{ the dead archival }
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sábado, mayo 01, 2004 -->> ..bloody boomah.. ..maybe it's the medication,the current unstable state of the globe,the hearing of continual suffering of the innocent and innocent soldiers and just the nagging hopelessness tha lingers in the background as the radio blares BBC and continual tragic news.. ..could be the exhaustion and the brain wracking on this website and how the f7ck i'm gonna get outta these continual rutts.. ..could be the un-nurtured nature of my needing to be nutured,maybe my nerve is too unstable,maybe i just miss Mike way too much.. ..but by sh8t and by gumbo..it was me who admitted :: "..the end of Kangaroo Jack made me cry.." ..kill me ,please.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   viernes, abril 30, 2004 -->> ..drain-ISH.. ....can't f8cking think ..gaw.. ..damm sinus infection nailing me.. i slept past my Dcotor appointment..so.. looks like i'll be pumping the Dayquill thru the weekend. Looking like anothe class is about to sneek up and kick my ass.. the comp Graphics class has been a class involving alot of participation..while yeh.. most school is about you showing up and doing the work.. (which has been a rarity for me to be on campus as of late) .. ..this class is a particular b8tch cuz it is specifically based on producing an actual project. While medical and mental reasons have kept me from really performing on campus these past 2 semesters.. if i missed the class..i missed the class. I showed up to this one and the Math class only a handful of times.. and while i had withdrawn the Math 2 weeks ago.. this one i was hoping to get some kind of project or something to turn into the teacher for some kind of credit.. anything. I was desprate.. even a low 'D' grade would beat flunking the class.. but now..until i can get some kind of medical note to justify my cause.. i may have to flunk the f7cking class. I didn't want to take the damm thing in the first place but..when your stuck..your stuck.. now.. next week will tell if i can get myself out of another rutt. 8( ..i was mannically working today.. not really talking to anyone.. my brain just flogged from the snot the infection is lomping around up there in my membrain.. and feeling very dark. Scrubbing all the counters and wiping down all the lab equipment.. just rushing it. Mind racing..contunual racing.. god when will it just crash. Voices telling me to cut my wrists to feel the burn when i wash my hands.. i am very tempted to do this.. it seems like i can't make it for more than a few weeks without needing to feel.. ya ya same old ,old race. Good notes ..as i continually get closer and closer to finishing the damm website.. Mike's calls have been relativly short,drained (he has been working extra hard and overtime.. ).. but somehow seemingly upbeat.. i don't know. There is an unusual energy we sometimes get from eachother and it carries me thru' .. i have been having many good thoughts when i think about him. That's the way it should be. ..i'll only be on campus for a little while longer.. again.. nothings really working.. and the damm scanner is busted as f6ck.. o well. .. i'm loosing so much purpose here.. i guess the exhaustion is'nt helping right now.. i tend to get darker as my energy wains. Mawm is supposed to pick me up..maybe we can stop for a sandwich. ..i can't do this sh7t anymore.. maybe i'll just quit school monday.. you know,shit.. everyday that i am on campus..aside from working.. i'm more often than not running around like a crazy ostrich looking for mounds of sand to stick my head in until the heat from the bullshit wears off.. or run in circles until i find a new way to solve my latest perdicament. I dunno. You can't keep sticking your head in the sand and the more circles you run in..you just get to dizzy to stand on your own 2 feet. ..I want to stand on my own 2 feet now.. no more mean sister.. no more depending on my family for rides.. no more spending 40 $$ in a 2 day period for cab rides with smelly,fat cab drivers that smell like rotton bananas.. (and they just have to blow the fan and their smell on you.. jesus..). ..step at a time ..step at a time.. but how you do that tho' ..when most of the time your trippin' ?? ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   miércoles, abril 28, 2004 -->> What's the size of the one on your back?? .. ..between many breaks where i'm either working for my mawm or watching Prehensile Monster wrestling vids..i've been continulay bustin' this Quasimodo hump on my site.. ..the Gallery portions of terrible2z are incredibly frustrating and gawd..without Mike's help..i'd barely be focused to turn on the computer.. and every where i turn ..there are more and more sh7t i keep adding to the collective.. god i've done so much idiot art work over the past 5 years ..gathering it all has been quite a feat.. yeh sh8t i should have backed things up here and there..again and again.. but i'd made art work for so many people and fans and friends ..it jsut got scattered in my mind.. scattered in my files.. and scattered on the web.. i'm finding picture i didn't even know i drew.. :: ..i know who i drew it for.. but can only guess when i made it.. w.t.f. ?? ..Miguel has had me cut back on the calls.. and especially scince ihe was working everyday last week.. i think it was real appropriate.. i think he's really trying to teach me patience.. it ain't easy.. but if i cannot see beyond my need to talk to him.. and his mental health.. then..i might as well go jab my penis in a crack in the Hoover damn. It's been fairly nausiating and manic lately.. the manic part goes without saying.. but i've had to fight this sinus infection..the last one was like for f7ckin' 3 weeks.. of coarse Zach lived here.. and i didn't have any anti-biotics.. Zach smoked and caused it to really flare.. that was hell.. tis one isn't as bad.. but some days it is kicking my ass.. box after box of tissues. New neibors are going to start moving in today.. by Friday.. the dwelling above the basement will be occupied.. and sh8t.. there is just a couple.. but i am hoping for the best..preparing for the worst.. white noise at the ready.. an undeniable fact that i will say 'hi' and bye .. and keep to myself.. it's not to hard nowadays.. i know the landlord wants this to really work out ..Tuesday i hlped her with chores..cleaned the yard up and driveway so that the place was clean for them to move in upstairs.. she was real sweet.. we went to Safe Way and then she treated me to dinner at Boston Market.. yumm!! The monkies on my back seem to get bigger.. i'm really trying not to panic about the big questions to where i am going to go. To stay here in Colorado Springs is to die here.. i cannot emphesise this enough.. and i have been pretty vocal about it to my family and to the school. Mr.Olsen ..my teacher is one i still need to sit and talk to about this..i don't need to throw it in his face.. but to stay here another year is pretty unthinkable now. I don't need to keep re-hashing the semesters again and again..face the same dilemas and just have tings continually spiral until the money runs out and my sanity has just been shed to nothing. We'll see.. i should be able to make it i today to campus. ~~~~~ How the fuck can you keep missing someone more and more.. is my heart this fucking bottomless cavern.. you toss in rock and an emotion and it just falls forever// ..the heart must be eternity.. as must love.. i don't understand.. .. i don't.. .. i talk to him still and when i get angry at him or the world ..he calms me.. fucking Angel.. jesus.. what the fuck..? ? It's been a nautious trip..these months..these years.. looking back doesn't keep me from working forward.. it stills me sometimes.. but memories maybe do that.. the same things that drew me to Miguel in the first place only grow stringer in the more productive times.. and the fits and trivials of the mania mean nothing as i hope,to once again stair in those eyes. I cannot be gauranteed shit.. i cannot gaurantee he'll ever see me in the light he once did.. i cannot gaurantee i'll live.. i cannot gaurantee i won't.. and the fucking emotions just fall ..fall..fall.. and to the point.. it's like..Where am i going with this?? ..i do keep looking at Texas right now as a possibility to start.. if it's just a matter of me getting some baisic classes like Psych and stuff out of the way.. i may be able to finish down there.. maybe. Or maybe Cali or Florida..i don't know.. the $$ issue will be a big factor.. and that may be a hinderance.. but i cannot let it stop me from trying.. i've been dreaming about Miguel alot..latly..nice calm ones.. i don't get calm dreams alot.. ..i cannot fight these things anymore.. they are part of me.. as i fall deeper into the cavern.. i just fall deeper in love.. ..but all in time.. now is not that time..is it .. ?? .. no..step at a time.. i don't know.. i wish i had a banana the size of a building to feed the monkey.. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..