{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
viernes, marzo 19, 2004
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..intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic..
"Earth has near miss with 100-foot asteroid" ..
..it's the kind of stuff i used to ph34r..and freek out about when i live with Mawm and Pop..
.. the earth get's blasted by asteroids everyday.. they are just so microscopic ..bairly an ant would prolly notice.
..but the big ones get mighty close..freeky stuff..
..art imitates life.. and vector..seems to imitate the galaxy!!
..>v<
lunes, marzo 15, 2004
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.. tiger sight..
..i didn't create this..what i did create was the perhaps the start of a legacy of confusion..
.. if it is to ever get that far.. to the 'legacy' part.. i'll have to stay alive..
.. but i cannot see if i'm gonna die or live.. i cannot make promises on this..
..but i cannot promise that i won't kep trying to work and live either..
..i didn't ever meant to be a burden on anyone.. and i'm struggling 24-7 with the burdens bestowed upon me..and conflicting with my mania..
..soon i may crash bad.. or i may just not be here..
..everything is foggy..yet green..
..i see green tigers.. maybe this is good..
..i love..
..>v<
domingo, marzo 14, 2004
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..we were all once human..
.. all the time.. it's baisically perceived that i'm on illegal substances.. and my nervous and shakey exterior make me appear as just a guy with 'something up' .. i get sick of explaining this shit and time after time with police thinking i'm somne kind of 'party guy' . I haven't been out to rave in years and the only non-profit club i liked closed cuz of the damm city over a year ago. If they want to know the real parties any more.. and the tigers,heads, sharks and angel and angels.. and twisted sorts .. i can't remember to much sometimes..
..i rememebr the last time i was happy.. and the short time i was human.. that humanity is in rare sorts anymore..
..so it seems.. and my heart has been shackled and the weight of that pain weighs down the individual and the monster i become.. as i work ..the pain's energy manifests to the delapidating beast of burden.. towing the heavy heart .. and i become the weighted director of this beast.. knowing soon that i'll need to put it out of it's mysery..
..yes..i am a pathetic example of all that life betrays and a very degrading soul that you'd find in the negative example of a Tony Robbins seminar..
.. if the fog shows any sign of lifting.. only the work i do will make way to that break in the clouds..
.. or until my freedom from this mundane extent.. god to sevear the shackles and just fly.. and my continually latent wish to be free of mundane.. to die is liberation..
..but the fog is still so thick.. ..What's left of my humanity..??
..will i ever see angel beyond this haze ?? Do i see lights ..or are those the eyes of tiger??
..
// // //
Zach came back..
Other than my room mate and one of my best friends.. Zach was family to me.. a little brother.. and at the time.. he was all that was saving me and making me work..
..when Zach was sent to state hospital.. my whole world did a 360 and i got worse.
Zach represented the best aspects ..inperfections and extreme compromises of any relationship.
Zach prolly could be considered my first 'boy crush' .. and the confines of this basement and even at the boarding home.. the sexual tension was building up from day one.
It was the most maddening thing tho' .. like.. something priceless.. like The Hope Diamond..
..you can look.. but you can't touch.. you can be emmersed in the pure awe and wonder of something so perfect and beautiful.. but physical contact can mean grave consequenses..
..this was me and Zach.. .. it was so confusing.. i've told this sh7t before.. but it was obvious Zach was pretty Bi- .
We'd played around.. and even slept together.. we never went all the way.. Zach wouldn't have it..
one day he even admitted he wanted to make out with me.. and god.. i would have bad.
The sex drive of 2 very confused individuals within the schizophrenic mania of their days was so incredibly confounded in 'headless chickens'.. running around and bumping into everything. While it may seem like fun.. ::Hell..
emotionally.. and to care about someone so much and be at a lost to tell them what you truly feel and where your heart is within their's.. maddness. The physical contact added to that anxiety.. and it was the start of a very big change for me..
God i kept thinking::
.. we can do this.. i can take care of Zach.. we've got to climb the giant mountain.. the normal people say we can't.. but we've got to.. me and Zach.. i'll take Zach out of this fucking town.. i'll get him in a btter place.. i'll work.. we'll do this.. .we can.. we have to.. i love him so much..
.. and i did/do.. but Zach was very weirded out by the whole 'gayness' of it all.. it freeked him out when people thought we were boyfriends.. and soon Zach would play a much differant role in my life.. two towers colapsed right on top of the mountain we were climbing.. and amidst the devestation.. Zach was lost for awhile.. ::
//
..I've been hooking up with cousin alot.. it's been something i've really needed to get thru the hell of these days.. and after he dropped me off.. i'd been meaning to call Zach.. so..i did.. it was a bad/good call.. i really wanted to just check in with him.. but he so wanted to come over..guess he was real excited.. i'd talked to him..but not seen him in months.
He said him and his freind from the boarding home were walking over.
Thursday night.. a school night.. i got a lot of work to do and faring i'm not going to get any rest. I told him no.. Zach was coming over hell or high-water and .. i tryed calling him back after he hung up.. but .. Zach and his friend got a ride over here at '7-11'.
Zach called at the tale end of my call with Miguel.. well twords midnight.. and i'm not gonna turn Zach away..
..i fed Zach and his friend some pizza.. got Zach some smokes (typical Zach..leaving his I.D. and $$ leaving me to but the smokes..).
Later i grabbed a bag of my Hot Topic hand-me-downs i've been saving for Zach.. and no matter what..if you cave Zach a pot of gold.. or an Pop Tart, he'll always make you feel so appreiciated cuz he's so thankful. Like you gave him that Pop-Tart and it just saved his life from Cancer.. it's pure thanks from the heart.. it's wonderful.
I had a few shirts and some of my old black Illig baggies.. so.. yeh.. Zach's gonna jump in them right away.
He stripped right there in the kitchen.. throwing the smellier cloths on the floor and was shaking putting on the shirt and Illigs..
Naked Zach in my kitchen ..for a few split seconds brought back alot of memories and some of the mixed emotions and signals we gave eachother. I let out a silent sigh~~** patted him on his skinny 6 pack and told him he'd looked good.
Zach put on the cloths and proceeded to the wash room to ee if he could get some of my earrings in his peirced nose..
eesh..
.. i was getting wiped out.. and me and Zach's friend ended up playing Ninja Turtles while my computer remained idle..waiting for me. I was just so exhasted..and Zach's Smoke was giving me headaches..
but i kept trying to play the game the best i could.. me and Zach's friend sat vertically on the bed in front of the T.V.
After Zach had made up his make-shift bed..he jumped in between me and dude as we were playing. Zach put right leg up over my left leg.. and for a few minutes it was up and down ..his leg on and off mine. some of the first of the little games we used to play.. yeh it's no big deal.. but.. it was one for the 'boner files'.
At one point i just grabbed Zach's leg and set it on mine.. Zach got his jollie for the night and went to lay down.. i finished the game and made up his friend's bed.. i knelt down to Zach as i headed tword my bed.. kised him on the cheek ..told him good night and that i loved him.
//
..i don't know how long i was out.. ..i do usually at all times have the radio on..NPR is just what i keep the radio on..but the news reports i kept hearing in my groggy daze was all about bombing and bullshit and people getting killed.
Media is some of the same shit that sent Zach to the hospital in the first place;Bin Ladens..W. Bush.. ect. (there are major reasons i fucking hate the ass-minch in the White House) .. and i was suddenly really angry..i hopped over Zach & switched the chanel to classical music.. Zach was luckily still asleep.. but he made an ..'uugggh'.. he had turned on his side.. and knocked some of his blankets off..he was cold.. i pulled the blankets back up and over him and kissed him on the cheek again and went back to sleep.
..at some point tho'.. i remembered the stiff missle i had in my pants.. so..like the sigh from earlier.. i had to masturbate..'silently' under my covers ..vhatever.. it was nice. //
..Zach's mum came and got him later in the morning..she wqas patiently upset..she had missed work,Zach didn't bring his meds, and he brought his own company who didn't bring his medicine either. I said sorry.. but i wasn't gonna turn Zach away..even if all this was an un-announced visit. She said it wasn't my fault and gave me a hug.
Zach said he'd call.. he wants so come back over.. and yeh.. i'll let him in like always..(Sheesh.. i think i gave him my 'OutKast' CD.. 8{ ..) ..
//
..i've been working at mawm's and seeing movies with cousin..this weekend.. Mike's been on a break.. and Monday-Wenesday he's gonna go see Aerosmith concert with Vanessa.
..i hope he recharges his batteries again.. it seems like as soon as he does recharge.. he's run down again..and tired.
..god.. i miss him..
.. ..this post is tired and run down. Still got to work in a bit for mawm..
..
..o' the humanity.. ..>v<