{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
martes, marzo 23, 2004
-->>
..the best ..
..how many times is my body going to shut down to the point where i can't feel.. i'm not real and the need to
imbead someting in my flesh is my only way out of the 'non-feeling' desperation.
It overcomes me.. yes.. i fight it.. perhaps never hard enough to anyones' likeing.. but .. but but.. . .. . . .
.. i called Jo at least.. that's good ,right..
Jo loves me enogh to at least to listen.. yeh?? He knew i was gonna need to feel.. i was honest..
..he is one of the best friends i have,right??
..no it's not fair.. i know. I know he will worry as soon as i hang up.. but in that desperation..the need calls me..
hails.. obviously it's nothing romantic.. but a shreiking siren.. as if..some one is bellwoing over a loud-speaker.. and you are bound and chained to concrete slab.. and the speaker is in your face.. my god how one would want it to shut off..
..i can't stop thinking.. i can't stop voices..i can't stop seeing heads and tigers.. and things..
..even all that would not bother me so much except when i need to feel.
..and after i do feel and life enters my nervous system.. all i do is think..think think..
..how many times will this keep up.. before all these 'differant things' i keep trying actually work..
.. and much more can my body take??
What's left??
..love ..again ..time
and time and time again..
.. when even when it isn't needed by the one i love so dear.. and all the ones i cherish.. Sara,Cousin,Jo,Perezs,Joyce,Myrna..ect. ..-
.. it's all i can find.. ..
he's all i can see.. and anymore.. he's all i can see counting .. to keep this body up..
.. and ultimatly..he makes me feel.
.. he brings the best the worst in me..
and the best in me.. and i'm reminded of these things all the time.. perhaps to divert my attention to that..
..the next time i can't feel..
..i hope.. god ..i hope.. .. ..
..>v<
@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#
-->> have to feel.. god ..
ah fuck
.. not again no.. fuck you fuck you no..
domingo, marzo 21, 2004
-->> 
..tiger attack..didn't see that one..
.. the general nightmares i seem to get don't usually
..from what i can remember of my dreams..they don't seem to re-hash early,tragic or
disturbing events..
like ..i don't have nightmares of getting run over by 2 motor vehicles in one night..
touching dead bodies when i was real little.. or just.. shit that happens.
.. i 've had more of a focused energy tword getting the web site finished..
while a little loose..
..i figure as long as i can keep plugging at it with Mike's help.. we'll gert it done.
I've been so frustrated,my web site stuff has been in shambles for over 2 years now..
and soemthing that for me was a labour of love ..and an incredible amount of neurotic
but intense amount of work ..was left to the weigh side.only to be worked on here and there as
we plugged-along.
The past few months ..the site re-design and re-building has been getting better..so ,we'll see. I have been working alot on this,and it has been keeping me up 'til 7 or 8 A.M. some of these days..
//
..i've only been up an hour and a half or so.. i still have to go to Pops to work..
but i'm shaking and nervous.. .. it's hard to even type clear.
//
Long ago ..i got hurt bad.. and the past year ..new things and issues about ..who i am..or whatever
have been popping up.. i've had it used against me.. and i've been forced to cope with it.
.. but when got hurt bad.. .. ..i didn't tell anyone.. for the longest fucking time.. i didn't tell anyone.
.. why Mike was the first i jsut spilled it to is kind of beyond me..all i know is that i trust him thru' and thru' with everything..so.. 8
..the person that hurt me..
told me never to tell anyone or i'd get beat up bad.. i wasn't the biggets most self-confident little guy back then..
and odds are..if that shit happened now-a-days
..i'd prolly put up a big fiht and the person would get hurt himself..
I didn't ever..know how to sort this shit out.. so..i didn't..
until the day i was asked for 'details' about this incident.
Yeh..it was sexual.. and yeh.. i think it fucked me up bad..
i hate re-counting this shit.. and my hate for the person is fairly welling. The guys that hurt me..
and the persons that especially hurt ,sexually..some of the dearest people i love i hate as much as
i hate President Bush..
and whatever heaven or hell holds in store for them.. well
.. i'll prolly see them in hell..i hope.
//
..i had a Nightmare..bad this afternoon.. it's hard to tell where the nightmares begin or end..
cuz i was seeing alot of heards surrounding me on the bed ..
.. the person who did this was there taunting me.. i wasn't scared of him tho'
..i was confused at first..then angry.. he wanted to hurt me .. this time..i picked up one of the heads..
and threw it at him.. and i lunged at his throat.. he hit the back of his head on some kind of rocks..
..i hope he was bleeding..
.. i think i was trying to kill him..like i wanted to destroy all this.. ..the heads kept attacking me tho'
..like i was a weak tiger being attacked by raveging hyeanas..i dunno.
I got kicked by the person and i was flown to the ground..it seemed like it was rocky..
and i grabed some kind of rock to smash on him. But he had a gun and shot me.
I woke up ..and i have been seing heads all this time..they are here right now.
Tiger was trying to destroy him..tiger was trying to destroy the pain..
.. i'm not so much i fear right now.. but i do think i'm generally very afraid..
i usually cannot remember my dreams..and when i do..it's usually when i have just
gotten up out of bed from sleep. I pinched myself now.. so i must be awake.
.. i don't know.. i want to get out of here.
..i miss being whole.. and i hate my brain.. i hate my dreams..
and i hate those that fuck with the ones i love.
..i don't know.. Tigers need to run now .. i miss Miguel..i miss Mis.Spratford..
i miss Mike Baker..i miss Zach..even jerky ,Van..
..tiger's heart is mania .. >v<