{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
viernes, junio 18, 2004
-->> 
..four horns..
..godammit ..this game makes me so f7cking horny..i don't understand it. God.. i love old Zelda 2 NES game ..but god..i don't know why..
Well maybe i do.. but i'd rather not go into it..
..i can just imagine my friend ;Jan now..
"O you have such a strange fetish.. o' ..it's just so strange, your fetishes."
..yeh sh8t.. i miss Mig (the M & M) .. dammit!! Ahhg sh7t!!
..what a weird week. Got to work for mawm again today and i am toast,frustreated as hell.. and goddamm heart won't stop whining !!
..be ok,Sissy..
..(as soon as i get some $$ i'm gonna get me a damm Game Boy A. and i think i know one of the first games i'm gonna buy.. ah f7ck!!
..>v<
jueves, junio 17, 2004
-->>
..be ok..
S.S.C. ..please be ok !! Yeh..i'm a f8cking master of panic.. but shit.. BE OK !!
I MEAN IT,YO.. don't fuck with this schizo or his heart!! You're my friend.. BE OK!!
..>v<
********************
-->>
..what i do this time??
..fuck.. obviously i know i'm not perfect ..and still have a long ways to go..
..lately it seems everything i do,say,feel.. artwork wise.. i need to beat around the bush, not be myself..and baisically just take 'shit'.
Noone wants me to die..yet at the same time i need to wade thru' the bullshit people throw my way and give a hoot a holler a wink and a thumbs up.
..well shit.. you know.. dammit. I'm sorry i'm still learning, i'm sorry i'm not perfect.
..i'm sorry i am fucking exhausted and working my ass off for this fucked school situation. Yeh.. alot has happened these past several years i'm not proud of.. and still noone seems to think i can do it and get thru it or be stable enuff of a friend or boyfriend or whatever. I'm just not enuff' man.. but shit. When they need me.. i come thru. No matter what. And then after they get thru their shit..it's back to flinging it over their shoulder and onto me. If i hear one more time that .."You are forcing the people to hold the gun to your head,tokk.."
..i will fucking scream.
some people act like i don't have anything intelligant to share.. or enuff' mind to know right and wrong.. well shit.
..jesus.. if you don't know me well enuff' by now..then fuck it.
..i need a nap.
..>v<
martes, junio 15, 2004
-->> 
..tip toe on egg shells
..
Monday was a cluttered,exhausted day.. i'm still feeling overwhelmed by the bull shit and very confused. There are alot of decisions i'm having to make and especially major ones that are just so damm frustrating and jesus. Yeh.. it's shit i knew i was going to have to face..and the things that i ran around and the topics i dodged or just looked at from a distance. But now.. i can't be walking on egg shells and just hoping i don't break a few bubbles. If i am supposed to live in this time line normal people call 'life' ..then there is a matter of self content i think i need to obtain.. at least the level of happiness i'd hope i deserve. Really anyone deserves.
I've been putting it off.. this shit i need to tell my teacher. A girl in class asked me last night..after Jo dropped me off at class.. "When are you gonna graduate??" I told her i 'wasn't.' At least prolly not from the school here. It kind of came out like that. I was a little afraid my teacher would hear what i had blurted out to the girl but then i was hoping he did overhear it cuz ..GODAMMIT.. I AM NOT STAYING HERE !!
Sometimes it was embarrassing.. people would ask me how long i'd been in school ..or if it was my senior year or whatever.. i didn't know what to tell them. Now i just say ..well i've been in school scince i was in kindygarden and i've never graduated anything. People are just like, "wow.. " . I had alot of other things i'd tell them ..just quick things to drop the topic.. like .."Well i may graduate in the fall.. i'm gonna try to graduate in the Spring."
..but all this is so old. Fuckit'.. i don't know if i've been trying to avoid hurting my teacher's feelings.. or if i have just been putting off..prolly both. Truth is.. other than the whole job aspect. I just don't care. No i won't drop out. But i generally loose alot of feeling at ther fucking campus.
While it isn't some 'hallowed hall' ..a classic place where a hundred generations before me walked and talkd and learned.. it still is it's own little institution. Pikes Peak College has exsisted in some form or another for more than 70 years if i remember correctly. But this particular campus and the ones it has spawned has only been around scince the 1970s i beleive. Hardly 'hallowed' ..still it was a place where i generally had enjoyed going. Scool at one point was a refuge. It's been my Job.. i got paid to work there.. it has been a trying place. I faced alot of bullshit and polotics i don't think any student should have faced. It has been the stepping stone to the knowledge-base i have now..not just in computing and both the tech and design of that. But also my design and art base..and the first place ..really where i a teacher took me serious as an artist. The schizo,seizure prone wreck of a boy.. was slowly boosted to a relatively skilled wreck of a man..who still feels like a boy. I dunno.
There used to be a real 'FEELING' there.. a fog of an energy.. and at times..i felt like i was creating more than chaos.. and that my future was actually being established. God.. how i'd long for the day i'd be able to walk up to this podium..with my family and Mike and stuff.. people who love me..seeing me get a rolled up paper with my name on it and sometihng with a seal.. and a bunch of fancy signatures. A big hug from my teacher and just a real proud day. We'd celebrate. And finally i'd have something that all these 'graduates' have.. allt hese people around me..that have 'moved on' . I would have documentation of time spent,learned,..and acheived.
..but no.. at this point..now.. i just sigh.. do my best to accept that it won't happen to me. Struggle thru' a way out of this.. and keep trying to get my heart thru' this..'means of living'. It's time to go.. and my teacher..as much as i care about him. As much as a father figure he has been and still is. I have to go.
..now. Not a year from now. NOW. Yes..i understand that 'Now' will even take it's time. No more quandries and hearts in disarray. I have goals and aims.. and it is not here.
I was planning on being dead in May. But i have found some relative short means of hope. I mean it's vauge ..and still the messages i get are skewed and confused. But instead of panic and worry.. i'm just going to do my best to plan for these things,prepare.. and hope. I've been looking at a few differant schools. Yeh..i'm prolly gonna try to move to Texas for awhile.
..i'm not expecting my reception to be all roses and sunshine. But i've got to start somewhere.. and at someplace my heart feels fairly whole. It won't be easy..none of these steps realy have been or are.
I only really have a few gen. education classes to finish off.. maybe if i can nab some certificates,get my credits inline ..transfer as much as i can. I might be able to graduate down there in Texas.
Or not.. we'll see, i can only climb this mountain in stages.
My heart still dangles by a string. But even that needs to be handled in steps.. in non-paniced strides. And it is hell.
While nothing is certain.. the person who has kind of been holding my heart (on a leash sometimes) told me that '..anything was possible.' and '..that i hadn't been ruled out.' These are some of the few things i've had ..while not much,makes my heart feel a little bit better.
Something i threw out there:: My love and care knows no bounds. Schizophrenic as i may be.. i am not inept. And i do my best to open minded as well. There is a third party involved. They know 'of me' but they don't know me. The possiblity of them knowing me is uncertain. In fact this whole thing is very uncertain. But in time.. as things progress.. if this 3rd party that has been gracious,loving and kind to the 2nd person that i really care for.. this is a person i'm honouring very much right now and i'd like to get to know them as well and include them in my heart. But that is kind of off in the distance for now. This may not be a mututal thing so..i dunno yet.
Love knows no bounds with me. And i like love.
Still yeh.. it's weird and prolly confusing to people,so i really haven't talked to anyone about it. It's prolly be one of those.. "Crazy Tokka" things or some 'hair brained' thing ..but life has not ever been normal for me ever. In any facet. As i have known it. Had i known the past 2 years would have impacted me as much as they have beforehand.. i don't know if i would have set coarse the way i am now. And still..nothing is certain. But ..yeh.. i prolly would have gone the way i did.. as crazy as life has been.
..
The things i do and the things i hear and see..perhaps are representational.. to me they ARE real. Yeh..it seems as if i am seeing the Saint of Death.. and feeling it as the shark bites my throat. But i will fight tooth and nail to survive this shit. To be confident individual.. and to be someone my friends want to be around.
And know what.. it isn't selfish to want to be happy. I need to listen to that. That is one of my goals.. to be happy. i know where that potential lay. It's within me. God..yeh..i want to feel happy again and with angel.. all in stages.. all in stages.
..and all of this is happening now. Just need to keep my footing.
..>v<
domingo, junio 13, 2004
-->> 
..ain' that sweet..
..the city that really isn't a home anymore.. i bring up the point alot.it's very fried and labored by now.
If Colorado Springs were anything..it could be described as a bouquet of carnations..Beautiful and sweet..
wrapped in a giant ball the thickest of thorned vines ..painful and cutting.
This city was my home once upon a long ago..but now it's just disdain.
..i hate it here alot. The past serveral months it had also turned into a prison. I'd never felt so trapped,hurt or lost ever. Trying to get back to studying the things dear to my soul..the night.. the cool 3 A.M. are..the freshness only the early morning brings in this ravaged place where destruction would seem it plays a pivotal role in many of it's inhabitants. The night has always been there for me.. but it's been more of my waking hours,my working hours..yeh i'm doing better as far as getting out in the day. But the night is my companion so much anymore.. and at times it's been my only friend.
..but with the thorns there are still flowers trapped and trying to weed themselves out just like me. And the perspectives of these other 'flowers' would differ prolly.. but theirs' would be just as relevant. I believe my friend Eddie is just one of those flowers.
I've known him for awhile now..we did go to school together.. butt he past few years have been a great deal of change for him as well.. other things have kept him from school. And outside of school ..i've only hooked up with him a small # of times.
..i'd get careless..loose his number..find it..call him..loose it again. But he's been a damm good friend that i've needed to contact and wanted to .. so braking that pattern was needed.
Edd has always been just the nicest guy.. always real supportive.. da bomm sh8t artist and was the first anime-style guy that i knew that drew so well and wasn't cocky about it like alot of the other pricks i met at cartoon school.
When Edd first came out to me.. it wasn't a shock or a suprise.. i think the thought he might be gay crossed my mind.. but i didn't worry about it. He's my friend..that was that. And it was easy. But it really has been awhile scince i got to chill with Eddie and enjoy his company as a friend.. the last time i really did talk to him on a personal was just before i got involved with Mig and that was like October 2002.. (gees).
Just socializing on a personal level is prolly all i really need now and then. But clubbing here is a joke. I can't get in more than 1/2 the time cuz the way i 'dress' ..yeh..wear dance apperal to a Clorado Springs club..good luck gettin' in the door. People are stuck up,rude.. or almost underage seeming and sometimes it just seems as if some of the rowdier G.I.s just wanna get down the girls' panties.
..i dunno.. i'm too confused by people anymore.. to hurt.. to lost..and the vines choke me and cut me.
But it was cool to hook up with Eddie.. and i'm gonna try to socialize more with him.
Jo is real busy alot.. i don't get to talk to Cousin or Sara alot.. Z is over so rare.. while at some point i get to see these best of friends.. it's fewer and farther between anymore.. it's difficult..specially when you just need a friend. Maybe that's just what i needed last night. Alot has changed scince i last saw Eddie. Everything is so much darker. And i'm working on survival the best i can. He lives down the long hill from me and it is quite a walk.. and i was famished by the time i got to his place..and very exhausted. His friends were staying with him for a short time 'til they could find a place. One was sleeping mostly and her beau was busy with the blow-torch making bongs.. there was a sweet puppy and a small kitten there so.. animals always break up awkward situations so it was nice. After i ate we were able to talk more.. jsut talk..the Toonami was boring as hell on the teli..wtf.. yeh,talk.
.. but catching up was easy.. even tho' ..fairly much alot was told. Edd was first told the other day about me.. i 'came out' to him.. he was a little suprised i guess.
Alot has happened to my body,my soul,my being.. my heart .. and the past several months had been such a painful blur..i barely beleive i'm still here.
Eddie listens intently.. but 'goofy' ..pretty ebony boy,shy demeanor.. glasses..
who's not to afraid to be himself.. and despite his hardships.. a general love for life.
..
he flips the dials on the radio.. just to hear whats on.. he may sing a little to the song.. or he may be distracted by his cell phone or the cat.. but once you get back on track..he's still listening.. and he can interject and relate. Turns out he's faced some similar things as i have.. we kind of kicked it to anew level of our friendship..it was real nice..left me all warm and fuzzy and cared for. That's rare.. cuz yeh ..again.. schizo home alone.. fightin'. Gets tricky.
I revealed to him the events of the past year plus. As did he..my interactions with Z,.
hurtful family things and the new levels of dividance between me and my family. My hardships with the school and his. And on top of it all my heart.. once again took the spotlight. And now this ..nearly-impossibly seeming goal to get myself in somewhat better order and find my way back home. And the uneasy and uncerain transition i'm making now. Even the fact that i still kiss Mig's picture sometimes makes me question how bad a person i am. Edd said it was an ok thing and not at all weird..
i felt better about that.
..fact is i need to keep studying these teaching like Bruce Lee and such..and the fact that i need not be a stranger to Edd.
He's fighting his own battles of the heart.. and it takes it's toll on him..but wow.. still the same goofy,ol' Eddie.. it was getting way late.. i was fried. His friend hadn't shown up for a ride for me back to the basement..so i walked back. On the way out Eddie made a goofy look to the left and..said..
"what was that i was gonna do ?? ..o' YEAH!!"
..he gave me a little kiss on the lips.. and it was so damm sweet. I gave him the biggest hug.. i nearly cried. It was nice to talk to Eddie..and to see such a sweet friend i'd not been in contact with for so long. He walked me a 1/3 of the way home.. and i felt pretty warm and fuzzy as we walked..i was kind of blushing as we headed to the corner and the Conoco station turn off. He asked me.. "What ??"
..i just said i was shy to the fact he kissed me..
(yeh..don't worry..nothin's gonna happen.. he already made it clear where his heart is now.. so.. we're just friends..)
..he said that he said i was always a real sweet person and that he always wanted to kiss me. If the early morning chill wasn't already making me blush.. i was to the point where my cheeks were prolly as rosey as a red crayon.
..immersed in chaos.. i loose sight of everything.. Mig has been trying to show me that this is not the way it needs to be. Sometimes i need to stop and smell the roses.. and the carnations.. and maybe my goals will be difficult to obtain. But with my friends..like Jo,Cousin,Sara,Jan,Mig,many others..& Eddie.. it isn't that impossible.
.. tiger rests warm again. Dreaming for something better.. and in a matter of hours.. he will be working on it.
..>v<