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viernes, mayo 21, 2004
-->> 
..we'll always have Venus..
..it was kind of a fetish yet torrid love affair stemming from childhood. And leave it to a schizo to make love to a cartoon..well hey,we all gotta have our sexy dreams start somewheres.. mine just happened to be in the back of Judy's dad's floating car.
Judy actually came to me ..this morning..it's pretty rare not to be dreaming of elicit torture or get killed in my dreams..so i guess this one was worth remembering.
I guess get raised by a neglectful television growin' up.. not knowing right and wrong..and not getting the proper guidance i really needed from the television appliance kind ultimatly f7cked me up with my dreams..so..many a date i had with Mary Tyler Moore. (But what the f7ck would i know..i'm gay now ,right i mean..so eh. "Sh8t i didn't type that")
Me n' Judy stem back from 1980s when the Jetsons returned to the T.V. syndication with a bunch new episodes (ok so they were new in the '80s) and a new fuzzy member of the family..
Orbity voiced by my hero 'Frank Welker' ..but that's besides the point..
The meat of the matter and the scandal of the 'Sky Pad' apartments actually started when i'd actually partake in a raunchy,elicite affair with the Space diva and casual sex.. (what.. i was a kid ..what.. i dunno.. i'm not on trial here!!).
Whatever.. it was good ..it was damm good.. n' yeh.. Judy rocked my solar system.
Alas..it was never meant to be..
Judy came back to me this morning.. prolly for just one more 'fling'..either that.. or to promote:: ..
..the Jetsons Season 1 now on DVD!!
..and eh,yeh we got it on.. but ..hey..i'm such a sensative psycho anymore.
I did tell her my heart belonged to someone else ..and currently i'm persuing something that's real important to me. Quite a deep conversation..gee..when Judy ain't pouting..she's a pretty thoughtful girl. I told her i'd catch her in reruns.. and of coarse..the always hold a special place in my heart. I mean ..i took some big risks back there.. if Rosie would have caught me..she'd have killed me. That Robot is so overprotective of those kids,ya know.. and boy in Reorge.. ..he'd a snagged Rastro on my Rass ,i mean ..George woulda had Astro on my Space Bacon Butt.. (you don't wanna get on that dog's bad side..).So..i duuno..Judy floated off into the the Cogswell cogs and the distant stars.. i don't totally remember..but i did wake up .. gee.. gosh.. gotta long day ahead.. ned to prepare for that road trip to Maryland..even tho' i'm kinda forcing myself to go.
Mig just gotta a cool f7cking promotion and i'm just so damm proud..plus today i gotta get my hair cut and send the first part of Mig's belated birthday boxes out..so .. better get crackin' .. but boy that dream.. has left me a little .. 'SPACELY' ..
..kill me..
..>v<
lunes, mayo 17, 2004
-->>
..my mother's keeper..
When my mawm is mixing her pills and 'unwinding'..it's prolly best just to leave the house. The bull sh7t i do for money is beyond me anymore. I've been odd jobbing and stuff for my mawm scince i was a kid.. it's been an ok way to make money when i've been tight on green.. but the coarse of the shit that my mawm pulls makes it almost more of a burden now than when i was younger. No time to think.. i'll be running around doing all i have to do for her..maintenence,errands,cleaning and all sorts of sh8t..6o billions things at once ..and all the time feeling so horrid about the situation. When i first got there to her house on Sunday afternoon she was fairly collected.. in fact she looked like she was just getting ready for work.. ..she was cleaning her teeth and then when i got in she was telling me what to do in the yard..waht bushes she needed planting and well ..i was flustered anyway..but i got to work..2 hours go by.. i don't know which of her pills she took nor how much of the liquor she drank..but 2 hours..she looked like she'd just gotten out of bed. I'm too sick to go into details of all her shit of how she was acting ..but she's getting worse. When i was a kid i'd accept .."Well i'm just drinking this to relax.. it helps me cuz i've worked hard all day."
Yeh well consenting adult or not.. you'd think a nurse would know when to quit..and as far as i know she's doing this everyday or almost everyday.. i don't know fully the severity of the problem,i don't live there anymore,but when i get these calls on my message machine about my mawm and how she's gonna pay me all this money and how my car will be ready for me to drive by the end of the week (she has ben saying this for 4 weeks now) ..everytime i go over there..she is bitching ,like it was yesterday about how she hates my father's family and that she is the only bread winner and just loops and hoops you have to jump thru. You don't know if it's the alchohol talking or the pills or her or what. My maw always in the deepest fear on me becoming chemically dependant by the amount of meds i took..when other members of my fasmily became chemical dependant on things illegal or what-not..maw was always to the forefront on the authorities to 'get help' for said parties. And now.. well..
..yesterday was yet another nightmare.. and my mawm is so 2 faced..it's amazing..she'll be on the phone and do this professional sounding business call..and then hang up and be the 100 proof drunk all manic and cruel when she's off the call. I don't get it.. how she can collect herself to others ..yet be a total,twisted bitch to her loved ones.
At one point my mawm just kept calling my name.. i should have just ignored her.. but i kept checking in on her cuz i was worried.. at one point i was sneezing..i was working inthe yard real heavy and all the grazz clippings were murder on my sinus. she heard me sneezing.. that's my maw.. the portable pharmasist. She told me to take some Benedryl.. i told her i didn't want to and that i'd just use my inhaler.. she threw 6 pink pills at me and told me to take all of them.. i told her 'fine' then i put them in my back pocket to throw away later. Any time you have a headache.. she'll give you not one aspril but 5.. if your nervous.. she'll give you a panprin.. you ask her if she has any Tylonol.. she'll give you 6 and tell you to take 'em all. God.. does she even have a liver anymore??
In no particular order..she thru some money at me.. told me to take 70 $$ when she only had 20 $ to give me.. she had me drive her crusty car to get gas for the mower.. i only needed about 3 bucks to fill the can..she gave me 10,at one point she looked like she was doing pilates or aerobics in her bed as she was yelling at me how horrible my father is,wheni was in her basement checking the laundry ..i heard a loud 'THUD AND CRASH' ..she fell..i ran to check on her.. her door was locked and she told me to go the fuck away.
.. by the time my sister came to take me home..she was yelling to Pop "Find me a Trasidone.i haven't slept in 3 days..i just want to sleep!!" ..over and over..
i just wanted to cry.. i do that alot anymore..i need to get out of the springs..i need to get away from mawm.. i love her so much..but i can't keep this shit up..it hurts too much anymore. I'm fine one to talk.. i have my addictions..but my mawm isn't convinced she has a problem. Her problem is routine. I'm the crazy one..so what's it matter??
i dunno.. like every other part of my days..things are changing..things are getting worse. And my tolerance for all of this is so thin. The questions so fried..When the fuck will she stop ?? Did she drive my father to his gambling problem ?? If i take the courior job she has lined up for me..will it be an extremly bad idea cuz of these bull shit states she get's in ??Will she die in her sleep for all this poison??
..i dunno..i dunno.. i keep telling Miguel i am trying.. and yeh ,duh i am.. i am!!
That's all i can say right now.. 'I am' .. if it wasn't for my mawm..that ability to try wouldn't be there. She is still a great deal of support for me..and beyond that she is a wonderful person..she really can be. But the very things that are posotive about all she's done for me..also get twisted and scewed and end up hurting me to. God.. i need to 100 % support myself.. get out of this dependancy,finacially from her.. that's the biggest staple. And yeh..i need to get away from her. If i make out of this shit from school and all ,god if it ever happens..to be my 'own'. ]
But i can sit here and type and aspire all i want.. There is a lady out there in a fuck of alot of pain.. someone eho gave me birth and just.. it fucking makes me very angry at God or whatever you call these higher powers that she can't be her own..some times i really hate alchohol..i really do.. i wish it never was invented.. and if one more that my maw doesn't ahve a problem.. just one more time.. i will smash all her damm bottles of the shit she keeps under the sink over my head. i love her..that's all i know..
..>v<
..my mother's keeper..
When my mawm is mixing her pills and 'unwinding'..it's prolly best just to leave the house. The bull sh7t i do for money is beyond me anymore. I've been odd jobbing and stuff for my mawm scince i was a kid.. it's been an ok way to make money when i've been tight on green.. but the coarse of the shit that my mawm pulls makes it almost more of a burden now than when i was younger. No time to think.. i'll be running around doing all i have to do for her..maintenence,errands,cleaning and all sorts of sh8t..6o billions things at once ..and all the time feeling so horrid about the situation. When i first got there to her house on Sunday afternoon she was fairly collected.. in fact she looked like she was just getting ready for work.. ..she was cleaning her teeth and then when i got in she was telling me what to do in the yard..waht bushes she needed planting and well ..i was flustered anyway..but i got to work..2 hours go by.. i don't know which of her pills she took nor how much of the liquor she drank..but 2 hours..she looked like she'd just gotten out of bed. I'm too sick to go into details of all her shit of how she was acting ..but she's getting worse. When i was a kid i'd accept .."Well i'm just drinking this to relax.. it helps me cuz i've worked hard all day."
Yeh well consenting adult or not.. you'd think a nurse would know when to quit..and as far as i know she's doing this everyday or almost everyday.. i don't know fully the severity of the problem,i don't live there anymore,but when i get these calls on my message machine about my mawm and how she's gonna pay me all this money and how my car will be ready for me to drive by the end of the week (she has ben saying this for 4 weeks now) ..everytime i go over there..she is bitching ,like it was yesterday about how she hates my father's family and that she is the only bread winner and just loops and hoops you have to jump thru. You don't know if it's the alchohol talking or the pills or her or what. My maw always in the deepest fear on me becoming chemically dependant by the amount of meds i took..when other members of my fasmily became chemical dependant on things illegal or what-not..maw was always to the forefront on the authorities to 'get help' for said parties. And now.. well..
..yesterday was yet another nightmare.. and my mawm is so 2 faced..it's amazing..she'll be on the phone and do this professional sounding business call..and then hang up and be the 100 proof drunk all manic and cruel when she's off the call. I don't get it.. how she can collect herself to others ..yet be a total,twisted bitch to her loved ones.
At one point my mawm just kept calling my name.. i should have just ignored her.. but i kept checking in on her cuz i was worried.. at one point i was sneezing..i was working inthe yard real heavy and all the grazz clippings were murder on my sinus. she heard me sneezing.. that's my maw.. the portable pharmasist. She told me to take some Benedryl.. i told her i didn't want to and that i'd just use my inhaler.. she threw 6 pink pills at me and told me to take all of them.. i told her 'fine' then i put them in my back pocket to throw away later. Any time you have a headache.. she'll give you not one aspril but 5.. if your nervous.. she'll give you a panprin.. you ask her if she has any Tylonol.. she'll give you 6 and tell you to take 'em all. God.. does she even have a liver anymore??
In no particular order..she thru some money at me.. told me to take 70 $$ when she only had 20 $ to give me.. she had me drive her crusty car to get gas for the mower.. i only needed about 3 bucks to fill the can..she gave me 10,at one point she looked like she was doing pilates or aerobics in her bed as she was yelling at me how horrible my father is,wheni was in her basement checking the laundry ..i heard a loud 'THUD AND CRASH' ..she fell..i ran to check on her.. her door was locked and she told me to go the fuck away.
.. by the time my sister came to take me home..she was yelling to Pop "Find me a Trasidone.i haven't slept in 3 days..i just want to sleep!!" ..over and over..
i just wanted to cry.. i do that alot anymore..i need to get out of the springs..i need to get away from mawm.. i love her so much..but i can't keep this shit up..it hurts too much anymore. I'm fine one to talk.. i have my addictions..but my mawm isn't convinced she has a problem. Her problem is routine. I'm the crazy one..so what's it matter??
i dunno.. like every other part of my days..things are changing..things are getting worse. And my tolerance for all of this is so thin. The questions so fried..When the fuck will she stop ?? Did she drive my father to his gambling problem ?? If i take the courior job she has lined up for me..will it be an extremly bad idea cuz of these bull shit states she get's in ??Will she die in her sleep for all this poison??
..i dunno..i dunno.. i keep telling Miguel i am trying.. and yeh ,duh i am.. i am!!
That's all i can say right now.. 'I am' .. if it wasn't for my mawm..that ability to try wouldn't be there. She is still a great deal of support for me..and beyond that she is a wonderful person..she really can be. But the very things that are posotive about all she's done for me..also get twisted and scewed and end up hurting me to. God.. i need to 100 % support myself.. get out of this dependancy,finacially from her.. that's the biggest staple. And yeh..i need to get away from her. If i make out of this shit from school and all ,god if it ever happens..to be my 'own'. ]
But i can sit here and type and aspire all i want.. There is a lady out there in a fuck of alot of pain.. someone eho gave me birth and just.. it fucking makes me very angry at God or whatever you call these higher powers that she can't be her own..some times i really hate alchohol..i really do.. i wish it never was invented.. and if one more that my maw doesn't ahve a problem.. just one more time.. i will smash all her damm bottles of the shit she keeps under the sink over my head. i love her..that's all i know..
..>v<
domingo, mayo 16, 2004
-->> 
..ground licker..
..alot of manual labour and very little sleep wears down my ability to feel. Spending alot of time odd jobbing to be making extra cahs. Saturday my pop wants me to go to Maryland with him.. it's a business trip..all expenses paid.. (of coarse.. it's my Pop.. if the guy threw in a free pie..it's only be sweeter a deal) ..but i am expected to help drive.. i'm not used to driving out of the city or long distances.. while there is a first time for everything..and why i am agreeing to go is kinda beyond me.
Havin' me cronic at the wheel cross country.. well gee.. seems kinda risky.
Noone else really wants to go with my Pop..my thing really is i'm forcing myself. I've got to get out of the Springs for even just 4 days.. even if it means a long arse road-trip to someplace i'm not totally thrilled to go to. We will get to see family and such places where my Pop grew up.. (St.Mary's County) ..and i will get to see the ocean. It's a place i haven't see scince i was small..so maybe nice. We will be flying back.. so..speaking of first times.. it'll be the first time i've flown scince i was a baby.
This may be a good time tho' ..maybe .. to tell my Pop the sh8t that's been going down the past year and a 1/2 ..he needs to know. The 'but what if ??' questions still dance around my manic thoughts like tango knives..pricking me as they poke my worry warts in the dance of the crazies. Maybe he won't handle this stuff well at all. It's a big thing.. i mean, getting used to the fack that his only boy child is fucked up in the head,stuck in school, and amanic schizo with an on and off relationship with death ..prolly takes it's own toll on him. I don't aspire to be a father.. but i'd love to raise a child someday,so i can't imagine really what my father's perception of me..but that he cares. i don't know.. we get along so well anymore.. but unlike when he was at the Post Office.. he is extremly busy anymore. While it's weird why someone would want to be a Car Salesman as a 'dream Job' ..it is something that i was raised with.. my father's passion for autos. He's a Studebaker nut.. and god.. you name a new or old or upcoming model auto and he's on it.. it's intresting. I respect it too.
This may be my chance.. or it may be the worst timing in the world..as the 'what ifs ??'. Pile up. Maybe i shouldn't// i dunno.. it's not like i'm gonna say.. 'O Yeh..i'm gay now..i mean i wasn't ..but now i am &..' or ..'No No.. i'm technically Bi- .. so i mean..'.. 'Or hey.. how about them Oroles.. yeh.. you know well umm.. yeh.. well um.. they are pretty hot ..ya know.. no not the cheer leaders,i mean they are hot too ..i mean.. ehhh..but the team is a hot team..i mean.. no no ..i mean they're hot.. no no i - i .. .. '
No i wouldn't say shit like that but .. jesus..this just gets harder to sort out the more i dwell on it. I don't know.. i don't know.
Right now the days are contimually blurry.. 3 months ago seemes like 3 minutes ago.. and if it's already tommorow.. it might as well skip Sunday and be tuesday. My brain is wrapped in Duct tape..my life is coming apart at the seams ..and some of it has some shotty patch work holding it together.. it's like lepracy. Stayin' together and falling apart. I still miss Mig.. so much.. but i beleive..subtly..maybe unintensionally ..maybe 'tensionally' he wants me to be patient. I'm almost done with his big belated birthday gift ..and it suck cuz i won't get to see his face when he opens it.
..well still ..i'm really excited to get it to him. God i wish we were going south..instead of to Maryland..but well the San D trip is gonna be the stipulation on the trip to the land of Crabs.. i need help to get there//financially and for the prep there..Mawm and Pop said they'd help me..well i won't go on this buisiness trip unless they follow thru..which is hard on them..they don't do that well. but i love 'em and i'd do anything for them. But at this point.. i just wan to see my friends in July and have fun with Miguel.. want to take some work for show to the Con and i want to see Mig smile again.. it's been way to long. And i miss that face so much. There have been very few smiles for awhile now.
..gee..i better pack Dramamine if i'm gonna take my first real plane trip back.. i'm a bit nervous..i may get nautious.. but maybe..
Sissy and friends will be the friendly ,squirrly staff onboard..and this Snapper's fly ride will be nice n' pleasent..maybe.. maybe..
..maybe.. ya never know..
..maybe..
..yah sure.. i should be so lucky..
..now thanks to that emota-con..they'll all think i'm 'licky'
..
.. ah f7ck..i'm toast.. i'm gonna go lick my pillow..
..>v<
..ground licker..
..alot of manual labour and very little sleep wears down my ability to feel. Spending alot of time odd jobbing to be making extra cahs. Saturday my pop wants me to go to Maryland with him.. it's a business trip..all expenses paid.. (of coarse.. it's my Pop.. if the guy threw in a free pie..it's only be sweeter a deal) ..but i am expected to help drive.. i'm not used to driving out of the city or long distances.. while there is a first time for everything..and why i am agreeing to go is kinda beyond me.
Havin' me cronic at the wheel cross country.. well gee.. seems kinda risky.
Noone else really wants to go with my Pop..my thing really is i'm forcing myself. I've got to get out of the Springs for even just 4 days.. even if it means a long arse road-trip to someplace i'm not totally thrilled to go to. We will get to see family and such places where my Pop grew up.. (St.Mary's County) ..and i will get to see the ocean. It's a place i haven't see scince i was small..so maybe nice. We will be flying back.. so..speaking of first times.. it'll be the first time i've flown scince i was a baby.
This may be a good time tho' ..maybe .. to tell my Pop the sh8t that's been going down the past year and a 1/2 ..he needs to know. The 'but what if ??' questions still dance around my manic thoughts like tango knives..pricking me as they poke my worry warts in the dance of the crazies. Maybe he won't handle this stuff well at all. It's a big thing.. i mean, getting used to the fack that his only boy child is fucked up in the head,stuck in school, and amanic schizo with an on and off relationship with death ..prolly takes it's own toll on him. I don't aspire to be a father.. but i'd love to raise a child someday,so i can't imagine really what my father's perception of me..but that he cares. i don't know.. we get along so well anymore.. but unlike when he was at the Post Office.. he is extremly busy anymore. While it's weird why someone would want to be a Car Salesman as a 'dream Job' ..it is something that i was raised with.. my father's passion for autos. He's a Studebaker nut.. and god.. you name a new or old or upcoming model auto and he's on it.. it's intresting. I respect it too.
This may be my chance.. or it may be the worst timing in the world..as the 'what ifs ??'. Pile up. Maybe i shouldn't// i dunno.. it's not like i'm gonna say.. 'O Yeh..i'm gay now..i mean i wasn't ..but now i am &..' or ..'No No.. i'm technically Bi- .. so i mean..'.. 'Or hey.. how about them Oroles.. yeh.. you know well umm.. yeh.. well um.. they are pretty hot ..ya know.. no not the cheer leaders,i mean they are hot too ..i mean.. ehhh..but the team is a hot team..i mean.. no no ..i mean they're hot.. no no i - i .. .. '
No i wouldn't say shit like that but .. jesus..this just gets harder to sort out the more i dwell on it. I don't know.. i don't know.
Right now the days are contimually blurry.. 3 months ago seemes like 3 minutes ago.. and if it's already tommorow.. it might as well skip Sunday and be tuesday. My brain is wrapped in Duct tape..my life is coming apart at the seams ..and some of it has some shotty patch work holding it together.. it's like lepracy. Stayin' together and falling apart. I still miss Mig.. so much.. but i beleive..subtly..maybe unintensionally ..maybe 'tensionally' he wants me to be patient. I'm almost done with his big belated birthday gift ..and it suck cuz i won't get to see his face when he opens it.
..well still ..i'm really excited to get it to him. God i wish we were going south..instead of to Maryland..but well the San D trip is gonna be the stipulation on the trip to the land of Crabs.. i need help to get there//financially and for the prep there..Mawm and Pop said they'd help me..well i won't go on this buisiness trip unless they follow thru..which is hard on them..they don't do that well. but i love 'em and i'd do anything for them. But at this point.. i just wan to see my friends in July and have fun with Miguel.. want to take some work for show to the Con and i want to see Mig smile again.. it's been way to long. And i miss that face so much. There have been very few smiles for awhile now.
..gee..i better pack Dramamine if i'm gonna take my first real plane trip back.. i'm a bit nervous..i may get nautious.. but maybe..
Sissy and friends will be the friendly ,squirrly staff onboard..and this Snapper's fly ride will be nice n' pleasent..maybe.. maybe..
..maybe.. ya never know..
..maybe..
..yah sure.. i should be so lucky..
..now thanks to that emota-con..they'll all think i'm 'licky'
..
.. ah f7ck..i'm toast.. i'm gonna go lick my pillow..
..>v<