{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..

sábado, agosto 14, 2004 -->> ..2 feel.. .. suicidal.. again.. all i can do is pace,walk,talk to angels and work.. ..tweaking some new layout for the damm blogg here.. ( i generally have been double posting this stuff on devart as well as the blogg for some reason.. ) i've also had so many friends jump onto Live Journal.. so i've recently added a few more links all from those friends. ..Even Mig has decided to apperantly abandon his ol' blogg and head to the L.J.'s..his new design is simpler and cheerier than i've ever seen him do.. kinda neat. ..increasingly the anxiety is building and the days are blurring so much now.. i'm really needing to feel. I'm fighting the urge to solder myself.. and even bleeding would be nice. But like i say.. i am working and moving to fight this. .. there is also yet another dark aire around.. it's so deep in the pit of my stomach it's like it goes right thru' me and into oblivion. Gaw i so want to fucking just get this sh8t done with and die. ..but can't do that either. Fight fight fight.. ..fuck ..i need to feel.. FUCK.. NOW !! ..yet i'm treated like a criminal simply because i love.. .. like a fucking delusional little kid cuz i love and care about Mig and Marcos.. ..and i am treating like a criminal because i love.. goddamm.. i need to feel right now!! FUCKING NOW !! .. i want to feel life.. but how can you feel a blur?? ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   viernes, agosto 13, 2004 -->> ..teddy for noiven.. ..via aim: -- :: tOkKAb2: hi tOkKAb2: hi b: hi tOkKAb2: hi tOkKAb2: hi tOkKAb2: ho tOkKAb2: hi tOkKAb2: ho b: 4 days my bday tOkKAb2: it's off to work we go tOkKAb2: oooo tOkKAb2: happy bday tOkKAb2: my name is b ,too !! tOkKAb2: hi !! b: tmw u no work tOkKAb2: yes i have work ,maw!! tOkKAb2: good news !! b: u saud off work when tOkKAb2: no i will be shoveling not sawing b: but u said u day off next weekend tOkKAb2: yeh but it is this weekend almost b: when u can see me tOkKAb2: Saturday b: sure tOkKAb2: ok i'll be there Saturday tOkKAb2: so when you come to see me?? tOkKAb2: can you be here Saturday?? b: sure u want me over ur place or u come my place tOkKAb2: ok we'll meet at the store b: i better idea grandpa drop me off ur place u have car tOkKAb2: when can you come to see me?? b: saturday is good tOkKAb2: ok i'll be there sunday b: u want sun or sat which tOkKAb2: ok Saturday ,Sunday and monday tOkKAb2: ok i'll be there b: sure i can hang out with u tOkKAb2: ok i'll be there Monday tOkKAb2: better yet why don't we meet at the store tOkKAb2: i'l bring Cake.. b: ahem!!! u want 3 day sat and sun and mon u are sure b: sure where tOkKAb2: mmm.. better make it Tuesday tOkKAb2: ..i'll bring cake.. b: yeah sure tOkKAb2: ..and Jerry Lewis.. he's fat now so i don't think it'll make much differance tOkKAb2: noiven tOkKAb2: i'll bring the party tOkKAb2: the whole party.. not half of one like the last time.. tOkKAb2: lasttime we had a big mess with only half the party there.. do you remember the last engagement ?? Well do you ?? b: yea u know yeah i need think of it some people u want over my place sleep? tOkKAb2: yeh there is this Bear.. tOkKAb2: i think he's liek to sleep in your kitchen tOkKAb2: he's real nice as long as you feed him.. tOkKAb2: 'EVERYTHING' b: WHATEVER!! tOkKAb2: well what about the cake?? tOkKAb2: can he eat your cake tOkKAb2: he's really hungry tOkKAb2: all the time even!! b: NO people only tOkKAb2: but ..b-but that's prejudice.. predjudice against bears !! b: my rules tOkKAb2: you are a bearacict !! You are !! tOkKAb2: i am calling PETA!! b: i am gold rangers tOkKAb2: they have lawyers!! tOkKAb2: they sue you tOkKAb2: .. no you are a bear biggot !! tOkKAb2: we are suing you !! b: they arrest u tOkKAb2: no you.. you hate bears !! b: bears u said care bear i love it tOkKAb2: so i can bring the bear !! ?? b: ok tOkKAb2: ok well that's better!! tOkKAb2: also i ahve some good news.. i was supposed to tell you !! b: ok whatever u said tOkKAb2: well guess what !!?? b: what??????? tOkKAb2: i'm not pregnant !! tOkKAb2: They told me to tell you!! b: u are not woman tOkKAb2: I have been eating those chewable birth controls !! tOkKAb2: i know isn't it great..!? tOkKAb2: and my skin..so smooth and soft..!! b: bad for u tOkKAb2: what ?? tOkKAb2: no..nono tOkKAb2: babies are wonderful.. tOkKAb2: i'm just not ready !! b: u not woman u are man idoit tOkKAb2: when i am ready i'll stop taking birth control.. tOkKAb2: well if i am not a woman ..then explain why i drink milk?? tOkKAb2: huh ?? huh ?? ..yeh.. .. i thought so, b7tch !! tOkKAb2: you shutup b: u are not pussy and boob tOkKAb2: no i am a puppy and a parrot i know i know tOkKAb2: call me!! b: i call u umm jar jar banks boogerbrain tOkKAb2: yes..Jar Jar is very rich yes he makes alot of 'bank'..i'll be sure to thank him for you !! b: lol hahaha u insane tOkKAb2: no you are tOkKAb2: i am pefectly fine tOkKAb2: i spell ral good too tOkKAb2: haha yu woman b: u are not fine u are ummm boogerbrain as crazy u call me jb bonehead duh b: nah i am man tOkKAb2: i am woman hear me roar !! tOkKAb2: no wait.. that was the bear !! tOkKAb2: o noooooooooooooo!! b: u are fried tOkKAb2: yes he will fry me and eat me and dip me in honey !! tOkKAb2: i am died @@!! tOkKAb2: i go hell!! tOkKAb2: o nooooo!! b: oh well tOkKAb2: damm tOkKAb2: !! tOkKAb2: this all your fault b: who me ur bear not me tOkKAb2: no you b: nah tOkKAb2: yes.. you made me gay it's all you fault.. you and umm.. God..yeh..it's his fault too..and i blame the Catholics and Mc Donald's and Spider-man !! tOkKAb2: lookit me.. i am a cow trapped in a bull's body !! b: nice try b: i not gay tOkKAb2: does this font make me look fat ?? tOkKAb2: i know.. you are very VERY sad tOkKAb2: so so sad b: u are crazy tOkKAb2: boo-hoo tOkKAb2: you big baby!! tOkKAb2: boo-hoo tOkKAb2: hahahaha tOkKAb2: big fat baby!! b: i not baby u are idiot!!! tOkKAb2: i may be an idiot but at least i know where my priorities and frankly ,Scarlett.. i just don't give a damm..!! b: ok dave umm u day off sat right tOkKAb2: well i just don't know.. i'll call you ok. tOkKAb2: no you call me.. tOkKAb2: ok b: i call u what time? tOkKAb2: in the morning b: ok i need ur phone number pls tOkKAb2: and if the bear answers.. tell him i'm not here.. tOkKAb2: ok it's 867-5309 tOkKAb2: ok tOkKAb2: 867-5309 b: really? tOkKAb2: well hold on.. let me ask my roommate ,Tommy ..hold on tOkKAb2: .. no no.. he said that's not the number tOkKAb2: o no that's jenny's #.. don't call that number!! tOkKAb2: o my number is here on the wall .. it's 4- b9: u are alone right tOkKAb2: look.. i tryed to call you before.. but i lost my nerve.. no i am not alone..the bear.. the bear is here.. tOkKAb2: (His name is Jenny) tOkKAb2: look i am disturbed.. can i go now?? b: u may go moon tOkKAb2: schizo says what?? tOkKAb2: wait.. tOkKAb2: what?? tOkKAb2: DAMM YOU !! b: lol hahahahah tOkKAb2: tOkKAb2: grr tOkKAb2: bye b: bye bye take care urself tOkKAb2: a55 tOkKAb2: grr tOkKAb2: boo hoo bye.. .. -- ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   jueves, agosto 12, 2004 -->> ..you'll never guess what i do with that lotion bottle nowadays.. ..gonna be real busy & weird day.. ..aside from running around,working,doctor's med check,driving Joyce to grocery, & therapy.. ..my good ol' preacher friend is back in town with his wife.. i am supposed to have dinner with them as Myrna is takin' us out. ..so much has changed the past 2 years.. and we are so far apart anymore. Anytime i did hang out with him and his wife.. they treated my like a retarded child and anytime we did go out ..they'd act like i belonged in a booster seat with a bib and a little plastic hand puppet. The only friend i have that'll readily admit that.. " He won't stop trying to convert me to Christianity." .. ..i don't hate the guy.. he was like a brother at one time.. and maybe that's part of life sometimes i guess.. grow up and drift apart. As much as he may think i 'haven't' grown up.. ..the guy that hooked me up with my first porns,Hustlers, and Penthouse magazines when we were kids.. and taught me what a she-male was.. would be real suprised what things i jerk-it to anymore..(yeh ..he still doesn't know about the whole gay thing..in fact, i'm kinda gonna hope it's an issue that won't come up.. none of his buisiness..but i am a bit nervous.)..yeh the ol' lotion bottle n' me are just in the most stable of relationships anymore. Ah hell.. i'm not looking forward to this..really.. .. o well..better get the holy water out..it's gonna be loooong day. God i miss Miguel.. ..anyone gotta sedative?? ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..