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@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
miércoles, abril 21, 2004
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Take small steps to venture down new path
..found this on the buisiness wire last night.. other than the fact it is slightly Ninja turtle related (and Eastman and Laird & mirage Studis as a whole are some of the best role models i've had..)
..i think it has some good points for business guys & life in general..
.. lately ..every decision i've made involving my heart,school or other wise has others really coming to conflict with that..
..i need to keep trying to follow my heart..despite what others say.. i'll admit (obviously)..it's f7cking hard..
.. it's still a good article..::
By Lona O'Connor, Palm Beach Post Staff Writer
Monday, April 19, 2004
We love to hear about people who finally do what they've always wanted to do. Two young men in Massachusetts invented the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They become the creators of a popular toy and television show. That morphed into movies, animation and much more.
You probably indulge in your own fantasies about quitting and opening a low-carb bran muffin bakery in Boulder, Colo., or anything besides what you're doing now. But you must remember: Don't quit until you've laid a solid foundation. Sometimes we force ourselves into an abrupt, dramatic change, so we can't turn back. This usually insures setbacks and disillusionment.
• Good vs. bad results. Taking a calculated risk means that you weigh all possible outcomes, good and bad. You consider the effect of the change on your family and on yourself. You realistically decide how much time, money and training it will take to make a change in your career. Only after you have planned and pre-visualized every step of the way can you quit your job. Maybe you don't change because you don't see yourself as the risk-taking type. Don't think of it as risk, think of it as growth.
Maybe everybody thinks what you want to do is a bad idea. Well, everybody doesn't have to live with the consequences of your decision, but you do. You are not your friends, and you are not your parents. Listen, but make your own decision.
One of the things that stops us from changing is fear of the unknown. If you do solid research, then it won't be unknown. Talk to people who have done what you want to do. Someone who has lived and worked in Paris can tell you that even the most glamorous city in the world can be dirty, depressing and lonely. With that kind of real-life knowledge, you can better judge if you still want to leave home for the Left Bank.
• So what if you fail? Concentrate on what will happen if you succeed. And if you try and fail, so what? The next time you try something will be easier, if you insist on learning from each setback -- and refuse to blame yourself.
Should you try something different if you're happy with what you're doing? Maybe not right this minute, but think back to the last time you were this happy with your job. How long did it last? What changed? Know yourself well enough to know how long it takes you to get restless. Look now for the seeds of discontent: Is your job starting to get easy? Always keep your mind open to the next step.
Maybe you don't take a chance because you can't imagine what else you'd do.
• Think backward. Recall when you were in grade school, when you thought you could be anything. Some of your childhood fantasies were your best hopes for yourself. Remind yourself of the talents you never developed.
• Think forward. Some of us evolve more slowly, and it takes us longer to realize what work makes us feel fulfilled. Maybe you started out wanting a job that provided lots of money and travel. Now what you want is a job that allows you to do something for someone else.
• Face a fear. There are chances you can take that eventually affect your work because they change you. If you're afraid of the water, learn to swim. Then learn to sail or scuba dive. If you lose weight or take a three-month sailing trip, you could end up managing a weight-loss center or writing an article for a sailing magazine.
The chance you take doesn't have to be something work-related. Most of us ride on a fairly narrow track throughout our careers. We didn't take dance lessons or go to art school because our parents told us we can't make a living at it. But if you're old enough to pay your own rent, you're old enough to try some of the things you got talked out of, way back when. Learn to cook or play golf.
These activities will lead you to new friends, new interests, new ways to make a living. It's not a straight path, but it's a sure one.
Lona O'Connor, author of Top 10 Dumb Career Mistakes and How to Avoid Them, has been writing about careers and workplace issues for 20 years. Got a problem at work? Write her at The Palm Beach Post, P.O. Box 24700, West Palm Beach, FL 33416-4700 or send an e-mail to lona_oconnor@pbpost.com.
::
..>v<
lunes, abril 19, 2004
-->> 
..imagine what you can sniff..??
..boy if those pills are gonna kick in.. it sure would be nice.. the Lexapro sure has a way of makin' one feel ill to the gut..
No..i'm not going on Cocain.. that Alf is a present for someone.. i got a bunch of gifts to get out soon.. hopefully i'll have enuff' cash to cover it.
..doesn't help the anxiety factor.. nor the mania..
..I got real paranoid yesterday morning.. after that dream.. the terror was just wrentching me and my whole day.. my pop took me to the hospital for lunch ..to show me the new Chapel.. but i was paranoid thinking he was goind to check me in to the ward. Stupid me. Myrna was visiting her aunt there so we had a small talk with her as we ate..
Another ideal time to talk with my pop.. but again.. it was innapropriate setting ..i don't know what i'll do. I gotta tell him.. for some peice of mind.. yeh i don't know how i'll put it.. and the fear is so high with this 'secret' ..but dammit.
..need to go in to campus today ..find out things with Mr.Olsen.. i'm not sticking around to finish school here.
.. if it ain't happening anythime soon.. it ain't gonna happen. Keeping my cool yesterday was hard.. but one good thing workin' for mawm and pop on sundays is seeing my neice. But i kept breaking doen when i'd go down to the basement for breaks between working for mawm. Between the mania and the stress of school.. and just the confused nature and chaos..
..i can't put my mind to rest..
After Serina left ,Sara.. my sis asked what was wrong.. i told her i was really dark.. she hugged me and told me to fight it.
I was talking to 'Angel' all day .. yeh..i do get talked back to .. and i don't know ..i look what i've become.. and how the days are too impossible .. the phases,the meds,the doctor.. and a continual fight to stay out of the hospital.
Where i go.. i don't know.. i'm looking at only a fw schools already.. it may just be best if i go to a fine arts school.. or not..
..i don't know. The thought of continuing schol is exhaustive and everyone still wants to know if i'm going to Texas..
..well..perhaps.. i can't help what the hell happened already.. all of what happened had been used against me.. but either we all get over it or we don't.
.. i loved what i saw.. and i'm not saying it would be easy..or that anything is permanant. But i can't take this shit anymore.
.. Myrna called last night..i told her if i stayed here..i SHALL die here. That's not a threat.. it's a logical fact.
..lookit how the trends here always get me into these hopeless spirals.. of mania,depression,outrage,mutilation,violent words.. i can barly hold down schooling,my job,a relationship..or just going to the mall. These are facts i'll bring up to Mr.Olsen (if i'm gonna be able to talk to him).. if not.. well shit.
In October.. i met someone down town.. this person had a suggestion and offered me a 'solution' ... I actually met this person before in my '"slightly-more-party days" ..when i wasn't so afraid to socialize..i forced myself out there..even got to do some ex and shit. Yeh..the person is still around.
There is something he offered..and it may help me expidiate the inevitable if i so choose to simply ask him. The other night..i had to really think hard about this. After my dream yesterday.. all i can think about was this 'offer' .
I can't go on this way..in any capacity.. and instead of coming here bitching about it.. it's time to kill those feelings..
I've had a plan to fix everything..something i've put on the back burner..i gotta work on it. This person can help me. And maybe i'll feel ..maybe i'll feel better..and perhaps it will eliminate me, i'll have to watch it.
This is the first time in a long time i've considered something hardcore. but i cannot take it anymore.. i've become to entrenched in anxiety..every attempt to kill me has ended up in failure. I am an embarrasment to all around me. And i can't get 'Angel' out of my head or my heart. There are things alchohol can't get your mind off of.. but there are other things that can erase. I need to think this thru'.. cuz.. right now.. if i keep sliding like this my hell will gradually get worse.
Ok..heavy shit as always..lesee::
..In other news.. No,Cecil.. those are my reading glasses// // 8P ..
..they only make me look intellectualaaaa-able..
..>v<
domingo, abril 18, 2004
-->>
.. show them the mercy they don't find on earth..
..and here i run again.. continual slaps and smacks and smashes in the face.. and the needles in my heart..
..and the souls of dead poets prolly roll in their graves saying..'i told you so'..
..where do chickens without heads run too.. ?? Not that i'm the latter mind you.. yet i sure feel like it.
When i do feel and emotion runs.. it runs..like a mad dog chasing some blind auto at 100 mph and i'm being chased with the leash wrapped around my neck as the mad dog pursues whatever.
The emptiness is increasing ..minute by minute.. i keep trying to lay down and pick up on the web work later.. but i can't.
Death..god.. o' god.. i really just love the sound of silence ..beyond some bull shit folk song. I see serenity where others
may see fear..and hell.. a nothing .. a blank check. It's not selfish when the maddness stops. It all levels out.. and if i could only make them see..
but no.. they won't ever.. they can't.. it will be mine all mine and all i can do is wallow in it,take it and act with it,stop and sort it out, or run.. i usually end up doing a little of all these things..add some mania,a smashed heart,twisted ideals and the uncertainty of everything that has been lost quite posibly may not ever be redeemed or rekindled.
..i'm trying to ween off a bit from him.. my best friend and biggest thorn..and greatest thing. I'm doing the best i can.. but he'll not ever see it unless i can prove that i can stop calling so much. I'm going to take as much of a middle ground as i can. Call for technical questions on the web site,call on a whim to talk about fun, or in an emergancy..maybe i can scoot the calls down to once a week.. he wants once or twice a month..honestly,i admit..i don't know if i can do that.
I know i care so much for him.. but i bounce like a volley ball on a court with a million patrons.. i'm here nor there..yet i'm everywhere.. i'm so paranoid..and within' the moments of madness or just baisic frustration and hurt.. i post here..
Take it with a grain of salt..or a boatload of sugar..what can i do. I only know a handful of my audience.. and even at that.. there are prolly some in that ..that think this is all a crock. It really isn't important.. and if i start guessing ,i'll just get more paranoid.
My mind is such an enemt at times like this.. and my heart and mind are hating eachother right now.
The thing people may think i ignore is my soul. Whatever is engrained for my thinking.. my actions..and these torrid emotions.. there is something beneath all this,flesh and blood and plastic and bone and ..nothingness.
If my soul is some actual manifestation or mearly a noun i use as baisis for description.. this 'soul' is draining.
Why should i care if it's lost..there are a trillion souls.. lost,found,dead,alive.. and some noone could possibly imagine exsisted ..mine is shunned to many times by 'god' and gods..hell seems inviting..at least i' feel..
..or not..
..to belong was what i really sought. And to be be loved..this unloved monster i'd become ..
..suddenly when it did happen.. i wish i'd just been able to accept the facts of the matter and the issues of the heart..
..and soon..it was just to late.. and i wish i was suddenly stonger and and magically i'd be back in his eyes as 'good' ..
..wishes are like elephants..as big as big can be..
..and no credit card company could ever make your wishes come true.. so..
..if i could wish it away.. wish it better..and in an instant..things would just be right.. ??
Suddenly the burdens of these dark days would be gone..financially,emotionally,geographically..everytihng would be set.. he'd magically have a change of heart.. throw open the doors of his heart,embrace me and say to just fuck it..it's all going to be ok.. we'll make it.. i just need you ..i want you.. you belong to me..and you're good enough for me.. even as you keep trying harder.. no matter what..i'll still love you. ..i'll always love you.. we'll make it.. we WILL .. we will we will .. we ..
..could have.. can ??
Don't count on it.. .. wish it.. wish it.. i want to wish it away.. wish him away.. make it like he never made it into this broken coil.. when all i had was death.. where the invitations were plenty and my chances of staying in this nightmare were not in such conflict..
.. but what's done is done.. the effects of this relationship and reprecusions have changed me forever.... sure.. it's been mostly a posotive thing.. ..i can't think of anything that has made me work so hard and something i've wanted so bad in my life. It's the best friendship i've ever had..
.. at first i had a hard time sleeping,temptation to jump back on the aim and talk to him was there..but i needed to not do that cuz i had just talked to him on the phone (i'm actually typing this whole thing in 2 parts..it is now a few hours later) ....something i was despratly trying not to do.. the exhaustion finally kicked in.. and i awoke to the a shadowy morning.. and the computer was offline.. the dream i had was vast..perhaps it was sign..or maybe it's just my love for a certain story.. maybe both, it was one of the most fucked up dreams i've ever had..::
There were Cathedrals,Grottos and flowers and large gardens.. it was a little frightening.. but gothic churches are themselves near ghoulish and mythic works of art within themselves..
.. i remember being in all these beautiful courtyards.. and flowers.. i'm not quite sure how i was getting to all these differant places.. but it was like i was teleporting thru these giant church yards..seeing things very gothic.. it was spring at each church..flowers everywhere.. all colours.. large cloweres.. high flowers.. not that they were unkept.. more like gardens maybe some mysterious gardner who was quite inpired by Monet.. large statues of the Madoona and odd and end saints..i'm pretty sure i'd recognise the martyrs' stories if i looked them up.. they skies were bright.. but it was like a shallow brightness. Like staring into the sun for a second.. there are these sun spots you see.. it was spotty..and there was somthing grey about the light.
Going into these churches..it was if i was searching for something.. vast churches too.. Vatican like.. it..hughs of a very dirty grey you's see in an old movie, and gold, Reds of a cherry wood colour..things seemes very sterile and clean.. nothing seemed really dirty.. everything seemed as if it could be in it's right place in each church.. i couldn't tell if i was visiting them one-at-a-time or if i was visiting them all at the same time. ..the statues of the siants and of St.Joseph seemed to be in orger.. nothing was moving.. as if it were real.. everytime yougo into some of these churches in real life, the statues are high.. or very large.. Jesus and the Madonna are always like these cold,majestic gods..silent still, almost real.. and if they were real.. you would almost be unworthy in thier presence..
I remember a golden crucifix ..near the little box where they keep the body and blood of christ.. it seems as if it belonged there.. similar from what i remember when i was an alter boy.
.. but what was i looking for.. things were very big.. i remember tho'..being able to move freely in all these differant churches.. flying up on balconies..thru' secret corridores and stair wells ..possibly not even the head priest would have known about. The bell tower hung huge bells.. and the skies were visable from each one.. and it seems that as i got to a bell tower.. my lost tour of each church seemed to begin with a new church.. again..flowers and some king of courtyard.. and a little bit differant feel to each church..
They were all differant churches.. like the diversity of the older churches in Europe.. it'd be like goind from an old chruch in Rome..then going to one in France..then moving along to one in Spain (this is so hard to describe).
..the only thing about the feel to all this was the cold.. and the slight fear.. and one other thing..
..there were no people.. no preists..no alter boys..no sisters..no birds..no rats..no insects..no souls.. noone
..i'm crying now.. ..it wasn't over..at some point ..i was back on a belltower.. the last one.. the last one..normally in dreams ..i am shot or brutally maimed.. right as i wake up.. nut this time..
..as i realised who i was.. i looked at my hands.. and i looked at my face i was Quasimodo..half formed,twisted and ugly..and a heart noone see..
..and then i fell.. i fell off the highest tower.. i was falling.. and i was crying.. and i was seeing the corner of my eye..the cathedral sped by like passing on a speeding train..how out of the corner of your eye things jus..speed by// the cobblestone got nearer and nearer and i was falling quicker and quicker.. and as i hit and smashed..
..i woke in the groggy,weak, cold sweat when i've woken from a nightmare..crying.
There are prolly many reasons why i had this dream..and the fact that i related way too much to 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame' .. i was not thinking about or reading anything of this nature last night. So to have an unusually themed dream as such is a bit understandable yet confusing.
..whatever the whole of it means.. i'm not sure.. but i am sure of one thing..
I AM A MONSTER.. and as i told my father.. i don't belong anywhere..
i am much i the shadows anymore like the real quasimodo.. and i am so much an outcast.
The other thing it seems to say..perhaps almost obvious.. is that i am truly alone.
..i am a monster.. i am alone in this maddness.. and everyting is empty.. and so is my soul..
.. my heart is in shadows.. ..
..i need to die.. ..>v<