{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
? ? ? ?
-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
sábado, julio 17, 2004
-->>
Shake it off..
..it's just 2 more days.. then i get to go..leave this idiot city for a few days with my friend. I will get to chill with friends,show my silly portfolio.. and see what becomes of the painting i entered in the Art show at Comic-con.
Once again..nothing makes sence.. my mawm was so drunk.. she was mixing her medicine. I was working for her until about 11:30 in the evening. I remember needing to take a break about 10 tho' to call Miguel..it calmed me down enough to finish up for her. I finished up my work for her..swearing to her that i would return in the morning.. all i remember ws her swearing "How much she hated jesus.." .."And how she wanted to sleep.." .. i don't understand why the f7ck my father shares the same room with her when she is all manic like this. I couldn't think.. i was crying again. You just can't really get used to this. I don't know think i was crying cuz my mawm keeps doing this.. least not totally. But it adds so much stress to the already longing my heart it facing. The roller coaster of Miguel and the past year has kind of wound down. For the most part..i think somehow..someway.. we've survived this friendship and are moving on the best way we know how. He has Marcos which brings me some releif. His own mental health was worrying me so bad. Marcos brought in a rush of life to Mike and i'm ver honoured by that. It also makes it so impossibly painful as well..the longing is very difficult. At this point i just want to be with the both of them..but it's also impossible to tell how that can happen at this point. i only know 'of' Marcos..and Miguel wants me to concentrate on taking care of what i have to do here. The challenges ahead will have to remain just that.. 'the challenges ahead'. Last year the stress of all that was happening and my racing mind kind of killed some of the mode of being on vacation,spending time with friends and the person i love. There were alot of mixed messages and dunno.. it was a good trip last year ,but more challenging and stressful than it needed to be. I'll be dammed if the mistakes i made last year happen this time around.
I am going for me..Comic-con will be challenging yes.. but hopefully .. a little relaxing. Maybe i'll get to spend a bit of time with Mig..man0 e man0.. we'll see. I can't spend the short time i am there in Cali on the future that isn't here yet and if Mike and Marcos can somehow let me be their boyfriend. all in time i guess.
This is where things are right now. And it's gonna take all the courage i can muster ..and alot of strength to even face Miguel. It's gonna be a long day today.. and Monday.. hopefully i'll be road ready by Tuesday morn ..when me and my friend drive from idiot Colorado..
.. right now.. this is how i feel..
..::
..time to rest..
..>v<
miércoles, julio 14, 2004
-->>
..blur of a blur..
..again..to stress..sucidal feelings i have do not mean i am going to kill myself.
..YES I DO WANT TO BE EXTREMLY DEAD RIGHT NOW. But there is an order and a process i must face for if i eradicate myself from this exsistance at this moment.. the problems will prolly get much worse. My mother has hurt me incredibly bad within the 14 hours that i have typed this. My heart is racing.. my mind is racing and i cannot shut out all these voices and these talking heads.
I have come a long way i suppose within' the past 2 years..and right now between the struggles there is the muddling. The frustration of schizophrenia and a disease i simply may not ever get used to.
Constantly ..everywhere i go,people can't get over this stereotype that i am a 'drug addict' and the narrow minded bullshit people feed into is uncanny. My days and nights are neither. I rest when i can. I take my medicine the best i can. I hear so many voices and see so many creatures. I do my best as i travel the roads in my car now..an almost incredible feat really. It took me a real long time to get my license. I am still very much in school now. The prospect of graduation and getting a degree i've worked so hard for all this time.. is now about shot..yet i do all that i can to stay in the school and face what i must to get someplace.
The dependancy on myself on MYSELF is still very much in the process. Maybe i am late bloomer.. but some people would rather have me stuck in the state hospital if they had their choice.. and i'm also supposed to be dead. So.. what.
.. this is life here for tOkKa..
and then there's mawm.. my mother.
As she has progressed thru' her own painful life..she had developed this aire of..
"Well i gotta prove that i can do this. I gotta do this.. for noone beleives in me."
Mawm came from a very odd household.. and had endured some very painful truamas as she grew up. She started working at a fairly young age.. 13 or 14 i think..and well i guess she hasn't stopped working ever scince. At this point i don't know what she realy has left to prove, and certainly she didn't have anything to prove to me. While we have been at odds for years. I still very much love my mother. And to let things go and even the abuses i had to endure. Fuck..it's the only way i could keep her in my heart.
"Mawm is Mawm.. i can't change her.. she can only change herself.. but i can love her."
But somewhere along the line things blurred for her. Alcohol became 'medicine' for her ..and it has been the most destructive force betwen that dwindling bond i have with her. when i was little ..she'd say..
"I am a responsible adult."
.. she mixed the wines with 7up or Coke and it was to help her 'relax'.
She was a responsible adult. She kept this up.. i don't ever recall a time when any form of alcholic drink wasn't in the damm house.. always hidden,under the sink.. as if the kids wouldn't find it. As i got older.. she got into heaveir alcohols and continued with the wine thing. Filling large plastic cups..the kind you'd find at a fountain at a gas station for Soda to the top with wine..and whatever was 'watering down' the alcolhol.
She wasn't ever a responsible adult.. and that reality should have come to me the few times i got into the car with her while she was drunk.
A thorn in my side now also happens to be the fact that i am now employed by her. She is my 'boss' .. i knew this would be difficult when we made the deal back in May that i start working for her pretty much full time. I understand i have responsibilities. And while me schedule is imperfect. I am not just trying to stiff anyone. I work my ass off for whoever has employed me. Mawm or otherwise. I AM A FUCKING HARD WORKER.. AND MY WORK ETHIC SHOULD NOT BE AT QUESTION.
I have also been planning on the San Diego Comic-con trip, the continual frustrations at school and the dealing with the financial bullshit and trivialities the idiot computers that the campus spews out. Something new everyweek !! More frustrating than the week before. I am working around the clock on art work and putting together a small semblance of a portfolio. Yeh it'd be nice to be able to get work someplace in the fields or something i'm actually trained in. The degree issue is what's working against me right now. The DAMM college won't let me graduate !!
Blah blah blahbaaauurr. ..blur.
The whole year had gone by in struggle,pain,torment and yet accomplishment. And it might as well have happened yesterday.
I took a heavy nap yesterday. Went out for awhile in the afternoon.. and came back.
I was going to head to my mawm's house for work around the evening time. i turned on my machine to have over 20 messages all from her. She was drunk again.
Tired,exhasted..and drunk.
And angry with me.
She said things on the messages i'd not heard scince i was 16. Things cutting to me. She trashed other people in my life. People i have loved and cared about. People no longer living. She used my suicidal tendancies against me. She talked about the times i had injured,cut and burned myself dealing with the pain ..she used that against me. She said i was a drug addict.. she said i was game player. She said she needed my help and that i was a fucking idiot not willing to help her. She brought up things that happened years ago. Things i thought forgiven and forgotten. She hurt me bad.
I didn't go over there.. i messaged her on her cell phone telling her to get some rest. And then i'd come over. I tryed to go out and get the lights on my car fixed. The tail lights are really messed up and i'm still new to the whole car issue. People kept tail-gating me as i drove. One guy nearly smashed into my side as he was trying to turn as i was heading forward down the road. My mind racing.. my ehart aching..i wanted to throw up. I started laughing like the Joker.. and tears flooded my vision.it was hard to see..
.. i stepped on the gas ..faster and faster i went down the road. I wanted to flip the car so badly. I saw a red light. Stopped.. wiped my tears.
..ad thought about the person i am very much still in love with. I thought about the madd thing that it is ..about the other person i am in love with and who i've not even met.
..and i cryed.. and it got blurry..
..blurry. ..and it's all so blurry.
..i still feel like the lost seven year old.
I almost hate my mother. Almost.
.. i gotta move on. I'll do my best for her while i am still living in colorado. But soon i gotta follow my heart all the way out of here. Soon she will have to fight her demons with out me in the middle.
..it's amazing to even me havn't crashed .. dead.
It all hurts like hell.. it's a trillon times more difficult to deal with. Somehow i am doing it.
..schizophrenia and all.
My parents have no fucking idea what has occured the past 2 years. They prolly won't be able to accept it.
But enough ramble,tOkKa..
..i'm hurting so bad right now. I needed the clarity 10 years before yesterday.
This blur has gone on long enough.. when the blur starting blurring.. i got lost real bad.
But this is now. I need clarity now. And the only one who can get it for me is ME.
.. i'm going to go rest.
..>v<