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viernes, enero 02, 2004 -->> ..i think that God has a sick sence of humour.. .. some kinds of profound things have been happening.. some more to lesser degres than others.. ..i'm a little floored. ..Mike is in Dallas for a break from work.. him and Vanessa are on mini-vacation.. i called him on Minday.. at night. Willis is an annoying friend.. and prolly one of the best ones i have.. he is such a f7ckin' annoying a55.. and yes, i tell this to his face.. he'll drop in at the most illogical times.. and at times it is not appropriate.. and he'll poke around everything.. never leave when you ask him to.. drone on and on about Legos and Transformers.. and the new Deluxe 'Thermo-nuclear Deluxatronic Starscreamic Optimas Cheetor Bumble Bee Converter Convoy' exclusive..from Japan that cost him 1/2 his paycheck from Mc D's.. and ..well the guy has more than 1/2 built an Optimus Prime out of Legos.. and ..wow. Geek supreme and Nerd are just part of this Amalgam of 'Willis' .. he gets out alot actually.. but had the social grace of a cod.. but i guess i'm a real fine one to talk. Willis does have good heart.. and times.. when i'm totally alone.. there are those exceptions where the dude's nerdy company is prolly exactly what i need. He's always curious about Ninja Turtles.. and he really loves Star Wars legos.. so it's dumm little connections that help to relate things.. he'll even hook me up with toys and stuff when he's out to the many stores while he is toy hopping on his days off. Willis is the last person i would come out to.. or so i thought. I was talkin' to Mike.. and Willis dropped in many times while i was talking on the phone to him. I couldn't keep this up.. i would often answer the door with phone in hand telling Willis to come back later cuz i was on an important call. But i can't keep hiding even from these little things. So.. i told Mike that i was gonna tell Willis.. Mike thought it was a good idea.. so.. i told Willis the deal.. and ..somehow.. it was ok. Willis was a little weirded out ..but i told him that all this was new to me anyway.. and how important Mike is to me and that pursuing this relationship is one of the best things to happen. While things are so uncertain.. hell ..just talking to Mike about going back down to Texas to visit opened another can of beans that'll have to be dealt with at a later date.. but yeh.. things ..everyday are filled with '?,?,?,?,? ..and ?' .. Willis did hook up with me last night as i walked over to Joyce's to drop off her late X-mas gift.. i am able to talk to Willis a bit more freely and the whole complex dodging of what things are and who i talk to so late at night.. and what was keeping me reeling all last year.. all that is out in the clear.. so.. i know the real baisic jist of coming out is. I also got a very blunt barrage and obviously answerable by the person who asked them.. questions from Willis when we were walking back from Joyce's.. : "So what did you guys do when you were together ? Did You kiss him ? Did you stick your wiener up his but ? ..Willis seems a little 'TOO' introspective and curious.. but.. he's a virgin snd his biggest sexual encounter was french kissing one girl.. so.. i just punched him and we continued walking. New Years Eve i prolly slept 30 minutes before my big Neurologist appointment my Pop drove me to in the morning.. this was an appointment i've been trying to keep scince October.. well..i finally got in. It was quick and .. wierd.. he seems like a good Doctor.. but you really got to interject quickly.. he stuck me with some Depakote for the seizures (which i was already on.. and made me f8cking sick as hell so i'm not gonna take this prescrip for,sorry)..and i had to remind him of the EEG i got taken in August.. i needed him to read the resluts to me.. he said there was something in my brain kids have ..and i had the same ting.. whatever 'it' was ..i don't remember the name..but it's something i have the same as a teenager.. and it is extremly odd i have it.. he said. He also said my hyperventalating during certain times of the test was extremly abnormal. I'm scheduled to get another EEG on Tuesday and an MRI in March. after the doctor..Pop took me to Kmart to fill the pointless prescrip ..then we went to his house so i could work for my mawm. Odd jobbing is pretty much my main way to make $$ during the break so.. gota do what i gotta do. Sara was home. Sara and i had fairly trying childhoods.. and some extremly f7cked up sh6t happened to us growing up.. but she has turned into one of my best friends.. and i'd consider her a very important family member. After allt he stuff with Mike went down.. and it was official..i was in a 'gay' relationship.. i was needing so bad to tell my direct family.. god-damm..if i just had that support Mike had when all this stuff was boiling last year..it could have made alot of difference..but life up here is not like Mike's down there. And my family prolly would have flipped out. In fact telling mawm and pop allt his was the last thing i could consider. 'Specially mawm.. she's f7cking looney enuff' as it is..last i need is her hitting the bottle more cuz her schizo son is also a 'fag' as i'm sure she'd call me. She used to tell me she would 'ban' me and disown me if i ever became gay.. so..yeh.. there are reasons i'm scared to tell Mawm and Pop.. Pop may actually be more open to all this.. but..i'm uncertain. I cherish his relationship.. and wonder if i told him if i would hurt him. Kate is like Mawm Jr. some times.. so..no way in f7ck i am gonna tell my little sister..strait out.. she already makes fun of me and calls me a fag so..i don't know. I don't act afemeanite.. and i don't know really what 'gay' people are supposed to act like. People are people.. and people generally don't think i'm 'bi-' .. so i dunno. But..well; Sara.. she is like the 'middle' child.. she's had her own roller coasters the past decade-plus.. and well.. she is who i can talk to..about really anything. She is open minded..always concerned about her brother.. and loves me..and.. is always busy. The baisic thing that kept me from telling her was our schedules.. we said we'd hook up.. and i told her i had important things to tell her.. but well .. always,ALWAYS ALWAYS.. something happened.. and we set this quality time aside.. and a year went by.. and.. dammit.. ..like everything else that seems to happen to me in life..in love and in work and whatever.. ..things get done suddenly,when i least expect them..and out of pure frustration. Going to my folks house..where Sara lives..suprised she was home.. too exhausted to work.. but knowing i had to.. and a hug from Sara.. and a 'What is Wrong??' .. .. i spilled it. I was sarcastic at first.. humour is just a blind way to cover the frustration.. but the next thing i knew.. "Dammit Sara.. when can we plan on 'Not hooking up'next?? There is something i need to tell you so bad and for a year i've wanted to and.. --" .. 'Tell Me..' ..she said.. ..no tears.. no meladramatic sh6t.. just Sara.. and her open ear.. like she always had. And a rare time i got that ear. I had 30 minutes to tell her..before she went to luch with her loving beau;Eric.. and it was me being manic.. but i came out to my sister.. and was a first step i needed. Sara.. yeh is like all my other best friends..i get to hook up with them only a few times here and there.. but.. again.. she is integral to me. Sara hugged me.. and said we talk more in depth later on Thursday.. It went better than i could have imagined.. i'd imagine Eric knows too by now.. but ..that's ok too. I worked for Mawm.. crashed in my neice's room for a couple hours.. and then Kate came threw a big 'Samurai Ninja Turtle Raphael' from TMNT movie 3 at me.. took me dinner..and we went to see "Return of the King". At the stroke of Midnight.. Kate told me it was 2004 .. midnight in the theater during 'LOTR'.. gees. 12 A.M. struck right after the big final battle. My favorite hobbit,Golem just died in lava.. the ring melted and Fat Samwise and Frodo Elijah were on the big rock as they waited to die in the lava.. it was pretty neat. The whole time tho' ..i kept hoping Merry and Pipen would make out. ..Sorry ..but those 2 hobbits are really close.. and really.. it's pretty hot. But alot of things tuen me on.. and the last thing i expected that would have ever turn me on was a short dorky,nerdy, Latin Ninja Turtle Catholic boy with a 'Legend off Zelda' Fetish.. .. but..yeh..these things always sneak up on me. So did 2004.. and there's alot more stuff to do. I come to expect the unexpected sometimes. ..sometimes.. i love it.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   miércoles, diciembre 31, 2003 -->> .. happy 2004.. 8\ ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   lunes, diciembre 29, 2003 --> .. tigers and angel.. always talkin' to them ..jesus.. .. o well ..at least it's something to talk to.. ..Mike gets a break for vacation tommorow.. if anyone deserves it ..he does.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..