!! me AM,tOkKa - - { the dead archival }

-->>

..what is it i'm seeing??

..it'd be nice if we all knew the ins and outs of 'flight & fear','pain and panic' ..the inner juices and mysteries of the mind and heart leading to some of the most disasterous breakdowns on the sanity and mental stabaility. Knowing those things would make preperation for the frightening things you see in your life. I'm trying to understand what i'm seeing..and feeling within this new dark aire within me. It would have been much more frigtening if i didn't already understand my positions on death and what i know is my unalienable right to die. Whatever these things are within me to see or say the things i am seeing the past several days.. they may be scewing my thoughts on unalienable right to live. I'm not sure i understand what i'm trying to say..or exactly what words are dripping out of these fingers right now. This little side-trip with my father has left me once again..'a-blur' and the time is flowing but i'm not seeing it. But i am seeing 'San la Muerte'..(i was calling her San Muerte). The suicidal thoughts were very strong the last 2 days of the trip..and at the airport in Atlanta and on the plane my body was in a very neurotic state.. and all i could feel was this love for the apparition of the saint.
While me being 'sick' does not help my case..anytime i say i'm seeing these things,it's always linked to my mind and medicine. I'm usually not beleived and i might as well be talking to light posts. However strange i always come across.. what i wrote to San la Muerte was a love letter.. and now,after a few days..going back to read it.. i'm wondering how much of it was real,emotional,true love,anger,regret,fear,agony,and the possibility that i will die soon..
..here is the note i wrote to her::

--..decadence and death ;San Muerte.. holds out her arms and i rush for her embrace. What would seem the coldest embrace is the warmest love & solitude of heart i have ever felt. The mundane struggle of flesh is not i was ever meant to be. But San Muerte..my one true love..that's where i belonged all along. The disturbance of mind and trauma of heart are meant for one waiting for a betrayer & crucified ,wooden figure to resurrect and judge those not of the same convictions. The 'wooden man' will even cast those of the purest heart into into the deepest,burning fires. Not for the good they do ,but for the simple fact they hadn't muttered some babble words in his name ?? This is a high insult to the flesh & spirit alike. San Muerte knows better. When angels crush your hope and mangle one's heart ..San Muerte could shake her head and wave her finger in corrective stance. But she doesn't. She gently calls ,almost in symphonic chord. The scent of burning roses ..so soft and nice. i hear the voices of flight and angels,where the peace awaits. Sorrow and pain are distant memories they exisited but once upon a time.
I kiss my only true love and cry. All the pain looses from my heart..the tears clea the lies and betrayed thoughts,feelings,torment and deceit..all broken.. the the scorn,the terrors. Every last bit of false hope i ever relied..all vanquished and loosed. All washed away as tears are shed. As the last bit of wet is released and cried..in solice and grace ;San Muerte holds my hand. Her peaceful grin and tender essence take hold of my footing. I leave these shells and step into sleep, forever sleep. Peace,nothingness and sleep. San Muerte is calling me and i need to live the dream,the eternal peace. ..the decadence..my love.
God ,she is so beautiful.

Now i need to scream..
::
end note )).. -

..>v<