{ the dead archival }
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@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
jueves, marzo 11, 2004
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..knight owl..
..been crashing to sleep weird the past few days.. Tuesday i got to hook up with Sofa early.. and we ended up spending the whole day together.. getting to school in the daylight hours is very bizarre indeed.. and when the sun is out sheesh.. i f7cking realise how off my patterns are. I fifnally told the doctor my litle 'secret' .. the more i reveal the gay issue ..it's not to bad.. he actually was pretty supportive and told me to persue my heart.. but also f7cking kept me on the new medicine. I don't know.. i didn't take it Wensday.. and felt great.. it was odd. I actually had a relativly good day.. and slowly but surly i'm catching up with the math class that i'm way behind in.
Tuesday night i made my semi-annual appearence there in the class.. i'm so far behind in the class.. that well.. the teacher wasn't even worried about me catching up with the lesson. She is really a good teacher.. and no other math teacher ..i've ever had ever-never-ever has been this understanding or cool. If i could every single fucking math teacher i've ever had..how much they sucked.. i would. But this goofy ol' metoroligist lady is so damm understanding..it's so embarrassing on my part.
She lets people make up their grades if they fail. After 4 absences tho'..people loose their chance.. she was calling off all the people in class..and told them all their absence record for the class. I sank in my chair.. really really low.. was so fried by this time i sank to where my chin was on the desk. when we got to my name.. i just told her aloud that i didn't want to know. It's already mid-terms..and i've only shown up for 4 of the classes now. Sure.. i've got a special arrangement with the handi-cap services at the school.. to do all my tests and quizzes THERE.. but it's real humiliating none-the-less.
I've been real dippy.. so badly too.. but at some points during the day i had so much energy was flying ..getting alot of stuff done.. i like those days. i'd rather be real absent minded and all Jerry Lewis than out cold like a corpse in bed.
They all think i'm crazy.. i do my best to push it aside when other students call me that..
.. i just say i'm not crazy.. just 'patheologically high spirited'..
..i've been missing Mike and even Zach so badly so.. that this basement is just filled with ghosts and madness.. i've also been trying to call Z. .. he's been on and off lithium and is really struggling. Sofa saw him and his mawm at 'Village Inn' last week.. Zach didn't even recognse Sofa.. a peron he'd met before and brought up to me in odd conversation numerous times. Me and Zach have so much of the same patterns and problems.. and he's so much like a little brother..i don't blame myself anymore for having a sevear crush on him. I did talk to his mum..and she had nothing but really good things to say of me and cousin.. here's one lady who has been thru' hell and back with her schizophrenic son and she just..wow.. stays incredibly strong.. so much so she is on the baord of ..
N.A.M.I. (National Allience for the Mentally Ill ..
..and is pretty influencial around here with the organization in my opinon. She told me how proud she was of me and how i've got a good place in her heart with just my care i've had for Zach and with school and such.. and she told me i can all her if times get too desperate. She calls her my second 'mum'. Yeh ..i miss Zach so much.. and she is part of that. .. god.
I've been so much darker anymore..the weekend and Monday was a killer.. and here it is Thursday again.. and the past 6 days felt like they happened yesterday..
It's been rainy and a bit cold too..the past few days. Bujt for some reason..those are the days that i am and up. The rain makes me happy and makes me feel. Ehen i was down in the southern-texas Texas last year..on what were the typically cold,rainy days down there was just so beautiful to me. These are the days this idiot state needs to.. with water levels so damm low. But.. i dunno.. it's been grey.. like so much of what i've been thinking about. School,death,Mike..it's always so fuzzy ..god.
..damm..i've also been masturbating too too much..i bet.
cousin was real impressed that i can masturbate for 2 plus hours..and that on my more pathetic days i jerk off about 9 times in a day. Gee.. this shows either how lame me and Cousin are anymore about our love lives or our good,solid,steady relationships with our fingers are just so filled with the meaningful things that will pull us thru a day.. err..
..i dunno.. nothing makes sence anymore.. and as far as jerkin' it.. doesn't really matter..i gotta a better ,faster computer compared to what i had..loading porn is alot less frustrating ..and i can stream video better now to..
.. and besides..like the Grand Slam at "Denny's"..
..i'm up all night anyway.. >v<
domingo, marzo 07, 2004
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..the more i try to live..
..i tried to keep my poker face in the store.. those are the worst times.. the pain is sweeling up in you,twisting.. and you could have a panic attack or a seizure.. but it's too overwhelming.
You have to hide or find a place crouch and shed some tears..
..i was doing ok.. at first.. i was real anxious..i ran to the dumm store , i picked up dumm milk and some Turtles cards,checked out..right as soon as i left the sliding door i broke.
.. i cryed ..
..don't look at me.. i have a plan 'A-Z'.. yeh.. i need to die..
..it's so confusing..
..i'd been accused of holding life in contempt.. .. while the same person that told ME this often holds me in contemt.
..and because i'm 'handicapped and lacking in normalicy..' it seems as if i'm not fit to see the benefit-of- the dout,patience, or redemption. ..again..so it seems..
..even the chicken with his head cut off died at some point.
..as the tears well up in my eye lids..it's like crying acid..
..my shirt get's wet.. and i just don't fight it.
..seering..seering,burning.. god.
I cry too much anymore. I so wanted to live.
I did say that you know.. I WANT TO LIVE. ..i thought i needed it..i thought i wanted it.. i was wrong.. ??
Trying is so futile.. i am so evil.
My evil spreads in subtle ways.. and everywhere i go.. i destroy a little peice of everyone.
The evil in me.. talks to me.
The Heads are a mainfestation that make me think. They challenge me,confuse me,converse with me..and represent many negative things. They tell me..i should..
"Hate Miguel..loath him... for he used me.. he truly has hated you from the beginning but enjoyed your puppet-like nature. YOU MUST SHUN HIM!!
..i tell them "No.. it's not like that, i can't."
There are no tigers here now.. just heads.. talking heads with no bodies..just heads.
.. i'm very cold right now..the weakness is throbbing in my body..i'm trembling.
.more acid wells up in my eyes. i am so evil.
Freedom cannot be gained by waiting for it..
..i need to act. I nee dmy freedom.. i need ultimate peace. I need the whole.. but all seem to do is stumble in holes.
..nothing i desire more than a a cold cold ground. Why couldn't mawm have gotten that abortion..why couldn't i have strangled on the ambelical-chord like i was supposed to.
..that is past.. i'm crying now..
..i left the nest.. but fell from the tree..
..>v<
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..unreal..blends in..
..i do my best not hold anything against anyone..but if they challenge me on the baisis of something i hold dear to me or something i'm struggling with.. that's real tricky.
At this moment.. for the trillionth time.. i'm numb.. and i'm not real. Now for 'normal people'.. for whatever the fuck that means anymore.. you may take reality for granted..or you may be so real and hurting that you wish you were numb.
You'd prolly not want to be in this state i am in tho'..right now.. no i cannot feel.. but i'm also getting very manic about it.
God..yes.. i'm craving death at an alarming rate anymore.. prolly cuz it's effecting the cores of not only hypocracy.. but right now.. it seems liek everyone hates me.. in fact.. i wonder if i hate everone right now..(i mean i don't but.. i'm not real right now.. so.. what is what??)
..the pain inside is ripping into my heart again.. when this happenes.. all the frustration and anxiety in a day can manifest into an all out break-down on my body, yes.. i need to feel.. yes ..in a few moments i will feel.
This is of no concern to anyone.. cuz..noone exsists right now.. not even me.. i am not here.. .. there is no warm or cold.. there is a void.. where am i?? What am "i" ?? .. fuck.. i don't care right now..
.. i can feel a pit.. so i guess the 'not feeling' part isn't 100 %.. there is this pit of searing pain right now.. connected to my tear ducts.. i seem to be crying.. i hate this.. i hate this.. do i hate you??
// i don't know.. i need to feel.. i will require bandages.. but i'll try to make this short as to not get to many scars.. and i'll make it little.. not big.. i'm desprate.
.. god.. i'm always so desprate..
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.. fuck all those that take their realities for granted.. fuck all those who tell me in essence ..'I don't need to feel'..
.. this is transendance.. i little cut,1 draw of blood.. 1 taste .. i'm real.. it's that simple.. how now i am feeling cold.. how now i can accomplish..do.
Fuck you.. fuck your normalcy.. fuck your mendacity and your hypocracy.. some day..i will get my freedom.. dead or alive.. i will get my freedom.. i will be more than a non-feeling shell.
.. why i sear with pain ?? Cuz.. i have 'insides'..if i didn't have insides.. and i was a robot.. if i was just a metal shell..there would be no problem..cuz i'd be a robot and not alive..
..my insides still hurt.. my heart still sears..but i can cope for now.
As soon as i drew blood..life force enters my body and i am able to do a reality check..
..no easy answer to this as i ahve found out.. and there deffinatly is no easy explanation ..nor solution i guess..
.. at least i'm real for now..
..>v<