{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
viernes, diciembre 12, 2003
-->> 
P00p and Pee..
..i'm greatful i have this blog.. i don't give a sh7t really what it's for sometimes.. it's coping mechanism.. and sometimes it's all i have. Mike misunderstood what i typed on here and it just.. oiiiii. I explained that given the nature of that night.. where the f7ck i was.. and how i was feeling..while i meant the words that i typed.. i was also fighting to stay alive. This post is not directed tword Mike at all.. in fact it's directed to really noone..i'm just typing it.. it means something ..but i don't totally know what. I didn't invent this whole blog thing.. but i like them. ..i have one.. this is mine.. i rarely tell you how my day went at the office and about how Shirley's hair was all dangling in her latte while she was drinking it. In Fact ..many MANY MOST of the blogs i read are from caring people.. that actually have very intresting things to type. .. so.. hell ..if your reading this and don't want to.. then i don't know why you still are..
Yeh, when i trip out.. and get dark.. i wanna die.. ya know.. you're not there.. you're not.. i'm not worried about you. I wanna die.. give me a soap box enuff' frustration.. and a microphone.. i shall talk down a bunch of anti-Jack Kovorchian types..and prolly get my ass impaled in the process.
I AM TRYING TO NOT WANT TO DIE..SCINCE I WAS YOUNG.. IT HAS BEEN A WAY OF LIFE DIE. I'M SORRY.. MOST PEOPLE IN THE MEDIA WANT YOU TO THINK THAT THERE IS HOPE.. BUT IF DR. Phil WANTS TO COME LIVE IN THESE SHOES OR SOME OF THE MANY OTHER "MENTALLY ILL" PEOPLE I KNOW..THAT'S FINE.. I GAURANTEE AFTER HIS TIME IN THOSE SHOES..THE GOOD DOCTOR WOULD PROLLY CONSIDER HIMSELF FAIRLY FORTUNATE.. AND MAYBE WOULD CONSIDER A NOOSE AROUND HIS THROAT. DOCTORS DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING. I DON't KNOW EVERYTHING (..you like this?? ..you know..this 'all caps' thing.. i mean..people have such a hard time understanding me ya know..).. MORE THAN ENUFF TIMES I HAD SEEN THE LOGISTICS OF ME BEEING DEAD.. AND TO ME IT WAS FREEDOM. BUT..I'M TRYING TO PUT THAT IN NEW LIGHTS. OK ..I AM TRYING TO FIND WHAT IT IS I AM LIVING FOR. BELEIVE IT OR NOT I ACTUALLY WAS WORKING..TRYING TO GET SH6T DONE EVEN WHEN I WAS TRYING TO DIE. I KNOW BEAUTY.. I KNOW WHAT'S BEAUTIFUL. IT DRIVES MIKE CRAZY..HE GET'S TIRED OF IT. SO AM I. BUT LIKE I TOLD HIM TONIGHT. SOMETIMES I'VE HAD TO LOOK FOR THE BEAUTY IN THINGS..AND SOMETIMES WHEN YOU FIND IT YOU TAKE CARE OF THOSE BEAUTIFUL THINGS. IF THEY BREAK.. THEN YOU TEND TO THEM..TRY YOUR BEST TO NUTURE IT AND LET IT HEAL. I DON'T KNOW.. I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS THE RIGHT PATH TO GO.. MAYBE MIKE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE HE STANDS. HE IS SICK OF READING AND HEARING ABOUT IT AND I'M SICK OF TYPING IT.
HE'S BEAUTIFUL.. SO THE F8CK IS THE BIG DEAL??
.. the big deal is that.. there really is no big deal. He is part of my life,my family.. sometimes he means the world.. and sometimes i'd love to kick his narrow minded ass.
..i'm giving him space.. more than enuff.. perhaps.. i'm giving myself some space.
I'm not to proud of the fact that he's on my brain 24-7.. and i'm a little sick of missing him.
But what?? I can't talk to anybody about it in person..only tigers. I can't die cuz it would hurt Mike and i'm trying to see his perspective on that why it is bad. I can't burn or cut myself. ..what can i do??
.. work .. work with him.. have him work with me.
..love is what it is.. and you love your boyfriends and your mother,and your girlfriends and your dogs.. and your sister and you father.. what do you do??
.. i'm not known for my clarity.. i'm not know for my elequance.
..but Mike helps me..to live..to survive. It's more than sex.. it's .. life. It's clarity.. he brings me that clarity i've prolly needed all my life but just didn't get cuz it wasn't there for me in the first place.
.. i don't know what else to say about it. And Mike already knows this.. and i highly dout he is reading this post.
God.. i'm not to happy with the fact that i have to sh7t.. it's annoying.. it's gross.. i hate sticking my fingers up my bung hole to wipe myself 'clean'..when really i'm still dirty .. i hate it when i wash my hands with soap..i smell them and my hands don't smell clean enough and smell like shit and flowers.. just gaahh.. the fact that my body produces such a waste product..feces.. eeww shees.. it's facinating.. i don't mind eating cereal.. but i hate the fact that i have to sh6t. My mawm hates to sh7t.. so many times my maw had to rush off to work.. poor lady.. she can't help she's a woman.. women sh6t more than guys. Women actually have to sit and sh9t more than guys.. guys have it lucky.. if we gotta piss.. we get to stand up and do it and get it over with and walk out of the wash room without washing our hands. If a lady does that..well.. My maw was so nervous and upset.. she was going to be late to work.. she'd often say// "GAH.. i hate you poop .. hate you pee.. i hate you.. i hate you.." .. she hated the fact that she had to go to the bathroom ..it was inconvienent (sp)..and she got so frazzled and frustrated to deal with just an everyday process.. she yelled at her Poop.
Her poop must have alot of issues and maybe is seeing a therapist.
Well .. you gotta eat.. you gotta drink.. you gotta pee and you gotta sh6t..
..my maw always said too::
.."Opinions are like ass holes.. everybody has 'em."
.. you gotta have some form of a hole in you ..even if it's thru a tube.. so you can sh6t.. cuz if your sh6t stays in you.. you will get sick and you will die.
Maybe i am an ass hole.. i have an ass hole// i don't sh6t 24-7.. maybe 2-3 times a day.. maybe more if i'm not feeling good.. but a 'Bowel Movement' is not a way of life.. and when it becomes one let me know.. i'll join in.. especially if there is money invoved.. if bowels get at least $$16 an hour..or so as i'm told from my pals on the Stock Brokers' web ring.. i'd love to get compensation for just sitting and pooping.. that's alot of magazine reading time i can get in there too.. w0w!!
..whatever compasity it is.. i have Mike.. maybe i have him and i don't really need him within a particular moment.. but i have him. Mike has me.. maybe i'm an ass hole.. maybe he doesn't need me right then and there.. so.. i'm there.. when life gives him the runs.. i'm there when he needs to sh6t.. then he can wipe me and go on from there.. and i'll be like that sometimes.
..I went into this with few answers .. Mike did too..we both kind of created this.. .. but he is my best friend.. he's real special cuz something really great happened and well.. it is what it is now.. and maybe it's getting stronger i don't know..we both have extremities in our lives we try to handle accordingly.
..but he is here.. right here.. in my heart.. f9cking lame as it sounds.. he's still here.. and he knows that i'm there.
We kind of form some f7ckin' symbiote..it ain't always right.. and it definatly isn't f8cking easy.
.. but it IS ..Maybe this is a little tword Mike..but i don't mean it as an insult.
..i don't always see the light.. but if there is something better.. then i am here.. when he needs me. We do our best to work things out like we always have. And yeh.. i need him in my life. Love him or not.. he's a very important part of what makes me ME.
.. and i can tell you.. that after he leaves the bathroom..it smells so goddam awful you'd be knocked unconsious and declared legally dead in 35 of the lower 48 United States, North Eastern Canada,Spain,3 provinces in Italy and Guam.
.. >v<
-->> .. so much happened this week.. it's like well..
"F8ck it.. i'm still working.. i'm slower than everyone.. but if i gotta live.. then those are the cards on the table.. let's se what we got and go from there."
..Miguel is a dammimportant part of my life.. we handle things so differantly.. and maybe i'm more manic about it.. i sent an email to kemmy explaining things and 1/2 way before i was about to just delete it.. it sent the explanation anyway..
..f7ck it.. just f7ck it.
// What's happened this year has laid the ground work for whatever the hell is going on today.
..i cannot justfiy it sometimes.. and sometimes i can ..
..i've had to be very disaplined lately.. and yeh.. in my own defence i've givien Mike more than enuff space to breath. In fact times i've so despratly needed to talk to him.. i had back off even more and give him more space.
.. he is a part of my life.. sh6t .. i'm a part of his.
.. the prior posts wasn't to make him feel like a needy baby..in fact it was me more trying to boost his confidence.. but so be it.. i gotta go.
..>v<
--->>
..sh6t..i'm a god damm nervous wreck.. can't stop shaking.. i lost all my files on hard drive and the ftp program is going so slow..(i'm tryin' to reverse-ftp off the server..if that makes sence..)..
..can't really think.. gonna try to crash.. gott a million tests..finals, job ??'s, and sh6t.. i feel a bit better than other day.. but i'm worried about everybody and JAN,Kenny,Sango and DAVE.. and i'm always worried about Miguel.. maybe i should take up smokin' again.. i'm a jitter mess as it is.. sh6t.. and we all know the risks.. soo..ehh..
..maybe not.. they don't make strawberry potpourii sented cigarrettes anyway..
..>v<
miércoles, diciembre 10, 2003
-->> 
..wtf were you thinkin' ,Miguel??
.. that i'm some f8ckin' retard.. ..ok.. schizophrenic ain't retarded..
.. what?? You think i'm just gonna keel over.. just like that.. after all that happened.. ..i just ..go.. die ?? .. i'm all about of respect to your mom.. but she's got a son that can act like a b8tch.
..sh7t..sometimes you weren't just ridin' the damm rollercoaster..you were helpin' push it.
.. You think i won't compromise ?? .. you think i won't do my best.. to see your light ?? What?? .. noone understands me.. noone.. noone reads me.
.. noone knows
this dark sh6t.. noone.. just you. ..noone like you.
..Why do you think..in this very f8cking moment .. i so want to die.. ..poison.. anything..so bad.. right now?? what?? ..i could feel.. anything.. i'd be in some releive just to take that f8ckin' soldering iron to my back again.. no..i won't tho' ..i won't .. .. you keep me strong.. i see me ..i son't know what i see..anymore.. i don't even care if i am retarded or 7 years old or a tiger..
.. i've never been more proud of you .. i've never been more..ashamed of myself for not seein' the way you cared.. and i just tossed it to the side.. i beat myself up still.. i was a f7cking ass..
.. sh6t.. you my best friend.. i don't care what anything is now.. i just ..i love you.. goddammit..
.. at this moment.. i type this sh7t.. my veigns are poppin'.. i am in tears.. the day sucked sh7t,man. I spent 15 $$ for the retarded cab.. jus to get to my work appointment ..and to be told .. 'There's nothing' .
..I took 6 more of those math tests.. f9ckin' hard.. i think now ..it's safe to say.. i love #s.. but i hate math.. i kept konking out during the tests.. god as my witness..i will slash my wrists 10 times over in front of the dean if i HAVE to take another math class.. Mr.Olsen and Pete my teachers.. saw nothing.. nothing.. i didn't put sh9t up on the crit rail.. noone saw anything,man.. IT A F7ckin' art class.. !@! I 've had 50 projects going on for both classes.. the illustration class and the Flash class.. none of those projects were completed.. i wanted at least f8ckin' 60% of the website done..
that's what the teacher's look at.. that's where all my work used to go.. and i got graded on it.. .. -- nothing.
..it's not your fault,f7cker.. it's mine.. i did it.. i multitasked so hard.. i did 50 million things at once.. it's all me ,man.. all semster i f9ckin' hate myself so bad now..
.. you think i'm gonna stop fighting it ..that 'hate' ??
.. no..i know 'YOU KNOW'// ..my best friend knows..
..i don't need to reitterate AGAIN.. this horse has been dead and raped 50 milion times over.. beating it again is pointless.
.. at least your family knows.. at least they know..the people that count most to you. They know about you.. they know your gay.
.. Joyce,Mr.Olsen,Joe,Cousin.. that's it.. and most of the time.. when it really matters.. when i need them most.. ..they are busy.. .. gone..
.. i come to this basement.. it's me and the tigers. Noone else..
.. and you.. it always just so f7ckin' bothered you..apperantly.. ..someone in your corner.. even when we fought..i still backed you up..saw your side.. ..still i see your side.. still i am in your corner.. your the best i got,idiot.. you think i'm gonna loose all that now.. i don't give a f8ck.. i don't know who i am now.. what i am.. i question all reality now.. all that was real to this sick little boy ..is you. Sure there's other things.. duh.
.. i miss you like .. and if i don't stay.. if i die now.. i'll never know.. i'll never know if i'll get to see you again.
// .. there's more people out there who give a sh6t about you than YOU realise.. my god i hope i'm leading the pack.
//You wonderful,beautiful angel.. i'm, fried..
.. i am sad.. i am pissed.. and i'm sick of me.
..all i wanted was to be.. just to 'be'.. and to be with you.
.. that's all.. jesus.. what the f7ck.. i not once tried to change you.. i did my best.. and still do my best to make it better..you know i would compromise it all.. just so things were comfortable.. it doesn't matter..if i kept running away..(you told me to stop running away from, you)..if kept running away..i'd never 'be'..
..my best friend.. i wish i was warm again.
..it's cold ,Miguel.. it's cold.. i want to die// ..i already feel dead.
.. but i also feel you// .. I Do!!.. everyday.. it pushes me to the limits i was not ever expecting to go.
.. i told you once..i told you a million times ..stop undersetimating me.
..FIND STRENGTH IN ME!! .. obviously.. i'm not the only one with alot of issues. You ain't my 'CRUTCH' 24-7.. alot of times i've been yours.
..you deserve it.
..you do. Shut up.. YOU DO!!
God..i'm always..ALWAYS f8ckin' honoured to hear your voice..even if i use 4o minutes of a phone card just to hear you breath while your working.. i do the same.. sometimes.. we just call and don't say anything..
..o' and your not fat.. so shut-up.. i'm not in the best of shape either..lookit me..i goota put 'ScarZone' on the scars of wounds i guess i shouldn't have inflicted on myself in the first place.. your f8cking georgeous..
.. i'l do the best i can..to find you again.. i am bleeding.. but i didn't cut myself,Miguel.. i didn't ,an.. it's inside.. it's inside//
// and it's not your fault.. .. it's not your fault i love you.. it's nothing i'm afraid of anymore.. i don't care who finds out.. f6ckit.. .. f7ckit..
.. i got nothin' here.. all the people i love will move away.. Colorado Springs will drown in it's own greed.. it's not home.. it was where i was born.. but it's not home anymore.. death was my home.. not this.. it hasn't been for a very VERY long time.. i don't belong here.. maybe i don't belong anywhere..
.. maybe noone will ever understand me.. maybe not.. maybe i'm destined work at 7-11.. i don't care..
.. i do my best.. i'm not as fast as you at web site work.. i try.. but i'm not the best. ..i'm so slow.. obvious..
.. my 'art' sucks sh6t.. yeh..i'll be a good desiner when i'm the only one doing fine art in a 'multi-media/graphic design program'..
..i'll still do my best to pimp it.. maybe i'll always be insecure.. maybe i'll always be 7.. but at least .. i still got that connection.. that connects us.. sh6t.. some days i just want to paly Ninja Turtles w/ you.
..i still talk to you..i still kiss your picture and you already know this..
..please..don't give up..not on you..not on me.. please. not on us.. PLEASE!!
..i'm sorry i'm sick.. but please.. find strength in me..
..i find it in you.. i'm finding it in me..please.. find it..
.. i'm trying to stay..i'm trying ,Miguel.. i am.
..god i hate 'Escape Club' ..::
-I'll Be There-
The Escape Club
over Mountains
over Trees
over Oceans
over Seas
across the desert
I'll be there
in a whisper on the wind
on the smile of a new friend
just think of me
And I'll be there
Don't be afraid, oh my love
I'll be watching you from above
And I'd give all the world tonight,
to be with you
Because I'm on your side,
And I still care
I may have died,
but I've gone nowhere
Just think of me,
And I'll be there
On the edge of a waking dream
over Rivers
over Streams
through Wind and Rain
I'll be there
Across the wide and open sky
thousands of miles I'd fly
to be with you
I'll be there
Don't be afraid, oh my love
I'll be watching you from above
And I'd give all the world tonight,
to be with you
Because I'm on your side,
And I still care
I may have died,
but I've gone nowhere
Just think of me,
And I'll be there
In the breath of a wind that sighs
oh, there's no need to cry
Just think of me,
And I'll be there
..>v<
-->>i can't think of anything
..>v<
lunes, diciembre 08, 2003
-->> 
..the maddness that is love.. and my twisted instability..
..f7ckin' making me break..time after time..
..they all f7cking avoid me .. cuz they think i'm on drugs..
..f8ck.. they all think i'm f7ckin' obsessed and insane.. i've been gettin' it scince i was little,f8ckers.. keep it up !! ..tell me something new i haven't heard!!
..maybe i am in madd love.. at least i know what's true ,f7ckers.. at least i know what's pure and whjat's more than a fling,a rape and fit.. and something you just toss in the trash the next morning!!
.. i'm so dead fed-up on the stereo types and branding garnished up by wordly endeavors and hartless souls devouring every last shred of humainty..
..like our so called 'commander-in-cheif '..
..they all called me 'fag' before.. so what if i liked girls and guys.. it was nothing of shame..
.. f7ckit..i can't give up..i just can't.. i'm in mad love.. it drives me everyday..
..drives me madd,to create,to live..
.. i want to be with Miguel so bad,yo.. f7ck..
..i want to make him so proud of me and for him to be so happy..
.. i can't give up.. i can't let the heartless devour me.. cuz if the do..
..they'll go after him..once i'm gone.. he'll hurt..
.. i gotta fight.. even if i bleed from it.. i gotta fight..
..i miss him..he's worth more than anything..
..and he deserves so much.. i goota keep trying.. even tho' it hurts...
.. ah f8ck man..i'd do anything to see him again.. ..
.. even try until it hurts..
.. he's more than worth it.. ..>v<
-->>
.. brain is flying..need headache medicine.. .. ..
..8 more tests to add to the 9 math tests i completed last week.. i don't have the weh site finished to show teachers.. and i don't know what will happen on the final crit..
.. i'm not ready.. . .. .. want non-exsistance so bad..
//.. anxiety.. god i need to feel.. . .. seems like Mike is pissed at me.. but.. well i get on his nerves. Maybe he's just to busy to think..i need to realise that..
He thinks he's fat .. but i guess his self-concious is takin' over.. i don't know..
.. i so want to be dead yo.. god.. i'd be so good.. now.. RIGHT NOW..
.. sh8t.. i don't know what to do.. at least i need to feel.. but if i do.. Mike will hate me.. i don't know what to do.
..>v<