{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
sábado, enero 10, 2004
-->> 'con.sen.sus' is 'general agrreement' ,accord..
..to me ..it's also understanding..the best you can and take the side of others..giving them liberty that human postives and flaws happen ..cuz people are human.. and make pluses and negatives..mistakes and good moves.. it's all relative.
..this moment..
..this moment .. i am all out of hope. Death is back.. like it's always been there.. maybe i can just scrap my plan for 'May' .. and just take myself out now.
I've been playing with knives.. it's very alluring.. i have yet to cut me.. but no puns intended.. i'm on the edge.
..Mike kind of always said it was a good thing..i generally stated strait up with people what was on my mind. Perhaps i was not able to make it 100 % clear as to what i was saying.. i still at least tryed to 'SAY IT' ..and pehaps that is why i sometimes i am "feared" .. i don't play into the happy- loverley media hype.. i don't follow the path of the tele-evangelist 'enlightened' or the society of fodder..that it's all gonna be 'ok'. I go with it.. i try..i fight.. i fail.. i give in..i fight.. i don't fight..i'm falsly optomistic.. i'm manicly pesemistic.. .. my heart is twisted into a rubix cube of.. and my mind is a beast all it's own.
..Right now.. i want to die.. need it.. again.. i've been here so many times before.. and it gets incredibly difficult to face each time. The more it happens.. the more i want to cease.
..this is why people fear me?? Cuz i embraced death?? Cuz i know how much freedom it can bring me. So much of this gets thrown into my face.. time and time again.. i am bad.. cuz i want to do something for myself.. now if i wanted to go but myself a CD.. to bring home and just chill to it.. or whatever..people would say that's good..and yeh..i'm doing something for myself.. but the overwhelmingly mundane and hypocracy..and maddness of mind.. the insanity and entrapment and drowning emotion.. and the incredibly dark airs.. that is powerful.very powerful.. no CD.. no amount of 'chilling' takes this away.. hallucinations..whatever follows takes me to so many tired paths.. perhaps.. i need to follow the path.. stop fighting it..
..the path that i know in my mind is the right one.. where i can be free of this sh7t.
..but along that path.. this bloody ,stupid little vessal.. this heart.. tugs.. this ADHD-ed heart.. so loves distraction..that's where Mike comes in.. waving.. "HI,HEART..see me!! See Me!! Love me!!" ..(not his exact words..i know..duh) .. My mind is frustrated.. pulls my heart along.. but the little vessal.. just so wants that distraction.. wants Mike.. and his selfish tendancy.. and sometimes seemingly undeserved consensus. He would give you the world. Take it away.. bring parts of it back to you. Give your hopes up.. and tie a string to that hope and like a carrot on the string.. ttease the little rabbit.. into entrapments..or into better ,safer places.. cuz he is 'normal' and i am not. ..An extremly wise person told me recently..
..Love is schizophrenic.. .. much like me.
.. i better try to get out of this pit.. i cannot be trapped here while i am feeling 'trapped'.. I'll try to call Mike later.. and no i am not bleeding.. i'm fighting this.. but it seems very much so a loosing battle. I am in a real dark mood. I sure could use angel right now.. but in times i have to rely on 'Consensus' .. and liberties.. the mundaneness of all this is so hard to deal with.. and if Mike or anyone (not that they do).. think this is easy to accept..or even for me to understand.. is kidding themselves.. god.. i wish i could get some 'consensus' on wanting to be dead.. but no.. alas.. that's only something i understand i guess.. that makes me selfish, makes me bad,.. makes me misunderstood and at risk.
.. life can also be a journey..some journeies never end.. and some do.. i'm to the end of my journey.. cuz this path ..in front of me has a real inviting cliff.. i want to head tword the cliff..
.. life is a journey.. perhaps.. life is the ultimate journey.. perhaps.. this all is just another analogy.. f7ck.. >v<
^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^
-->>
..hit me up sometime..!!
..things are starting to 'blur' again..the days are melding together.. and ..i dunno.
When i was little..i had major 'anxiety' attacks..for lack of a better term..(leave it to damm therapist to dig it up in my session) .. just as the breaks would wind down from school.. or i was really,really afraid to go back to school cuz of the bad things that would happen.. i'd totally freak out..begging and pleading with Mawm to not make me go cuz i was 'sick' .. the fear was overwhelming..and i guess i was lucky the times Maw let me stay home cuz Catholic school.. there was nothing there for me.. and sh6t.. you know.. what did i learn?? I never got the help i needed in anything.. especially math.. and when you got behind in the classes.. 'YOU GOT BEHIND!!'. ..Noone helped you catch up..no tutour,nothing. In the 1980s ..ADD and ADHD was just being discovered..the real impact of such a disorder wasn't seen and dealt with serious until the 1990s ..and thankfuly now.. little kids and teenager have many options and help on facing such a different learning curve. They aren't stupid.. not at all.. the ADHDs and ADDs are just a disorder that makes kids' brains function differant .. as such.. what they learn as well. But when i was a kid..again..it was just really getting started to get recognised.. now suddenly.. these days.. ADD and related is something all these middle aged ladies and stuff discovered they had..it's pretty crazy but serious stuff.. i still have ADHD to this day.. maybe the hyperactivity played into anxety and fear. But there were many reasons i was afraid.. some more severe than other prolly. Well.. i remember that fear..that anxiety..too well.. i'm a little used to it.. but it's happened so often..you don't really like it and don't totally get used to it. I felt this way when Zach was thrown back into state hospital, when Mrs.Spratford and people i loved died or were dieing.. and when i had to leave Mike in Texas and when we parted in Cali.
..i hate that 'uncertain' fear.. but sometimes..it drives me..so ..maybe it's a little good. I am feeling that right now.. i do NOT want to go back to school Monday..i have to.. but i'm dreading it. It's too tired.. i told cousin that i'm getting firmer in my stance.. by May.. if things don't look even a little brighter.. it's all going to cease to exsist. .. god..i want to die.
The MRI on Thursday had me and Pop bouncing around to find out where the test was.. but i finally got it and now have 10 big sheets of film with pictures of my brain.. lord.. my innards of my mind look like a jelly-fish!! I don't see Nero 'til March so.. i guess i won't know what it all means.
I called Mike for a minute last night.. he sounded real distracted and cranky.. we decided i should call him back in 40 minutes ..i did..several times.. but no dice.. Mike left work.. maybe he was just tired and wanted to go home. I wish he would have told me.. phone cards aren't cheap.. and he wants me to save $$ ..but everytime the work's message sevice recording picks up..it wipes a minute off the phone card..even if i hand up right away. It's not Mike's fault.. just frustrating. I talked to him on Thursday night for a couple hours and it was real nice. I'll try to catch him tonight.. like clockwork i do. He's aggreed to continue working with me. He's uncertain.. but all of this has been uncertain scince it started. I need to see him so bad.. but.. step at a time. I think Mike's starting to get back into the swing of work.. that's not always easy when you come back from a holiday.
Prolly have to work for Pop today.. need more $$.. it's gonna continue to be tight for awhile longer.. dammit. Well.. new semester Monday.. new oppurtunity to make $$ as well.. maybe ,if i get my degree or whatnot.. i'll be able to get into some better cances at $$.. but i know what i really hope is at the end of the tunnel.. and he's worth more to me than all the $$ in the world..
bling bling.. ..>v<
jueves, enero 08, 2004
-->>
..black sheep..holey cow..
"The Universe does not have rules. It has habits. And habits can be broken."
-- Professor Stephen W. Hawking
..what a smart guy.. Hawking is part of not only an incredible intelect in his Black Hole stuff and a bunch of other cosmics that make my brain spin.. he's a fun guy and prolly a cooler and profound aspect of popular culture..like the Dalai Lama. But i'm stupid to make such observations. Happy Birthday ,Prof!!
..MRI in a few hours.. i've been napping on and off the whole night.. left for Walgreens and races a little Walgreens cart down the hill after i got a little $$ from ATM.. almost flipped it.. was a real steep hill..Walgreens carts are fast.
.. need to feel.. real dippy now.. welcome back ,Miguel.. <3..
..>v<
miércoles, enero 07, 2004
-->> 
..Tuesday.. i rested.. but didn't sleep..i'm running out of steam to keep fighting.. i told Donna and Jo..that if by May..things don't look up.. even just a bit.. it's over.. i will do away with me.. selfish or not.. i'm getting red carpets rolled over me left and right..and the biggest semester ever just ..i'm not looking forward to it. my heart is in confused mire.. and blah blah.. There are a million other reasons.. Mike..yeh.. but the anger has festered to hi- now.. and i'm to fried to type about it.. besides ..noone wants to really hear it..so i will suppress it and shut up.
.. tigers ..tigers..lots of tigers..
.. by 11:45 A.M. the E.E.G. at the Neuro place. Mawm and pop were there..they took me.. and my Mawm wanted to know what the chemical was that the Nero told me was in my brain last week. He mentioned a chemical kids have that they normally grow out of by the time they are 18 ..i still have this chemical..appearantly. My mawm is convinced this is the 'answer' we are looking for and she wants all the answers cuz she is 'THE NURSE'.. Dr.Nurse.. my mawm is well established yeh.. but like when i was a kid.. this is one of her 'phases' where she wants to help me and make me her PROJECT.. i appreiciate it.. but i told her i'm a little to fried to really care. we've been at this Doctor thing for years now. The answers we seek have been few and far between,misdiagnoses, and pills.. and more chains of doctors. The tech that gave the test looked like a doc.. but he wasn't.. but the white coat made it look so. He was real nice to look at.. but it didn't do anything ,he was nice looking and that's it..
..i was fried.. & wanted to get the test over. He was a nice tech tho' .. i always get compliments on my cloths.. i wear what's comfortable.. not what really is popular.. not even a tshirt and jeans.. no i want my rave baggies and my funky black pants and my chains.. and my Pac-Man bracelets and my Ninja turtle earings and my beanies.. i do deck out.. but it's routine for me. I don't fit in anywhere anyway..so i don't care.. i know i'll have to dress nice on occasion ..when that happens i'll do so. I was wearing my Ghostbusters work shirt.. my Space Invaders jacket..amoung other things.. even compliments on my Tibeten necklace.. said it reminded him of an Indian Girl he went out with.. he suggested i take up eastern relig- .. this was a conversation that was going on as he was 'prepping my head'.. putting on the nice orange smelling salve to help keep the wire patches on my head and hands as the test is going on. He picked up on the fact i was depressed.. he inquired about my accident and just went on.. he told me suicide wasn't the answer..i was starting to think he was gonna pump some Christian sh6t on me.. anytime i've been in conversation with people of such convictions..it always turns into something very uncomfortable. I hinted at things.. and was a little mellon-collie.. he even told me to write a letter to all the people i've lost as to put some closure to their deaths..maybe i will//
This EEG was all computer so..it was diff- than the ones i got back in August with the old 'Geiger Counter' machine. A series of breathing excersises.. and the guy telling me to open and close my eyes.. and the strobe lights and racing thoughts.. there was 25 minutes i got to just think without worrying about all the other stuff..i was already really numb and buzzy feeling after the breathing exercise.. so.. my mind raced.. i was cryin to.. i remeber that.. wanting to die.. imagining death.. and.. then it was weird.. i guess i dreamt.. Mike was there as Angel.. and maybe cuz i'm on my Kaiju kick.. but i was at the edge of an ocean.. and there was a tall wall. I was rescuing something big.. it was stormy.. and i was rescuing Gamera!! He fell over and..little me was trying to grab his hand.. and i was yelling.. "Angel.. help me rescue Gamera!! He is drowning.. Angel Miguel helped me rescue Gamera.. but as we were rescuing him and lifting him out of the water .. thne test stopped and the guy took off ..
his cloths.. no.. he took off the wires.
He told me the Neuro would tell me what the results were.. and Mawm kept me and pop in the damm lobby forever she was bugging all the nurses for a look at my file to see what this 'Chemical X' is.. i told her it was pointless cuz it just mentioned briefly.. so breif..i forgot the name of it..she didn't get any aswers and i was right. o' well.. i was hungry as f7ck ..but was to fried to fight her to go.. so we left after 25 minutes of this..we went to Japanese Yakitori.. i wanted Burger King.. cuz they had ninja Turtle Toys in the Kid MEALS.. but Pankao Chicken sounded really good.
I was gonna work for mawm.. but she wanted me to nap first cuz i didn't sleep.
I checked messages.. Sr.Carole called.. GOOD..i need to talk to her..she is my old phychotherapist and mentor.. she is a majorinfluence in my life and one of the striongest.. and she also has M.S. ..had it scince she was a kid.. she's in her late 60s..
and is as busy and active as hell..i really want to see her ..i have'nt scince 2000.
..i called school..and left a message for Carole.. and crashed in my neice;s room.. woke up.. i napped until past 8 P.M.. to late to work.. sh6t!! Good thing i got a little extra money from picking up my rent money or i'd be totally broke..
..Pop took me to B.K.. >8D
.. then i called Jo and Donna.. argued with Jo.. i want to die..
Jo disagrees.. age old argument.. thing is tho' .. i mean it.
I am fighting..yeh yeh yeh. I'm trying to make it better. But.. my logic is always illogical. I want my freedom form maddness. People do not. I want to be real again. I want to feel. I want to belong.. everyone does i guess. I want to rescue Gamera.. i want to be with Mike.. i want to be happy ..i want Mike to be happy with me.
..i want to cry..
..>v<
martes, enero 06, 2004
-->>
..tiger jar..
..all monday..seeing tigers.. they don't really represent a threat.. rarely do i feel a threat from them.. there must be a reason they are there.. they run with me,they hover around me..climb walls.. and sometimes simply just lay on my bed. Every one tells me..'hallucination'.. well f7ck.. if they are not real.. why are they warm??
..my head is ajar.. Mike did type me am Emaill.. good enuff for me.. at least he contacted me. Tho'..prolly just cuz i asked him 'please' in an email prior.. he'll be back tword the end of the week.. just a few more days to wait then i can call him.
.. i've been pretty angry ..yesterday ..'they'//the neibors returned full force making chaos as always.. it's gonna stop now.. no more. i'm not gonna be walked on by these people.. and i'm not moving into another place in this idiot city.. the next move is gonna be the big one. I didn't pound or raise my voice as they smashed.. once again i was getting a nervous sleep. If these incidents wern't so isolated..it might not have been so bad. But frustrations are starting to rear their heads once again. 1/2 my grades are in ..and Mr.Olsen..my teacher /advisor was not at the school or at home.. class staerts back next monday.. what am i gonna do??
Jo,Dave, everyone is so damm busy.. so it is.. i've been angry and very needing to feel.. but the anger just tips me away from it.
Past few weeks have been kind of profound.. not bad or good.. but profound.. big things happened.
I talked to an important friend the other night & complimented me..saying that he would have just given up.. and that by me at least letting know mike where i stand is the right thing. Sara did too.. now that my sister knows after i came out to her.. she's been no different than usual.. but more caring..and trusting that i'm making the right decision..I feel a little better about it now.
Mike doesn't have answers.. and i'm guessing his break here.. prolly is a break from me as well. Really.. there are mistakes i made during the relationships.. things he looked at..only the negative things.. all in all tho' .. i didn't do alot of things wrong.. not only being new to a relationship unlike what i've been in before.. but all in all.. i didn't do anything that warrented this type of treatment.
I've got an EEG in a matter of hours.. and the lady fit me in for the MRI on Thursday,it was supposed to be in March so...we'll see what happens.
..tigers on my tail.. need rest now.. dream of angels.. sleep with tigers..
.. schizophrenia;heavenly jungle.. >v<
domingo, enero 04, 2004
-->> 
..unwanted..
(yo.. the dummy tag-board still works.. but i f8cked up the code a few days ago.. so..if it says error.. just ignore it for now..i tryed to fix the link..but i'm retarded.Not that it's a real jumpin' tag-board.. but i do like to hear from ya.. and it's fun to post back so.. i'll fix it when Mike comes back..)
Damm,Sissy is nice,huh.. ..lots of fun..w0w!!
..i'm staying with my folks for the weekend.. i only wanted to stay on Saturday but fell asleep after working in the morning ..so i'm stuck here 'til later Sunday. I need the $$ bad and there is always work to dofor mawm..so ..it's kinda shallow i guess.. but i've been odd jobbing for years and it works. Sara has been in and out and she is staying with Eric for the weekend. They stay at hotels for the night now and then.. he doesn't get to see Sara alot during the week i guess..so if he has off.. they get in as much time together before my neice comes over for Sara's visit with her. It's real cold and like 20 degrees.. so..maybe it's beter that i am here.. it's real cold here but at least the bed i sleep in is warm and this computer is fast ..unlike it's prior..which is sitting it's crusty,bulky,slow dated a55 in the basement where i live.
..wanting,needing to die.. at least the feelings of such..been making me cranky.. i feel very unwanted as well.
Sara acts kind of annoyed at me..but after comin' out to her the other day to her.. i guess she is more sensitive to me.i guess..(sheesh..i'm typing about coming 'out' in my parents' own house). Cousin..i guess is busy .. and Jo.. don't know wtf he is doing.. Joyce is pissed at me still..Lil' sister is a b7tch to me.. and mawm has been a bi-polar bear when she has been here.. the only one's realy seeming to want me is Pop.. whom is helping me with work ..and Zach.. whom i have bairly talked with scince August.. and Miguel flipping out on me.
I talked to Zach twice on the phone . Zach was prolly at least the 4th person or so i came to tell about Mike. Zach is my former roommate and as close as a little brother. At this point ..he even knows i had feelings for him.. we grew real close ..the time i lived with him.. we even 'played around'.. nothing majorly serious.. but what we did do gave me enuff' confusion as to what i was feeling. But it was an important time..and it was special betwen me and Zach. Zach is schizo too..but he is more than that. He is one of the most profound gentlemen i know.. and he had a f7cking tuff' amount of luck growing up.. one day in high school..some idiot punched him really hard.. and it jiggled a switch in Zach's head ..and set off the illness Zach may really have had suppressed all his life. But it's not to be ezploitd.. Zach is so dam caring for others..even total strangers. He is also one of the most misunerstood people i know. Being plauged by 'misunderstandings' all the time,myself.. it catches up to you ..and hurts you. Zach is just one for that.. i don't want to see him hurt. Zach won't call him self Bi- ..but i'd say he was..simply for all we went thru' .. and that's a compliment. He's real special..ans amoungst my best friends.
Anytime he is frustrated..he always calls and leaves a message that he wants me and him to 'find a place together'.
If it was that simple anymore..i would ..but i explain to him the best i can.. that Colorado Springs is choking me.. and the next move i need is out of state. He understand.. and he doesn't.. he knows.. and he doesn't.. he was sleepy when me and pop came back from dropping mawm off at work..i called him..but he sounded so tired i really miss him.. but i let him get some shut eye.
Mike hasn't called.. i mean.. why shoud he ,right?? .. i mean this is HIS break..why would he call me. He said he would 'try' .. but he also said he'd try alot of things..
..it hurts.. real bad.. but i try to understand. I'm f7ckin' worried sick enuff' as it is. With him way down ..1000s of miles away in Harlingen.. it's scary not having him in the physical. It was his promise to me that he'd touch base with me so i wouldn't worry. A promise he didn't really ever keep. It's also cuz of that great worry for him and his family that got me in trouble and made him wigg out on me. I've tryed looking up Rocky and Stephen's phone #..but i can't find it.. i have it at home somewhere.but i'll need to dig for it. I only told him i'd call him if i was desprate.. and.. i'm getting desprate.
Really..it's only fair he'd call.. but he generally doesn't look at it that way.. maybe it's his tuff' love that keeps us together.. at least in spirit.. but it also hurts.. and it felt ..from the start..times like this.. that i was very not wanted.. and even more so.. ..very very VERY UNWANTED.. by alot of people.. and especially Mike.. ..
.. vacation..vacation.. i need a vacation.
..>v<