{ the dead archival }
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viernes, marzo 05, 2004 -->> ..big little impacts.. .. i dunno.. maybe i don't know why these things of chaos continue. No pills,doctors,hospitals, 'cure it' .. maybe i'll constantly..(as my teacher;Mr.Olsen said.. ) have to be creative..cuz i've had to be creative to survive. Mike's continually is confused as much as i am. Emotional attachement aside. ..we had a deal to work on these web site issues early on into spring 2002.. so .. i've become a driving factor for his web site and maintenance.. it's part of what i do anymore,it keeps me busy, and it can be fun. While his side of the deal is few and far between.. if it wasn't for the work he does do..the effect of what your reading now wouldn't be here. I dunno.. seems as tho' everyone is confused down there in Texas. People all have impacts in their lives.. big and small.. everyone.. people make impacts.. large and small. Guess Mike is confused by that.. he says he understand.. but i don't think he does.. at least not as much as he would think. I guess.. i mean.. why should he.. he is in a nice safe place.. amidst the saftey of Harlingen.. that's where he if far away from the chaos i apperantly brought into his life. He must resent ever having met me sometimes.. ..the feelings seem to be mutual.. i was so tired of the constant pain he brought me.. only to fuck up myself and bring pain to him.. i don't know where it started or ended.. but yeh.. it's all foggy now. Talkin to Deb ..one of the directors at the handicap place at the school has become fairly regular routine..even tho' she's not my school counselor ..she has become a great support and listener.. and well.. yesterday i just came clear about the whole gay/bi- thing and Mike. she said she'd pretty much figured that out.. and said that compared to a year ago and now.. when fall semester came around..i was alot more self-destructive than she'd seen me in years. I told her i need to come clean to my pop about all this.. i can't keep hiding from him anymore.. i'm in too much pain anymore and i really need to tell him. Get over it.. ..that's prolly the common theme where Mike is.. i dunno. But it doesn't work that way. you can't drop a bomb on a city.. and after that say to the people.. 'get over it'. The impact Mike makes/made..sometimes i prolly overtly give credit to.. maybe more than he deserves.. maybe not enuff. I don't have time to wait for answeres ..Deb did say that time heals.. so.. hopefully as i keep working.. maybe these things will become clearer.. i dunno. I have been working.. yeh i can always try harder.. but when all is said and done.. i've done something..in a day. If i'm suicidal and freeking out.. i usually..even after ground zero..i go and work. ..i get shit done.. some good some bad.. but i get it doen.. .. i send gifts and things that i work hard for to Mike and my friends .. Mike and the Perezs are family to me.. and when i send them things and they are happy..it does build me up.. lame as it sounds. ..shit.. maybe i don't look in the mirror like Mike seems like he does.. and give myself some Katie Couric affirmation.. but the things i do to make people happy (or attempt to) ..is something i do for myself. ..Me n' Mig always look at thing so differantly.. and i think that's needed.. cuz.. if i saw exactly like him.. he wouldn't think.. and i wouldn't think.. and we'd both despise eachother in a mire of hatred. shit.. there is enough pain inside as it is.. that's why when i've burnt or bleed on my flesh: that's so much easier to deal with than what is killing me inside.. naw..pills don't douse that fire. I'd be better tossing off 100 dollar bills into a wishing well..wishing it away. It's pain..and it's a pain in the ass. Schizophrenia or not.. the mistakes i make are held against me.. and perhaps cuz i choose to face these mistakes..make emense or not.. perhaps the normal of the people that are 'Normal'.. won't really be all that applicable to me. Yeh..i gotta do my best.. i listen to Mike all the time. Fuck ..i talk to him.. all the time.. ..and some of the 'normal' people you cherish the most.. are about as normal as 'Rye Bread Radials' on a pick-up truck. ..hopefully ..some day..they can look thru' the fog of confusion and look into their hearts and see some clairity. I guess that time isn't now.. the.. fog is thicker.. and greyer.. .. it's like climbing the forbidden mountain to the great god.. it can get more difficult in the journey as you go along.. ..but at the top of the mountain.. there is something stronger and better.. if you don't die along the way.. you may very well reach much better things.. (? ! ) in the meantime.. ..fog.. .. >v< ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   miércoles, marzo 03, 2004 -->> ..fog ..gotta stay off pills.. i don't give a fuck how much my body needs to adjust.. .. if the doctor wants to take the pills fine.. ..ever scince i started this 'Lexapro' it has knocked me out on my ss so badly.. waking up at 10 P.M. to start my day is not an option. ..i have to be at school.. i want out of there.. in order for me to do that.. i actually have to show up for the classes..and o the work. duh. ..i woke up numb.. late.. about 5:30 p.m. on Tuesday.. this can't keep up. ..i didn't burn or cut me.. but sh6t.. i so want to right now.. i hooked up with cousin for a bit and now i'm working on graphics shit. .. everything hurts..everything reeks of fear.. ..tigers never leave my side.. and angel can mock me.. [b] god..no more PILLS!![/b] ..i can't do anything, i can't die, i'm not allowed.. i can't feel.. am i allowed?? ..i can't live?? Am i allowing myself?? ..fuck WHAT CAN I DO?? ..i would so fucking hate Mike right now.. i don't.. but why the fuck did he make me feel?? why?? why did he make me feel in the first place?? // i wish he could hold my hand right now.. ..twisted,windey, .. no clarity.. never clarity.. it's too foggy now.. .. i'm cold.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   lunes, marzo 01, 2004 --->> Which Buffy Girl Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty .. gee whizz!! .. it's gotta be rigged.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   domingo, febrero 29, 2004 -->> You are Donnatello A amazingly smart turtle WIth a knack for the bo staff Wich TMNT are you? brought to you by Quizilla ..gee whizz.. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..