{ the dead archival }
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
sábado, junio 26, 2004
-->> 
.. did ya get the number on that truck??
..my mind is racing.. my heart is pounding.. and i was in a wreck ..in my mind.
..i want my thoughts to stop.. just stop.. the voices to slow and my breathing to slow.
..i try ..and thjey don't.. i was extremly suicidal twords the end of last week and fighting these voices and heads feelings takes so much out of me.
..i worked for mawm later in the day Saturday..she was real nice,took me for a burger and i showed her the papaers for me to submit artwork to the San D Con coming up. She let me drive to Kmart and we got some shelving and things i needed to put together for her.. and after that, she lent me the car.. (i have to bring it back to her house later in the morning cuz i have to work for again.
but i did take advantage of this opportunity.
It was the first time my mawm had ever let me barrow anything like this. Yeh.. i'm a late duck when it comes to driving.. it took me a real long time to get my driver license. I'm not used to having my own 'ride' ..or mad wheels and all the things people take pride in or take for granted when they have at the very least a ready means of transportation. To say i was a little excited would be acurate. I took a big load of recycles to the Safe Way.. ran to Wally World for a Ninja Turtle.. i got so excited i left a message on Mig's message machine. I did leave the Wal-mart without my headlights on. My Mawm's car is real weird and it was hard to tell if the headlights were on..(i thought they were but i guess i'm just dumb).. a police man pulled me over. He thought i was on drugs. I told him i was a new driver and he freeked out for some reason. O well.. he let me go and told me to put the lights on. I was real nervous tho' when i came back here. Just real shakey.. i guess i'll ahve to get used to this 'driving' thing'.
..
..i'm real cold right now and very nervous. Last night i talked to Mig.. and no matter what..i just told him simply that i miss him. He misses his beau.. and for some weird reason..i miss theguy too. Maybe that's bad..i hope not tho' ..i thru and thru .. trust Mig's heart.. and like i said.. anyone Mig cherishes is someone i honour. Guess that doesn't make sence. Up is down and down is left and left is right and right is down at this moment. My mind is still rcing.. voices and more voices..
GGGGGGGGOOD FUCKING STOP!!
..i miss you,Mig.. goddammit.. ..
chill,tOkKa.. chill.. o god..
..and then the what if's set in again, you know ..it's like what the-- ..
..i want to be warm again.. i want to feel again. I hope.. i hope..
..some day. .. Maybe this all will slow down to the pace Miguel enjoys. Like Mig sez.. it's .."Up to me." Guess that's my lot.. if i want my heart to move and feel and 'be' where it is leading me..i have to 'do'.. i have ..i am.. ..
..racing..running.. .. going.. doing. .. ..
..>v<
..>v<
-->>
..ya know..
..the M & M would love me if i was this cute.. ya know..
..>v<
jueves, junio 24, 2004
-->> yeh ..yeh yeh..cute..
..kill me..
..>v<
lunes, junio 21, 2004
-->>
what ifs.. ??
..the past 2 days my mind has been racing non-stop once again..
..i keep tripping over my thoughts and i even had to hang up on Mig on the phone last night just so he wouldn't get pissed at me.
Keeping perspective on 'EVERYTHING' is very difficult especially when you are amidst the chaos you are trying to keep in 'perspective'. I gave up trying to figure out my 'lot in life' long ago.. it's just not usually easy to for me to handle. While my aire of stababilty is constantly at question.. it's suprising to me i'm able to 'prove them wrong' just when they think they've stuck a staple on me and tagged me as 'this' or 'that'.
While i'm running from this.. i am still running tword that objective i originally was heading. a little over a year and 1/2 ago i'd discovered something about myself i never truly understood.. and my heart just jumped.. i was racing from a darkness i'd never known little to realise the much greater darkness ahead. Now while i was running in circles for awhile ; .. i'm running what i feel is 'back on track'.
The things that set me into motion a year and 1/2 plus.. ago ,have take new shapes.. and now it has grown into two hearts my heart is after.
Suicide always looks around tiems like this. And i am ignoring everybit of it.
I keep seeing things and hearing things.. and this tiger is running away from all of that.
And the possible 'What if ..' is lingering like a small weight at the bottom of my gut.
Now i can't count on the 'what if's i know.. i'm not retarded.. but isn't "ok" to speculate and wonder?? Isn't that what makes me somewhat human?? I mean to be realistic.. but to still hope and dream?? god i dunno.
.. 'Shizophrenia' is not my "gift" .. and i wish people would stop seeing it as a curse.
..especially me.
..and with the proper preps and things i am trying to accomplish. Maybe this chaos will be in perspective..a thing of my past. The 'What if's can be figments of a possible future.. and my NOW.. a semblance of everything that makes me strong.
..i dunno. .. 'What if' i was happy.. for once.
..keep runnin' ,tOkK .. "it" ain't over yet. Neither am i..
..>v<