed anything..cus it was just.. what it was..suppressed chaos. I'd made the mistake after dinner with conversing with mawm. It was a series of offers of money (which i am so tempted to take ..i'm always hurting for $$).. everything for $400 to cut off all my hair.. and while it's true she needs my help.. i can only hwlp her with household stuff when i don't have work or school. She wanted me to stay the night.. no way in hell. I'm too uncomfortable as it is there. I also have a big day of testing at the school today..Friday.. i can't miss this. These are redos of missed Math tests i've failed.. i need this opportunity. If i do not retake them..& try to pass them. I might as well not plan on graduation next semester. My Mawm finally got disgusted with me..and stated she was 'Leaving'. ?? Where would she go??
..She got up ..on her broke foot and headed out the door.. my father in tow..he told me to bribe Sara to take me home. Sara had to watch my neice,Serena.. there would be no way Sara could.. Sara had Serena for the night.. he f7cked up Ex-husband.. only lets Sara have her when he 'allots' Serena to her mother. Sara wasn't going to take me home.
The good thing was ..all the bull sh5t kind of leveled off by spending time with Sara and Serena.. we took pictures and palyed.. and Sara let me and Serena watch cartoons on 'Boomerang' and we even painted out nails.. Sara eneded up wiping my hands off with nail polish remover..cuz i couldn't get the 'Sparkle-Strawberry' off my nails.. it was kind of funny.
But that soon died down..Serena went to bed.. the cats let me pet them..but they and Sara went to sleep. My Pop would not answer his cell nor my Maw's cell phone. IT's like they had disappeared..while i was worried about them..i knew i had to get home.. with no ride of my own right now..nor noone to offer..i got desprate.. after 2 + hours..i took some of my mawm's money and took a cab. I will do the best i can to pay them back this weekend (Friday is the day if ind out if i get to keep my job as well.)
Once again to the basement.. suicidal as hell.. i despratly needed Miguel's voice.. i called. I think he said he'd call back.. but i called back anyway.I miss his voice in person ..so much. But even on the phone..i miss his voice..it was a releif to speak to him.. we'd not talked like this in awhile. Maybe it seems like i'm obsessive.. if people see it that way.. so be it. I miss him real bad. He said the same.. and..so it goes.
A year ago ..everything was new exciting and scary.. if my folks knew the truth then all hell would prolly have broken loose.. i'm sure.
A year later ..i'm still a little scared.. while i still don't toally know who i am.. i know a year's more than i did. I don't know if i would have ever said i was coming 'out'.. ..i'm Bi-.. right.. i mean.. i could easily say i still like girls.. and Mawm and pop would be cool..right?? Well to go the way i did..still..an 'outting' would be applicable. The question's of ..'Mike?? What's the deal with you 2?? ..Fag?? You?? Gay?? ' ..drive me insane.
..but with the instabability of Thursday.. and the fact that ..i'm pretty much still in some semblance of a relationship with Mike.. frindship,hiatus, or not.. he's still apart of my life. Maybe with some objections from family on his side.. i am still apart of his life. What happened this year..set me on a coarse that so changed everything. EVERYTHING.. i'm still in love with him.. he knows this. But waht can we do about it.. other than to keep working with eachother.. and find more answers.. stop the questioning.. and move on to whatever those next steps may be. .. within all of this.. i think it's best my parents 'not know' anything. Maybe i'll just have to deal with the side effects a bit longer.
I'm not dead yet.. and within the hope i feel within Mike.. and even Sara and Serena.. maybe i can grasp what little hope i see in me. ..
..for now.. i guess some rest is in order.
..>v<
jueves, noviembre 27, 2003
-->>
..happy day for all.. thank you to all who care about me and show support in all the chaotic aspects of life..
..and (whether he likes it or not..)..thanks to Miguel ..if it wasn't for him,i would not be here.. Miss you,angel..
..>v<
miércoles, noviembre 26, 2003
-->> 
..i don't know of many things.. but the connection to things i encounter in their beauty lead me to other beautiful things..
Maybe this 'thing' with Mike has conqured many aspects of my sanity and at times.. it seems to be something i'm fairly compulsive about..
..but at least.. thru' all the beauty i do encounter;throughout this chaos..i still dream..and somewhat inspired to dream.
Mike has changed.. he's more distant to alot of things..
( a year ago i would not have posted like this.. and Mike was often just reffered to as 'angel'..
and he still is..)
. he's about as connected to his online friends anymore with just this 'string'..
he almost seems as consumed with himself as i am..
..maybe it's just f8ckin' with me.
It does that all the time anymore.. but whatever the case..
..i sure as hell f7ckin' hope Miguel has not stopped looking for the beauty..
i hope he has not stopped dreaming.. and i still hope he has some faith left
in me that it can get better.
..if not..then i don't want to even think about it..
Martyn Bennett..
.. is driving me f7ckin' insane.. this cd is so damm ill,i swear..
i've played it 20 times.
now scince i got it last night.. track 10..
is a bit disturbed but is so f7ckin' wonderful..good lord..
"A Tinker piper from Arrochar,Loch Fyne, recounts his version of this
well-known allegory..'The Maiden Without Hands'.
It is a fairly susses psychological analysis on internal family polotics and
their power struggles, covering deceit, victimisation,brutality,
complicity,guilt,empowerment,reconciliation,
& finally , genetic repetition."
..it's cool little tale.. Davie Stewart ..an 'Older-style Scott'
recorded the tale i
n 1955 and the track is mixed perfectly.. here is the tale..if anyone is
reading this far.. and if anyone cares to read beyong this colon .. : :
WELL THERE WAS ONCE UPON A TIME ..
there was a king and his wife, and she died, an they left a daughter. So the king remarried. And this king, when he remarried, the stepmother took a hatin to this girl. Sae she was goin one day for a pitcher o water, an she let the pitcher fall. So she put the blame on the daughter.
So she says to her stepmother, she says, "Look, " she says, "for God's sake," she says, "leave me alone." So the girl sets away. Her father droves her out. She'd nowhere to go. She wis jist left alone. So she says to herself, she says, "A must go away."
So she married this great fellow, an he was called up to the army. An when he was called up to the army she was left in childbirth. So she wisn't able, an nowhere to stay. She'd nowhere to stay at all. So she was jist on her own. So her bairn was born, a young son.
So her father cam up to her.
She says, "Look," she says, "you drove me out," she says, "father," she says, "an," she says, "look," she says, "ye understand whit I mean," she says, "A widna like ye for to . . . for tae come on the same grounds as where I'm walkin."
He says, "Look," he says, "daughter Doris," he says, "d'ye see that sword?" he says.
"Yes," she says, "father."
"Well," he says, "A'm cuttin off yir arm." So he takes this sword an he cuts off her arm. "Is that sore," he says, "daughter Doris ?"
"Oh yes, father," she says, "very." She says, "What aboot ma wee child," she says, "father?"
"Never mind about it, daughter Doris," he says. So he takes his sword again an takes the other arm off her. Cuts her other arm off. He says, "Is that sore, daughter Doris?"
"Oh yes," she says, "father, very sore."
He says, "Look," he says, "when ye're walkin on the road," he says, "wi your child in yir arms -"
"How can A walk," she says, "father," she says, "when A've no arms to carry ma child," she says, "an A'm blidding to death?"
He says, "Look," he says, "d'ye see that sword, daughter Doris?" he says," 'at cut off yir two arms?" And he says, "D'ye see that sword? A'm cuttin off two legs," he says. So he cuts off her right leg. He says, "Is that sore," he says, "daughter Doris?"
"Oh," she says, "father, very sore. Father, very," she says.
He says, "No better," he says, "than what ye've done tae my milk pitcher." He says, "D'ye see that sword, daughter Doris?" he says, "that cut off yir two arms an yir right leg?" he says. "Well it's cuttin off yir left."
She says, "How am A gonnae carry ma baby," she says, "father," she says, "when A've no legs," she says, "an ma two arms is a-wantin?" She says, "Look," she says, "father," she says, "I would like if you'd leave," she says, "even ma one leg," she says, "an let God," she says, "b'lieve in ma side." She says, "Look," she says, "for God's sake," she says, "will ye do that for me?"
"No," he says, "you broke ma milk pitcher," he says, "an," he says, "ye're gaun tae suffer." Very good. So he takes the sword again. He says, "Well, this is the last one," he says, "an then the last, sweep," he says, "Am gaun to give ye, " he says, "is yir left leg away. An," he says, "A'll leave nothing," he says, "but the trunk of the body." So he takes this sword an he sweeps the leg off her, the left leg. "Is that sore, daughter Doris?"
"Oh father," she says, "very."
"It's no sorer," he says, "since the . . . day ye broke ma milk pitcher. But," he says, "yir child," he says, "is a wee son."
"Yes," she says, "father, he's a wee son. An," she says, "he's gonna be a great hero," she says. She says, "A'm lyin here dyin. A'm bleeding to death," she says, "an," she says, "this day," she says, "'bove any other day," she says, "A'm not able to carry ma child," she says, "A'm not able," she says, "for to give it a drink."
"Well," he says, "look," he says, "A'm takin the sword," he says, "an A'm cuttin off yir breasts," he says, "so yir child'll die."
She says, "Fir God's sake," she says, "father, don't dae that," she says. "A lost ma baby," she says, "an A'm dyin," she says, "A'm bloodin tae death."
He says, "Look," he says, "there's the sword," he says, "an A'm cuttin off yir breasts." So he takes the sword an he cuts off her two breasts. That was her two legs, her two arms an her two breasts. He says, "Daughter Doris, " he says, "is that sore?"
"Oh yes," she says, "father, very sore."
"It's no sorer tae you," he says, "than the day you broke ma milk pitcher. Well," he says, "A must get on ma horse's back."
"Well," she says, "my young son," she says,"’ll be a hero some day," she says, "an anither thing. Before ye go on yir horse's back A hope to God there a thorn, a black thorn," she says, "’ll go in your foot," she says, "and there's no anither doctor," she says, "or professors in the country ‘ll ever take that out except ma son." An she says, "Cheerio."
So she's tryin to cairry her wee baby in her teeth, tryin tae cairry it. An she got up tae an orchard wi't rollin on her side an pullin it, in God's torture. So she lands at this orchard an she's takin a bite o aipple an she's tryin tae chew it an put it in the wee baby's mouth an she's bloodin tae death, jist the last gasp, when this old man wi a white baird comes up.
He says, "Look," he says, "daughter Doris," he says, "lift yir child!"
"Oh," she says, "A can't lift ma child," she says, "A've no arms."
"Try't," he says. "Have a go at it. Jist try it!"
She says, "How can A?"
He says, "Try." She [sic] says, "Jist - There's yir baby lyin there," he says, "jist lift it up."
So she tries, an her two arms come back the same way.
"Try," he says, "an walk."
"How can I walk," she says, "when A've no legs to walk on?"
"Try't," he says.
So she tries tae walk: she's walkin up an then she's got her wee baby in his [sic] airms, she's gaun up and down wi't.
He says, "Give your baby a feed."
"How can I? Ma breasts wis cut away," he [sic] says. She says, "Look, how can A do it? "
"Jist have a trial," he says, "Jist have a wee trial."
So she lifts her baby up an she tries her breast, tae it come back jist the same. So she went out on to the road again and thanked the old man very much, thanked him a thousand times. An she walked on the road. An she meets this young chap, a very young, handsome young man, an she gets married to him. So they gets settled down.
Now there was a great playcard up in every shop. It's posted on every telegraph pole - maybe in these days A don't think there'd be telephones, but they'd be on trees an that: "There's a king dyin: anybody can save his soul they've aid [?] in my wealth."
So she looks at it, she says, "There's only one man," she says, "an that's ma wee baby," she says, "'ll cure that."
So she gaes up tae her father in the bed. She says, "Father," she says, "d'ye remember cuttin aff my legs?"
"Daughter," he says, "I remember it," he says. "A thought ye were dead," he says. "Have ye got two wooden legs?"
"No," she says, "father." She says, "That young man is ma husbant there," she says, "an that other young man is my son. An he's only about thirteen or fourteen years of age," she says. And she says, "Look," she says, "there's only one man 'll cure that, an that is my young son. An," she says, "there's only one thing he'll take it out with an," he [sic] says, "that's the point o your sword which you cut off ma legs with."
So the young fellow staps her [?]: he says, "Look," he says, "it's ma own flesh an blood," he says, "an A'll take the sword." So he cuts the leg off an he flings it intae a bin.
So the old man is lyin in agony. "Get me a frog!" says the young hero. "I'll take a frog," he says, "an leave it in the bed," he says, "for twenty-four hours along with my grandfather," he says, "and the morn," he says, "his foot’ll come back natural."
Very good. So they went an they got a frog, an they put it in the bed. So it lickit his foot or that, anyway, I don' know how it happened. So anyway, this . . . young hero is jist waitin on the word to see if he'd die or live. So the king looks, the auld king himself. He says, "Look," he says, "you've saved my life," he says, "an A'll take your place," he says, "an you take mine."
So A don't know very much more about it.
.. ..
..>v<
martes, noviembre 25, 2003
-->> 
'Brum' ..is the hero car from UK..
..he is a f7ck of alot cooler than Herbie.. he comes from the same people that made the terrifing Teletubbie.. but still he's damm cool.. he always leaves his owner's garage and takes off for the day to have adventures in the big city..and he always helps people out.. like today some bald globber stole a lady's balloons.. and so.. BRUM chased the bloke all over the place while the guy had this HUUGE thing of balloons..it's a funny and cute little show on 'TLC' ..so i dunno..they make DVDs i..i'm gonna go look for them when i get $$..
.. off to DOCS laterfor me.. but my mawm broke her foot.. she works so hard.. and she is as looney as me.. but she is also work-aholic.. yeh she is one of the top-nurses in the city.. but dammit ,mawm.. i wish i could tell her about what happened this year.. and how i feel for Miguel.
Unfortunate..she is prolly the last person i need to be telling right now.
.. i wonder what Miguel is dreaming.. .. ??
..BRUM ,BRRRUUMM.. 8)
..>v<
lunes, noviembre 24, 2003
-->> 
..on your gaurd,tOkKa.. evil is coming.. gREAT EV1L..
TODAY..now.. ready or not.. stead fast,tOkKA!!
EVIL IS COMING .. NOW..to COLORADO SPRINGS.. EVILEVILEVIL!!
..be wary.. hold your gaurd..this man can stab you with his presence and set up false security and ZERO remorse for his lies and the people he hurts..
.. be ready for anything,tOkKA!!
..he is coming to Fort Carson!!..that's right by you,tOkK!!
..the evil President Bush is coming to Colorado Springs today!!
.. he's gonna be on base.. there will be planes.. maybe he'll be dumm enuff' to walk right into one..
..>v<
domingo, noviembre 23, 2003
-->>
..me am consumate,manic,fairly un-holistic.. my aproaches can be so illogical,irrational,dark..i am not a very happy person sometimes.. me will put on a million masks to hide pain..so well imbedded into my phyche..just short of actually loosing my mind or a frontal-lobatomy would it all just 'go-away' ..
..the drooled out thoughts eminating from my cavity up there are so many and too many.. i try to make note of it all and take notes about it all so i won't forget.. but they often spill ahead like a mad flood. This flood of 'over-ideas', overwhelming circumstances, chaos, and even the fact that there are so many ideas that i prolly can bairly make the time to complete 1/2 of them in a week.. the flood of it all.. a tidal wave.. just washes you away.. you get smashed with it and it takes you and the one you love along with you.
I guess that happened this year.. the flood gates opened.. not just a flooded street but the f8ckin' Hoover Damm.. and well soon after ..his flood gate opened and we got swept in away.. with everyting..
..when the floodwters cleared.. we're there.. all the water cleared.. but two very mangled bodies as to what the f8ck just happened..
..healing ..i guess..
..it takes it's time..
..it takes it's toll.. cuz you just want it all to be better..NOW NOW NOW!!
..it doesn't work like that.. you need to allow it to heal.. 'HEAL' needs to heal.. in it's own realm..it's own time.. perhaps.. within' that healing..you get stronger..
and the next time the flood gates.. open.. your better prepared..and you brace yourself.. take the appropriate measures.. and come hell or hi-water.. you can take it.. you know now.. you know what to expect.. for the most part.
..You have learned..you have healed.. you have grown.. and perhaps your footing is alot stronger.
I don't totally know what i wanted or know what i was trying to understand.. at least i was able to come to better terms this year about what once was a rotten part of me spoiled at a fairly young age by some very bad fat kid.
Perhaps i help put out a fire for the one i love ..a pretty big one he had kept well hidden for the most part to some of the most important people in his life..
..
..i hope somehow i am fighting and helping him continue his fight.. i ain't dead yet.. and according to him..he won't be ok if i just up and died.. whatever the case.. schizophrenic or not..manic or not..tigers or not..
..i'm in his corner.. thru' and thru'.. pluggin' along and fighting.. it's an odd crack team.. but i don't give up without a fight..if not at my own hands,someone else's hands or the hands of fate..
.. big words for such a crazy person.. but to anyone who douts me.. fine..
..but if you f8ck with the one's i love.. and the one i'm pretty damm committed to in someway or the other at this point-- --..
..i'm just itchin' for a fight.. so ..gimmee a call.. and let's go..
..>v<