{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..

viernes, febrero 27, 2004 -->> the 'Passion' of the tOkKa ..keepin' up with the Jo's-ez.. ..daaamm.. i'm so dizzy.. f7ck,SOFA.. i'm looking up your Live Journal right now.. and gaw ..where is it?? ..maybe if i say a little prayer to Mel Gibson..i'll find it.. hold on.. !! I FOUND IT,JO!! ..yeeehh.. that's the ominous 'Sofa' i refer too.. he's supposed to be all nerdy n' mysterious.. yep,Sofa is the thermal nuclear super-genius who is currently in 'Heart' with the pretties cookie monster lady (her name kinda rymes with 'Pickle')..i can't really say to keep the anonimity(sp) up.. .. damm.. i dunno.. you gotta undersatnd Sofa is like ubber secret.. yeh.. he's a umm.. what they call 'em.. well you can't say the word.. (it's like saying 'Macbeth' onstage..it's bad luck).. umm Sofa's a 'Rymes with Slacker' ..err.. ..umm..Sofa1 is really super cool-guy- eeeh-b0ss,one of the best friends i've ever had.. ..he hooked me up ,bad.. ya see,tOkK has ..for the past 21/2 years..been workin' on the most ghetto of ghetto equipment.. slow as f7ck.. and frustrating. The old comp set-up was like my 3rd hand-me-down comp..yeh..i was still running Windows 98 and just god.. it was maddening-ly slow..crashing all the time,locking up, and loosing files.. the comp was on it's last leg.. and i just couldn't take it anymore.. the model is prolly from 1998..and well..f8ck f7ck f8ck.. Jo has been trying to hook me up with a good computer set-up for a long time now.. but problems amiss.. we just couldn't do it..modems,$$,emotional.. ..yayayaya .. well finally.. after a million proken appointments with the 'mighty Sofa'.. i got at least a slightly more up to date set-up for my Comping.. maybe i'll be even able to get the web sites stuff up faster!! Yeh..i said that for what.. f7ckin' near 3 + years now. Well.. at least i can plug-along on it a little faster.. ..this computer has a much larger harddrive.. all the Macromedia stuff i'm gonna need ..fairly updated with Server 2003 and even Illustrator w0w!! .. it's only temp until i can get something much better.. but the instant i accessed my main Email page without it taking freeking 3 minutes for it to load..(under 10 seconds,actually).. i was impressed.. Sofa has been one of the coolest guys i've known.. he was pretty much the 1st friend i ever told about Mike.. and even when he was going thru his own crisis.. he still did his best.. i don't know. I'm gonna miss him so much when he goes away.. ..Damm,Sofa..thanks so much,Jo.. no joke serious..thank you for everything you do for me !! ..>v< %$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$ -->> ..my brain has a mind of it's own and it's talking to itself.. ..i always loved Corn Flakes.. i know it's plain and bored. But Corn Flakes taste really good with Bananas & milk.. .. i have day old bananas and corn flakes here at the basement.. ..so i go to the dumm store and but 'Kellogg's Corn Flakes with REAL Bananas'.. ..(well no sh7t!!.. you mean Dhydrated bananas are real??).. My new Lexapro med is f7cking with me bad.. i'm supposed to take it in the morning. As soon as i took it wensday in the morning..i konked out bad and started my day at 7:30 P.M. ..jesus.. F7ck..i'm turning into such a dolt.. Monday and Tuesday ..i thought it was March..i even turned all the calanders to March.. i thought thursday was friday. Wehn the lady who styled my hair told me that i owed her $15 'no tip' .. i thought she wanted to make sure i wasn't going to push her over.. serious.. i'm a bumble brain.. ah f6ck. ..when the wise one said 'Love is Schizophrenic..' ..it stuck in my skull as the most beautiful description i'd ever heard.. ..maybe the it's a symbiotic description.. maybe i am 'love'.. mean not in the truest sence.. but.. i dunno.. it must be really sad.. people must think bad things about me.. or that i'm really pathetic.. ..i'm stuck on my best friend i should never have gotten stuck on.. god it hurts so much.. ..maybe i'm used to the pain a bit.. maybe i dunno ..i can't help how i feel?? At least it's a feeling.. while i normally totally go numb.. it's a feeling.. .. the very person i'd just drop everything right now for.. sometimes seems like he doesn't want a damm thing to do with me..like..if i call him.. he's doing me a favour.. i mean it's hard to keep in perspective. ..yeh..were best friends.. but.. he's on my mind all the time.. i argue and talk with him all the time.. i kiss his picture. .. i kiss him.. he's not here.. but he is.. gees. Don't they make thriller movies about this type of sh6t?? The very person who makes me want to kill myself alot.. is the main thing keeping me alive. I hate him so much..yet god..i wish i could fly to him right now..cuz the love is so strong and the missing him is too much anymore. Yeh.. you go numb.. you take a deep breth.. take a step forward.. and.. plunge into the questions and sink or swim. Deal with them as you can.. cuz it won't all be solved overnight.. and your answers are amidst a gigantic sea of question marks. I sent Mike a box of goods again.. TMNT stuffs that i just was so excited for him to get.. it's Box 1 of 2.. but all week i kept picturing him opening the box ,seeing his toys and books and really enjoying himself .. turns out he did.. i guess.. and at least he's caught up on his Ninja Turtles books.. it felt real nice he was so happy. ..he still makes me feel. After all this time.. god. yeh..it's sad // real sad.. all i want to do now is..someday..maybe..if he'll let me live with him. Right now..he'd say no.. right now is not the tiem.. but as things progress..maybe.. i dunno. He may think it's such a f7cking stupid idea.. it may not ever happen. .. for now.. it's a pathetic symbiotic thing we have.. i love it/hate it ..need it /want it.. crave it/ despise it.. ..makes me sucidal/makes me strive to live .. it's not fair.. it's all wrong..it's everything my heart knows is right. .. ..love is schizophrenic.. too schizophrenic.. maybe i'd not have it any other way?? ..i dunno.. ..at least it makes me real.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   miércoles, febrero 25, 2004 -->> ..right here ..right now.. right?? .. was weird yesterday.. i was actually up like.. before noon!!.. ..i mean.. ..way before noon..and not cuz i couldn't sleep..i slept.. and woke up.. ..got a sweet n' sleepy pepe talk from Mike on the phone.. ..i was scared to go back to sleep..terrified i would not get back up.. ..for some reason i thought it was March.. i even changed all the calanders..when mawm picked me up for lunch then to the doctors.. everyone kept saying'' 'The 24th' .. i was so confused.. i asked them why they kept insisting it was February..it was March 2nd.. .. nope.. i gained a whole week.. sheesh. I guess February isn't that short. After the docs..and a new pill..(Lexapro.. a new generation 'Prozac'..whatever that means..) i was supposed to meet mawm back at the book store.. never happened tho'.. She got caught up at work and i was stranded.. her dumm cell phone was drained of power.. so.. i wasted a bunch $$ on phone calls on pay phones. O' well.. i got to move around down town..something i rarely get to do. ..boppin into shoppes..bought some books and mags..went to the old 'Bargain Comics'.. picked up TMNT books n iscovere n old friend passed away in October.. damm. 8(.. I got an old military work shirt and a big fat 'Geoffery Girraffe' from Toys R Us patch n me my on work shirt with the iron on.. ..couldn't find maw at all so i bussed home.. nope.. never made it to school.. but hooked up with sister and cousin..went to Borders and got cool sweet 40s and 60s ad design books.. even got to go to Kmart and check out the 'Joe Boxer' isle.. o gawd.. sh1t..i'm still like a squeemish little kid when i go into the underwear section..only now.. my glances at the guys on the underwear packages are longer..and the boners are bigger. ..christ Joe Boxer guys are very nice to look at..god.. the make those packages so hot ..f7ck!! It's like the time when i was little and i was in the old 'Joselin's' clothing shop and i was feeling up all the maniquin torsos with the bikini breifs on them.. the sales girls were spying on me and giggling really loud.. .. i didn't know.. how the hell was i supposed to know that manequin torsos were built like that.. f7ck..i was horny and curious ..(they were prolly thinking i was really stupid..) ..whatever.. Joe Boxer guys are hot.. ..angels in Joe Boxers are hotter// ..did i type that ?? 8o ..;) .. rest time.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   martes, febrero 24, 2004 -->> ..0rLoXX R0XXorz.. ..too much mania right now.. ..up and down and up and down.. i didn't leave the basement at all Monday. Seizures and tigers.. and something about 'clowns' ?? .. i even got scared and manic.. tried to call Mike again and again.. but i think he left early.. ..too much anger.. too much fear.. it's all too much. ..too much ..too much for crazy tOkK.. ..i was trying to die..extremly overwhelmed and damm.. ..if i make it to the doctors today.. i'll get more pills pumped in me.. ..f7ck.. ..fear ,fear,fear.. and people are afraid of clowns.. .. you wanna see a scary movie.. ..see the original 1921 'Nosferatu' .. now that's a nice n' scary movie.. not like the horror sh8t of today.. ..this is creepy as f6ck.. and it's something i like to be scared by.. ..think i'll go watch it right now.. maybe it'll put me to sleep.. ..maybe i'll get bit.. 8P.. .. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   lunes, febrero 23, 2004 -->> ..dance,bear.. f7ckin' dance!! ::How Fucking Romantic:: -Magnetic Fields / '69 Love Songs'- how fucking romantic all the stars are out twinkling twinkling twinkling and fluttering about what a tacky sunset what a vulgar moon play another charming rogers and hart tune how fucking romantic must we really waltz? drag another cliche howling from the vaults love you obviously like you really care even though you treat me like a dancing bear toss your bear a goldfish as he cycles by don't forget to feed your bear or it'll die .. .. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..