{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
? ? ? ?
-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
sábado, enero 31, 2004
-->>
**
..tOkKaz Grow on Treez..
..that sadness drowns you.. i thought i had the beginning of getting it together last year..but i kind of was also rigging my heart with explosive devices..
..it's tricky.. i can tell how my heart still feels.. i still am maddly in love with Miguel.. and i hope it's more controlled at this point. I just take it as it comes with him..
.. he takes his life as it comes.. and me as i come ..
.. it's just the only way to go on.
It's hard tho' ..
i can't tell if he holds all this against me sometimes or if it's just what he adjusts to.
I dunno.. i miss him immensly..
and the maddness just comes and goes like bullet trains out of now where.
Michael is one of the greatest people i know.
But his support is more limited than it was.. (with just cause)..
so..it's very difficult to figure new avenues of support in my darkest hours. Sometimes..i'm even reserved about this stuff to him..cuz i'm afraid i'll scare or piss him off again.
.. in the coarse of this exsistance i have met many beautiful people.
..shining jewels..their own modesty would never allow them to admit to these thing ..but they really are unique amoung the overwhelming fray of all the
people that conform to the same-old-same-old..
Sang0 is one of those people.
..a Flippy lady at the tail end of her teenage years..who's brain and heart
are stuck in the 1980s..
she's prolly the undisputed lost little sister of Cindy Lauper..she's a puppet master,sculpter and Anime illustrator extrodanair.. i'm proud to know her and consider her amoung my best of friends..
..she made me laff so damm hard this morning.. just when the saddness just sank me.. well.. ::
sango: oka..I rather be awake for a while...
tOkK: ??
tOkK: you were sleeping??
sango: i be on 4 bit..
sango: no..
tOkK: ??
sango: just sad
sango: cant sleep..
tOkK: sad??
sango: yeh
sango: meds..hfkdhfkdjhf
tOkK: y??
tOkK: ah
tOkK: i am sad too
sango: *hugs*
sango: sry..
sango: dont wanna make anyone else sad too..gah
sango: everyone ignores me tonight lol..
tOkK: o sorry
tOkK: i was busy ignoring you
..
sango: I was at work..n my supervisor Dave..he ponted to a
tree in the caferteria..n he's like *coral, go over to the tree
..someone watching over yu*
tOkK: !?!?!?!?!
tOkK: !?!!?!
tOkK: 1/1!!!aahahahahhhhh
tOkK: nnoooo
sango4: n I go to look n there is a TOKKA FIGURINE
stuck in the branches!!!
sango: O_O
sango: I SWEAR MAN!
tOkK: dammit
sango: I gotsta keep it too
tOkK: you caught me
tOkK: ok
sango: came with greenish belt lol
tOkK: lol
tOkK: really??
tOkK: prove it
tOkK: i don't beleive you
sango: I'm like *aww! tokky! *pets leeto noggin*
sango: yah!
sango: really!!!! my god!!!
tOkK: i don't beleive you
sango: Dave is like...*dont tell anyone I letcha have that k?* n
I'm like *Dave..its from 1991!*
sango: REALLY!!!!
tOkK: prove it
tOkK: prove it
sango: ????
tOkK: yes
sango: I'll scann the tokky fig if yu want me to
tOkK: ok
sango: kk hold on
..she proved it.. (**see above picture..) even tho i was wearing some
TMNT Monkey figure's belt.. still ..
..Sango is prolly the only Canadian that deserves her own sitcom..
ah f7ck..she's a walking sitcom.. love ya, Sangy!! 8)
..>v<
+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+
-->> past kreep..
..the week was weird.. many bad things happened.. i tripped bad..
in maddness..ran the freeway again..yelled at cars amd spit.. ,i made many mistakes.. getting back into what i hope will be my final semester has prooven hellish..i will not have a repeat of the last fall semester//
already, i'm starting on some shakey footing.
It does take me awhile to get back into the 'swing' of things..
but i'm in alot of trouble.. and my body is reacting to the anxiety and stress in some more ferocious ways than years prior.
Loss of sleep,seeing tigers..i don't even rememebr people talking to
me when they insist they did.
Whatever.. i'm even looking..my posts are weird
(not that anyone reading this expects any less..) ..i dunno.
I made some good decisions..
..after walking to my therapy session (after missing school.. groan..)
i passed by my ol' "Yenta's" house,downtown..
there was a 'for rent' sign in the front so i freeked out..
called her old # when i got home and lucky she kept it.
I'd not talked to her in a year..
and i knew i could tell her about Mike and not have her flinch.. it was great.
She offered me to come over to see her new place and have dinner..
she got a house !!
After that ..i prompted to call my Grampa..
and after about 6 years and some updated info..
i found him.. he lives by me and wants me and my Pop to see him..
what great luck.. i'm really happy to get reaquanted with some
wonderful people from my past.
..Preacher Van .. my old best friend.. who i still care about..
(i don't care about him cramming the Christian stuff down my gullet..)
is adjusting well to married life.. and has been writing more emails.
Me and Van grew apart a few years ago..
but he still want's to pray for me.. well at least he cares..
past creeps.. ..future creeps.. Van's a Creep.. but.. gotta love 'em..
..praise the lord..
..>v<
jueves, enero 29, 2004
-->>
..tiger talk..puppy whimper..
.. unwanted pup today..
..Ryan Adams..
::Anybody Want To Take Me Home
So, I am in the twilight of my youth
Not that I'm going to remember
And have you seen the moon tonight
Is it full?
Still burning its embers
The people dancing in the corner, they seem happy
But I am sad
I am still dancing in the coma of the drinks I just had
Does anybody want to take me home?
Does anybody want to take me home?
Take me to your house, and I'll leave you alone
Of course I will
Of course I won't
It seems so tragic... but it disappears like magic
Like magic
Can you recommend an education or drugs
Because I am bored with you already
I'm on Broadway, and I think it's a parade
I'm covered in pieces of confetti
And I am in the twilight of my youth
Not that I am going to remember
Dancing and slowly finding the truth
And it's covered in coma
All of these people in my life, well they seem so in love
Well, I am not
Memorizing my shoes in a cigarette shop
Does anybody want to take me home?
Does anybody want to take me home?
I'm kinda lonely, will you take me home?
Of course you will
Of course you won't
Of course I'm crass
It seems so tragic
Of course you will
Of course you won't
But I'll disappear
I'll disappear
Just like magic
Just like magic
Just like magic
..>v<
martes, enero 27, 2004
---->>
..a tiger will talk..
..i ran away onto the freeway starting to run by myself.. only to run with tigers.. 3 nervous breakdown in 48 hours leaves one mad..
..but with tigers..all the tigers i see.. there are answers..to somethings..
..there must be..
..things that..in the jungle of my mind.. make me lost and frightened..
..i'm not dreaming..tigers are real.. but..i read:
Seeing a tiger in your dream, symbolizes repressed feelings or emotions that frighten you. Alternatively, the tiger represents female sexuality, aggression, and seduction. If the tiger is in a cage, then it suggests that those repressed feelings/emotions are on the verge of surfacing. Dreaming that you are attacked by a tiger means overwhelming gloom and disappointing failures. You may find yourself distressed and tormented by rivals. Dreaming that you ward off or kill a tiger means that you will be exceedingly successful in all your endeavors. It is an indication of your good health, vitality, and vigor. Seeing rugs made of tiger skins, symbolizes a life of luxury and ease.
.. the tigers seem as tho' they are on my side.. yet they are mysterious and ferocious.. few have attacked me.. many have frightened me.. some are babies..
..some are friendly.. some eat me,some sleep with me..some are with me as i speak to Angel//
.. i am a tiger.. i'm going to talk to the tigers..
.. i am going to see what they say.. .. .. ..
..>v<
lunes, enero 26, 2004
-->>
..don't take 'em..
..the Eels ..
Wooden Nickels ::
Went down by the old courthouse
Stumbling through the streets
Had to get out of the house
Had to use my feet
And you may not think much of me now but
I think so damn much
of you
Don't take any wooden nickels
when you sell your soul
A devil of a time awaits you
when the party is over
you're on your own
Trash truck coming up the road
Picking up the trash
Riding to a better place
Hoping we don't crash
Thinking of things after now
I never would have guessed it
this way
Don't take any wooden nickels
When you sell your soul
A devil of a time awaits you
When the party is over
you're on your own
And you may not think much of me now but
I think so damn much
of you
Don't take any wooden nickels
When you sell your soul
A devil of a time awaits you
Now the party is over
I'm on my own
La lalala lalalala
la lala la la
..yayayayayayayayayaya..
..maybe i can trade some of the ones i took for ones that've got some chocolate in 'em..or at least a nice sedative..
.. >v<
domingo, enero 25, 2004
-->> 
.. out of control and all alone..
..
.. earlier this morning i had a nervous breakdown.. it's kind of funny.. all these people that are 'there when you need them' ..aren't.. and talking to a string of recorgings on the phone really just adds to the anxiety..
.. i can't do this.. i always have to take it into my own hands.. and as i do as such..the worst things happen.. none of anyone's concern how i handled it..
.. i'm not supposed to be alive.
..yeh yeh.. same old same old.. well i'm more sick of this mundane shit more than anyone. You want this pain ?? This Maddness?? Here ,take it,,
.. extremly dark right now.. i don't care if i'm threatening the universe.. i'm fighting this shit with my last ounces of energy.. it needs to look brighter NOW..
..i'm not going to make it.. am i ??
..>v<