{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
? ? ? ?
-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
viernes, julio 30, 2004
-->> 
..your fly down..
..the whole trip to San Diego last week left me overwhelmed..in many good 7 ways.. prolly so muany more good than bad.
..'Gay' and 'Schizophrenic'.. you'd think those would be 2 words you could possibly see together. But if it'd be in the classic and phychotic sterotypes of those words.i dunno what. I just don't.. within' the past 4 years..i've had to come to grips with both. Yeh i use the term 'Bi-' ..and i don't even know if that's my safety net..or just the fact that i've been in relationships with both sexes. Would the monicor (sp) even matter anymore ?? I mean sh8t..if i could deal with the issue of sexuality at an earlier time i would have..i could have?? .. i dunno.. i was hurt by a male person at a fairly young age. Sexualy.. i look forward to seeing this person in hell.. unless i can find a way to forgive them. Just not ever seeing them again has been good enough for me.. (the fucker)..
.. that was one of the deepest scars i kept hidden for the longest time..
..enough to f7ck me over in the mindset so bad and ruin my clarity on sexuality in general. So many mixed messages that continue to pour out of my family to this day..an oddly strict catholic upbringing..so much chaos and confusion..just what moved me and turned me on were things that often i may as well have just put my penis in a blender and have sex with that.
One year when i was a kid i remember being in so much fear of the 'gay thing'.. after attending a Marion conference (..a Catholic Super-con in honour of the Blessed Virgin Mary).. i was praying the Rosary all day that i could.. and oddly devout to the Bible..i even started smashing my head in the wall of the side of the house so my fucking head would just absorb 'The Lord' or whatever to purge me from what i felt and dreamt. Sure i was turned on by girls.. and i still am. But i don't really think it was an issue of what turned me on.. but an issue of a major part of who i was. So many mistakes sexual realtionships lead me to be very fearful of sex in general. And the fear of what happened when i was younger left me so hurt.
Confusion in this mind tho' is par for the coarse. And my need for death and freedom of pain turned into a battle to live and feel.. and i burned and cut my flesh in order to be real. The outer pain made me real.. as the unreal inner pain made me less and less flesh. The pain is more focused now..i still fight the 'unreal'.. but there is so much more at stake now & cutting and slashing has had crippling effects on others. This issue is tired and hard. I cannot gaurantee i won't cut again.. but i can say i am fighting it right now. My need for death had turned into a deep love for freedom. And my freedom from maddness. And so much more.
Seeing what i saw..like the tigers.. and dealing with so much chaos and anxiety left me 'crazy'. I wasn't smart.. i was 'on drugs'. I still get this.. is so fried.. so dumm, and it is predjudice. So many trips to the hospital and psych-ward.. i am so sick of that. No peace of mind.. not ever..
..not me.. not for me. Just death.
so many roller coasters,boarding homes,pills,crushes,stupid sex trips with dirty girls who didn't love me,drunk mawm,silent father,dieing loved ones,suicide attempts,poisoning,slash and burning.. .. and 2 motor vehicles hitting me in one night ..yeh people been thru' worse.. BUT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD !!
And that heart just kept beating somehow.. and suddenly in the darkest moment i ever had.. an angel had saved me.. but he too lost faith in himself and in me.
The biggest change in my life happened ..the most confusing adjustment.. now i was 'officially' GAY.. ..it wouldn't matter if i called it 'bisexual' .. if you are bi- ..well you are still gay.. and strait i guess..
.. but gay is gay. I am gay.. ok.. i'm a late bloomer on everything else in my life.. why would me sexuality be any differant.
The love of my life couldn't really graps what i was going thru.. how could he.. when i was still trying to grasp it. At some point he just couldn't take it.. and at the very tip of when i thought i was coming to terms of everything and even me.. he was going to 'let me go'. Around the time of my birthday last year.. a period of two or three days.. the terror of loosing everything i was working so hard to build with this person and the smashing of my heart ..like on some rocks on an ocean side.
What had started with a sudden light in one of my darkest moments ..was about to be snubbed out and ending on a much darker moment.
But instead.. my whole life was set on fire. This person had shifted into a very strange position in my life..and on my birthday..the anger and determination to maintain overcame my suicidal abilities. The year blurred by.. as i road the roller coaster alone.. he had been a friend sometimes..sometimes a crutch.. and at times a very thing i despised and hated for the pain he had caused. Soon tho'..i was finding a subblime strength in him. As something wonderful,new and beautiful had blossemed in his life.. i suppose i expected to jump on yet another roller coaster crash after the one i had already been on. Instead.. as a new person had entered my love's life.. i began to grow oddly happy. My heart just kept growing so much more in love with all of this.
It was wanted..i was horrified..but it was inevitable. I would have to face this person again. And while my trip was so much fun,it was a good opportunity ( i may get a job out of this),a rush, and a wonderful memory trip..
..it was the most challenging thing i've ever done. I'd say i did pretty well tho'. I hope anyway.
..As it turns out.. while it must have been obvious to everyone else.. it's like i had my fly down..and noone would tell me for fear that i would be unpredictable or something if they said anything. I took the awkwardness of all my friends out there as them 'not liking me'. Turns out sh8t hit the fan..and well people kind of knew what went down with me and Miguel ..or others would feed off that awkwardness.
When i got to see those beautiful eyes again.. i couldn't feel victimized.. i couldn't feel hate or terror, suicidal, or fear.. just the weight of the longing..the love..and the wanting to be with Marcos and Miguel so bad.
I can't explain it anymore.. i can't.
While it's so hard to accept ..that's all i can do. I want to be part of a family.
My mind felt very handicapped.. my heart felt immensly sad. And at many points i just wanted to die.
..all the way back from San D to Colorado.. i was having such a hard time driving. My friend ;Antonio ..(who luckily has been very supportive about all this..) had to take over the wheel. Tony also said that..
'That is life,man. Growing pains.'
..guess that's good to tell to a suicidalist..i dunno.
..Tony has become one of my best friends.. he's really cool. We've been even able to joke about all my little quirks and falicies.. just my luck he thinks the whole 'gay' thing is "icky" .. yeh.. i told him i checked out his arse. The guy has a body to put 'Lance Armstrong'.. i should be so lucky..( ..i'm kidding, Antonio).
But he really is a good guy none-the-less.
..I dunno.. i've been fairly out of words scicne i got back Monday..i'm still trying to put all this in perspective. ..i better rest..i'm gay.. ok,whatever.. i'm ok with that.
One of the portfolio interveiws i had went really well.. maybe there is some hope here. School is about to kick me out.. and i got an appointment with the dean soon. yayayaa.. back to the flight of heart.. and the hope of Miguel and Marcos.. (??)
..but it's all differant now..i'm not the same person.. it's not that i have a split or multiple personality.. perhaps my racing mind is just continually evolving into 'something' ..
..i'll zip up my fly ..
..but just as soon as i'm done masturbating..
..o gawd..
..>v<