{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..

viernes, abril 09, 2004 -->> .. damm he's good.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   miércoles, abril 07, 2004 -->> .. guess what ?? .. i passed.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   martes, abril 06, 2004 -->> .. damm i want a dog.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   lunes, abril 05, 2004 -->> .. .. ..i was asleep about 2 hours .. then just a few moments i awoke with fear again.. .. i constantly fear for him.. i con ctantly need to know he's ok.. not just with me but in life in general.. .. yeh i know it gets old.. .. the fear is so fried.. god.. but that's not his fault.. ..it isn't.. it wasn't ever.. these things aren't anyone's.. .. ..i'll nap some more now.. hopefully..i'll be charged to go face my big mess at the school today.. .. god.. ..i just wanted him to tell me ..sometimes..That everything is going to be ok.... .. i wish i could tell that to him sometimes too.. .. .. .. i wish i could make it all go away.. -->> ..mire en el espejo .. .. ..it's nice to have a more stable computer than the old one sitting behind me.. no more hard crashes.. windows 98 bugs.. ..continual locking up and so many problems with Dreamweaver ect.. .. the frustration levels i get when ..especially i'm so manic..it impales me.. and i end up screaming and trying not to smash my head in the walls..(yeh,litterally..) ..but this thing does like to 'Shut Down' inadvertantly.. which made me loose whatever the f7ck i was gonna post here. .. i've bairly left this pit here within the past 3 weeks..sunday night marked a nice short visit with cousin..he's been working doubles..so meeting up with him is fairly rare nowadays.. Jo's phone has been on the fritz.. so.. no contact there.. my family hasn't been answering their phones or pagers. I try my best to understand..and i so my best not to let it get to me like it used to. It does feel ..more and more and more.. i am becoming so much more of a burden on everyone.. and no matter what i do ..it's not good enough.. for me,Miguel,my family.. Mr.Olsen.. Jo .. everyone is generally just seemingly upset with me. As my contraversial logic goes.. when i stop and think about it.. being dead is so much more logical than the day before. However.. .. my day ..for example may start on Monday..and the very next day may as well be Friday.. it doesn't like i haven't been to school in 3 weeks.. it may as well have been a day or 2.. Anxiety is pouring in as the work piles up..Wednesday ..my permit expires and i'm gonna attempt to get my license.. with the current gas situation,no insurence, and the anxiety of the iditot drivers this city supplies.. i'm terrified.. but it's something i have to do scince my transportation has hit an all time low. ..later today i have to go to the school to discuss with the Counselor at the handicap division the dealing of what is left of the semester and what can be done for me to get out of there.. Graduating,Certificates.. by passing what is required for my degree..or what-not certificates ..and where i wanna go..what i wanna do.. .. . .. . ? ? ? ? . ? ?s... sr hrufhhiskfjdafrefwe9f430f grgureigueirug9er04g d at some point it just starts to blur time and time again.. ..and i come home after my time with cousin.. Call Mig real fast.. sayin' i'm gonna work on my web site things he is helping me with.. and His Web Logg.. fills me with that sadness that i so dread.. ..and to cover my bases.. and to give my take (for myself) on his perspective..again.. cuz i just don't know how to deal with it when i seem ..if anything to have let him down as a brother.. or a friend.. and heart just.. wrenches.. ..he may not even read this ..and for awile there..i was thinking he wasn't reading my sh7t posts here.. ..in his words:: So many things are not going on and it's difficult to keep track of them all. Everyday I get to bed a little later than usual and I wake up a lot later than usual. I'm tired, achy ... and sometimes I'm just irritable. I hate feeling this way. But something's gestating in me that may be sucking up all my energy. -->> .. that part rips and tears you down.. makes my heart jump to my throat.. and the tears come.. Maybe it'll pop out of my chest soon and leave me in peace. -->> ..maybe.. 8( I use the Visine daily. My eyes are always bloodshot and it's the only thing that keeps my co-workers from thinking I'm on narcotics. Trust me, I don't think I'd be feeling so shitty if I was on drugs. -->> ..i wonder that myself.. i'm always getting stereo-typed as 'on drugs' ..maybe if i did something illegal ..like i did years ago.. maybe people would think i was normal.. I was invited to an advanced DVD showing of Kill Bill Vol. 1 this evening... Unfortunately, I decided not to go -- For one, it would have run from 7-9 at least and well, I've got to be at work. Another reason is, I just don't feel like I'm up to it. -->> .. 8( I hate losing an entire hour. Instead of getting to bed at 6 a.m., as I have been for the past three days, I didn't finally hit my pillow until 7 this morning.... Of course, it was because of the Springing forward that we all did. Maybe if I hadn't been in the chatroom all night, I would have finished my work early and been able to have a good night's sleep. But let's face it, even if I had gotten home early, I would have found some excuse not to go to bed right away. -->> ..my days start where the nights begin.. the past 3 weeks i've become a total night person.. Don't ask me why. That's just the way I've been lately. -->> .. ..i wish i could make it all go away.. So. He's told me not to read his blog anymore and I've decided that I won't. -->> i had become under the impression he WASN'T.. finally he reveals to me that he has been.. so.. he tells me how much it stresses him and makes him worry.. and i feel like more of a burden.. so what am i supposed to say .. don't read it ..i'm dumm.. i read his.. i guess i should have figured he reads mine.. shows how stupid i am.. Next time he asks, "Do you look at anything I do?!" I guess I'll just say no. -->> his opinion is important to me.. i don't ask tho.. "o HEY..DID YOU READ MY BLOG?? " .. i ask him questions about code,art work and such .. but.. well .. he generalises whatever way he sees fit.. We had a long discussion about it. Nearly the same tired discussion that we've had for months. But maybe we're making headway... maybe? He's doing a lot better than before. I'm doing a lot worse. -->> ..what i didn't want him to know how increasingly suicidal i've become.. and so hopeless ..that my hole body weakens..and getting out of the bed is like lifting a whale from the bottom of the ocean with a pair of tweasers// ..in my ignorance.. he was watching me the whole time.. Yeah, I would rather we didn't talk daily, since it rehashes everything there was between us. He enjoys hearing my voice because it reminds him of the good times. -->> It's the one sided way he always sees it.. and when i even tell him it's just nice to talk to him.. there he says.. I, on the other hand, can't get past the bad times..... Seems they are always there....it reminds him of the good times .. he's my best friend.. it is me talking to my best friend.. great.. now he's reading more into everything.. jesus.. This of course, is why he doesn't agree to my preference for talking once or twice a month on the telephone. -->> He admitted to me he wasn't a 'telephone' person.. i told him he was also part of my support.. not the only support.. we both differ in the fact that i prefer voice over text and vice-verca.. i don't know.. i feel so retarded right now.. In my opinion, we'd be able to talk on friendlier terms... we'd be happy to hear from each other... -->> ..prolly so..i'd also be more manic.. sometimes my only hi-lights in a week are the times i get to talk to him.. obviously it's the reverse effect on him.. apperantly we can't even shoot the breeze..and talk about the good things or the technical things like web site stuff.. without it becoming something else.. ..sometimes it turns into a deeper conversation.. and i don't even know how it gets there when we do it. Then i stop and breath.. and try to get it back on track.. .. least i try.. He would realize that he doesn't need my voice to go on in life. But of course, he'd rather stay in his comfort zone -- at the expense of my happiness. -->> .. there has been no comfort zone.. i'm so suicidal anymore.. and i'm fried of even saying the 'S' word.. .. in fact..other than here.. i don't talk about it. unless 'THEY' bring it up.. now it's down to a match of words.. and i'm feeling more like shit.. yeh.. that's comfort.. yeh.. It hurts him to be a burden on me. And honestly, it hurts me too. He knows he never was before. -->> ..yeh i was.. I genuinely care for him and want him to be well -- to get better -- just like he wants. In the past, I was happy to be there for him. I wanted to carry him when he couldn't walk. -->> ..i wanted to walk and be strong so i could be there for him.. But now, to be brutally honest, I'm just sick of it -- I'm tired. -->> Join the club.. I feel like an old man with the weight of the world on his shoulders, when really it's a 165 lb mass of paranoia, confusion, mania and rage whose head I've been struggling to keep above water for over a year now. -->> ..and even what is simple becomes a struggle.. ..nothing makes sence.. and as i reply.. i'm ripping at the seams some more.. Meanwhile, I've been submersed -- drowning in everything the world spits at me. It takes it's toll and dealing with it has proven very difficult -- especially lately. -->> .. i do my best to not be the burden he sees and he and i feel .. seems as if i was failing the whole time.. I'm not saying that he doesn't have heart, talent, smarts and humor. We all know he does. But, while those who don't know him as deeply as I do see these qualities as prevelant, I see it all... because we're so close, I get the darker side of it more often. -->> ..i try my best to show him.. that i am doing my best to shine.. not for him ..but for me.. ..and even that is dark.. So, according to him, I need to change my perspective on these complex personality traits or just learn to live with them. -->> .. and yet as i try to change my complex personality traits .. for myself..for anything.. ..god.. he misinterprets everything i say.. .. guess i'm a fine one to talk.. That's why he told me to stop reading his blog. So I won't get upset by the things he posts about me and his other friends or family. -->>Yeh.. right ..that's why i started this shit thing ,right.. it wasn't meant as something theraputic or nothin' ..NAAAAAAAAW.. it's a Bitching Rag ?? .. .. awsome.. you know i feel like shit when i read the newpapers.. so.. damm .. ok.. awsome.. 8( So he can continue venting his frustrations as he wishes, without having to worry if it hurts our feelings or not -- All the while, still getting the vocal support he craves whenever he calls here. -->> ..yeh.. i'm just the schizophrenic vampire.. hey.. damm i might as well be dead right now.. vampires aren't alive.. .. god.. Great for him. But maybe I made a mistake in telling him he needed to be a little more selfish all those months ago. -->> ..now i feel like his mistake .. .. he's getting darker.. and i'm getting more lost.. and i just become emotional frail and need of someting i crave.. ..not a friend who needs support as much as he gets and needs mine.. ..then he doesn't read my blog.. and i read his and worry and he worries if i don't call then it all just goes down and down.. and.. ..and i look in the mirror.. i was once called a big Question mark .. and that's all i see.. .. i do my best to learn from my mistakes.. i so want redemption.. ..that's prolly it.. huh.. i haven't been redeemed.. cuz he hasn't forgiven me.. "If misfortune has already occred,it is best not to worry about it, so we do not add fuel to the problem. Don't ally yourself with past events by lingering on them. Let the past take care of itself, and transport yourself to the present while taking whatever measures are necessary to ensure that such a misfortune never occurs again, now or in the future. -- His holiness .. the Dalai Lama .. why won't he listen to me.. as much as he 'really knows me' .. .. why won't he trust in me.. ?? .. i know he already has faith in himself.. and in God.. ..and maybe when he wrote that he was just extremly exhausted..and when that happens..words and feelings can get heavy.. .. .. i don't know.. .. like i said..i still have my heart.. .. and it doens't know where it is right now.. .. the moment.. the present.. ..keep that in mind,tOkKa .. and everyone.. .. i'm a fine one to talk, huh.. .. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..