{ the dead archival }
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
sábado, diciembre 06, 2003
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..i'm very manic.. but i hope i've got better control of all the havoc of today.. i've been pimpin' on my web sites stuff for school ..non-stop..painting.. and finishing illustrations and Mike's present..i took 7 tests for making up my mathmatics grade on Friday.. that took over 2 hours and my job appointments were sans the people i was supposed to meet with. So that waits til' monday.. my brain is over-cooked.. but i gotta keep working.
Mawm and Pop want me over later today to work for them..
.. fear is in the air.. and it wasn't even worth going out for a couple hours with cousin to the shoppes on Sat.-night cuz everyone was so mean.. i hit up K-mart,the ARC Thrift,Green Backs, and King Soopers.. ..there was no way in f8ck.. in the earlier part of the evening.. when everyone is rushing and trying to tromple over you in the stores and on the streets..i'd hit ass Wal-mart at that time.. maybe now at near 3 A.M. ..but not earlier unless it's dire for me to.
..i've been so obsessed..overindulgant (sp??),overbearing,fearful,manic,and everything that turns most people off. Generally i f7cking hate every aspect of me.. and i'd soon love to be dead. Mike shows me the differnt ways to go about this life. i dunno. i guess i'm the cumpulsive and tired,reitterated leader of the 'Mikey fan-club' .. but.. as we try to work to answers and goals.. love twists and turns..like a Rubiks Cube. Love sucks.
I spend so much money on phone cars.. i'm afraid if i get on a monthy long-distance plan..i won't be able to pay it. so i guess this is how it is for now.
Mike's been real tired and working so hard.. i just want to hold him..and cry,yo. it sucks..and pulls on my idiot heart when he just is pumpin' along with all the stress of work and life.
But in a day of chaos.. it's just ..nice..just to hear his voice..it comforts me to a distant degree. It's all we got right now.. but it's nice.
..i'm sick of missing him.. .. plug along..plug along..
..>v<
jueves, diciembre 04, 2003
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..>v<
miércoles, diciembre 03, 2003
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..can't sleep.. been painting and workin' on net graphX and customising more of my toys..i see tigers and smell alot of fumes from fixative for the paints..
.. i'll use those toys as examples during the final crit- in Mr.Olsen's class..scince i'm workin' pretty hard on them.. one of them is a suprise for Miguel for X-mas.. he'knows i'm making it.. but he doesn't know what it is..so i won't say..
..it took an intern and a whole lot of pleading my case.. but doctor let me take Provigil for a 10 day trial as long as i stay on the schizophrenic med..
.. ..i will have to take the provigil very soon here!! ..wish me luck..
..>v<
martes, diciembre 02, 2003
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..i see Doc at 3 p.m. ..
..i've been off and on Geodon ..the schizophrenia med for 2 years.. i'm sure it works great for people, but for me it's like a drowsy sugar pill..it's effects are minimal and sometimes i think it's 'working' other times..i'm not sure.. other times..i think it's f8cking with me.. anti-psychotic meds may be the answer for other people.. but i'm sick of the med game.. i've been doing this over a decade and a 1/2.. enuff is enuff..
..i know my Doctor is gonna fight me on this.. they all want me doped and drugged and sedated.. but i'm gonna really push 'Provigil' ..it's Narcolepsy med. I've not been diagnosed Narco- i hope they will let me take it this time.. it is a reverse sleeping pill.. it will wake you up in the day ..allowing people who normally go thru' the effects of narcolepsy (falling asleep unexpectedly and suddenly in a day..ect.) to have a natural wake cycle ..so by the time the night rolls around.. and they are ready for sleep.. they do so. They go to sleep. My pattern is very f8cked up..i do have a history of blackouts and seizure stuff.. but god.. i'm desperate.. i want to be able to get up in a day and do the work i need to do.. have the energy i need .. and just be able to not start the majority of my days after 4 p.m. ..my sleep schedule has not been this bad scince i was hit by the cars 4 years ago.. where i was starting my days at 5 p.m. everyday.. i wasn't making school or keeping appointments..my therapist even dropped me as a client for awhile.. i dunno..
.. i'm gonna need some luck convincing them tha t after all this time.. 'provigil' is the med i wanna try.. Mike doens't like it when i take stimulants;but this one is safe and has a very,VERY low habit forming history..
.. god. it's gonaa be a tuff' day..
..Hey,CJJ.. i made a Shredder.. his head has a magnet in it..i can make his head get decappitated just like in the cartoon!! 8D
..>v<
lunes, diciembre 01, 2003
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..i'm a pretty big fan of the orginal b & w Mikey,Flip the Frog, and Disney's early Alice Comedies..mostly cuz Ub Iwerks..'the hand behind Mickey Mouse' (who also created the squigley and now constant and classic 'Disney' logo you see above anything with Disney characters plastered on it..Walt never actually signed his name like that..) ..
But with the Junior Roy Disney stepping down from the company..it seems kind of a damm shame.. polotics,Disney bashing,and all the crazy Disney talk aside.. Roy was kind of the last blood in the company..and it's just really sad to me. Eisner and Roy actually had to do a great deal of helping Disney Co. making it thru' a REALLY REALLY bad financial slump in the mid-1980s and it's real sad to see the 2 at odds. I've been into (for some reason ..) the history of Disney scince i was a kid.. and fell in love with the B/w cartoons when i was little..and i've studied and taken classes on 'the history of Disney' ..even Mr.Olsen.. my teacher and Mentor has worked from time to time with the company.. today is kind of a sad day..all in all.. it seems like the end of an era..
..but i'm retarded.. whaddah i know ?!! 8(
..>v<
domingo, noviembre 30, 2003
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Saturday was another manic Monday (one of which i'm having many ..lately)..where it starts about 5 p.m. or later and your morning is baisically your evening.. and.. many people live like that.. night workers at Wal-mart..Nurses,police,night security.. i'm not alone in that regard.Obvious.
I'd stayed up workin' on graphics for this damm site..i'm so slow.. but..i'm on my own alot on this. I'm helping keep Mike's web site going .. it takes a toll on me that i really am not ashamed of.. i'm working and getting alot done.. just not as fast as Mike might be able too or a more proficiant Web designer. I did call Jan in Germany ..it was a damm pleseant talk i had and gaw.. i miss Jan so much ,yo.. Jan n' me had alot of strange things happen to us the past year.. and it's been an up and down friendship.. but somehow we stuck thru' it.. Jan is one of the best friends i've had. But Jan is in Germany. Sucks.
I don't know what time i went to sleep.. but now it's Sunday.. and it still seems like Thursday..jesus !! Heads,tigers, and angel.. i've been talking to things this whole time. It's like Pee-wee's Playhouse.. now if the chair will start talking..we'll be set.
I did leave the house at 7 last night..went to pick up my damm TMNT comics and hit Hot-topic.. got a new 'NES controler' beanie to ad to my collective..went Toy hoppin' at Toys r 'us and stuff.. got Mike a new Turtle Posable Plushie.. (20 bucks.. jesus.. i guess the damm 'Black Friday' specials really are over) ..ran to ass-h0le Wal-mart.. puchy shovey mean customers in the 9 o'clock hour. Filled up my phone card i had killed on Jan's call..
..got hoem and was ready to get into the groove of workin' on stuff.. i gotta finish cleaning this place up.. so i can set up the little tree,Math homework and studies await for i can't fail that class,Wed site work for Terrible2z,Mike's Ninja Turtles stuff,..illustration and painting.. i got alot i do.. but i needed to call Mike. I called him back.. and amoung the cleaning i've been sortin' thru all my collective of TMNT comics.. i got alot of 'em.. and they meant/mean something to me.. they aren't gonna make me rich..i'm not convinced.. the Turtles don't magically come to life and gang rape me. This stuff has been a pretty integral part of what makes me 'me'..whatever the f6ck i am.
I don't even know why i'm trailing off here.. but well.. f7ck it.
The explanation of why TMNT's are important has been muddled over by me a bajillion times over.. i'm too dizzy right now ..i can bairly type strait let alone have any energy to explain this why i like Kiddie stuffs and Ninja Turtles.
Since i was a kid tho' .. giving things to people has been a special thing for me. I've been giving gifts scince i was a kid. It's part of what i do.. and making my loved ones happy is the main reason i'm able to make it thru' the hardship of 'X-mas' ..i do it cuz i can and cuz i want to..not cuz i'm this 'oil well' of presents.. if i was a shipping service.. i'd be sending all these boxes of presents to people around the globe.. followed by my bill. It was breifly expressed to me yesterday..even if it was just a joke that .."I'm just giving it away." When that was said ..i kind of let it go.. but .. i'm not just sending this stuff..to just anyone. If i want to 'give stuff away'.. that's what the Disabled American Vetrans Thrift Store Donation is for. The things i actually try to hook people up with ..material sh6t..if i make it..or if it's a special gift that i hope they really enjoy..or if it's something i have that they'd want.. yeh.. i'm gonna do my best to make them happy. I'm not rich..in fact i'm very VERY broke. But when i want stuff to happen.. i do the best i can to make it happen.. i care about my family and friends. I want them to be happy..even if it's just a mundane peice of plastic. I'll make it happen.. i'll do the best i can to get it for them.i don't know how i do it.. but i try to make $$..look out for things i know people i love will enjoy..or make it for them.. and ..i jsut do it.. don't think about it to much. Dammit i hope people don't just think i'm like Santa.. and just got the 'bottomless bag' pulling out Baby dolls and Toy Horses.. i dunno.. i'm fried of thinkin' about that right now.
There is too much happening and i'm overwhelmed as f7ck.. but as far as what i want// ..i'm still gonna do the best to make that happen. I want to be with Mike. As slow as i am.. i'm gonna do the best i can to make that happen.
.. now i think i need to go hug a certain plush Ewok..
..>v<