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viernes, diciembre 19, 2003 -->> ..l8r.. ..this is the type of day i wish i had more of.. flying around here at the damm lab.. actually getting sh6t done.. and noone f8ckin' with me.. just a manic ,nervous energy that i strugle with all the time.. sometimes i'm just not in sync with anything.. but now.. at this moment.. i am a hedgehog.. and i'm a little paranoid and in mania.. but it's a good feeling.. and .. damm why can't i be like this all the time. I was late ..but my pop brought me here.. and things ..for some reason feel .. zippy and great.. (maybe cuz i had a real nice dream about Mike before i got here.. or maybe i'm just retarded.. whatever.. i'm a hedgehog..!! They call me Sonic cuz I am faster than sound I keep on jumping around Blue Hedgehog Sonic with incredible speed I'm moving my feet They call me Sonic cuz I am faster than sound I keep on jumping around Blue Hedgehog Sonic with incredible speed I'm moving my feet They call me Sonic cuz I am faster than sound I keep on jumping around Blue Hedgehog Sonic with incredible speed I'm moving my feet They call me Sonic... Blue Hedgehog Sonic.. ...>v< ..EARLIER> > *** ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   jueves, diciembre 18, 2003 -->> .. a little good news.. Wensday i got a little bit of the edge off me with all these math tests i've had to take (i've had to take just about every single math quiz and test over..cuz most i've failed.. it's been an opportunity to save my grade.. and my wholw G.P.A.) ..not only did i pass the test i took on Tuesday with a 'C' ..if i pass the final.. with at least a 72..i'll get a 'C' (it's not the best grade..but it's better than the passing 'D' and a f9ck of alot better than a 'lower than "F" ' grade).. and i'll pass the class with a 'C'.. if i score higher..i may get a 'B'..but that's slim. I also signed a paper just in time to get me an 'I' which is an extension grade..i get the 'I' for incomplete ..cuz i finished more than 70% of the semester and i'll be able to take the finals in 'Chunks' ..i can take part of it today.. part on Friday.. and anytime i can finish it off between Monday and Wensday of next week. I'll prolly be at school thru X-mas eve.. but i don't care.. i need to pass this class. Yesterday i've just been so fried and not feeling.. but i felt a bit better later on ..i've been setting up my tree and i even made a new ninja Turtle tree topper. The Tree looks like something you'd see in someone's front yard in a trailer park.. but i guess that's the point. I used my Kmart Shopping cart to it's full potential.. real ghetto X-mas. I'm doing the best i can.. as soon as i said the 'suicide' word yesterday..everyone has been freaking out that i will do 'something' .. just cuz i get that feeling ..doesn't mean i won't try to fight it. I do remember sitting for 20 minutes to watch 'FX' .."Married With children" reruns were on. When i was a kid.. i don't remeber why we watched it.. but we did. That's one show i could watch reruns over and over and not get sick of them.. it's just got this weird appeal.. no wonder it lasted 10 years or so. I always did have a big crush on Christina Applegate. I dunno.. she's always been a real smart actress.. and just a knockout.. her character in 'Jessie' was so cool and i dunno.. she's jsut the best... she reminds me of my sister Sara. Sara is real pretty too..and very smart. I dunno. I know i'm just so into Mike now.. and even a bumpy bus ride turns me on.. but at one point during the show..Al was having one of his famous dreams.. where he isn't married to Peggy.. he was in bed with another woman..in a slinky,lacey thing.. and Al's 'wife' comes in in a slinky,lacey thing..they both had real pronounced boobies and they start tussling and wrestling and jiggling at Al's request over him. It wasn't overtly wrestling..but they were shaking and jossling around.. and i guess i was really into the show cuz i got a stiffy off it. I didn't mean too.. but Ed O'neil really had the funnest dreams.. and oiii.. 'Married..' is just so cool.. i better get those DVDs at some point.. and maybe if i'm lucky.. ..maybe.. just maybe i can get Mikey in one of those slinky,lacey things.. >8]+] ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   martes, diciembre 16, 2003 -->> .. finals caught up to me.. there is a good chance i will fail this whole semester. .. i've had to make special arrangements to make up all of my prior math tests from this semester.. all of them ..or at least 95% of them i had failed.. i used to not hate #s.. i just was not good at math.. i didn't really hate math either. Now i do.. .. this morning i woke to a phone call from the handicap center at the school as a wake up call.. i forced myself up .. a little dark. .. it all kind of spiraled from there. Mawm was sent away in an ambulance.. she had what she thought was a heart attack.. it was actually an anxiety attack of some sort. She was ok after awhile.. she has added a medicine to her cachet.. she is on the same thing i was on a few years ago -ativan. ..after the fake as hell bus ride and just not feeling real in general..i got to the school & i started back on the tests.. i got thru' 2 pages.. i was so confused..i actually started doing them backwards.. the math problems.. i figured the hardest problems would be tword the end of the test page.. to whatever avail. I kept blacking out.. i was also getting real cold .. thoughts race.. reality set in.. i got there about noon and had a doc appointment at 3:30.. i'd already was still trying to make it thru the first test.. i'd one more after that one.. the final 'FINAL' .. the BIG TEST.. by the time 2:30 hit.. i couldn't take it.. i tryed to hang in there.. but i kept blacking out. ..i quit. around 3:20 or so..i called my pop.. seeing if he could take me to the Doctor.. i was going to be late.. but i needed to see the doc so i took the chance at being late but seeing him for a short period. It's better than nothing. I was fairly ark.. and suicidal at the time. The secratary at the handicap center started making calls.. next thing you know she's calling the doctor and and my phych .. it's all over the wire ..'DAVE's Suicidal again!!' .. jsut cuz i feel like it ..doesn't mean i'm gonna act. .. ..i saw doc.. and his pepped up 'Tony Robbins' intern.. got another fill of Provigil..(the narcoleptic med.. i can keep taking it as long as i stay on the Geodon..schizo med).. ..the doctor mentioned that i need to see the nerologist..the nero is a doctor i've needed to see for some time now.. but i've constantly had to push back the appointment cuz i've not been able to catch a ride to his office on time. ..i have been having seizures like they all suspected.. and now it's confirmed. Right now.. i'm real psuedo.. pretending to be peppy.. .. deep down at the core.. i am rot.. wheels are churning.. and i'm back to square one at some points.. it seems as if Mike was never even a factor. .. i crave death real bad. .. my mouth is watering.. and fighting it.. well.. .. i'm loosing that fight. ..if there is any chance in hell i'm gonna make it from point 'a' to point 'b' .. well .. i'm kinda looking tword 'z'. i want to die.. i need it.. i need it now. .. i've not done anything.. ..i've not poisoned myself.. i've not bled.. i've not done anything.. am i close..?? ..f7ck yeh.. and.. i'm praying for anything to drive me closer.. the hope i had earlier seems so dead right now.. and well.. .. i wanted so bad to Mike's hero. I just wanted to belong.. like i feel just talking to him. .. i can't think.. i wish i could just black out on command. This is hell.. i don't want to fight anymore,Miguel.. .. .. i can't .. feel// ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   -->> ..it took forever.. Kenny got confused looking for art work on terrible2z.. so i finally just took the whole old index down.. The temp one..will at least let people know that i'm working on it.. i hate to have an 'under sunstruction' image on there.. ever scince i first started gettin' on internet and seeing those images.. the web pages.. at least 90 % with 'under construction' on them.. didn't ever finish undergoing 'construction'..generally websites are always 'under construction' and never really stay the same so it doesn't make much sence. .. i managed actually sleep the whole day..which wasn't good.. cus now..my last chance to finish off the last 2 math finals will have to be today. I did get out and take a sh6t load of donations to the Disabled American Vet Thrisft Store ..and i was paniced cuz this old system is becoming extremly unstable. I lost all my back ups.. so i had to manually back up everything..whixh just puts me more behind. The people upstaires have been trouble makes scince day one.. i live in a basement that's in a house of 2 seperate residances.. and as the time goes by the problems have gotten worse.. if not noise issues,water /flood issues, simply not following the parking rules.. it's just a real simple idea of common courtesy that's been blown out of the water.. and now it's just a matter of people rolling out the red carpet on thier neibors. It's pathertic, prolly more common than i am aware..and it's so very ,very tired. ..the noise levels sky-rocketed.. after 10 .. and the anxiety was already hi- .. i flipped.. i called the land lord.. and as usual..i prolly just needed to her to hear me out.. but she suggests i prolly find a new place to live over the break. That's the last thing on my mind.. but i may have to if the bull sh6t here just continues down the miserable path.. long term i want to work things out with Mike and maybe i can move by him.. but this is now. so..i dunno.. i did get out for a break..went to ass Wal-mart.. picked up some cord and a few X-mas gifts and then i put up the tree..later today i will decorate it. It's set up in the K-mart Shopping cart i picked up early this year when they closed the Kmart by me (Mikey encouraged it..so.. >8] ..) ..it looks real ghetto.. but that's the point i guess.. ..i dunno.. this last part of the year ..i've learned alot.. and learned my lessons.. and want to be with Mike.. figuring things out. And even leaving him alone. Maybe it's to bad i'm still in love with him. But if it weren't for just the mere thought of him..i'd be in a lot worse spot right now. I'm not going back to the hospital. At this point..that's the last palce i need to think about. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   domingo, diciembre 14, 2003 -->> ..gee whizz.. !! ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..