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@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..

sábado, enero 17, 2004 -->> ..not unlike Dr.Doom..love Conquers all?? ..'pt.6 of infinity'.. -->>Mike wraps it up.. .. the beginning is the end is the beginning.. .. perhaps i'm putting myself in the position to be hurt again.. even worse so.. but as Mike makes his feelings clear.. as they were from the start.. they are unbalanced and clouded as they were from the start.. If anything.. i've made it clear from my point.. i hope i have..: What happened had / has it's impact.. it's not about him anymore.. he has to take care of that which he needs to. But as soon as i was thrown in the mix.. and he cared,fucked,cherished, and tarnished my heart.. it was to late.. he'd have just loved for me to disappear.. i asked him.. 'What the fuck did you think was going to happen after all this?? "..He told me he didn't really know.. now let's move forward.. lest i digress, this would almost be a war of words..but it's actually about a continual thought process.. that's why i ahve this damm blogg.. and that's how i work.. in thought.. i drown in it.. may as well use it to sort out this thing called love and my supposed life.. :: I want him to know that he still means a lot to me. -->> .. well ..when your still acting like the fool you always did.. and delv into the hypocracy all this reeks of now.. and we're still talking to eachother.. it's obvious. That he'll always be my friend and that I probably know him better than anyone at this point. -->> ..We're the best friends of the worst kind..sometimes it seems.. But when things aren't crystal clear to him, it gets pretty difficult to ascertain my meanings. It doesn't help that I have this ineptness toward speaking plainly. -->> ..Falling in love with a schizo.. well .. it's pretty difficult to live within this chaos.. i gotta live within this brain.. Mike doesn't..he lives in my heart.. but that comes into play with my brain.. what's left is the mire of figuring out life and reality.. it's pure hell. That's not ok.. so much of this wasn't / isn't.. the maddness presents challenge after challenge.. while suicide by my means is a valuable option..logical,inviting,freedom.. the contradictionswithin what Mike pulls only aggitates it even more. He could generally never even say 'I love you.' ..Maybe in privare..maybe if noone was looking.. but yeh.. he kind of has become so conditioned to the written word.. an average email or Instant Message was more profound than anything he could tell me on the phone.. it was a curse.. it was also a blessing.. it also proves how talented a writer he is. this stage in our relationship, I would feel most comfortable with maybe one call a week or occassional e-mails. -->> Sometimes.. i cannot talk to him at all.. he rarly responsds to emails.. and it is routine to call him.. it's something we both kind of started.. sometimes it's just a matter of me calling and us just hearing eachother..breathing,working..feeling our presesnce on the analog.. it's a bitch within itself.. it's also a part of life. It's too uncomfortable ..i've not been confortable for a long time now.. i am when we can talk.. and sometimes.. we have a good time talking,lots of times it's heavy, lots of times.. there's nothing to say, sometimes.. we have to talk later. I'm damm realitic about it anymore. So it is. he still calls daily and I help him with his problems as best I can. And yes, he helps me out with my website, and he sends me gifts and tries to make me feel special. -->> And from the start.. he covers his emotions with masks.. he's tired alot anymore.. tired of everything.. if i help on some of the parts of his life that make it carefree.. i am gonna do it. Even before all this.. i always did this for people.. being generous even when i couldn't afford it is what i did and do for alot of people i love..it's mundane sometimes.. sometimes it's bit me in the ass.. but all in all..it's my heart..i do what i've done scince i was very young ..and let my heart lead the way. When you fuck with my heart.. yeh..Mike did.. he's making emmense (sp)..i feel. He prolly wouldn't see it this way but well. I still love the jerk.. and as such.. it's still much the same as it is differant now..in all these things. Maybe he needs this to help him keep a tangible connection to me. -->> ..aahh..it's so nice that he makes me feel special. You notice how he also makes me.. 'Special' ?? ..like i'm his 'Special' friend.. aaahh.. i'm just his cute retard..he'd pat me on the noggin.. n' say.. 'There There' .. shit. .. phone calls, while sometimes fun and carefree, are for the most part dark and emotional and frustrating. It's something I'm having an increasingly difficult time dealing with, especially since I can't talk from home (for various reasons) and our phone calls are done almost exclusively at work. -->> Me not calling at home.. was a diciplinary action i took upon myself.. i was calling him at work..and that was tricky enuff' ..for the both of us. I also was calling at school.. my work.. and from beginning..these conversation were not always light.. even on his side. Yeh.. he'll ignore these points within his happy place and his happy blogg..but again.. i refused to call him at home. He needed a little break form me on his days off.. and many times i'd call at work and he'd be gone..so would not get to talk at all.. it's everyday stuff.. anything can happpen..i am well aware of the reality of it by now.. he knows that. He also helped start this..It's not an issue. And if it is..that's on him. What's more, he still wants to come back. -->>Mike told me that if it was up to him and him alone .. he'd be ok with it.. but due to the contraversy in his family.. it's something he is very aprehensive about it. It's like they accepted his life style.. but they don't.. cuz he's not involved right now. So suddenly.. the guy that came down and was in the mix before..it may raise some concerns.. He wants to move here and no matter how much I have tried to show him that it would be unwise, he still insists on it. -->> ..Mike knows of the great transition i am in now.. this is the biggest turning point of my academic career..i've been in school scince i was 5.. and i went strait out of high school to college without graduating..the next 5 months will make or break me.. and i've decided if i am unable to figure out the next steps forawrd for me. I will seek extreme measures..to aleviate my pain..or to find something better. Mike also makes it seem like i'm holding a gun to his head. On the contrary..i told him i am well aware that i may be setting myself up. That point has come to the forefront many a times.. but that optomistic Mikey..that i loved.. the one that.. no matter what ..as long as we had eachother.. we were gonna figure it out come hell or high water. That's gone now.. and Mike is a much darjer person within himself.. he doesn't see it.. but the hypocracy speaks for itself. I'm scrounging as much optomism as i can.. and it's few and far between.. but ..once in awhile.. ..i still see a glimmer of hope.. but it's like the vaugest star in the vast sky.. at one point within the scheme of the Earth's history.. man saw the stars.. they had no means to get there..but the dreamed.. they worked..they developed. Next thing you know.. the 20th century provided man the chance to see the stars and walk on the moon. But in the 17th century.. such things were prolly as much fantasy as dragons.. but.. at least they dreamed,worked.. and at least they kept trying. He wants out of his home town. -->> ..so does Mike.. And nothing would please him more than to be close to his friend. -->>Yeth.. it would ..it would pwease me vewy much stho.. to be clothestht to my bethtestht buddy..would make thith all the easthier.. ..my namths ,tOkKa..and i'm only thwee n' a half yearth old.. coo'.. whereth my teddy?? While no one here hates him or wishes ill upon him,.. -->> He cannot prove this. They very well hate me very much. ..he doesn't have very many fans. -->> Likewise..of the people that know here..about all this.. i was only able to tell the dearest and closest of friends ..and when i told Sara.. my sister that was a step forward.. people here..who know..were open minded..to my lifestyle change and the hard reality of being in a relationship like this. They only wanted the best for me.. and everyone's # 1 fear was that i was gonna get hurt real bad. What's done is done tho' .. and there is a fairly think tension here about the mention of Mike.. while i know it woudn't happen..(i would not ever allow it.. not even by me..).. cuz these people love me.. ..there are a few that really wouldn't mind punching Mike in the jaw.. and shoving their foot up his ass. I don't live in the most accepting regions of the country or even the state, and the last thing he needs is to be made to feel like he doesn't belong. -->> That is true.. i do feel very loved with Mike.. and very much like i belong.. I believe that he'll find his place one day. I don't know when or where it'll be, but he's shown initiative. -->> I love it how he's set himself up to just slide out of the situation.. yeh normally.. NORMALLY.. i'd judt go away.. i'm sure his family would love nothing more if i was never to even come up at the dinner table again..even in thought (that hurts bad.. cuz i love those people dearly as i do family..).. Mike took the kid gloves already.. he's already showing the toughest of love. Even as his friend. I've known him for 6 years plus now. He helped/helps me.. he fed off it.. sometimes..he fed of the 'ange; thing..i still call him that..pathetic.. i guess. We were playing Russian Roulette.. and Mike would love more than not to be held accountable for any of the love and impact he's brought to my life and table. Nor the hard realities and negativity.. and the very chaotic nature it's brought in my life right now. If anything.. .. for a good end.. this has given us a chance to work on ourselves.. has allowed us a little more space we needed and that we failed to give eachother before. But Mike was playing with lsva.. when you did your hands inlava.. they are gone.. and you go tot he sink to wash the lava off..well your hands are gone.. there's nothing left. Maybe this is a clean slate of some sorts for us.. but it's still been a profound thing that happened. I knoww he'd love to go back to the simplicity of when.."We's was just pals.." .. but things don't work that way.. life is life.. love is love.. love sucks.Mike is not moved by this ..he once was.. but now he's moved by the need for himself.. that's ok. I respect it and do my best to understand it. I've even encouraged it. But he never really sees that i am trying. Well.. guess i got a long way to go.. even in department.. it's all very complex now.. Mike has all these little ,pretty boxes he wants to put it all in.. but it's all bigger than him, bigger than me.. bigger than boxes.. I'm trying to not let death smack me around again.. Mike is part of that support..part of life..he is my friend and family.. i should not have to explain this again. We had something deeper for a while, but we're just friends now,.. -->> I do my best to see this.. but really we are family too.. i don't totally know what it is.. ..He already blurred the edges to much so.. maybe i i am more in need of him as my support than he is.. but if i upped and died tommorow.. he told me he'd be concerned.. there is still somethng near and dear there.. and no..i'm not gonna let him say.. 'Well..we are just pals..' ..It's so complicated.. but the baisis of all people who care about eachother.. Family,friends,lovers..girlfriends,boyfriends,animals,people.. ..simply.. it's love.. sometimes it's all i've had to go on.. it opened my mind.. it always opened my heart to the good and the bad. I've been naming names.. cuz well ..most of the secrets are out now. The people that will read this are people that know me and Mike and that count in our lives.. some have no clue. Some aren't even seeing this. It's not to rub things in Mike's face.. or make me look like a bad ass.. it's thought process.. it's how i ahndle it and cope. Sorry if it seems otherwise. .. and that's fine with me. We both need to get on with our lives and attempt to make them better. -->>Well no shit.. you don't say?? Really?? you mean.. we had even just started this whole thing to make our lives better?? O my god.. and i tought it was all about the chaos and anxiety.. and the wonderfuly painful longing,the missing him, the motivation he gave and gives me.. and something to fight for.. you mean to tell me..that's what we are trying to do.. like we were from the start.. WELL BLOW ME DOWN!! ..Jesus, and i thought it was all about the great phone sex.. well that's news to me !! wow!! ..i say this out of love.. you'll just have to trust me on this.. The f8cking idiot..!! .. don't worry.. i'm pretty sure the feeling is really mutual. We know we have each other's support. We don't constantly have to look back to see make sure it's still there. -->> Yeh.. but it must be nice to know.. to some extent..that we got eachother's back. It's to late.. can't go back.. you can remember the good in the past.. and i really do my best to keep it in perspective.. in fact it brings up things for us to think about. This whole thing was weird from square 1.. but no matter the problems that arose.. even when we were fighting..i stayed in his corner. This isn't a black and white issue.. that would be nice.. i know. I'm sick of feeling this pain.. i'm sick of missing him. But i'm not sick of loving him. He seemed to hold my illness and the issues it brought against me. He has told me otherwise and i beleive him. Maybe he doesn't want me to find my way back into his heart.. or take that energy.. but really.. i am multi-tasking..like always. I am doing multiple things all the time.. and finding the answers with Mike.. even as there become less and less.. he has said he'll work with me. That's better than nothing and makes me feel better. I didn't do this for some political thing..Yeh hey..look..i'm bi- now!! ..i've put myself in a unique class,it's my opinion that i get turned on by everything..i swing from the hips & go thru all sorts of holes!! ..that's silly.. ..no ..this was an issue of the heart. It's time to move forward. We can't give up on our ambitions. Now we're both quite a bit wiser, and we know we won't make the same mistakes as before. -->> .. i've been trying harder and harder.. Mike sometiems sees the accomplishments i've made.. he says he's proud of me on some. soemtiems he says he dosn't think i've made any strides. He also ain't never met anyone like me.. and vice versa.. As 2 wiser individuals.. he knows life isn't easy.. and as much as he wants it to be so carefree now.. it's actually 10 times more complex than it was a little over a year ago. I'm slow.. and i see where his heart was a year ago. I am there now. I am trying.. i beleive he is too.. for whatever it's worth.. he digresses.. he moves forward. He's human. He often says he wish i didn't love him. I sometimes feel the immence strain of this.. i wish it weren't so either. It's that conectionhe ignores. but is there. That love.. whatever undfinable ,fucking ,confusing maddening cord it is.. it's a connection hellish and unique. It's a cord that in my darkes t times makes me whole..belonged, loved. It's nice to be cared for.. to some twisted end.. i'm sure it's the same for Mike.. but only he can say for sure. cutting that cord is like cutting telephone wire with saftey scissors. ..and the days continue .. ..my heart has landed me in a lot of trouble.. but it also..more often than not led me to the light. I've been doing the love thing for awhile now. True love is not nice.. and as the wise man said.. love is schizophrenic. ..my heart took me this far. It hasn't totally failed me yet.. but it has made mistakes..& It all feels like yesterday.. i've no concept of time. And will there be a brighter end to all this uncertainty?? Who knows.. it all became one big '?'. I'm a lover.. i'm a fighter.. i 'm alot of things.. me am tokka.. and me got a battle worn but big heart. .. that's gotta count for something. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   viernes, enero 16, 2004 -->> ..kill the umpire!! Kill the ump!! .. 'pt.5 in our ongoing series called "tOkKA's Heart" ..' -->> You try until we succeed.. that's why.. you keep trying..i haven't succeeded yet. .. swing battah.. no battah.. battah swing battah!! .. ok,Love.. you already struck out back there.. 50 zillion times over.. .. now i'm at the plate.. That was strike one... Back in June, when he thought I had a "new boyfriend." All because I refused to talk to him on the phone, while I was trying to talk another friend out of some dark times when he called. -->>..it was peanuts & cracker,jack.. ..quite often in fact.. it had started out with me..i helped this same friend out. I had called this friend myself.. this friend grew to trust Mike too.. i called Mike..and he was talking to this person he didn't readily make clear who it was.. i got scared and confused.. ..ya know..i begged..i pleaded.. made effort after effort make my phycosis and issues that arose from my illness as easy a transition to work from as possible.. every emphasis on 'communication' and it's importance was presented.. at this point.. nothing was communicated to me.. so really HE struck himself out on that one.. gotta love ,the lummox.. the wind up.. & the pitch:: Strike two was San Diego. The embarassment I felt in front of my friends and mentor. -->>..o' we kind of both played in on that one.. .. he's headin' into home,folks.. this is it !! This could be the tie breaker that wins the game :: Strike three was his inability to let me speak my mind,.. -->>..Ya struck out there.. YIRSELF..every opportunity was made for him to do so.. and if he felt like he wasn't able to do so.. he failed in that too!! Strike Four!! .. swing SWING!! BATTAH BATTAH!! No battah, 'ehh Battah... .. to let me have a life of my own and threatening me when I was unwilling to devote it completely to him. -->> ..Battah..battah bing.. battah bataah box.. .. nothing i did could interfere with this.. he had helped create some of his own shackles.. and thousands of miles away..we both kind of shared in this responsibilty.. we threatened eachother.. he held my love in contempt.. and in constant fear and anxiety ..he held the fact that i could just totally loose him at bay.. until it was to late.. then he dropped the axe.. strike 5 !!?? .. swing swing!! But here it was, August, and maybe he forgot about all those times... or maybe he thought I forgot about all those times. -->> ..next time you become mentally ill..let me know.. we'll talk about it more in depth then.. along with the tigers.. ..it sure felt like he forgot..'ALL THOSE TIMES' .. Either way, he wanted to talk about our relationship. And so, I talked to him. -->>.. and somebody.. this ;broken..other 1/2.. had to be held accountable.. for something.. and a simple little fact that i'd known him for 6 years.. yeh.. it doesn't just go away that easy.. he was a part of my life now.. it was to late.. and no matter haw many times you swing that bat.. the damage was done.. the hurricane hit.. and here we are.. now where were we gonna go?? And I told him that I never intended to lose his friendship because we've known each other so long. -->> .. the biggest problem ..again.. he didn't tell me shit. and suddenly..we're stuck up a creek and a million questions.. and here i am..defeated.. suicidal as hell ..the night he hung up on me.. i had attempted to mix some chemicals.. ..but my cousin came over..flushed them.. gave me a hug and took me over to his place.. i could not sleep tho' .. everything i'd ever wanted..in my life. The biggest betrayl.. everyone i told about this..didn't want me to get hurt.. the person who said he'd never hurt me.. took the bat..stepped up to the plate and smashed in the most precious and the strongest thing that helped keep me going thru this.. the only connection i had.. and the main part of me..that kept me going in every friendship i had with anyone.. and in with the precipus few i truly loved.. .. He grabbed the bad and smashed in my heart.. ..as i left my cousin.. the ultimate answert for me..'Suicide' had failed me.. what was left after that?? .. i slowed down for a split second and remembered..he'd said during this last conversation.. "What do you think i'm going thru' ?? " .. the only answer i could think to that was.. 'HELL' .. ..then something else really set in.. i grew very dark.. and then.. very ANGRY.. natural emotions.. or not.. something very f7cked up had happened here.. and it wasn't right. ..i walked the strip..manically..crying and..every payphone i'd come to..as i walked past the stores.. and restaurants along the strip..i stoped.. pulled out my phone card and left a series of messages.. i knew he wasn't going to answer the phone.. so i called jsut to leave messages.. telling him that i was doing this to jsut talk to something and carry on this thought process.. giving valid points..and feeling suicidal sometimes.. it was maddness.. and i was becoming so angry..it started driving me.. fueling me.. and i was a mess. Because things were great when were friends. -->> ..no they weren't.. cuz before that.. it was barly real.. suddenly ..after the best thing to ever happen to me.. i'm supposed to just go back to being 'pals'?? He didn't want to be held accountable for the impact he made on me.. it was kind of to late to 'go back' .. there was no time machine.. just 'forward' ..it was becoming hard to tell him from my mother at this point.. And because he was my first love. -->>..after this.. it felt like i was just his first real thrill and fuck job.. i knew this was not the case.. but it sure felt like it.. And he is just so damned special to my heart. -->> ..i wasn't his pal or his friend.. i became one of his best friends.. yeh..there still is a connection there. I tried my very damnedest to make it clear that while I wanted the friendship to last, we should not continue our intimate relationship. -->>.. all this fucked with me hard.. and i guess i am slower in accepting these things.. hell.. all my life dealing with things ultimatly lead me many times down the path to death. No..i wasn't living for death ..it was just an option.. and it many times was mine. My main option.. nothing could fuck with that. Mike did.. he fucked with that. fuck fuck fuck.. it made him comfy i guess.. to think i wasn't going to kill myself.. no..it was nothing to threaten him with.. i don't have time for threats.. a sad thing was.. the very thing i started out as.. this suicidal mess of a boy..i was there once again.. ..i really saw and sometimes still really see the rational and logical side of being dead.. it is freedom.. i'd come full circle to this .. it was the final inning.. and.. while the game seemed like it was over.. this time.. things made me think.. Mike made me think.. i never thought about death twice.. i wanted to die.. i tryed killing myself.. time after time.. i failed time after time .. i died a million times. And i still wanted to die.. but this time.. i'd been fucked .. and it was about to start a whole new ball game. :: He said he understood. -->> I understood soon that he had made a decision and now i was going to have to learn to accept it.. but it wasn't just a matter of .." Hey,David look.. just ..understand." ..nothing made real sence now.. and when you both strike out.. yeh.. Mike and David both fucked up.. it was becoming next to impossible to understand anything. Yet i was determined to find his heart.. i'd lost everything.. and now..it was very hopeless .. and Mike was ok with his decision.. he prolly flinched here and there.. but all and all.. this was ultimatly his decision. Like all the other decisions.. it was never about us.. it was about me or him. That always hurt.. but now.. that is all there was it was twisted now.. and it was .. 'me' and it was 'him' .. and 'us' was/is on hiatus.. and now.. i was trying for myself.. trying for him.. maybe not ultimatly showing him that i was moving forward.. but at least i was/am trying. Well i don't know what he was showing me.. he said he'd never hurt me either. That wasn't the case now. And I told him that I never intended to lose his friendship because we've known each other so long. -->> ..i mentioned that point first.. now he takes credit for it.. well i can't prove it to anyone .. but that's what Blogg archives are for..i guess.. proof is in the pudding.. but it really doesn't matter. I'd already lost that once pure thing.. now i needed to try to win this.. whatever it was now. Whatever that pure thing had turned into..this new 'ball game'. Because things were great when were friends. I told him flat out, "You're my friend and always will be, but that aspect of our relationship is over." -->> .. nothing mattered.. yet a vauge chance in hell.. i told him 'flat out'..if there was any chance in hell and i took that chance.. and it kept me alive.. that if i was allowed to keep that as motivation.. would he be ok with it.. he said he was. Perhaps nervously so with every thing i tryed to come up with that was positive.. he said he was ok with. But when he said, "Don't count me out," and I said, "I don't count anyone out," my intentions may have been muddled. -->> .. no.. he'd went thru' the heart and beat it to shit and smashed everything up and damaged it.. and threw it around and broke it some more.. it was all lopsided now.. and the intensions were more than muddled.. this was madness.. and it was becoming a fight.. for survival. And I regret that. -->>Did he regret his heart.. did he regret everything that happened?? What did he regret?? ..only he has those answers.. he tells me he didn't regret anything. Twisted.. very twisted.. and it hurt.. real bad. I told him that I don't count anyone out because I do not intend to leave anyone in the cold. I help my friends the best I can. I did not intend for him to attempt to rebuild our intimate relationship. -->> Hey battah battah.. .i told him that i still talk to him..to 'angel' even tho he's not even here.. i told him i still run with tigers.. even more so.. my actions were becoming something i really needed to look at.. i was running in the middle of traffic on the freeway.. i was cutting again.. i had to get real strong ..real quick.. he said he was ok with me getting stronger. I told him i still dream of him.. and that i kiss his picture every night.. he said he was ok with this. He told me he was proud of me. It was clear. Mike was part of my life.. his family.. him.. .. Mike was part of 'everyday' .. and soon a disasterous semester .. prolly one of my last ones at school. Deffinatly the worst. At this point..i needed Mike more than ever. I guess i was trying to rebuild all this..maybe i was building the tower of Babel.. Maybe i was trying to prove him wrong after he underestimated me. The real struggle was already happening.. and i was moving forawrd.. i hoped he was.. .. and my heart was trying.. but i still have yet to succeed. Perhaps..that's where we are differant the most.. i'm driven predominatly by my heart. I'm still driven by Mike.. it's fucked up.. but at the same time.. it's the best thing i have.. so now.. before this tale concludes.. i need some sleep.. ..1/2 time..cuz it's about to turn.. HARD BALL.. and it wasn't mutual.. but i was still in love.. and maube in vain.. i was/am still trying. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   jueves, enero 15, 2004 -->> ..ok,Houdini..read my mind.. 'dealing pt.4 of forever' This was the last image burned into my mind on my last trip to Texas.. Mike's beautiful,sad and broken face before all the things that happened in the prior post.. (..i'm in typo city cuz i'm a little frustrated..this is a little painful, i'm sorry for that..) Mike's story continunues..& as does one side of the story..but again.. 2 tales spin ..and it get's real sticky here. Mike's not me.. so he can't tell my side.. but he's a big part of me now..and even that was about to f7ck with me.. and the very core of what this was about. The heart. I warned Mike along time ago..to not underestimate me. He did 10,000 times over.. and thensome.. then he brought out the elephants.. it became a circus.. ..but i was the 'sick' one.. what did i know?? Mike's words are in italic..:: July rolled around and our long-planned trip to a comic convention brought anxiety to my family and to him and to me. -->> While things got stressful.. during the past year.. there were great periods of calm..it was possible for me to go stretches.. and Mike.. for me to call and everything seemed ok.. i was doing ok here and there.. Mike isisted as such.. but anxiety,pressure,pure silliness.. and the most pivital & important thing 'Communication' .. all of my life.. when people didn't tell me strait up.. strait out.. what the hell was going on,what they needed from me,what they wanted me to do..or whatnot.. bad things happened.. this was the biggest problem from day 1. Maybe i didn't make it clear..enuff.. maybe there were times i didn't trust enuff..maybe there were times i needed to shut up so Mike could get a word in edge wise.. but all the time i kept calling myself on the carpet.. any time we got in an arguement.. or a fight..even tho' i was so self-defensive..and offeded by Mike.. i still stayed in his corner.. backing up his points why i was wrong during the whole thing..i don't know why this was totally.. but i knew,if i didn't come around to see his point of view..no matter how hard i disagreed with it..if i didn't give him the benefit of the dout.. it prolly would never have worked out as long as it did. I tryed and tryed tackling this issue of 'bad communication or no communication at all' ..i took it upon myself to make it easier some how.. everything i could think of..lowering my expectations of him telling me things.. i knew he had alot on his plate. Communication thru' eMail.. Instant messaging.. we did the best we could to keep in touch..but the anxiety here was building itself here..and while i had a few close people i knew that 'KNEW' about all this..there was only so much they could do.. i'm sorry i need a bit more support than other people.. but i was entering a fragile time.. when i needed support the most. Unfortunatly alot of that support did get shifted on Mike.. fortunatly alot of that did get shifted on Mike.. cuz i was learning.. getting better.. understanding more.. coping.. i was.. i AM!! .. and i'm sorry. Noone in my nuclear family knew about any of this sh6t tho' at the time.. which was bad.. cuz they really needed to.. and i so needed to tell Sara, my sister at least.. from the start.. that didn't arise yet. Whatever the case ; i needed.. so did Mike.. as much communication that could be reasonably given.. i guess some of this is my fault.. but getting Mike to tell you strait up anything with his own voice.. more often than not.. is like telling a charging Rino to "SIT & Heel".. They knew that I'd be staying four days in a hotel room with him and all kinds of illicit activities ran rampant through their imaginations. -->> ..yet again another little detail that kind of slipped. We actually almost didn't go.. just about a week or so prior..alot of sh6t went down with me and him. It almost felt like we had broken up. I was struggling.. to stay with Mike. But there were times he needed to tell me what was going on. Often he didn't.. this issue was getting really old.. and if it was a matter of simply striking out. Mike prolly missed the ball thousands of times.. stike 1-2-3- 4-.. 20.. 99.. 1000.. strike 200000000000000... - - - - and he still was trying to get to home base.. We worked it out,whatever the f7ck it was that made us fight.. i don't even totally remember.. .. and we had some shakey ground to head to San Diego. I was scared as hell.. and i made it clear..'I am gonna stay by your side.. this convention is about spending time you,Mike. It's more important for me to do that than any of this.' It was about him.. i meant it.. he was ok with this.. It wasn't about the convention.. the money wasn't even an issue. I got a little lucky with some money and it presented itself to be benificial for me.. the love of my life didn't have the cash to go to his annual convention.. this was like his 3rd time of going.. he really wanted to.. yeh.. of coarse i'm gonna financially take care of it. Mike handled the major parts like making reservations.. and we were on our way. .. It was his first time to this particular convention, and he wanted to meet his idol -- a man who I've already had the extreme pleasure of meeting and, to me, is the coolest guy around. I wanted nothing more than to have a good time and to spend some time with my other online friends. The ones I only get to see once a year. -->> ..yet he told me he 'knew' how i felt about the whole convention.. i'd not seen this guy in months.. that takes it toll.. the person i wanted to spend my life with.. this was a chance to enjoy something together.. prolly a chance we'd not get again. Mike was divided.. he wanted to be with me.. at the same time he wanted to spend time with the people he had met there and annually hooked up with. Mike failed to make this clear from the start ..(sorry..i'm slow).. but i finally came to understand this. Unfortunatly ..i came to understand it to late for Mike's to understand that i knew the 'deal' now.. but there was an EXTREME lack of planning on both our parts.. we had a few short days to do alot of things.. and there NEVER was any clear thing on what was going to happen..so real clue as to what the expectations of eachother were gonna be. This trip was my first time to California.. i wanted to soak in so much.. like i did the first 2 times i'd gone to Texas.. to really absorb it.. that's what i was taught. But baisically.. for Mike..it was mostly about the convention.. jsut enjoying that. That is ok.. i mean.. it's something he really wanted to do ..something he looked tword all year. I wanted this so bad too.. tho' i wanted to not leave his side..( i was scared.. hell..i got lost my first day there and Mike had to send the Hotel van after me..)..i was hoping we could go do some other things.. see a little bit more of San Diego.. this awsome place i'd always heard about.. so much of my family was in Cali.. it really was a magical place.. a place i don't know when i'll (was ,'we') will return to.. but it turned out.. I was supposed to follow him around like a puppy dog.. i was a bad dog. I didn't think he would embarass me or keep me from enjoying myself... but he did. -->> This part just pisses me off.. and it's not fair.. and part of it is based on un-truth.. yeh ..it was a f7cking challenge.. for my part.. for his.. i accept as much of the blame for the negative things that had happened.. but all in all it was a damm good trip.. Mike even said so.. to me by the time we got back. Guess he was fibbing..on some of it. It almost seems that i was just this sick guy that couldn't handle himself.. and Mike was there cuz 'HE' made it happen.. and i was there.. and if i didn't make him look good ..well he was just 'embarassed'. Why should he have accepted any part of the respinsibility for this?? To his credit.. i do remember a few times him mentioning that it was me that helped him get there.. i also remember mentioning that i had almost f6cked up and bailed on him..so really all of this trip.. was just so fucking fast. Last minute.. jesus.. i'm suprised we could breath. .. anymore he focusses on all the bad things that happen.. and he is just so 'Wondering' why the hell we are still in contact. My expectations of Mike apperantly were to much for him to handle.. and when i even totally blew off the expectations..and said to myself..'Dave.. you'd better learn to understand more.. or your gonna loose him!! ' ..AND HE FUCKING KNOWS THIS!! i was trying more and more.. .. He didn't do it intentionally. On the contrary, he tried his hardest to work it out, and I tried my hardest to help him. -->>Yeh.. i did.. yeh..Mike did.. apperantly..we didn't try hard enuff.. But we fought on more than one occasion, mostly because he wanted to spend those precious few days with me alone and I wanted to spend them with all my friends. -->> Strike 1 trillion and fifty-four.. again.. it was 'My friends' .. no .. sorry, buddy.. it was OUR FRIENDS.. there were all these people i knew online and that were there for me..one friend in particular i'd met in real life before .. some i knew vaugly online..some i knew very well.. it was also my first time meeting them face-to-face.. it was so hard to divvey up time.. (to Mike's credit.. they are wonderful people..i can see why he'd want to be arounf them..) ..but it started to become clear.. no matter what i did.. to make it better.. it was so clear.. and yet Mike and i kept getting shards put in our eyes.. what became clear.. became..blurred.. On our last day in town, during breakfast with our shared mentor, the man I tried to please during the entire trip kept mumbling under his breath about how I didn't care about his feelings and that I was being selfish. -->> .. the devil is in the details.. how's it hangin' Satan?? This actually was out of our hands.. & part of this was my fault.. Kevin Eastman.. whom ..god.. this was a dream come true for me.. and someting had gotten to do on years prior.. hook up with a small group of this online community.. in the evening.. on a bit more of one of the relaxed nights of the 4-5 day convention.. to enjoy and converse with the 'CREATOR'.. my hero as well as Mike's.. (of coarse we generally seem to venture tword's Mike.. cuz he's the normal guy in this situation,right ??.. hey..did i tell you about the story how he came 'out' to his family?? Real 'normal' stuff..) .. it generally was a sociable time. Not this year.. Kevin Eastman is a wondeful guy.. but be advised.. he's also a busy buisiness man.. hes' gotta make money. The whole weekend got tighter and tighter.. and with pressing deadlines to meet..Mr.Eastman could only hook up with our little 'exclusive' group during the Morning on the last day of the Con.. for an hour.. altho' i had wondered out the night before cuz i really needed to get persective on where i was with all this. Mike wanted to spend sometime with our friends (..yeh..i'm gonna go there..) to see a special screening of our favorite Turtles movie.. Mike did tell em we'd get to go around San Diego to take in a little bit of the sites..with what fastly dwindling time was left.. we had less than a day in Cali..to be together.. while i love the people we hooked up with at the Con.. and i want to see them again.. TMNT is a movie i'd seen a million times.. i'm as much of a fan as Mike..so..that's not even an issue.. but i really didn't see why i had to see the show again.. on a little bit larger screen.. when it's an hour plus i could spend with the one i love in San Diego.. a place we may not ever see again. Mike's point was that he may not ever see these people again..it's to bad Mike didn't make this point til' after we parted.. felt real upset with eachother.. and hooked up later.. to go have an extremly late dinner. By the time we got back from the dinner.. we were exausted as fuck and only had so much time to sleep..we were also packing it was a mess. Yeh.. i was confused even more so when we both woke up feeling like hell.. and yeh normally one would be cranky.. but there was no time for anything.. we had to be at a holtel.. across town..see Mr.Eastman for breakfast..(sh6t..we barly got to eat.. we almost didn't) see our friends off..say goodbye.. rush back to our shit get it.. turn in the key.. and run down to the stupid bus to cuz..well it was leaving ..this was all in about a less than 4 hour perios.. and if i'm remembering..it was less than 3. Yeh.. some planning and communication would have been good here. But i'd embarrased myself more than anyone. Later.. our friends said..they were just concerned.. not thinking ill of me and Mike. Not at all..they love us.. why would they hate us?? I'm still paying for the expeiriance tho' .. and we both kind of made a mountain out of a mole hill. And for awhile we kept climbing that mountain. And then he walked out. He didn't come back until after breakfast was done and our friend, the counselor, had talked to him. -->> Mike and me.. we were late for the breakfast .. and everyone was real excited.. i barly got the courage or stamina to stay.. everyone wanted the 'Turt;e' guy.. the man and Mentor..;Kevin Eastman's attention.. there was a small but modest group there..Mr.Eastman was pretty tired himself.. i'm tired as hell and feeling like i could have a seizure or just break down and cry at any moment. I felt so hurt ..by the whole situation.. i could barly sort out my feelings.. people did feel the tension.. but they were worried cuz they cared.. not cuz i was making a scene.. Mike even wanted me to muster up some energy to show Mr.Eastman some art work.. that would have been fine..if ther was time.. but the clock was ticking & soon we had to go. The pressure did even out slightly thanks to the 'counselor' friend.. and the others.. all shoeing their support and love for Mike and me.. it's kind of fucked up Mike doesn't look at that. He'd better.. not for my sake.. but for his and theirs.. they are good people.. and Mike should appreciate the time we did get in. I'm sorry it became a negative thing for him.. we did get to talk to Mr.Eastman a little bit.. and even the group had a fun little picture session with the big guy.. it all evened out and became a little better tword the end. Me and Mike did make peace and we even fell asleep on eachother's shoulders..on the ride back to our parting point ..where we had to change buses. I'm sorry the bus was all i could afford..it's not easy..it's not fast.. but it's all i knew .. and actually it was Mike's decision to take the bus as well.. but for what the trip was..it was the best thing ever.. i got to meet and see so many people i'd never thought i would..there were suprises at every turn. Even people i'd loved for so long ..who's work i'd admired..they were there!! All in all..it was very posotive..if Mike cannot find the energy to see the positive in it. Well ..it'll be somthing he needs to look at. Cuz if he doesn't..every little,negative thing will turn into monsters and eat away at what is positive and good..and then they go for the heart. The monsters were already knawing on his heart.. and he didn't tell me.. Strike one zillion.. The whole trip back home I kept thinking about how impossible our relationship would be. During every one of our phone conversations, when he was hurting and near suicide... threatening to drink chemicals or jump from a bridge, he ensured me that if I was gone from his life, he would be dead. -->> ..i needed to get stronger.. i needed to saty stronger.. i failed many times.. Mike also promised me he'd never leave me.. he promised.. I thought of the deep scars and scabs from self-induced slashes that ran all over his body. I knew he would do it if I up and left. -->> This was a problem i'd been dealing with scince childhood.. it's a beast within itself i've been trying to break scince Mike came into my life.. before Mike..it's all i had.. killing that beast to this very day.. is one of the most hardest things i've ever done. To Mike.. on this account.. and the fact that i was making every effort to stop.. he should (he won't) rephrase that.. By August, however, I was through with his tirades, his calls at 4 a.m., .. -->> Again there were times of peace.. i guess it was just all about the 'tirades'.. some Mike had helped create.. but he doesn't go there.. i am.. it makes sence ,right?? .. what about when he was expecting me to call.. what about when i'd call just to sing him to sleep.. i'd be there and he'd just fall asleep after a lovely talk and a song.. .. we were getting desprate tho' .. and while it was sweet sometimes .. it wasn't clear then, but it's obvious now..we were getting desprate.. nice way to overlook that one,huh!! ..his constant need to know what I was doing and where I was at every minute of the day. -->> Uhh.. gee.. i wonder why.. hello, IDIOT!! I LOVED/LOVE YOU.. this is what makes Mike one of the biggest hypocrits.. and one of the biggest assholes i've ever met.. and it also makes me need to accept and understand him even more. His jealousy of my other friends. -->> ..Mike's failure to tell me strait up..when it was logically necessary.. His belief that I'd drop him and never look back. -->> When you don't tell you're loved ones.. especially the ones closest to you.. it's hard kind of hard to know what to believe.. His belief that I couldn't take care of myself and that I needed him to take care of me. -->> His failure to help me understand.. and the fact in seeing with his own eyes.. that i was really starting to understand.. ..then the hurricane came &.. His feelings of helplessness when he couldn't be here to protect me from a hurricane that was going to hit the southern tip of Texas. He told me that I should have called during the storm to let him know I was all right. -->> This had f7cked with me.. Mike told me ..before the strorm had hit that it had an extreme likely-hood to be the 'Big One' .. Hurricanes and real bad tropical storms are common down in deep Southern Texas..Mike told me he would be safe.. but i was scared as hell.. all the people i loved down there.. my boyfriend..who i loved so much.. he said he would be safe..my 'family' a very big Thing was coming..and i didn't totally know how to handle it.. it made national news.. the shores of the beaches down there were on the Weather Channel.. i kept vigil.. all way up here in Colorado.. i was terrified.. i didn't sleep. Mike was safe.. the hurricane turned into a typical tropical storm.. i called mMike alot and left messages.. ..i soon couldn't feel.. i cut myself.. bad. I was sick of the fact Mike wouldn't tell me strait up if he was ok. He could of called from his Mom's.. he didn't (wouldn't??) .. it really f7cked with me.. the storm had hit Texas.. but the hurricane was about to hit.. .. me. I was tired of it all. He refused to hear me out, interrupting at every breath. -->> ..yeh kind of happenes when your scared ..and your about to loose everything.. During what was the most important conversation of our relationship, I told him, "Listen to me." He said, "No...... No, no, no." -->> ..he said 'Negative,negative,negative.. and instead of saying.. 'Look ..we need some space and to re-think all this.. it was a continual downward spiral of fear.. .. we had talked the night right after the storm ..and we talked after he got the message that i had cut me. We kept going for on that call for more than 6 hours.. it was almost from midnight to the late morning.. i was grasping on ..trying to sort it out.. it must have been important to me.. trying to work it out as long as we did. Part 2 of this phone call followed the next night.. i was determined to make the best of all this.. exahusted as hell.. i was pulling all the stops that day to find a way to make him realise this would work.. little did i know.. there was this 'thin ice'.. and here..Mike came in tow.. onto the thin ice with a big fat elephant .. ..and so.. So, I told him goodbye. -->> Mike is mixing up time.. the 2 major conversations happened back to back..in a less than 48 hour period.. The following days he insisted on talking to me. He called at home and I didn't answer. -->> .. yeh ..i wonder why. So, he called at work. And I knew he wasn't serious when he told me that the only way I could keep him from committing suicide was if I agreed to talk to him on the phone from work that night. -->> ..it wasn't that simple.. i was feeling extremly suicidal.. but i was determined to figure this sh6t out.. we'd stayed up the whole night on the phone the day prior. ..this wasn't exactly over.. Mike was underestimating me in every regsrd..everything he ever told me that was positive he was taking out the shot gun and blasting.. he was turning into a hypocrit.. and the Elephant on the thin ice was getting bigger cuz it was feeding into all of this.. But still, I agreed. And I talked to him, and he wanted me to give him another chance, but he had been on thin ice since June, and he knew that. -->> .. i may have heard it.. but no..i didn't understand it til' the ice broke.. .. the fear and anxiety and the pain of the months to follow gave us some much needed space.. a new look at disiplining myself even more.. and the real fight was about to begin. The best friend i'd ever known.. he hurt me for the last time. I'm sure he didn't go out to do this.. or make it some point to. But he had f6cked with me. My whole life ..people always just had to 'Fuck' with me.. ..i'd been fucked.. what's next.. ?? .. acountability.. .. at least that's part of it.. the rest lies in moving forward.. and figuring out this little schizophrenic muscle called the heart.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   miércoles, enero 14, 2004 -->> ..leave the driving to us.. 'dealing pt.3 of whatever' ..Mikey's tale continues.. but 2 tales actually happened here..it plays like a sick romance novel.. and here i am poking the devil in the details.. :: Mike:The day after he left, I went to work with memories of our last night together. -->> ..these are the memories that continued to bring us hope.. but would continue to f8ck with me to this very day.. Then something you only see on tv happened... -->> ..more like a monster movie.. My sister and cousin were painting with watercolors at my house. When my sister took the brushes to the bathroom sink to wash them out, she dropped one in the trash can. She reached in to pull it out and found the condom wrapper from the night before. -->> .. his decision to reveal the truth here.. pretty much pivital..he could have said.. "o' well that's Dave's.. he was masturbating with it.. he's weird.." .. well he chose the truth.. ..the truth hurts.. and sometimes reveals the truth about others.. in this case it was a purge.. everybody out of the pool cuz the kid with the nuclear urine.. well he just pissed.. Immediately, she put two and two together and her world fell apart. -->> ..understandably.. the close knit family there..the wholesome Catholic ideal.. whatever the case.. Mike's perseption of his family ..and they of him was about to be put to the test.. this frail little community.. has a lot of 'dirty' little secrets.. and alot of the people there are gay.. it's not a big deal.. but acceptance in Harlingen, Texas of such things is scattered pretty thin. This common thinking down there ..this narrow mindset.. (no intentional dig on the Perezs').. had set into his family's core. Their hearts.. She sent my cousin home and called my other sister on the phone. She told her what she found and they discussed how to approach me about it. But my eldest sister didn't take the advice to stay calm. Instead, she went throughout the house and pulled every one of his paintings off the wall and smashed the glass frames on the hardwood floors. -->> .. this hurt me immensly.. Mike seemed to shrug it off.. but maybe he was just doing it so i wouldn't be as hurt.. he claims the pictures themselves were not damaged..but i have no proof of any of this..and i think he was making light of it so i wouldn't stress about it so much.. there were some heavier things going down.. those illustrations were heart felt.. alot of hard work went into them.. and they were for Mike.. they were his.. friend to a friend.. ..Kathryn prolly wanted to kill me.. i still think she hates me with all her being.. sometimes..when my mind f8cks with me.. it seems like Mike does too.. That evening, I left work to find one of my car tires was flat. I called my eldest sister to pick me up. She did, but said nothing on the way home. When I saw the glass on the floor I knew something was wrong and when she dumped the contents of the trash can on the floor in the hall, I was devistated to see the Trojan wrapper and used condom lying there. -->> .. here it goes.. She demanded the truth, which is what I told her. -->>Dammit.. And at that point my fledgling devotion to him was transformed into a strong desire to prove to everyone, especially my eldest sister -- to whom I always looked up to and felt would most understand, that our relationship was based on love and not sex. -->>..it became a twisted time.. by the time i got back to Colorado.. i was frustrated & sad.. i called my mawm early in the morning very exhausted..scared.. sad.. i was a week late actually..i'd stayed a little longer in Texas than i had initally planned.. obviously.. this guy i needed so much in my life..just couldn't up and come with me.. my Mawm tired as hell herself..looking like medusa.. picked me up in her goofy little Toyota.. lent me some money.. and was blathering i guess she thought was posotive.. we picked up some Milk at 7-11 ..and as i slowly headed back in the miserable direction tword the little disasterous pit where all this had started.. there was the bain of neiborly exsistance.. the most moronic people i've ever lived near.. were parked right in front of the 2 car drive-way on my side. No big deal..right.. well they were parked on both sides of the driveway..past issues of this created so many problems.. and the rule had been set. I went balistic.. maybe it was overreacting..i cannot deny it.. but exhaustion and emotion don't mix well for me.. and well.. here i was back dealing with the big and little things and the anxiety was back ..everything was real confusing..even more so.. and i'd better get stronger.. starting at this point.. or Mike was not going to be in the big picture. I screamed at the neibors thru the stairwell as i headed tword the basement.. to put my stuff away.. my mawm yelled at me to calm down.. i apologised to mawm but i said i was not sorry for yelling at the neibors.. cuz this is just retarded.. people running their red carpets over me.. all the time.. and well.. more red carpets were on the way.. and i was about to get run over even more.. I talked to him every night for hours. -->> ..Mike had been there for me in my darkest hours.. he still is.. there is more space now.. but..this time.. i had to stay as strong as i could even as my life here was unraviling like a mummy.. keeping his loosest bandages on..i wanted this so bad.. more than anything i've ever wanted..this was let known too many times.. maybe the reiteration helped..maybe it harmed it..whatever the case.. Vanessa was theree for him..Stephen & Rocky were.. and at the forefront.. i was.. i was there for him.. the best i could be.. feeling helpless to just go take back and head down there to go thru all this anxiety with him and help him cope like he helped me.. but well distance was once again a factor. Instant messanger and phone.. i was there the best i could be.. still dealing with stress atr school and cacthing up.. i was already falling behind..i even had to drop classes and stay late into the semester to finish the classes.. i called him from the school.. i was there.. and i helped the best i could. Something Mike seems to ignore.. but.. here's the devil right here.. now more details.. Calls out-of-state from Texas and to Texas from out-of-state. Every night. We talked more and more. My sister's disdain for him grew more and more and I wanted to prove to her more and more that he was my soul mate. -->>.. disdain from people i love and still loved.. later that disdain would grow into the heart of the one i love the most.. I admit that this was the stupidest thing I could have ever done. -->> .. it was and wasn't..this issue .. even the simple fact that Mike was gay..(yeh..it's simple..& if anyone could get overthemselves in this world..it'd be simpler)..it'd have to be faced if i was in the picture or not.. Mike would have to face it.. so would his family at some point. Kathryn was hurt.. and i'm still feeling so stupid myself for not just flushing the damm wrapper or whatnot. I also blame alot of this hell on myself.. but i'm the one that dwells ,right?? ..me the crazy one.. I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle his conditions but I was being stubborn and wanted to prove that this was the best kind of love ever. -->> ..i was learning.. still dealing with the anxieties of "here". I was doing the best i could to make myself better.. but i wasn't doing it fast enuff' for Mike.. i wasn't learning at his pace.. or how the 'normal' people do it. Mike's failure to tell me the douts .. while i am overwhelming for myself..i'm sure that didn't help Mike.. he clammed up.. times i asked him if he loved me.. he said either nothing or just..'Yeh'.. it was becoming so confusing.. but i still had that wonderful hope. Mike kept hurting me.. not telling me the truth.. not initially fibbing to me.. but not being strait up so many times.. he kept hurting me.. being vauge..not telling me strait up what was happening. communication was his weakest point. Something i knew we needed to improve.. hoped was going to happen. It did a little here and there.. but at least there was hope.. it pulled at me in so many differant directions..it was hell enuff' here.. but i wasn't down yet.. and everytime i got knocked down.. by my own doing..or something else.. i got right back up.. for me..for Mike.. It wasn't fair to him. In my heart, I knew we couldn't stay together, but I was living on false hope. -->> ..it wasn't false to me.. it kept me alive.. it kept him still in my heart ..it kept that fire burning.. it still burns.. it keeps me moving forward.. he pretended it was moving him forward..he looked at my light sometimes.. then he'd turn his back on me.. close his eyes and face the dark.. but i'd already more than seen his light.. i wanted this so bad.. i was drowning in love.. it was madness.. but there was still hope.. and i was on fire..it was driving me..tword maddness.. and was driving us ..a word Mike rearly used.."us" .. "me" ..or "him".. or "you".. rarely "us"..there was more hope than Mike realised.. but he needed a things to slow down.. he needed to speak up.. i did my best to give him these chances.. i must have failed.. but when i need to say something..i do. MIKE NEEDED TO TALK TO ME..STRAIT UP !! ..he was rarly good at this..but my heart stayed alive ..i was learning from past mistakes.. going as fast as i could tword him..burning desire..my heart lit like a manic olympic torch..this hope ..if it was false.. we sure made it feel real.. seems like an insult if it was false.. cuz he so wanted me to stay alive.. deep down.. he may have felt like this.. but we wanted it to work.. didn't we?? .. Mike had all these buckets of water he was filling ready to snuff it out.. and we didn't even know it.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   martes, enero 13, 2004 -->> ..what goes around comes around & around & around.. 'dealing pt.2 of 7?? ..i'm only doing this to get my side of a story into perspective.. Mikey is telling an important story.. an i told him i encourage it.. Mike rarely lets any emotion show in anything..or at least in this way..he is so reserved and phone calls baisically revolve around him being called at work..where.. he is at his computer.. working on the newspaper website and graphics for the paper..people are buzzing around him ..and generally.. it's not totally an applicable place to be talking intimatly or socialy to Mike.. but this is the place where the calls started to Mike..and for now.. this where they mainly continue. His work sometimes understands..sometimes it pissed the coworkers off.. i don't know what to say. If his attention is diverted and he needs me to call later.. i understand..i get realistic and call him later. The calls are much more differant now and there are days i don't talk to him cuz he's already left work. His days off..i make it a habit not to call him.. and it costs alot in phone cards..but it's important to me.. and i'm usually not on phone with him for to long.. but.. this is how it's been.. sometimes it's not 'real' .. and alot of times.. i was going out with this plastic person i wasn't even sure he was real.. i was dating a phone sometimes..or an Instant Message..this became our main ways of contact..it was a blessing and a curse.. and it also presented a challenge in understand emotions and understandind simply..'WHAT THE F7CK WAS GOING ON!?' .. many times ..when i was tripping out.. i simply didn't understand.. how could i?? Phone's only tell you so much.. so does AIM..it was never fair.. thus the tragedy of a "LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP" and going out with a phone and dating a schizophrenic who now had to face the fact that he now this thing called 'gay'..:: Italic are Mikey's words.. Only two or three months later, he planned to come back down. It was a hasty plan that he couldn't afford. But I promised to pay his bus fare, and even though it just added to my increasing debt problem, at least we could spend more time together. And he'd be happy. -->> My first trip down to Texas was so phenominal.. and i was desprate to go back.. Mike was paid back for this 2nd trip..but the money wasn't an issue.. i footed the bill for the San D trip..cuz i got lucky with some money.. but the longing was so strong for this first part of the year ..i needed to see him during spring break.. my time away from him was killing me within itself and the stress of me hiding this from everyone..including my whole family..and just about everyone else.. it happened so fast..by the time i got there.. i was really starting to get confused.. cuz.. unlike my first trip.. it got weird.. He arrived in mid-March and didn't leave until two days before Easter. He was at my house for two weeks, which didn't go over too well with my sister who was now living with me. At the time, my feelings for him were hidden from everyone, and trying to carry on a relationship with a manic depressive schizophrenic in the house I shared with my sister was no easy task. -->> ..the 'hidden fact' presented a # of problems with my second visit.. some of the little details missing are the fact that..not only had he been hiding the fact of me.. he'd not ever faced the fact that he was gay to his family.. it's not non-understandable.. they are very Catholic people.. Mike didn't ever know how to telll them.. he was scared..how would they all react if his family found out that he liked boys..this was a fact of who Mike was.. he'd come to terms with it..he even came out to his closest friends.. but never to some of the most important people in his life. He didn't even come out to me until after ..yes AFTER .. we admitted feeling for eachother.. he was hiding me.. he was hiding himself from his family..hiding himself from himself and the true nature of all this.. so..even tho' i was there ..i was just his "sick visting pal".. who liked Ninja Turtles. As soon as Mike picked me up from the Bus.. we were admittedly really umm.. 'Sexual'.. it was pretty normal.. i mean.. no contact with him for 3 + months takes it's toll even on that..and as soon as we'd settled where i was going to 'sleep' ..and where i was to keep my bags.. we went to the bathroom for a fairly intimate moment.. we almost got caught.. details are my buisiness and Mike's.. but i yeh.. i was in the bathroom with my boyfriend..i'd bairly been back at his house for 15 minutes.. Mike's family is pretty sociable.. and they never 'knock' .. his mom and dad and sisters always just.. came right on in.. no heads up..nothin'.. they wanted to go see Mikey.. they went right on in. It's the way it was. People knock when they want in my place.. even my family.. but well it's differant here. We're in the bathroom sharing a special momnet but.. to be blunt.. we were nearly caught with our pants down. His sister came in.. "hi,Mikey.. !!" ..He opened the bathroom door ..they knew i was in there.. but yeh..i was in the bathtub silent as hell and scared.. he lied to them of coarse..telling them that he was showing me the towels and where things were. Then he went out of the restroom.. so i startred jiggling my chains and pretended i was getting situated.. but this was the first of many ,many close calls.. ones that would test the very foundation of 'us'..yeh.. all this was hasty.. and it was becoming clear to me.. "What the f8ck was i doing there?? What was all this about??".. i got dark.. i got suicidal.. i got scared.. i got confused.. bad timing all around.. By the end of the trip, he was talking about moving down for good and "marrying" me. I smiled and agreed. We made plans for our future. -->>.. hasty..very ,VERY HASTY.. my bad.. what do you say when you are in love?? You say stupid sh7t.. He didn't want to leave and I told him I didn't want him to go, though inside I was growing weary of the trouble his mania caused. On one occasion, he ran from me in Wal-Mart parking lot. He dared me to chase him, but promised he was fast and I would never catch him. I drove back home and waited for his phone call. When he finally called, he exclaimed that he couldn't handle life anymore and he was going to jump off an overpass. Once again, I argued and talked him into revealing his location so I could pick him up. -->> ..this incedent happened within the first few days of me being there.. Mike's big sister ;Kathryn was in transition herself.. constant claims that Mikey wasn't 'himself' anymore.. she also was craving her little brothers attention.. they are a close knit family.. but Mike was getting divided.. here i so wanted to spend time with him.. but his family generally & understandably needing him.. this was presenting a great conflict.. i didn't mean it to.. Katt often was so depresed and angry..and Mike's attention tword me was hurting her.. she wanted to spend time with her little brother.. but what could i do?? Me and her went out and did stuff..i got to know Mike's family alot better.. and Kat,Jolie, Mr. and Mrs.Perez..his little cousins.. i was really falling in love with them.. they are wonderful and i consider them family.. especially Katt. Kathryn and Mike had a real good relationship growing up..thye spent alot of time together.. even know that they were big.. watching movies and doing stuff.. Katt was and still is Mike's firend as much as his sister.. i was there in Texas for a little bit longer.. i understand how there would be conflict now.. but at the time. I didn't.. i didn't know how to handle all this hiding and dodging and fibbing to these wonderful people.. and to keep having Mike cover for us.. to keep hiding from Kathryn and the near constant close calls. Me and him were in bed together.. and i constantly had to hop into the guest bed and mess it up and make it look like i was sleeping in it..cuz Katt was heading back from the little apartment in the backyard where she slept into the house to cook or whatnot.. .. it became this big game..and it took it's toll. Kathryn was someone who became the wrench in the works.. i liked her so much..she became this new friend..and we were doing this stuff right under her nose. i guess she was Mike's favorite sister.. he even told me she'd be the one he'd come out to first..of his famiy memebere.. cuz she'd understand cuz they were so close.. he was wrong. Another instance, he began having a siezure at my house, where he broke a glass bottle over his head and attempted to slit his wrist with a shard of glass. It was all I could do to pull the glass away from him. He still managed to cut himself. -->> ..this happened at a point where i needed to feel so bad..i hated me and i was despratly numb.. i couldn't talk to Kathryn about it without revealing the whole issue. Mike was in the other room watching T.V. with Kathryn.. everyone got sleepy.. and i didn't know.. i knew i needed to feel.. and i was real hurt cuz i was running out of time to spend with Mike.. i had to go back to school in a matter of days.. and i didn't know how Mike was supposed to divide his time between his normal routines and me.. it just sucked.. i'm sad i needed to feel. ..i'm sorry it happened.. ..for what it worth , i didn't cut myself all over like i normally do.. but i did draw blood.. and made Mike shake.. after i came to.. i was ashamed.. i was beoming something i was not ready to face.. i thought i was ready.. but i wasn't.. ..maybe i'd said i was "bi-" ..i still use that..but i'm also gay.. it's part of that.. can't help it. I'm also schizophrenic.. i also don't handle myself to well. I was also in the most stressful relationship of my life..and i wanted it to work so badly.. so did Mike. ..too much happened during this visit.. and Mike didn't speak up 'til it was too late. He didn't want to, but finally, he went back up north, promising he would do everything he could to move down and live with me... his angel. I even said that he didn't have to leave if he didn't want to. But, inside we both knew he had to go back. -->>The trauma this caused within the many weeks to follow would invovle so many emotions.. and realiZations.. and we almost broke up.. the thing is we were already 'breaking up mentally'.. Secrets,hiding,dodging.. i even had an odd visit with a the local holy woman.. a very good friend of the Perez family and a lady who had helped them thru many a family crisis..a 'curandera'..a fairly holy woman.. not a perfect lady.. but she is very spiritual..and she is also very much a modern day folk doctor. The 2 visits i had with her were ok.. but i didn't understand if i was seeing a phycic or what.. but this was important to Mike and his Mom.. and i trust them..so.. i went there she praid.. Mike even thinks she started to suspect that me and him were invovled.. but it also turned out to be an uncoomfortable thing..and in the long run..i think it was good. It even got me and Mike's mom talking very deeply about things..and had me seriously consider my stance on suicide. I really respect Mrs. Pere.. and fully understand Mike's closeness to her. I love her alot. The trip was kind of traumatic all around. Especially for Mike. But the good/bad thing was.. it set into my heart.. it confirmed my love for Mike..and twords the end..it got very memorable and romantic. Me hanging in there..and dealing with all this silliness.. it was about love..it was not about the stupid game we had to play to get thru this.. i was starting to understand how difficult this was.. and i was not going to let it stop me from trying to stick with Mike. Simply going to the beach early in the morning..holding Mike..walking along the stars..picking up sea shells..and watching the U.F.O.s fly over Mexico.. i even got to got to Mexico .. i even got to just lay in the park with Mike and watch the stars.. someting i've done many times by myself..something Mike rarly did..and something simple neither of us were ever able to share and yeh..i was happy. All this happened so fast,tho'..so many more little details ..like secrets about one of my best friends ..Mike had these secrets he kept from me..i was ok with it.. but little things helped to build up alot of uneeded frustration .. and next thing i know..i'm on may back to Colorado..uncertain,depressed as hell..missing Mike the instant i got back on the bus.. and not knowing if i was gonna even see Mike again.. and definatly not prepared for the days to follow .. who would have thought 1 condem could cause so many problems.. But it was about to get even more complicated. ..more like 'next to impossible' .. Mike was about to be forced out of the closet.. and we were about to be found out.. ..pshh..'Go Greyhound!!' .. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   lunes, enero 12, 2004 -->> ..flat on your face a big disgrace..'dealing pt.1 of 7??' ..good therapy.. alot of my 'so called 'fine-art' ahs been good therapy.. ..so this blogg has become a 'therapy' ..not really alot of people read it.. but well..it's my thoughts..out there.. and insight from where i am at with those people that care about me..from where i am at in a moment i type something.. and maybe entertainment fodder for some more morbid individuals.. i don't know.. ..this is the first part of me sorting this all out.. it's gonna be a big BIG week starting today.. and i'm running on fear. ..i did sleep for a few hours after i hung up with Mike on the phone last night..i have been so nervous and scared.. but i had been getting exhausted.. i put some of my laundry away,updated Mike's site.. then just crashed. Mike suggested it. I followed.. but i woke up in great fear.. so.. to the computer.. check email real quick..there is a message from the 'main guy'..i am about to become subject of his blog once again.. and i appreciate him letting me know.. "-->>".. .. this is a force of habit..people ask me why i do it.. well i dunno.. i used to do it to seperate what i was saying when i replyed to an email.. ex. ---------------------------------------- From: monkey@bananamail.com On Jan.11 2003 monkey@bananamail.com wrote: >> OOK OOK OOK ?? (me) -->> Yes ,monkey.. ook ook!! >>OOK EEK EEK?? -->>Yes,monkey.. EEk eek!! ..thank you for typing to me.. love ~tOkKa -------------- ..that's where it came from.. my emails.. arrows pointing to what i say.. no big deal.. .. but the bold-ed arrows are directly what i replyed to Mike's private message to me.. partly it was private.. but it was also a reply to him and his draft of blogg he has started to post on his own blog.. ..this is not to exploit anything Mike is typing.. he is the most important thing to me.. ..and while i really shouldn't look at it this way.. i feel it.. it's so incredibly strong.. and right now that is mixing with the great fear i am feeling.. i think what i posted prior to this is kind of what rattled Mike to finally get his thoughts out.. but it's important.. and as far as what i typed.. yes..it was kind of a 'funk' .. but it's also how i felt within that moment.. i stand by it. In also relise..the stances i take are not popular. ..again..the following "-->> quotes are from my reply to Mike.." ..none of these words are from him.. just my replys to something i typed to him that you will never read.. just these few my quotes..i'm trying to make myself understand.. (..and that's if you choose to read).. ..ok..enuff.. let's see.. ..how to do this.. .,there are things that should have been said a long time ago.. issues that could have made my relationship with Mike better.. 'to Mike:'-->> ..should have been said a long time ago.. better late than never ..some people can express themselves better in writing than vocally.. Mike is one of those people.. -->> .... i think you are so used to writing.. i've had to drag stuff out of you. It's not bad.. it's just how it works.. i didn't get it at first.. now i do.. you are a grammaricaly inclined person (if that's a word).. you read .. i think what i posted yesterday on blogg.. i think it makes you nervous..i kind of always have.. ..i'm sorry about that. You do help me.. i'm not sorry about that.. ..some of what Mike posts in his feelings a already knew..or suspected..some was news to me.. -->> ..some i suspected.. some points are wrong.. and some are based on your perspctive based on what you see. ..Mike is a very heart-felt and emotional person.. he has feelings..i may not always agree with his opinion.. or his attitude or feelings.. he does the same to what i express..what he expresses is truth to him/by him..what he feels.. .. -->> .and it's very important.. ..i apologise alot.. gees.. -->> ..i'm sorry ..alot happened within the past year plus.. i've changed..things got different.. -->> ..it got better..it got differant.. ..i ran away alot.. i broke down alot..i handle myself..better?? ..about handling myself.. -->> .. am i a little better at this?? ..Mike is financially tied.. but i payed him back..when he he even spent money on me..he didn't make it clear he was hurting financially.. -->> ..i payed you back.. ..i moves so fast.. time is not understood by me.. but i moved to fast and wanted to marry him.. i screwed up.. -->> I'm sorry.. i told you that.. ..i have ben in extreme suicidal / manic / schizophrenic episodes before..for lack of what better things to call them.. Mike had never faced this.. he prolly never should have.. but it happened.. i am sick.. but even tho' i am..i still accept responsibility for what i did.. i f7cked up.. it was wrong of me..i know.. but it was not my head and my overwhelmed state at the time.. to hold it against me.. is not fair.. again..Mike should not have had to face it.. but he's not alone.. -->> .. this type of stuff had happened with other people to.. i'm sorry it did happen..it was not intentional.. i'm doing my best to avoid these things.. the other night..you helped me.. it got bad.. but thru August- til' a better part of now.. i've had to fight not only incedents like that and even just cutting and burning.. alone. .. more often than not i've handled it better than i did.. and on my own ..it's been pure hell.. but i do it.. ..you are with me in those regards.. that within itself is hard to deal with.. but well.. your here.. i do listen to you.. and you are in my heart. ..i broke down ..i had a seixure one time at Mikes// i smashed glass bottle on my head.. and i cut myself..i was ovrwhelmed as hell.. Mike thinks it was easy for me?? ..no.. he knows better.. -->> ..i'm sorry.. ..things got complex..and he got hurt.. -->> i didn't mean it to.. ..Mike's sister found my condem wrapper in the trash after i left Texas.. -->> i wish you'd have just told her i was masturbating with it.. ..Mike was about to be 'outted'.. uncomfortably.. i felt extremly unfairly.. and it was pure hell for him..i was there for him the best i could and the anxiety here flew.. -->> .. i was there for you the best i could be.. .. i was.. ..i still am.. ..we talked all the time.. Mike's family grew to really,REALLY dislike me..it got harder for Mike.. -->> ..it was pure hell on your end.. ..there was so much false hope.. -->> ..yeh..i kind of get alot of that.. ..In July..Comic Con came around.. his family thought all these 'scandelous things' were going to happen..they knew he was gay now.. but in the story of 'us' ..only 1/2 the truth had been exposed.. and as far as nuclear family..only my sister Sara knows now.. -->> Well.. you need to understand.. that only 1/2 the truth has been told.. your family.. what happens when mine finds out.. beyond Sara..i don't know.. neither do you. ..at the con- ..mike wanted so many things to do.. people he loved.. and wanted to see.. and just to chill..i really needed to mostly be with Mike..at this point in the relationship.. me needing to be with Mike was so long felt.. yeh.. i knew i'd die without him.. it was a real short chance for me to be with him.. we failed to make things clear about what we expected out of this trip.. and it became something very bittersweet. -->> You didn't make that clear to me.. maybe there wasn't time.. maybe there just wan't that chance.. ..i didn't understand then.. i understand now. ..i embarrased Mike.. i embarassed myself nore in front of all my friends ans in front of the man i've idolized scince i was a kid.. Mike seesm to hold it against me..i'm not sure.. -->> .. i didn'y mean to.. don't hold it against me.. i hold enuff of that against myself.. .. i tryed to work it out.. Mike tryed to help me sort it out.. -->> ..and you did.. ..i so wanted to be with my friends during this special time in San D.. Mike so often forgets that hsi friends are mine as well and it sucks.. cuz he makes it like he is the one that just had this connection to all these peopel..and that i was just his schizo pal..totally in new waters and not knowing anyone or anything.. .. but for the most part.. just a few handfuls of physical contact with my love of my life.. even if i didn't meet my idol.. or even go to the con.. i really ,mostly needed to be with Mike.. we didn't plan well.. and i longged to be with him.. i reacted but tryed to sort it out and make it better.. but the communication was quelled a bit.. and what is done is done.. he reacted.. i reacted.. -->>..can you blame me tho' ??.. ..i got real confused at this Breakfast..on the 4th short, and last day.. of this quick time of this quick con.. and the last physical contact i'm gonna have with my best freind.. my boy-friend.. ..i got confused.. we bairly slept.. we had to go to leave San D on the bus.. in jsut a few short hours.. now i'm supposed to meet my idol with all my friends.. in a breakfast that was an exclusive time to just our group.. and not a damm single time was i even able to interject a thought cuz all the friends were just trying to cram in all this 'fan-boy' stuff to this person whos work inspired me so.. .. so Mike became embarrased.. & so in his eyes i was just rambling and complaing like some Tourettes case.. and i embarrased him.. .. i did't understand the conditions of what the hell was happening.. and it happened so fast.. and Mike doesn't really seem to look at that..so he was embarrased.. --> >..no.. i didn't understand.. why don't you get that.. i don't always understand what's going on.. ..i took a break from the situation.. i did what i had to do to calm down.. i talked to a good friend.. she helped me understand this period of time.. -->> ..i came back..i saw Kevin.. i did my best to work it out.. ..you know that. .. i had the best times of my life with my loved one .. and i couldn't take this 'away time' anymore..it was going so fast and so much time away was f7cking with me so bad.. i got suicidal.. and needed to feel more..i cut myself and burned me.. -->> ..i'm sorry.. ..Mike thought about all the cutting .. he knew it would continue.. ..he knew i would die if he left.. he knew i would cu myself.. ..i proved myself wrong.. i proved him wrong.. i continue to fight.. .. he seemed to look the other way when i fought.. i'm not dead.. -->> ..well i'm still here.. for what it's worth.. .. the longing was to strong by august.. i needed to knwo that Mike was ok.. -->> ..again.. can you blame me?? ..Mike based my confusion on the distance factor.. and suddenly confusing things that happened..things i could not sort out.. cuz they happened on the spur of the moment.. and i walked into them..suddenly ..it's 'jelousy' on my part.. -->> Yeh..it was still a fairly new ..the relationship.. maybe not totally.. but what am i supposed to think 1000s of miles away?? ..i wanted to be there for Mike as much as he wanted to be there for me.. maybe even manically so..i'm sorry for the manic part.. but not for caring.. -->> .. yeh.. it's hard to tell if you are blaming me..and holding that against me.. ..Hurricane came.. i freaked out.. i thought Mike was dead.. he was safe.. i got scared.. i needed to feel..i cut myself..i called Mike..left a message.. ..i screwed up..bad..Mike wanted to break up cuz of this..and that what started a whole new ball game.. -->> I already know i f8cked up there.. ..Mike was fried of this..and he didn't think i was lsitening.. he suddenly thought i had this 'disdain of life' .. when all we really needed was to slow down..gain a little clarity.. -->> i do listen to you.. do you listen to me?? ..i guess i'm not totally clear to you. ..it was supposed to be 'Goodbye' .. Mike hung up.. -->> .. yeh.. ..i was going to kill myself.. right after he hung up on me.. then i left a long series of manic calls treying to sort it out.. but when i had first tryed to kill my self.. -->> I was serious.. ..then i got angry..and driven to the impossible.. ..Mike put me on 'thin ice' .. i struck out 3 times.. and i was out.. but when Mike was up to the plate.. he struck out 100s and 100s of times.. but it was 'ok' cuz he was normal.. and those normal people are not like us 'crazy' ones.. so..he could hurt me time after time.. and sometimes it jusr became.. 'OK'.. but i was on 'thin ice' -->> ..i didn't know.. ..i embarrased him.. but really ..REALLY?? .. i embarrased myself.. -->> ..i embarrased myself.. that's sh6t i'm still paying for.. it wasn't you..it was me.. Mike inability to communicate.. and my inability to understand and let him get a word in edge wise..that we needed space and that we had lives ..we needed to work and needed some space.. i failed to let him tell me to be 'realistic'.. but.. -->> .. i'm learning.. ..i was never trying to threaten you.. ..i was supposed to diapear.. he prolly wanted me to.. but i didn't..i'm not loosing my friend..maybe i understand alot of this..some of it i don't..at least i try..at least i do.. -->> ..what do you expect me to so tho' .. i am going on with life the best i can.. but you left alot of important ,good marks ..and some life changing ones on my life.. you also left some incredible wounds.. and that's someting i'm trying to sort out and heal.. ..Mike can't speak plainly.. i guess alot of people can't..i try not to hold it against them..but no matter how hard i try to make myself clear to others.. here ..i am.. trying to help others make them selves clear to me.. but Mike can't always say the words..i drag some of them out..but..he generally can't..his life is not easy.. -->> ..it's ok..you can't..more often than not speak with your own voice clearly to me.. that's also who you are.. i pretty much expect it now.. it's not wasy to deal with.. but what in my life is?? ..You express thru' the written word so very well. ..i call him..still..we're sick of it sometimes.. sometimes..it's nice.. -->> .. i'm not proud that i call alot ..to work things out.. it's part of life.. i can't totally justify it.. but it is important to me. ..i love Mike and his family as my own..i didn't mean it to be this way..but it is..i do send gifts..and i do create for Mike..it's part of what i am.. i don't know why..but it is. -->> the dark times..i try to get over it.. you know the incredible anxiety..and the less optomistic aire- of these times.. ..i wish i could talk to Mike at home.. but it's not so simple to do so..except in a great once- in- awhile -->> ..i do my best to make it as easy as i can.. i don't purposly call to give you a hard ,difficult time.. i keep working on it.. i am getting better at not making it just 'so' impossible for you to concentrate. ..i want to live near Mike.. i want to be with him.. -->> ..i'm sorry.. ..alot of people don't like me..where i want to go to.. but i love them.. but..that's something that just seemingly isn't understood. -->> I'm aware alot of people don't like me much there. You knew ..i know.. ...where i am looking tword heading is fairly hostile.. Mike doesn't fully understand..it's not about the area.. but the person that's driving me.. ..part of it.. he does tho' .. -->> ..maybe this next big step for me is 'initiative'.. ..i'm listening to my heart..i am moving on the best way i know how.. however.. i may well be about to fall flat on my face.. that reality.. may verily well become a fact.. i may get very very hurt.. will i get the ultimate pain?? or am i trying to make things better.. maybe radically so.. ..but am i not working.. trying to make ammends.. and learn from my mistakes?? ..is Mike?? -->> i assume we are.. making things better.. working,learning.. going on.. i assume.. i hope.. Mike knows it's time to move ahaead.. to move forwrd.. -->>..i am..you are..we are.. you need to see that we are moving forward.. ..we are moving..my ambitions may be uncomforatble,somwhat blind and un-clear.. but so is my life.. i'm supposed to be dead. -->> ..i'm not giving up my ambitions.. they seem impossible..especially now.. but if i slip up.. it takes an incredible amount of strength from me to sort it out and not repeat the mistakes of the past.. you still have me in whatever regard. And if you are moving on and i am moving on.. and i'm still in your heart.. that's pretty much all i have to go on. I can't go around saying.. 'O ..Mike's my boyfriend..' .. but i can say 'Mike is my best friend..' ..again..i'm sorry it's like this now.. but Mike.. you impact is far beyond words sometimes.. and if you don't think that's not a posotive thing.. you'll have to trust me on that. ..i am still afraid.. of all of this.. of totally loosing Mike all together.. not even to have him as a friend.. afraid of what this day will bring.. phychosis.. ..all this is happening at great GREAT time of change for me..for Mike.. water is under the bridge.. but water still leaves it's mark.. ..the complexity of the whole thing is enuff' to give me 50,000 headaches.. ..but the simple baisis of all this.. this blogg.. this life of mine.. this confused realtionship.. i have with my best friend.. is love. ..that has always been special to me.. and so many times it has been exploited. ..perhaps this whole thing is unfair to Mike.. it's also very unfair to me..moving forward.. ?? I am.. Mike is.. it started already.. maybe we are in differant phases as such.. One thing.. Mike never 'EVEr knew.. in the flesh.. anyone like me.. vice-versa.. ..his marks are more profound than those scars on my body.. .. ..sometimes.. too.. i just want to play 'Mario Bros.' .. resting time.. i'll pick this up later.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   domingo, enero 11, 2004 -->> ..i hate you..i love you..g'night.. ..drenched in ..'inner' pain.. yeh.. it's just.. something you blow off.. let it go.. .. everyone has to let things go.. at times.. i mean.. if you loose a 100 dollar bill off the exposed top floor.. of the Empire State Building..say it's a blustery day.. ~~~you take it out of your bill fold.. butter fingers.. ~~~ **Bwwwoosh.. there it goes.. it slips out of your hands ..sure.. your broke..and 100 bucks is alot of money.. if only you can make like Inspector Gadget..extend your arm out and reach the damm bill as it blows away..forever. But.. odds are..your gonna have to let it go. ..i'm out of energy for details and to explain them.. this sh6t ass blog get's long enough on the text as it is.. and really prolly the amount of people that read this crap is like a drop in the bucket of nothing ( and if you are..understand i appreciate it..i do ).. but i went out late got back not feeling.. i did call Jo before i left.. we were gonna hook up ..but Saturday was not kind to him ..so we scrapped the plans. I needed to feel when i came back.. this need is getting stronger.. to feel,to bleed,to burn.. i explained it to Joe and Mike.. it's like a damm mildew;a sponge..i absorb all this sh8t..and it goes right to the core.. it is all on the inside.. the rest of me needs to feel on the outside cuz it's so much easier to face the feeling on the out than in. When i got back..of coarse i call Miguel.. i smashed glass on the floor.. and collapsed... once again..ready to jab the shards into me.. and while feeling this..i realised that being dead is the logical means to get out of all of this. Then i start to fight it .. with Mike's help.. i start to sort it out.. now the same person who says i don't listen to him..is here.. on the phone..working with me & i'm listening. Thing is..i just don't 'listen' the way Miguel would have me 'listen'. But.. i'm here..still not feeling..except my head..i smacked my head and squeezed some ice.. best i can do.. but at least i'm not bleeding or burning. It's pathetic.. this 'NEED' to call Mike.. as much as i do.. whenever possible. It really is. We're so sick of eachother sometimes.. maybe his break last week was good..and the fact i didn't get to talk to him was good. Maybe we both needed that.. i don't know. Mike needs my help in ways he won't admit.. he's not looking for it.. and he places me on the shelf of things he'd seem he'd take for granted.. then suddenly.. when crisis kicks in.. it's .. his 'Care-hypocracy' .."..it's ok for me to say and do this ..blah blah.. but don't kill yourself.. don't get weak.. but it's ok for me to get weak..do what i say.. but i won't do what i say.." ..it comes out so confusing..sometimes i don't know if i understand what he's saying. But it's not all hypocracy.. some of it is truth-whatyouwannahear-shutup..he'll tell me the truth as to what he beleives.. but it seems like he's saying just cuz i want to hear it.. but it's also to shut me up.. ..and sometimes it's mutual understanding.. and sometimes we just breath while we work or talk about fun stuff or what happened in a day. Whatever..it's a continual part of life..it gets me thru'.. drives me crazy.. and yes.. i'm afraid to say..Mike is dragging me along.. but i don't think it's intentional.. but ..i'm a little fried on the hypocracy. I need some finality here in this idiot city.. and someday.. hopefully.. i can figure this 'Mike' thing out. Miguel just wants this efferVESANT..gay,happy normal life..then he steps into the arena.. and now he's got a schizophrenic thorn in his side.. and the schizo has got this big rock in his shoe as he walks. Some Finality would be nice. .. Jo suggested i hop a freight and go down there.. jsut for the f6ck of it.. just for me. Jo has a good point.. i've chased trains before.. but never hopped one.. Jo has.. i just may.. "Don't let the money stop me.." Jo is a genius in sheeps clothing..i called him right after i hung up with Mike. Jo had left a message on my machine to call..so i did. We talked the usual 'dark' shpeel out .. Jo does help me on these rare occasions what is what.. and stands by the anti-suicide thing. I'm lucky to have Jo.. and i severly disagree with him and Mike... after the past 6 moths or so.. I VERY MUCH DISAGREE!! .. in fact .. i'm pissed. But Jo makes me realise.."Mike also has a family dealing with alot.. and as far as 'he is gay'.. they may accept it.. but they don't fully.. apperantly.. i'm not there.. i'm not in Harlingen.. i'm not there for him to love in person." Mike has his own issues.. sure.. he's strong..and a big boy.. but there are certain things.. major ones on boths sides of our fence very unfair..some unrealistic.. and some that spew out more questions. That's a relationship.. it's not what it was before.. in fact it's alot worse.. better in some ways. Mike is life for me.. and i have no idea how the f6ck i'm gonna get thru the next 5 months. We're sick of eachother.. yet we're not.. there is love.. but it's twisted and undefined.. it's all 'uncertain' .. f8ck. I've had to let so much 'go' ..and now i "HAVE TO STAY ALIVE" .. ok..we keep that going.. me alive. But i have to let my heart go?? I have to let all that matters to me go?? Yes.. even Mike?? .. all my life..all that's dire and essential..just let it go.. Not this time.. ..i'll fight ..again.. the best i can.. try to fight my own hypocracy..but i'm incredibly weary of this pain.. and i have to live with it..?? No.. i'm going to do my best to figure this sh7t out or die trying.. i will try to be realistic as any guy who talks to tigers.. ..and once again..the blog entry trails off.. ..it's hard ball time.. and it may get worse before it gets better.. and if it doesn't get better.. ..i don't know.. people have it worse than me.. .. but i'm not people. .. right now.. a 1000 dollaer bill is more real than me. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..