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@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
sábado, enero 24, 2004
-->> 
..less bitter..more Sweet n' sour..
..Rumina Sato.. .. gee whizz.. w0w.. >8}
..think i've found a new sport..
..this week proved short..the first week back.. ..yeh i tried to get in
..the feelings that every little thing awkward to classes ..classes started Monday.. i didn't get my schedule in the computer 'til Thursday.. i'm in the MATH 060.. the follow up class to the one i took in the fall. I've not been to 1 class and alreay i've got over 15 pages and 2 chapters to cover..weird.
It's been a sour week.. i had to be candid to Mr.Olsen.. he's as close to me as my father..and anymore.. honesty is the best policy to him. The man has become my mentor of sorts and the strongest male figure. He needs to know things cuz..me expressing myself to him are few and far between. It took me forever to get tot speak with him when i finally got on campus.. i even ended up missing my shrink appointment. In fact..as soon as i got up to the classroom.. he started a class.. i' wasn't even in the computer with my own classes.. except for 2..( i needed 2 more ..Mr.Olsen is also my teaching advisor for classes ..). As soon as he told the class i had a 'Tool list' of art supplies they had to buy.. i just wlaked out of the room..i stopped feeling and went to the handicap department and said.. 'i quit'.. i was going to drop it all. No classes,no job, no degree.. no anything.. the secratary called Mr.Olsen.. he was counting on her to calm me down. I wasn't in a fury.. i was just on overload.. but at some point i did get a little private time to talk to Mr.Olsen.
The context of the conversation i had with him was parts of the things happening at home,my parents.. and Mike. I told him.. i need direction and focus.. i want to graduate. The outcome of the conversation was 1/2 way.. i mean ..i got some of it out..what he needed to know.. but we had to rain check the conversation 'til a later date. Leveled off .. i've been doing the best i can to take things as they come.
I'm in a Computer Graphics 2 class..which involves the class producing and putting together an annual competition art/poetry booklet.. while the art within is not ours.. it is an actual product ..with a commitee,deadline,design challenge involved.. the production & design will be handled in teams of parts of the class and our grades will reflect everything according to how the booklet ends up as the finished product. This is an extremly intense class i had sat in before.. people were sweating bullets for this class. I did not know this was the class i was signing up for yesterday (idiot me..) and well.. my nerveswere real jittery.. i do Kris ; the teacher..so i told him i had douts about it.. i have alot of advantages too.. the book is being done near 100 % in 'In Design'.. and a bit in Quark.. the prior i'm really familier with so.. plus being at the school so much anymore will equal alot of lab time if i so choose.. one of my best pals ; Jasen is in it..i mean..i also got the teachers reassurance that it will go smoother than his prior classes. This booklet i guess is bi-annual.. but it involves an incredible anount of focus and drive.. a drive i'm waining on anymore.
Some really sweet talks to Mike and stuff helped.. staying with my funny ol' deaf friend ;Jasen & i were in the lab on Friday and that was cool and like old times.. we salavged a bunch of art supplies that the head b7tch of the department demanded be thrown out.. they were still real good,Design markers and Crayolas mostly.. but all real good stuff. Jasen will donate the Crayolas to the kids at his church and i tool the design markers.
But suppressed a little but still there is that dark void that i despise..
..i get fried on the heads and the tigers chewing on me.. and the paranoia.. and all the little ,awkward and wrong and dumm things i do are the biggest mistakes of life..
..I lay so much guilt on me.. and the logic of death increases every moment.
..i have a plan.. devised in the back of my mind.. it will erase me.. yet make everyone happy that i won't what they think i'm going to do..
.. ultimatly these choices are mine,my life.. and the reprecusions can always work themselves out in the end.. but i need to make those reprecusions as light as possible on the people i love. My plan will hopefully l be ok.
Pain ,anxiety,fear,questionable air,heads,sharks, and running with tigers.. schizophrenia or not..the maddness is here and it rules me. I am fighting..i really am.. Mr.Olsen listed accomplishment after acomplishment.. that i even made it this far after the shit from August.. but i'm still looking for some posotive stuff by May.. maybe i will get some even some semi-great news.. maybe i'll grauate.. maybe not.. whatever the case.. my plan will need to be researched more.. i don't know.. i'm real dizzy now.. and real sad anymore..
..and the darkness wells.. and i fight.. i fight.. another big thing weighing heavy??
Joyce is strongly encouraging me to come out..
.. come clean about all of this past year, Mike, and a decision i've made, and feeling i still feel and struggle with.. all this.. to come out to
..my father.. ..>v<
miércoles, enero 21, 2004
-->> 
.. running away forward..not a man..but a ..
..aahhgh..
..i'm irritated that i'm irritating.
..so irritated ..the typos are plentiful this morning,sorry.
.."The past 2 dyas have been a drag.. 2 futile attempts to get my pastey a55 to school ended up in to days instead of me being so scared i just end up calling to check in with Mr.Olsen (teacher) and the handicap department where i so often just start most of my days going into the school. I know i have to go in. I have to face this like like a man. But..i just can't do it. I don't know how to go in to school anymore..i don't know how to face my days anymore.. to handle myself in school. This miserable place ..a constant reminder that i'm a failure in my own academic rights. It's all i've ever known.. being in school scince K-12..never graduating that. Just moving on to more school from there.. 6 1/2 years after that..i'm more educated ..but still i have no degree..no documentation or proof high school.. no documentation that i've even been in school all this time.
I could go out for a job right now.. and all i would have to show for anything is an acedemic record that looks like it was thrown up by some monster after having a bad case of 'education indegestion'. The only jobs outside of school i've kept were only on the baisis..'that i was continuing school'. School is the fearful..near pointless bane of my exsistance. If i hear the term ..even jokingly 'career student' ..1 more time..i will strongly consider finding the rustiest knife i can find and slash my wrists with it and as i bleed i'll pour granulated salt the wounds (of coarse..this is just an example of my feelings so.. slow down.. down freek out on me..).
This continual coarse has so drained me..repetative and stupid. I got lost in a system that would soon as just forget me and have me purged. If i up and died right now..it would be no sweat offm the state of Colorado's back or..really.. anyone elses' back. I'm not being a man about how i feel about this.. i'm being a mouse about it. Monday was a holiday..i know.. but the moronic school is extremly predjudice or just plain f6cked up..every single M.L.K. Jr. day they have had open.
Tuesday the snow came in.. pretty heavy..not real bad.. i could have taken the bus either of these days.. but i didn't.. i didn't get out of bed when i could have.. i didn't face the days at the school..figure out my classes.. or anything. I now i had reasonable excuses. It's also been common the past few semesters..it takes me a couple weeks to get 'into' the groove of it and adjust to new classes and stuff. I've also been dead out of cash..i had to go pawn some suff..which i've had to do before to get by..selling some excess videos,cds and albums..just to make some measly $$ to get by until Friday when i get paid.. i won't even start making any real money from my silly job at the school 'til the beginning of February.
Money is tight.. and schizo is stuck stepping on egg shells.. wiped out from the pure stupidity of a weekend out of control and taking the blame for stupid white people who don't know how to handle themselves like the so called 'normal' people they are. It's a frustrating time..so much so..i'm needing to feel so much.. burning myself is always an option.. a staple.. but even that is a fight within itself.. not burning me or cutting me..when i so need to. Always wanting to die.. having seemingly come full circle to that. going back to fighting for awhile but feeling so overwhelmed in the process to struggle and fight.. a repetative process.. all of this.. maddness.. tigers,heads, false hope and the possibility that yeh.. i'm not ever going to find my way as long as i 'hang in there'. These are things i guess noone but me will ever understand and it's a fight so often i'm loosing more and more..
..or so it seems..
Last year about this time..so much confusion had played into my life.. i'd wondered where the f7ck i was, what i was doing.. i knew i was in love.. i thought i could handle it. i thought i could handle the confusion..the label..the hiding from all the people i hold dear..the fear that they would find out about this new 'secret' i had. This way of life that..kind of had always been there.. but was only part of life.. a supressed little thorn.. that fully came to the surface..the instant i caved into my heart.
I get so angry anymore when i see people dig in on people..no not 'Gay people' ..people.. Gay people are people.. and that fucking idiot in the White House has the gaul to say what is marriage and what isn't.. from the time he was plopped in the White house illegally.. he has just strutted his stuff like the rooster in the hean huse.. and even after he got his head chopped off..he still kept strutting.. coem hell or high water..this evil fucker was going to do whatever the hell he wants.. spend money that doesn't even exisit.. leaving my neice and all these little ones here in this generation to foot the bill of future nursing home candidates and skeletons. It's wrong.. he is wrong.. and he not only ..along with so many others.. is attacking people.. good people. But he is attacking love.
Love in general..is more than anything definable.. no man.. no one .. especially an evil Christian who hides behind a big ass Bible.. kills people in the name of 'freedom' and plays god..breakes all of the commandments.. only tells people what he wants them to hear.. and what they seem to want to hear. A cowward in wolves clothing.. and while i'm not sure Al Gore would have been any better.
At least Gore was smart.. and not so 'Rehersed'. gore knew he wasn't the best at presenting himself. So much so ..he even poked gun at himslef cuz the medias made him this 'robo-tree' ..stale and mono-tone'.. what's done is done..but no..i'm not convinced things like 9-11 wouldn't have happened.. but i'm not convinced the aftermath of things like that wouldn't have been handled better or smarter. Listening to that idiot.. in an election year..blab on..while he reads his notes and tele-prompter.. i was exhaustivly angry.. i was also real confused why trhe local NPR station didn't play the Democratic response after the moron's speech. The news is always on. I do have to switch to the local classic statio..cuz as balanced as NPR is..it is just a continual drone of negativity and 'Kooky Roberts'.. i just can't handle all of it sometimes. But it does play on y anger.. 1 thing i'm angry on anymore is these attacks on 'GAY'. A few years ago ..i would have just said..' sheesh.. more bad news'. It was a real issue.. but there was so much always going on.. i just figured all these things were going their coarse.. usually like the things that you never worry about or think will happen to you.. until the bomb hits and it just so happens it dropped in your own back yard.
Bush had decked himself out as this preacher.. rubbing Jesus in everyone's face and his moral values.. and while he'll say he is tolerant of other people.. he's sayin'.. "OO.. hey we christians run the place.. we'll tolerate and like you.. but Jesus in the house y'all.. so you better put up n' shut up.. cuz it don't matter if you'se is people or not.. i know who's goin' to hell n' who ain't.. it ain't gonna be me cuz God elected me King of the President of the United States!!..Yea-haw!! "
..i get extremly pissed on these attacks.. not only is Bush offensive to me as an American.. it wouldn't matter how sick i am.. my father served this country.. not only defending it.. but also after.. he served by working in one of the most baisic of government services.. an instiution so common and so relied upon for well over a Century..the U.S. Post office. Bush also offends me as a human being.. strutting himself like he knows what morality really is. He attacks people.. maybe he thinks it's a moral issue.. " OOoo ..better make more laws.. cuz them gays gonna wanna get married n' my dicshunary says marridge is leagals betweens a man and a womans.. n' not a mans and a man.. nor a ladies and a lady.. nope sir..it's perfectly leagal for people to marry a pony.. or a house.. but not them gays.. nope,nope.. that's wrong cuz i say God finds it icky." (You watch.. it happens.. Bush is taken off gaurd sometimes.. when he doesn't have a cue card,notes to read from, a tele-prompter..or if he simply forgot what the hell he is going to say.. he reverts back to the blithering idiot he was so famousr for mocking in the first place.. it's truly incredible.. and if you follow this stuff long enuff' ..you can tell when the man is on the spot and not covered by his comfy blanket of rehersile and spech writers.)
..Bush attacks people.. not just with bombs and false morality.. Bush and people of similar dispositions attack peoples' hearts.
..
..after a year of so much confusion.. self-identity,maddness,suicide,hope,joys, fear and the explosion of emotions.. i'm so wanting to die once again..what possibly is left..what possibly had been there from the beginning.. what single thing.. 1 thing pulled me thru' this sh6t..this far?? What got muddled in a blender..pounded and smashed and became something i often ignored and let blind ego and pain overrule quite possibly the most powerful and confusing muscle in the human body.
..THE Heart..
.. it's really.. all i had to base my choices on..
Why the struggle with Miguel has just continued to wipe me out but somehow blindly pursue at times. At the end of a conversation..we both can be extremly drained..(..i'm not his ex-friend..and yes..again..he's the best i got..)..i can say.. 'I Love you'. and mean it.. and not feel any remorse.. cuz it's the right thing to say.. it's the way i feel.. it's the truth of the heart and the matter.
And it's that same heart that fell for the silly boy in the first place and the same heart thast got ripped out.. and the same heart helping make sence of all this ..whatever this is anymore. It's the baisis of so much of what makes us so connected..yet so twisted and painful..it tore and tears us apart. It's all i have left..it's all i seem to fight for. I got so worried about the "how to's" of 'how to handle it'.
..that wasted that energy when i could have used it to fight. I still do that now and then. But i still fight. It's not Mike's fight.. nor anyone else's.. it's mine..i have to lve in this screwed up body..i'm the one who..no matter what ..has to fight in the maddness of this brain.. it's all on me.. no matter how i try to make it 'make sence' for anyone..it's all futile.
Noone will know what the fight is like thru these eyes.. but i am known for my heart.
Today i'll go face this sh7t of school.. maybe like a mouse.. but i'll be Mickey Mouse about it.. and dust myself off as i get knocked down.
My heart always comes as the link to my past and future and everything in between.. it's all i've really known.. it's so little but so big that even me.. i don't know how to cover it all. I'm making some extremely big decisions.. and making some profound moves.. i just hope people can find the faith in me and the ways i'm slowly figuring it out and going about it.. i may not know the normal ways to handle things as a man.. but as a mouse.. everything is very big and very vast.. and a mole hill is a montain..and the real mountains are just next to impossible. My little heart got me this far. I don't need people to remind me of that. I just hope people realise it. Especially my loved ones.. there is nothing to worry about..
the only things Miguel needs to really be responsible for is the good things he's done and is doing for me still. He's support and care.
..
my family is more vast than it ever has been. Mike may not like that fact..but it's important.. and it's nothing to rub in his face,take lightly,use against him.. it's something to accept..i'm thankful for it so.. and i commend him on it.
.. there is alot i've had to accept that i didn't understand or always like. But the heart is a good thing..i like the sound of it.
~~**Tump-tump-tump..
..>v<
martes, enero 20, 2004
-->>
..where is my heart.. 1/2 way up my a55??
..where is my..
..the Pixies-
Where Is My Mind? ::
With your feet in the air
and your head by the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse,
and there's nothing in it
and you'll ask yourself:
Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Way out,
in the water see it swimmin'
I was swimmin' in the Caribean
Animals were hiding behind a rock
Exept the little fish,
when they told me east is west
trying to talk to me to me
koy-koy
Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Way out,
in the water see it swimmin'
With YOUR feet in the air
and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
and there's nothing in it
and you'll ask yourself:
Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?
Way out,
in the water see it swimmin'
With your feet in the air
and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah...
.. flat-line fear.. goofy mexican boy ..alpha-bits..sez.. "googleimage.."
..look up 'Hal Sparks nude' ..
..~~~~**fwump.. z-z-z-z-z-z-z---- -- - -
..>v<
lunes, enero 19, 2004
-->>
..off balance..
.. the exhaustion of the past 42 plus hours has finally set in.. my neibors are in sh8t load of trouble.. i've had an incedent with the police and 2 freekin' morons pissed and 100 proof wanted to kill me.. sunday everything just got stupid.
..stupidity..pure and simple.. the stupidity in a day and the fucking reprecusions of it can hurt people. I've had it.. the whole day capsised..i did go to Joyce's to work,later.. but i was late..
.. the whole night/morning i was calling everyone of my supports just to get lost in a maze of telephone tag,non-emergancy police #s,the suicide hot-line (cuz it was the only live support i could get at the moment), and Willis came over to stay while the anxiety built up.. this sh8t had been on the rise the past 2 years.. the shit of not just my neibors.. but my exsistance in this sh8t hole.. in a matter of hours i got to school again.. unlike last week when i thought classes started this past monday.. i was wrong// they started M.L.K Junior day.. dumm school. I'm not afraid like i was last week.. the anxiety and fear was so high.. i was really suicidal.. today i'm just real sad and not caring about school.. i'll go and do it. Hope it'll be better by the end of the day.
At Joyce's.. as i worked in her yard..(made a measly 10 $$ but well ..better than nothing).. i was raking in the cold as the darkness slowly crept in as the hour went by.. Joyce has a house on a minor hill.. 2 stories and 1940s seems to about cover it.. it may be older ..but i don't know. I also had to clean out the window wells..they get caught up with the blowing leaves that fall off her big trees. It's kind of a pain.. there was a bag of potting soil by the wells.. there is a grey meter on the porch where the wells are located.. and i smelled something coming from the meter.. i thought it was the soil..
..i moved the soil.. still smelling this rotting smell.. sure enuff.. a cat's little body was in the window well under some leaves.
I get sick of handling dead animls.. when Mawm and pop lived off the major street.. many,many animals were taken in by me.. into the back yard and buried.. roadkill is a funny little joke for people.. but it is a little humbling handling dead animals to bury them.. many of them were my mawm's animals.. cats mostly.. but birds,mice,hamsters,rabbits, and i think 1 little dog.. the back yard of my mawm's old house is like an animal grave yard.. i cannot help but think of the cat..'Church' from Pet Cemetary.
It's also tricky to look at the animals face..the little creature was white or greyish with brown marks on it's face.. real sad.. but i had no choice..i had to get rid of it.. i wish i'd burried it.. but i wrapped it in plastic and thru it in the carbage can in the alley.. poor creature.
I baisically started to not feel after that.. excpet this overwhelming sadness.. i'm tired of these feeling so fast.
but noone gets it.. noone understands me.. o.. i guess i'll need to bottle it up. I'm trying to make a better effort not to stress Mike (which we're so good about stressing eachother out anymore..sheesh).. so. It's gonna take even more effort.
Sister and Joyce went to church downtown..i didn't want to so i walked to go to the local book store there and to get a sammich at Carl's Jr. .. very sad sad sad.. i heard loud shots downtown.. but it must have been a speeding car's muffler. I dunno.
The picture above is one of the charms of Colorado Springs.. the Balance Rock.. in The Garden of the Gods..
..the Garden is a staple of the community.. a city park equivalant of a national park..(it's a long story..) ..it is home to many ancient rock formations and of all of them..Balancing Rock is one of the favorites of visitors. I used to work in the Garden.. and aside from many of the middle aged,fat white couples that came into town.. freeking out and illegally scrambling on the rock like idiots, it was a time of learning and great fun. I loved that job cuz as long as was here.. (my whole life)..i'd loved the Garden of the Gods.. the Balance Rock was one of my faves.. when i was little i'd climb up underneath it..which is ok and legal. But it was scary.. the Rock is actually on a post..naturally on the post on the tip of this rock.. ot unnatural..it's very hard to tell. There are old wives' tales that it was actually balanced without a post until some kids some supposedly knocke dit over..and a crew with a crane tryed to put it back on the tip (suppsedly it was balanced naturaly).. but all they could do was 'glue' the rock to the tip. Whatever..it's really cool to look at.. & it sucks ..all the traffic from gas guzzling cars ..and the pollution from these cars is slowly destroying these beautiful formations. I'm a fine one to talk.. i've driven in the park before.
I'd often thought about all the beauty in this stupid city.. and i'd really have to dig deep. But i'd find it. But this place has become so sinister anymore.. it feels differant and wrong anymore. Following my heart is going to be the major key over the next several months.. and it's so unclear where things will go.
..I'm too tired now.. i don't even care what time i have to go to class.. it's hard when this deep dark sadness sets in.. i feel hurt and betrayed left and right by everything..and i am also hurt by this city. If i don't get out of Colorado.. i will die here. There is nothing for me here but death.. i'm fried of that. If things look up..they need to now.. cuz..if it's my heart alone pulling me tword my goals.. then so be it.. but hearts are made to be broken.. and some hearts are held in contempt as they slowly venture into maddness..
// and some ventures play on the hopeless romantic in me.. whatever.. i think i'll go to the garden and pray in a freek of nature..that the rock will tip off and crush me.. >v<
..>v<