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jueves, abril 01, 2004 audio post powered by audblog ..? ? ? ? ?..   miércoles, marzo 31, 2004 -->> ..neck .. i've had enough cliches crammed down my throat to know.. after all is said and done.. .. they do not work.. and yes ..you fight this alone.. ..now i'm caving under the might of the pain once again.. ..and..i am here alone.. once again.. .. ..the people with cliches are ,,again..prolonging the inevitable// //that's why i have been to hospital.. taken pills.. and gone the gammut of doctors.. .. no as i fight this tonight.. .. my neck is talking to me.. .. i'm feeling a very coarse 'tightening' around my neck.. and it's a very strong feeling.. .. i'm completely overwhelmed by it.. and it's prompting me to do something about it.. .. i am listening to this feeling.. .. it's quite alluring.. ..i think i'm about to vomit.. .. i don't know what to do.. yet.. all i hear is eminating from my neck.. .. and all i see are skulls.. .. i don't know what to do .. .. i don't know.. .. i think i need to follow the feeling.. .. maybe i need to feel it.. ..>v< ------- -->> ..consumed.. ..it's totally consumed me.. once again.. .. it's like i'm back in 2002 again.. i can't take it anymore.. .. i'm supposed to get the MRI's from Jan. read today.. i have been working all night .. my body is exhausted.. i can't sleep.. and i'm supposed to be at school.. .. i'm drowing in pain.. no Fuck all of you that keep me from my freedom.. ..you don't love me.. you love the fact that i maintain this pain// that i continue to drown in it.. and frankly.. ..as long as you don't have to live in it ..you just don't care.. ..the simple facts are..i am not meant for this mundane ,putrid existance.. .. for such a world that tells me i need to live.. it's the same world that has such devalue for human life.. My god, President Bush.. i'll see you when you get to hell you mother fucker.. ..i hope you will have to face all the people and their loved ones you killed you,bastard.. .. suicide is not a bad word.. get used to it.. .. i'm not killing anyone but me.. get used to it.. .. and i am not meant to loved by anyone.. .. the past 8 months have proven that.. .. fuck this.. .. .. .. ..noone listens to me..unles i take pills.. fine.. ..I WILL DIE.. !! .. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   martes, marzo 30, 2004 -->> ..Alistair Cooke.. 1908-2004.. .. i don't totally know what people will remember him from..Masterpiece Theater.. .. but he is renouned for his BBC program .. Letter from America..which ran for 58 years or so.. ..the longest running show of it's kind.. The local NPR has been running the BBC World for a few years now.. and the perspectives and stories i heard thru the lil' old 'Sears Silvertone' i keep on the stand in the kitchen more often than not hits these ears for more hours of the day and night than i would have expected.. and i prolly listen to the NPR more than any other radio anymore.. Mr.Cooke had an incredibly intelligent,calm and engaging voice.. not that it matters what i think.. but i've listened to radio scince i was a child ( there usually is one on 24-7 around me anymore..) ..and alot of times ..has been a great calm to me. He was a wonderful storyteller.. and a good man.. you could tell.. Mr.Cooke will be greatly missed.. and i am very sad.. .. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   lunes, marzo 29, 2004 -->> ..the eyes have it.. I'm continuing re-building the site with small portions of help from Mike.. this i 'it' .. ..this is what i was talking about.. if i don't have my sh9t together with this. ..the damm web site that has been my main source of outlet for work..art,stories,blogg, you name it.. it was something i spent countless hours on.. it has been a learning exprience ,yes. A coping mechanism.. and something that has given me some amount of exposure in the strange web-communities i get involved with. Over a year ago..Mike and me made a bunch of promises to eachother to get this web-site out the limbo it's been in and back into it's slow but regularly maintained 'fun-site' .. it get's hard to sort out. While Mike and me made excuse after excuse as to why this sh7t wasn't getting done.. why my website wasn't out of the state it has been for over 2 years now.. ..he'd always sure as hell start off with his stuff.. and always put me on the back burner.. even when i needed just a simple leg up.. i'd always come second.. and i guess that is and has been Mike.. ..so it seems anyway.. .. i've beome more and more agoraphobic.. .. while i force myself out all the time.. i usually become very VERY nervous and increasingly shakey and twitching around restaurants.. and stores in the day time. ..i've been like this at school.. but even that has gotten worse.. i've not been to school in 2 weeks.. ..i'm constantly being watched by heads.. and the voices are increasing.. along with my medicine. While i never really told myself i was a 'night person' .that's becoming more and more the key too.. While i hate the company so much.. Wal-mart ..particularly the one by me..it's about a 7 minute walk away.. has become a sort of break place and refuge.. it's not uncommon for me to go around the middle of the night or 3 in the morning just to stop in and walk around.. alot of the night staff no me by face and name.. and some even came up with their own names for me.. Slack,Sweeties,Baby,Always-here,bum .. .. it's really nice to see friendly faces in my most manic hours. When i was a kid..i was always feeling things were watching me.. someone.. Santa.. things.. just somehow.. 'Big Brother' or whatever is out there was watching me.. and there was nothing i could do about it. Eating,sleeping,scratching myself,clothed,naked or in a toga.. it wouldn't matter.. i was always being watched. That general paranoia is here to this day..i am used to it.. in fact i'm fairly posotive someone is watching me somehow right now. no..not just some supernatural event or god.. just someone else out there.. whatever.. nothing i can do about it. ..you can say i'm 'calling out for attention' ..or 'just need to buck up' .. .. really i don't give a shit.. i've been getting all these cliches placebos so often anymore.. and too often the past couple decades..it doesn't matter. ..i see myself dead. a and very dead ..very soon .. .. i still have my 'plan' .. and it's mine.. May comes around.. things need to look alot different..or i am going to do what i need for my freedom from this maddness. But i still have alot of work to do..and some posibilities in the fog..so ..we'll see,right?? ..i don't know.. i'm so loathing this pain sometimes.. while i increasingly get used to it.. at so many points my body keeps breaking down and i' m slowly destroying it. ..i see myself alive..sometimes too.. ..but how to obtain that semblence of relative calm and the pain the past several moths have laid upon me.. ..these eyes cry alot.. andople suffer so much more than me.. god.. ..well 'see' .. yeh.. ..>v< .. ..? ? ? ? ?..