!! me AM,tOkKa - - { the dead archival }

{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
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sábado, diciembre 27, 2003

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..simply trying to update my damm blogg template ..after the ftp resulted in a blog blackout friday.
Everything's backed up.. but last week when i lost all my desktop files..i had to back stuff up manually from the server. I'm on equipment that is getting older and older.. as such it's gettin' slower and slower.. if i don't get a new comp soon.. i wonder if this one's gonna break sooner simply cuz it's just gonna fizzle out.. or cuz i'm so damm frustrated i'm gonna smash the monitor in with a hammer and toss the rest out into the street..

Friday was late .. a typical atypical Friday..it's fairly peaceful in the basement cuz the peices of sh6t upstairs are gone for holiday and so..i'm pretty much left to turn the white noise from the radio down and play the T.V. without headphones.. i did get a sound /aroma therapy machine for X-mas..so maybe that will help as well.
Thursday started way late ..i missed my aunt and uncle that came down from the mountains and dropped in on my pop's house on their way to Denver..and i missed my neice as well ..but i did got to my folks at some point and had leftovers and swaped presents (Sara got me a 4-peice cereal Bowl set with Tony Tiger and pals.. it's really cool with matching spoons and i broke the bowls in as soon as i got home and ate all the cereal!! )
.. i made alot of candles. And actually everyone really is liking them. Cousin picked me up at Mawm and Pop's later and we saw 'Cheaper by the Dozen' ..it's ok.. i like Steve Martin alot so..it's pretty bearable for a family show.. if 'Hillary Duff' is in a movie..i'm pretty sure it's gonna be family related.. the Guy from 'Smallville' and Ashton from 70s Show were in it.. but .. there wasn't alot of scenes with people taking their shirts off.. and when they did ..it was only in the background so i didn't get many boners.
When Dave dropped me back off to this pit i got real sad.. REAL SAD..i so wanted to die so bad.. i called and left a message with my therapist.. but that's all i could do. It kind of f8cked with me that i didn't get to talk to Mike on the holiday. It makes me realise how obviously i still so attached to him. It sucks i can only call him at work.. where he is multi-tasking and sometiems only barely listening. It's hard.. i hope he can call me now and then.. and soon.. i'm frustrated as f7ck. But i know his money situation. He is getting a week off or so next week.. so i hope by the time he get's back ..he'll be a bit rejuvinated..if anyone deserves a break..Mike does. It's been a crazy year for him and me.. maybe i little distance from Harlingen will recharge his battery.
I'm getting so used to missing him.. at the same time i'm not. Soon it will be my turn to take a break. I'm gonna do it. I've already been talkin' to pop about it. I don't know how soon.. but it could be around Spring Break.. i can't take this distance thing anymore.. so maybe ..while i don't totally know how i'll be accepted now down there.. it may be time to survey the land and see where things could/can go.
Mike is very much lacking in answers, so am i. It's time to get some.. and the only way to find out what will happen is to head to the place where it will happen.
Mike was a little confused i guess when i came back from the mall late Friday.. i went to spend a little bit of Xmas money on myself.. i picked up my Gamera Toy,TMNT and S.Wars books, and a Guiron toy.. Guiron is from the 1969 movie 1969 Gamera tai daikaiju Giron (Gammera vs. Giron).. and he's a big kreepy lookin' alien knife monster.. he mostly looks like he attacks while craling on the ground.. and just is really kreepy looking.. i pot the Gamera Turtle Monster toy together.. and him and Guiron are fighting right now ~~!!
I called Mike and was releived to hear his voice.. but again.. when he's at work ..he can't totally be himself.. and if i call ..i better be prepared to hear co-workers talking to him and handing him stuff. Now maybe once in a while i can call him at home a little more like we used to.. and maybe he can be 'real'. Mike seemed confused why i was so suicidal..again..just cuz i am.. doesn't mean i won't fight it.
..but it's hard.. .. and well until we figure these things out..it's gona be.
I'm gonna try to work things out as much at his pace as i can.. and steps at a time.
Steps at a time.. and if i get to the top of those steps.. who knows.
I'm real dependant on him.. in the regard it gives me confidence.. a little bit anyway. I get to talk to him..even if it's jsut for a few minutes..for me.. just those few minutes mean the world of difference ..it's the voice that breaths life into me.
Mike needs to take a breather from work and Harlingen now tho' .. and i hope it will help.. ..>v<

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miércoles, diciembre 24, 2003

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martes, diciembre 23, 2003

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..come to bed with me,tOkKa.. i'll show you how to make a holiday bdsm device out of holli-berries,fresh pine cones and twigs from the back yard..and we'll top it off traditional kirdish leather restraints and a pretty red ribbon..

Martha Stewart ..you sexy b8tch..what have you done to me??
..to compensate for a general all lack of funds and just the fact that i didn't really plan the holiday out all that well this year.. i'm making candles.. the weekend was pretty busy.. and Monday i had to take the first part of my Final Math test.

Sunday tho' ..i was so dead.. i woke up way late again and pop came to take me to do laundry.. but i had to get some candle making material i ended up buying a great starter kit.. and i'm hooked.

.. my preacher friend ,Van.. his mom..; Mrs.Spratford always made candles.. i was vaugly aware of how to make 'em.. from the years of watching her.. she was looney.. she would start with a regular stick candle.. burning..all the time.. (she was home all the time so it really was ok.. i think we always put the candle out before we left the Spratfords home..the house is still standing, so.. ).. as the wax slowly melted onto the little candle dish and the candle got shorter.. a melted puddle mound of wax was all that was left.. so.. she stuck another stick candle in that mound and the process began anew.. Mrs.Spratford was goofy.. a little crazy and dingy.. but she was smart.. and prolly as close as any motherly figure i've ever had. She was a strong lady who unfortunatly died cuz of post-polio.. i miss her so much.. and cared so much for her.. well.. ..as the candles melted.. the mounds of wax piled up into mountains of wax.. it was crazy.. there soon was so much wax the little candle holder had to be replaced by this huge board Van had covered with aluminum.. and well .. this was apperantly cheaper for Mrs.Spratford to get wax.. stick candles were under 50 cents and a big block of the wax she needed was over 30 bucks i think.. this may have only saved her a few $$ but i don't know.. she was smart and this is how she liked to do it. The wax would eventually be boiled and filled into the old milk cartons the Spratfords had finished off and rinsed out..the wick was layed in there some how.. just right..i don't remember..the little candle base was stick in there and secure.. after the wax was molded.. Mrs.Spratford peeled away the carton.. the colors were like soft blues and reds and greens.. after that.. she had another batch of white wax to 'frost' the candle.. she would have the warm white wax at hand.. it was a thick and sticky enough to stick to the already molted candle.. sometimes she's throw sparkles on it., and well.. to me.. it was a pretty long process.. but the end result was simple and beautiful. She made tons of the candles.. and especially at the christmas time.. she'd give them to everybody.. but me.. it bugged me for years.. but about a year or so before she died;on my birthday i think.. i asked her kind of whine-ily..and a little puppy sarcastic like why she never let me have one.. she said it was cuz i never asked.. she didn't know i even liked 'em. I told her i loved them.. and god i wished i had one.. that night i left her house with a 1/2 burnt blue frosted ..carton shaped candle..i love that candle so much..i burn it on only the most special of occasions..or when i just need to remember those times.. and Mrs.Spratford.. she apologised left and right that it was already burnt.. when i took it. But it felt right.. she 'broke' the candle in.. Mrs.Spratford's death took everyone by suprise.. it was but another contribution to my continual downward spiral tword over the next several years. I was given a green candle..one of the last she had made.. and it still to this day has not been lit. .. these things like everything help shape me and the way i am and the way i go.

This year.. again..i just.. was too overwhelmed.. i've been fighting this confusing,near endless battle.. called Love and me and whatever. I usually would start planning my Christmas stuff buying and making in August.. but even at the beginning of this month it still felt like August. I got some of the bases covered and Mike.. when he get's his big box i've been preparing over the past while.. he's gonna be so buggy eyed and overwhelmingly happy.. i jsut want to bw there when he gets his big box.. cuz it also includes a suprise i've been working real hard on for him.. it's been crazy getting this all together..even if i didn't pack the suprise..Mikey will have more toys and ninja Turtle Stuff than many of the goofy little kids he knows..god.. just to see his face. That's why i did the whole 'Present' thing//.. it was always hard.. but we started this sh6t when i went to Catholic School.

We had this idiot little program.. called ..i think..eerrm.. like.. 'SECRET SANTA SHOP' . You'd get notices about it in November or October or so.. and you got this little bank.. the little catholic kids needed save their allowance in. As the weeks went by.. if you were disiplined enough and said enough prayers to the blessed Virgin.. you'd have saved enuff' $$ to spend at the Secret Santa shop to buy Mommy, daddy, brother,sister,aunt,uncle,cat,dog, and the crazy hobo 'Jeckie' who lived in the little twig shack down by the creek..a nd he had that stale urine arouma about him.. and that one dangley;buggy eye that would bug out..if he stared at you to long.
This was an useless program..the Secret Shop was open for a few days before
Christmas break and all the pretty rich kids got to get the bigger presents for their family cuz well they either saved the $$ over the weeks like they were supposed to or mom and dad slipped them a fat wad in their lunch box before they left for school. Who knows.. me and Sara were poor white trash going to a Catholic school my mawm and pop couldn't afford.. it cost us alot of dignity just to be there..and well we had to usually ask mawm for some cash we would work off later..so we could buy the crappy little gifts the store offered jsut to give mawm and pop on the big X-mess morning.. it was pathetic.. the gifts were sh7t.. aproximatly the same thing you could buy at a 99 cent store..in the 'crap' section..even stuff you'd get at Dollar Tree or Family Dollar prolly is a much better value than they sold at the 'Secret Santa Shop' ..Santa must have just gave the shop his sweat shop reject sh6t .. just so he could break even on the whole deal and that it prolly go off as his tax-write off cuz he was giving the sh8t to Catholic schools that are non-profit.
Who knows.. years after ..i always enjoyed making people happy..even if it meant i ahd to bust ass to get presents.. later i'd discovered that even making presents..art-work or what-not was as much wanted..if not more appreiciated than just little trincket sh6t i'd get at Kmart..

..the past 48 hours i've only made 3 candles.. and i've discovered a cheap way to get wax.. yeah part of it is getting the stick candles Mrs.Spratford used to get.. but i melt those down in the pot rather than wait for them to burn to a mound of wax. Plust the Idiot Wal-mart sells Catholic candles that are real cheap.. and if i soak the glass cangles in hot water..it squishes out and i can pull the wick and wick abse off.. and the Virgin Mary design peels off and i can use that too.. i don't need to buy a big fat 20 $$ block of wax.. when i can get just as much wax and even some wicks for 1/2 the price.. yeh it's real silly.. but i'm even melting the little scented tea candles down and i'm making pumpkin smelling candles.. yeh i feel all 'craftsy' now.. but i'm not about to go head off to the Presberterians' annual holiday craft bizzarre and set up a booth next to the plump ,pastey white mommys' even whiter 'Snowman Rice Krispie' treats.. 2 for a dollar.
In an stupid way..i'm carrying on a tradition that really never was in the first place.. but Mrs.Spratford was prolly one of the strongest,sweetest people i ever met. Christian as hell.. and open minded as hell. Well.. if Heaven is up there.. she has prolly a real high seat up in the clouds.. i'll bet she's there ..sittin' at her lowly golden table.. playing solitare.. and smoking the Creator's finest tobbaco..
..free of the pain that plauged her down here. I saw her struggle so much.. physically..prolly a little mentally.. and when she died..she was just creamated and thrown on a lawn in Winsconsen somewhere.. no headstone ..nothing..

.. but she always saw beyond all that.. so much so.. that when you were struggling.. she was there to even just listen to you.. or offer you some left over Strawberry Triffle she got from Kroger's King Sooper store on their last trip to get groceries..she'd tell you a story..and you'd just feel so loved.. yeh..she was my mom too.

yeh.. this is long and noone will have read all this.. but..i just really want to cry now.. but i've got candles to finish..even some i'm making for Mikey's family.
..Miguel said i can call him at home.. as long as i'm cool and realistic.. so i feel a little better. Mrs.Spratford showed me alot of love i didn't really get with my family.. and in some dumm way..i hope i'm spreading that.. i don't know.
..>v<

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domingo, diciembre 21, 2003

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..sorta coming together
.. >v<

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