{ the dead archival }
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
sábado, abril 17, 2004
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..pig got yir tounge..
..late last night i felt like hell.. running around campus all day trying to 'fix' things.. i already dropped the math class in order to protect my GPA and maybe get some sort of independant study in that over the summer.
The class room enviroment in something like that is way too much for me to handle.. i'm far too nervous around these people.. and i'm constantly getting up..going for walks around the campus ot manically washing my hands in the rest room..pretending that i've really gone to take a pi55..
..damm ..i posted 3 times yesterday//
.. i did all i could to cover my bases.. sent in request for scholarship and financial aid.. and i will need to write a report for consideration of another scholarship.
I told my father i really needed to talk to him.. i called him from school while i was working asking for a ride after i was finished.. he said yeah.. but he wanted me to magically come up with a copy of Microsoft Office so the knuckle-heads at the dealership could have soemthing they should already have on their comps.. jees.. (i lent him my old copy of Win 98.. it has old Office on there.. it's all i could think of on short notice).
....meantally wiped out.. feeling so hated by Mike..and everyone.. i 've had to come to the conclusion that i need to just get a pill i'm not afraid to take.. if it gives me enough seratonin (sp) ..so i can come up with enough strength to start tackling these big life choices wwith confidense.. Mike doesn't have any in me anymore..the other night he was feeling like shit so.. again..me and my bad timing.. fuck me.
I ran into my computer graphics teacher..asked him he'd consider letting me do a special project or somhing for credit.. but he was real 'if' -y.. i don't blame him.. but i need to cover my ass. He told me to find out my options now that the withdrawl date officially ended at 5 P.M. yesterday..
My head was killing me..and i couldn't scan in any artwork or Ninja Turtles stuff i had for Mike cuz the network locked me out and i couldn't use the scanner. Fucking paranoid Tech services must only want the teachers to use the scanner.. morons..they treat all the students like shit and god.. i'm sick of fighting this 'anti-MAC' shit.. god. i have been here too long.
When Pop came to get me.. my head was throbbing and i just wanted to go out into the middle of the freeway and get run down by a fleet of car transports..spilling cleaning chemicals all day and too much exposure to computers the past few weeks.. i guess i can only blame myself..
He pulled in to Denny's.. i could only half feel.. my noggin' was what was killing me hard-core..the people in the kitchen were having problems..and the poor waitresses were bumbling around cuz they were short..there was a small crowd in the restaurant and they all seemed frustrated and frazzled.
They stuck us in the smoking section..which i guess for the weekend it was turned into non-smoking..and like i always do when i go into these places.. i bring out stuff to draw.. it's not to be rude.. i do my best to give the other person eye contact..but i'm too anti-social in uncomforatable and tight quarters.. i may as well draw..
He was cool and calm..prolly cuz he was tired from work.. but he said..kind of jokingly.. 'Here you are digging thru' your Ninja Turtle drawing stuff..when you said you wanted to talk to me.'
..i felt bad.. i DID want to talk to him..some jerks behind us were real rowdy..and the whole place had a vauge smell of smoke,bumbling people and the fucking idiots behind us making fun of people with HIV for some reason.. i wish i'd turned around and vomited on them..i was getting that sick.
..i danced around the issue of what i really wanted to tell him. And i couldn't really tell if he had an idea or not. Joyce has hinted that he already knows.. but i just can't go based on that.
I'd imagine just about anytime a guy or lady comes out to thier family ..it's a tense and awkward moment.. jeus to fuck i wish i'd had been there in the flesh when Mike came out to his family.. he was sweating bullets and kind of was forced into telling them.
..but here i am.. thinking i could tell him.. knowing that i really need to.. get this sh2t off my back.. and he'd be like..'Well i don't approve of it..but it's your life and i love and respect you. "
Or it could be that sour face he gets.. then he jerks and shrugs.. and mumbles.. and then he snaps and yells at me..
..i didn't have enough energy to worry about it.. and it was a relativly uncomfortable place to be.
.. i did tell him about school.. how Jo told me to start looking at schools my pop and counselor told me to look at ones in Texas or what-not that hopefully will take most of my credits..maybe a community college that would be a little more open..unless there is a good arts school.. i just don't know. I let the 'gay' issue go.. it wasn't a good time.
..we ate or dinner..he brought me home and swore i'd tell him.. i said Joyce suggested i talk to him about some heavy stuff.. and if the enviroment is more appropriate then i will.. i'm supposed to see him again today or tommorow.. so.. maybe.
..i just so want to die.. and i don't gaurantee that i won't.. it's my life.. plain and simple..i'm fried fighting people on it,i do my best not to be vocal about it,it is the most justified in my mind than it ever has been.. and my heart,mind and flesh have worn as thin as rice paper.. enough is enough..
For now.. i've got a few more weeks to keep cranking on finishing up with the re-build of the web site,make some plans for summer semester..figure out my trip to San Diego.. and what lies ahead when i move to where-ever.
The fucking christians came in and took the soul that was once this community.. all the real christians went into obscurity.. all the good people that made this once thrivng city whole.. are in patches.. and i am loathing it here more and more.
There is too much death here and so much hurt..
Everyone is aprehensive about every decision i've ever made..every step i've taken..if it is to a negative or a posotive end..or if i mean well or what.. no matter what i do it's wrong ..like i'm destroing these normal peoples' litle worlds if i don't do it the 'right' way that they's do it.
They insist i don't listen to them.. and the one love the most has so little faith in me ..and obviously has some issues within himself.. what can i say to anymore..??
..the bottom line..
..Pop asked me where i thought i belonged..
.. i told him i don't belong anywhere..
>v<
viernes, abril 16, 2004
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.. i'll finish off the Lexapro.. see if doctor will put me back on Prozac.. i'll keep taking the fucking Geodon.. Monday i will talk about my alternatives for school.. i will attend here in this school in the summer.. and i will do all i can to see what will transfer.. who knows..
.. i can't take it anymore..
..everyone is so aprehensive in everything i do.. it just doesn't make sence to them... i don't.. maybe i'll move to Texas.. maybe California,New york.. i don't know .. we'll see.. ..
.. but it's time to start looking into other options seeing as how the fact is i'm just not going to get that fucking degree anytime soon..
.. maybe the damm Prozac will give me some motivation to move forward..
.. i don't care.. there is nothing left..if i die.. fine..
.. it's time.. it's time to stop letting this shit bury me..
.. it won't happen overnight.. but well Next week is next week..this is now..
and whatever decisions i make well.. they are just gonna piss people off no matter what i do..i guess i need to accept it..
..i'm trying ..at least i know i am 'doing' as well.. if they don't see .. there's nothing i can do about it. Someday they'll see someday..
..
.. >v<
~~~**
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..sugar smack..
..yeh..it's just time to stop hiding from my father.. just tell him.. about all of this.. enough.. i'm scared as hell.. but whatever...
.. i will always be wrong forever..shit..i wish my problems came in these easy to handle packages..
..i wish his did..
..that would be great.. really..if they came at a time when the people i turn to for support were feeling ok ..
..if it was all in sync..i'm pretty sure things would be much more smooth than it is now.
He has convinced himself i am not trying.. his whole family is convinved i am a fool.
So be it.. ok..i get some really bad news yesterday.. ye i turn to the one i trust the most.. and well.. it turns into a whirlwind of burdensome bullshit.
Well .. i'm going to look into going to school elsewhere..his family is still very aprehensive about me moving down there.
But what's done is done.. he doesn't see that i 'SEE' that.. he thinks i'm going to pack up things over night and just move down there and it will be the end of the world.
.. well.. i baisically need a change of environment.. i've needed that for a long time now..
..i'm not even saying Texas IS where i'm going.. but.. at this point.. no.. i Refuse to stay another year here to get this hopeless degree .. it's Colorado Springs.. it's killing me..
.. he's got it pretty good .. he knows he does.. he knows we both are struggling with insurmountable odds and bullshit .. we both have support.. he doesn't like to look at me as part of that support..
..but he said i'm 'dedicated' ..
..to him..to his website..to my work.. i'm 'dedicated' .
Fine..his whole family can go on thinking i am an idot who won't let go.. he can convinve himself that i'm just this burdening thing.
// ..but i warn EVERYONE.. Stop fucking with my heart ..
if he cannot find the faith to trust me.. if he cannot find the strength in me ..that even simply i am his friend.
..then ok.
.. ok .. his same little demons that dance around my heart and poke and prod.. and i am caplable of nothing but wrong.. he always handled it the right way..
..i listen to everything he says..he says i don't..
..and it bacomes a whole other battle.
I'm not going to fight that battle anymore..i'm going to get out of here.. one wa or the other.
..everyone so wants me to be happy..and they want a peice of me..but nothing i do to try to make it better is 'right' ..
..so..i'll play the fool a litle while longer..and keep trying or die trying..
..it's time to move on..i don't know where yet.. but.. i'm not his enemy.. and he's not mine..
..
.. .. i gotta go.. ..>v<
-->>
..o' sure..that would be the GOOD kind..
..maybe it's time.. .. you slaped with this ..slapped with that.. this that.. lalala..
.. the bull shit in a day in a week ..in a month.. what really??
We all deal with shit.. i'm a fine one to say i deal with anything.. a billion people have it so bad..
yeh ..duh.. tell me REMIND ME.. REMIND ME how many people are suffering so bad that they would
just give heaven and earth to have this 'REDICULOUS' life of mine..
Really.. Humour me.. anyone.. sh8t come on!!
Do it !! I got it great right?? Why should i complain.. why should i keep callin' him?? Why should i continually be this rediculousd burden all of you ,huh??
What?? What i do in a day that fucks you over huh?? What.. cuz i think the phrase ACCEPT JESUS CHRIST AS MY PERSONAL SAVIOR is prolly near the biggest crock of sh7t and farce this planet has ever endured??
.. i ahve a bumper sticker i got at San Diego last summer..it's just funny..that's all.. it sez.. "JESUS HELPS ME TRICK PEOPLE".. it is on my tool box and in general my tool box goes everywhere with me. Why the fuck a Christian lady6 on the damm bus has to drill me on the meaning of this sticker and if i ...."have accepted Jesus Christ as my savior cuz i don't know what that sticker means.." ..i lied... i told her i was saved.. and that it was just a bumper sticker..
.. i really wanted to say.. What?? Fuck you.. you are going to let a simple bumper sticker be the baisis on how you judge people.. ?? Hell i may as well declare the toaster my personal savior and just go from there.. hell.. all my Eggos will be warm n' buttery..all my pop tarts will be sweet n' tastey hot.. and all the fluffy bagels can rest easy atnight that they aren't going to do to hell like all the Krispy Kremes.. ..bitch..
..no.. this hill billy city would tar and featehr you and bury you alive in bibles before just getting off their high and mighty asses and just shut up.. this is not the Jesus i was raised to know.. and odds are.. the so called 'Christians'.. not the real ones..but these fakers suck the humanity out of spiritualityand i'm sure when Jesus comes.. i'm pretty posotive more than not..those that think they aren't gonna be left behind.. WILL !!
..
..the biggest slap in the face on Thursday..
.. getting to school was ok.. it took forever on the bus.. but other than Mr.Olsen getting a little upset at me for forgetting to lock up his design books last night.. i was hoping for just some answers with metting up with him.. (he's my teacher,boss as well as my advisor).. he told me i'm looking at one more year ..MAY 2005 ..before i can get a degree and graduate..
..killing any remaining ,fleeting and 'REDICULOUS' hopes of me getting out of that school.
..feeling extremly manic,frustrated and very defeated..
// like noone.. as long as i've been at that school and the over 100 credits i've obytained.. and the extremely unusual and special circumstanses within my time at the school..they can't wave things and give me at least some certificates.. or a degree.. or anything.. no.
..no.. no magic dean or Degree Fairy.. no.. doesn't ever work that way.. does it.
.. but i got it easy ,right.. i accepted the Lord Jesus Toaster as my personal savior and i'm so rediculous // really..i'm just a spoiled brat.. right ??
..and here..suicidal i sit.. for the zillionth time.. my life hanging in the balance .. just this horrible and rediculous person who just 'Golly Gee whillickers.. why can't i just absorb thos ewonderful happy ,puffball cliches.. and stop being such the rediculous person.. oo ' ..
..why can't i just get over 'it' .. it ..IT ??
..well shit..i thought i was.. o but that's right.. i just don't do a good job.. hmm hmm hmm..
.. i don't do a good job of 'it'..
..seems really no matter what i do.. ANYTHING.. ANY FUCKING THING..it's not good enough.. it's not right.. it's wrong..it's not the way 'THEY' would do it..it's rediculous.. it's anything .. anything but right..
..but at least i'm dedicated.. ..least that's good.. i guess..yeh..
..noone trusts me.. and.. well fuck.. what now.. ??
..maybe i'll just make it easier and tell my father..it's time..
so what.. if i get thrown out of the family.. if i'm lucky.. it's tricky.. when i'm the most hurt it sure feels like i was manipulated just for a nice fuck up the ass..(no..i know that wasn't the case.. but really this 'thing' was quite rediculous from the start) .. i'll come out to my father.. jsut get it over with and let the chips fall.
Least one of us has 'THAT' going for us.. at least he is out to his family at least they know..
AND SUDDENLY EVERYONE IS THINKING THIS IS ..ALL OF THIS IS REDICULOUS.. ..ok so..
..they don't hate me.. But his family thinks i'm reiculous .. well at least they have eachother..i have noone..
..i don't have the upper hand..the final word.. and this is not an idle final threat..
....i'm hitting the final straws..
..yeh it hurts.. and it's hurting more and more and worse and worse.. no.. not just 'Him'..
EVERYTHING ..absolutly everything..
..ok..soo um.. hmm..
..He called me 'rediculous'..
.. they called me 'rediculous' .. and baisicaly cuz i have choose to keep my friendship.. it's 'rediculous'.. cuz i'm doing everything i can to fight this war in my head.. it's rediculous.
.. to fight the thoughts of the need to die..to fight the thoughts of the lack of will to live in this mundane shit..
..I AM Fucking REDICULOUS!!
..what's really rediculous is the mania.. the manic,mind,the chaos.. no i'm darker and darker and darker all the time..
.. and i have something that these people don't have.. something that IS MINE.. and my 'REDICULOUS' life's only hope anymore.
.. i have a plan and a very instant releif for me.. yeh.. so..
..it's baisically just about the 'final countdown'.. and i know i'm going to die.
..And my rediculous mind is so numb from all these slaps..
.. and then the fact that he wasn't feeling well, he was having a bad day..and he's a little bitter..
he's so black and white and close minded..but i don't know if i can blame him..
.. or can i?? .. maybe it'd be fair.. he blames me for alot of shit.
.. ..the thought of him makes me plug along for another..makes me continue the fight..makes me think and pray for something better..
..and he seems to think that's redicluous too.
.. and maybe the whole situation has just become schizophrenic.. and i'm feeling less and less i'm going to make it..
.. but the rediculous hope.. and that over-used word.. and all these people that i love and just don't get me..
..living in this pointless,hopeless,mundane.. yeh that's just dumb.
..and here my best friend has about as much faith in me as he would a smack in the face.
..maybe he'll feel beter in a little while. Maye i will..maybe i can sort it out..
.. i need to die.. MAYBE THEY NEED TO GET OVER THAT..@@!!
..and if i kill myself..he'll truly hate me.. god o god o god..
..and maybe that's just the way it has to be..
..tricky,sticky.. what do i do??
// // .. look into that heart.. what's there ,tOkK?? What's there?? .. seems real empty.. ..i'm so fried on the FEAR.. i hate this.. ..and this is rediculous.. i am rediculous.. welcome to hell..
.. .. talk to angel..see tiger..talk to heads.. those are my friends.. yeh..rediculous..
..maybe their heads and mine can get together for a tea party.. ..
.. and the fact that i care for him so deeply.. that's the only thing keeping me from searing myself..
.. i know it's not fair.. but this chaos is fair to me?? THIS WHOLE THING HAS BEEN Fucking REDICULOUS FROM THE START.. ..
..
.. .. ahh..that pain.. that fear and that pain.. he doesn't trust me.. ..he doesn't trust i can fight this.. and that if i see him in person..that i won't learn from my mistakes..
..redemption isn't an option.. .. ..well ..he kept using 'Maybes', and i don't knows..
.. so..i don't know.. who else needs to slap me?? ..do it now.. come on.. i'll turn the other cheek.
.. what to do ..what to do.. .. ..decision time is here.. and now.. .. .. .. and the fact that he is one of the reasons i try to live.. he seems to say that doesn't cout tword shit. That's the biggest slap in the face of them all.
.. >v<
miércoles, abril 14, 2004
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..every thing is old is new is old is new is old is.. ..
.. god..i just can't get away from the ghosts.. can i.. .. must collect my thoughts.. bbl .. >v<
martes, abril 13, 2004
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..If Chewbacca lives on Endor, then you must acquit ..
Sissy Space C. is fun as hell.. i got 'Create a South Park character'link from him..
SP ..i always liked.. but it is also kind of special..my cousin ,Daryl went to film school with Stone and Parker up at 'CU' in Boulder and is still in contact with them apperantly so.. i dunno..maybe i need to start hittin' Daryl up.. see if i can get a job .. (joke)..
~~~~**
..the talks to Mike have been fairly nice and calm and he has been helping me.. i'm am totally finished re-building all my old tOkKa stories and the web site is moving along.. the art gallery is next..
.. i have been falling asleep for a few hours here and there in the early mornings about 12 A.M. or so and waking up at 4 AM.. maybe it's good cuz i feel a little rested.. but i keep talking to things.. my sister drove me manic on sunday.. when i was driving (which i'm still fairly new at.. i just got my license in the mail yesterday..) she kept doing her stupid little annoying things..giving me wet willies,talking loud and annoying..grabbing the wheel from me from the passenger side,honking the horn at people and joking.. it was making me so nervous..i threatened to just pull the car over and walk. We were running errands and i was not in a real mood to drive ..it was good practice..but Kate was just being a real b7tch.. i was so nervois..i declined her offer of a ride to school on Monday.. i'll try to go to school today.
I did make it back back last Thursday..my teacher baisically said i was back cux ..'My back is against the wall..'
..it's true.. but i'm living with my back against the wall all the time.. i don't have any sence of belonging..and if i had a dime for every time my heart wrenches from missing Mike..i deffinatly would not be here.
Quotes and misquotes.. the past 4-5 weeks have been absolute hell.. and getting back into the 'swing' of things i really tricky.. but evrything takes it's toll anymore.. and whatever sence of purpose i felt has slowly been drifting away.
..i'm hanging tight.. but i am seeing more and more why i need to leave this horrid city.. it bugs me bad when i tell my teacher that i need to leave here .. and they insinuate that i'm going to stay here another year or two..
..i don't think so.. i feel death closer and closer anymore.. and this is not where i'm happy..this is not where i feel.. this place again..is mostly alot of pain to me.. it's time to steet on getting the f7ck out of here.. or i will be dead here very soon.
..in the mean time..i'm still working.. getting this stuff done.. and i prolly will be in school in summer.. again..i'm seeking some answers and god news. May will be here.. and i want at least a semblance of a plan.. yeh i will imply about it big time.
..noone should be in school this long.. noone.. i don't care how many cracks i fell thru' or how many 'special needs' i ahve..
..if there is a place for me like the normal people say there is.. and if i have to stay alive.. then things have to change.. i'm trying..and i always need to try harder..cuz i can't stay the po' little babe lost in the woods forever..
there's a lot of wolves out there..
..>v<
domingo, abril 11, 2004
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..Snow bunnies..
..that's about gonna cover it.. this Easter is a bit chilly and snowy.. Spring time in the Rockies..
..& 3 cheers for global warming !! Hip hop horray!!
..>v<