{ the dead archival }
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@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
sábado, junio 05, 2004
-->> 
..pandamonium..
..and beyond that,the ability of just me accepting the facts that i'm doing all i can to get better.
No i ain't perfect.. no.. duh,obvious.. i know people come here,read stuff and care ..they just don't know how to act or what to say to the frantic racing mind behind all this sh8t. Christ..i don't always understand why i've been cast the roles i have been in others' lives. And yes..the tiger heart is fighting for survival and something better. But sometimes i guess.. it's been my quirks,my mistakes, and falicies that people sometimes get so obsessed with. The people you know intimately are prolly the ones that you have to compromise the most with. After so long.. you do get on the nerves of the people you love sometimes..'specially if you on a differant wave-length.. differant state of mind.. and having a bit of problematic causes that can make life in general a matter of sorting reality and fiction. But really..we all want to be accepted,loved and cared for.. at least generally.. i don't deny any that. It's obvious .. very obvious.
As a late bloomer.. i'm very slow..at realising things in life,love,work.. and chaos. As the tides roll in and out and the time passes for people. I'm still working within' each moment.. doing my best to keep the past where it's at. Like a much loved, trusty hammer.. you take it out when you need it. It's always been there.. it will always be there. It's a tool when you need to reflect on the good. You must be careful it isn't used to nail holes into hearts. But your past..and memories..especially the wonderful ones.. no matter how few or how many you've had. The times you felt special. The times you felt alone. The times chaos reigned or the times the pain melted away into somthing very sweet..soft and lovely.. like a flower. These things are ok. But no.. i must not become a slave to the hammer.. and i haven't. I HAVE .. been working and moving. Those that close their eyes to this ..for whatever reason it is.. jsut fool themselves into thinking i'm just the hopeless psycho with nothing beter to do than 'dwell' or whatever. Yeh life get's chalenging.. and within these extremly difficult moments ..i am building. Lots of people build. That's the future tho'. There is no time machine tho.. i can't just get in the machine and zip onto some happier tommorow.
I mean just how fucking schizophrenic do they think i am?? God!!
..i can't always define myself,my actions,my work..and even that heart there. That imfamous beast that just people can't quite seem to get over.
..and that's prolly what it is.. letting things go. Accepting.. me trying to understand and working with those i care about. Yeh i guess i still got along ways to go. I don't understand things sometiems and the mystery of emotion and heart. But there are things i've accepted. I mean if i didn't ..it prolly wouldn't hurt so much when my mawm drinks herself apart. I mean ..i deff' would be extremly angry and i would have left this shit years ago. I've not accepted her drinking habits.. but i have accepted that she is a good person. It's prolly not the easiest thing but ..well ..i still lover her. She's a good person.. i'm not convinced othrwise (she is pretty bats tho' ..that's a gimmee)
..
Things aren't looking good with school and work.. and as another Monday will soon be upon me. It's looking more and more that i'm outta a job and that i'll need to take the job Mawm has lined up for me. I don't know what else to do. A small litle victory tho' ..i guess as Mr.Olsen my ,my teacher finally got to see the web site and alot of the artwork and stuff i've been doing. I've yet to have my 'heart to heart' with him.. but he should have more of a schedule now that semester once again is rearing into my weeks and days. My mind is still trying to understand the visions.. and the voices are overwhelmingly strong. The heart is finding a few times of rest and comfort within' the jungle. Things deff' are darker.. but there is still some blind light shining out there.. i'm trying to see where it leads.. but tiger's eyes aren't the best so..he'll see what he can see and persue..lucky he has other sences.
..the panda is one of the many animals i saw in D.C. last week when i got the buck and a dime tour of the capital. These animals were everywhere.. peices of art that will soon be up for auction for rich people to litter up their mansions and lawns.
Acceptance,change..these things are happening.. and it's sad not everyone won't see that i'm Doing !!
..i dunno.. my mind is very fried right now. Working non-stop on artwork,the site,money makin'..and struggling to stay sain. But Z is here tonight.. it was unexpected.. but i guess he just wanted to take a break from the fucking schizo-home and hang with his schizo friend. Fine with me. Me and Z have had the long haul together and he is as close to me as Mig or Jo.. or Sara..or Jan..or cousin.. and he's in a similar boat as me (he has been)..where acceptance is a rare thing in along the path to enlightenment. But the best thing has happened between the 2 of us. Acceptance of who 'WE' are.
At this point..me and Z know where we are coming from. We know what we are about.. and how the world treats us and are in a common mindset that well.. we just got it a bit harder tha some. I dunno. But ..in this moment.. it's nice to know.. that this 'moment' thqat we've accepted eachother and know what's up. Know i wouldn't score with Z.. it never happened before and it just can't happen and it won't.
But happiness is ..right now,sharing a bed.. and being spooned by Z without him freekin' out.. and it brings back alot of nice memories. And for now.. tonight,Tiger is warm.
8)
..>v<
martes, junio 01, 2004
-->>
..the tiger is ..??
..the tigers are fighters.. and poachers kill them.. they are in danger. some bad men have made fools of the tigers .. and the tigers struggle in a decaying world it seems.
..is this what it is?? is my heart the tiger ?? Is that waht the tigers represent..when i speak and see, and feel the tigers??
.. i think so.. i have the heart of tiger.. my heart is the tigers.. i am a tiger !!
..something big may happen today.. i hope.
.. steadfast tiger..
..>v<