{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
jueves, febrero 05, 2004
..head full of STOVE-Top..
.. been f7ckin' harsh few days.. as they seem to like to be..
..Mike supressing his emotions and i end up fuckin' up and hurting his feelings.
..kind of how it goes.. ammit,tOkKa!! .. fucking ,idiot..
.. i've been so manic..and trying to get to school. My transportation has reached beyond the nightmare issue ..i'm missing too much class. Today when i see the docor.. i'm getting a medical release so i can quite school. I'll see what i can do to stay..but Too much is dragging me down..
.. i so want to die and i can no longer keep this pattern..well ..i've been working to break it for a long time now.
I feel as low as an ostrich cowering and ducking his head in a pile of sh8t.
.. the whole day..one song had been haunting me. Me's prolly go crazy if i didn't like the song so much. wile of all the M.G.M. Oz Characters.. i like the Tin Man the most.. i tend to realte to Ray Bolger's 'Scarecrow' a little more sometimes.. guess they both are my favorite.
..i used to sing Mike songs on the phone.. sometimes for fun..sometimes for lulliby.
..if there was one song i'd sing to him now ..it's be Scarecrow's yeh.. ::..
..If I Only Had Brain
I could while away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain.
And my head I'd be scratchin' while
my thoughts were busy hatchin'
If I only had a brain.
I'd unravel every riddle for any individ'le,
In trouble or in pain.
With the thoughts you'll be thinkin'
you could be another Lincoln
If you only had a brain.
Oh, I could tell you why The ocean's near the shore.
I could think of things I never thunk before.
And then I'd sit, and think some more.
I would not be just a nothin' my head all full of stuffin'
My heart all full of pain.
I would dance and be merry, life would be a ding-a-derry,
If I only had a brain.
Gosh..it Would be alful pleasin'..
..to reason out the reason for things i can't explain.
..and perhaps I'd deserve ya.. and be even worthy i'erve ya..
..If i only had a brain..
..>v<
lunes, febrero 02, 2004
-->> 
.. drown in maddness too much.. heal me..
..stupid server went down for awhile..now some of my pages are screwed up.
.. i don't even know why you have a scroll bar at the bottom of the blogg window
here..trivial..
.. my heart is that fucking paper weight.. for over damm year now..it just hasn't moved from that spot.. that one person who it just landed on.. and god dammit.
February is kind of a special month..at least for me.. i've always loved Valentines day..
..scince i was little.. it was fun to get little Valentines from the other kids at Catholic school ..even the ones that hated you.. they had to give you a Valentine..no matter what.. i'd fill these little crusty cards out with all these peoples' names even ones that hated me.. i'd make little pictures and put stickers and stuff on them..hoping that even the people that hated me would turn around and like me. Didn't quite work that way..
Even now that i'm big.. i still get Valentines..like the kind kids get.. and pass them out on the 14th of each February..mostly to the people i really care about.. (it's bad enuff most people think i'm a freek..so i don't pass them out to every single person)
.. it's still a special month.
..people have told me the past few years how they hate Valentines day.
..they had been hurt so bad..that it's just a month and a day to remind them about that pain.
Some people become bitter.. and some play on the fact that it's a hated month to some. I guess it can be a very painful month. For me it's just still simple.
It's a celebration of love. Really.. there is alot of $$ to be made by all these comapnies..like X-mas or any other holiday..
..but there always was this special feeling i'd have for this short month and it's starting to surface again.
.. my heart got struck with a great amount of fear months back.. it got sliced into a million little peices and fed to a hurricane.
..now it's kind of sorted and duct taped together..but still it's drivng me bad.
I know what i want.. with my heart.. it's a tired topic.. and it's driving me more into maddness than ever. At least it's..
..driving me.
The questions remain..and they get bigger as you get closer to the horizon.. but if i live or if i die.. i've had my heart.. and times of tigers and angel and teeth in the walls,heads and sharks. and all the the voices.. and all the wars my mind is fighting..
.. it's the only thing that has been real most of the time.
.. that pain can heal.. if i die.. i will get peace.. noone underdstands or agrees with that need.
..if i live.. the heart still beats.. and the healing is just not happening as fast as i'd like..
..but well i didn't ask to live.. i didn't ask to fall in love.. i didn't ask for infliction of the body and mind. i really don't ask for much.
.. i just want it to be ok to feel this..to persue it.. and to go somewhere with it..
..time heals all wounds.. i guess.. i don't know what time is tho' ..
.. i just know the power of the heart..
..>v<
domingo, febrero 01, 2004
-->>
..a little song a little dance..Janet's nipple and a Lance.. no wait..that's Justin..
Gee wiz..Mike get's the scoop on the craziest sh8t first.. workin' on the wire and stuff..
..if the media get's their field day with the Super Bowl 'Accident' damm it'll be plastered all over every Entertainment Tonight show .. and damm.
..Celebrity gossip and the bull sh6t it can entail became a bit of a topic today.. i really don't give a fuck about Michale Jackson ..or Ben and Jennifer.. nothing they do in a day is going to f8ck me over in the long run.
Martha Stweart.. all these hi-profile people the media runs over and clings to like flies on poop.. just..i don't understand it. It didn't even feel like Super Bowl sunday today.. my day started late and i ended up doging all the little inuendos my mawm was throwing out about Mike and me and whatever..
.. i dunno.. things just don't make alot of sence anymore. I was so dizzy when my Pop came in and woke me up in the afternoon.. i'm not used to another person waking me up.. not anymore..Zach would come in unannouced now and then and wake me up.. but most of the time it's the alarm clocks that wake me.
I got a little paranoid.. i think my Pop saw the picture of me and Mike on my nightstand.. but i prolly shouldn't be..(yeh.. he's not gonna ask me if i kiss it every night.. right.. ?? oii..) .. i was too dizzy ..i was dizzy all day.. but i didn't leave with my Pop from my place cuz i was so exhausted. Mawm picked me up later and she was real sweet for the most part. 8)
There was a time when the Super Bowl was kind of special.. not for the game.. i was always more into Soccer and Hockey than American Foot Ball.. and the commercials were cool sure.. but the 1/2 time shows had a great appeal back when i was a kid. One super Bowl show..one of my favorite actually had Disney's Indiana Jones Ride involved.. at least the actors.. i dunno.. i know Indy and the Lady had to save Super Bowl Statue from Villians.. and Pattie LaBelle an' some other cool musicians were part of this big adventure where Indy had to fight natives ..and damm it was special..silly and fun.
Now..it's Britany.. and hi-profile headaches.. and a bunch of people getting killed in some riot after the game some where.. (you should have seen the pictures of Dever years back when the Broncos were at the big game..eesh)
..i just don't care to even bother tuning in.
The Game itself.. wasn't really special..but i'd tolerate it with the people i loved just to catch a rare special show.. o' well..most of those people i used to watch Super Bowl with have passed away or moved away.. bleeh.
.. i don't even know who won the Super Bowel..
.. er..Super Bowl..
..>v<