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viernes, agosto 20, 2004
-->> 
..big feet, small steps..
One long week..(weak ?? )
..i woke up crying most of this past several days.. i'm so mixed up,i had what seemed to be a nightmare of a small band of tigers chewing my head on Monday.. it seemed so real. I have a hard time figuring what are dreams and what are my waking hours. It's been pretty hellish this week. Monday night i could have sworn the Saint of Death was sitting in my passenger seat.. i looked over,there she was San La Muerte ..looking at me and pointing to the road.. kinda like she was telling to 'Keep my eye on the Road.' I guess even Death can be a backseat driver..(women..psshhhah..).
.. suicide has once again become a major part of my vocabulary. My tolerance for the mania is dwindling so fast. This seems like my final days here in this exsistance. While i've faced just as dark times before.. again..it just seems so much more twisted now. Transition i undrstand is difficult..i'm not retarded. But at what point am allowed peace?? At what point am i allowed to rest my mind ?? No sh7t it's up to me ..people think it's up for debate that they think i don't know it's my responsibility to take this shit head on and make it work. The same people that debate with me tho' also have fairly differant challenges in their lives than i do..and they are described as what has to be th most vaugue and mundane word in world.. 'normal'.
I did get to go give my friend Jasen a gift for his birthday and see his grandfather.. seems to be fairing better scince he lost his wife even.
Mig had some surgery last week ..he posted a slightly graphic picture on his journal ,as soon as i saw it.. (it looked like he'd been beat up) i cryed so heavy. I worry so much about him,Marcos and them down there. I was so worried i even had a tricky time talking to him on monday morning. Being able to talk to him is somthing i guess yeh i am dependant on sometimes. I so wish he could just delete me.
But i love him.. a few times this week i would drive 70 down the street crying and screaming his name. god..
One thing i drown in is a deep anxiety and fear. I've also felt very much 'seven years old'.. i remember as a child absolute terrors and fears. I was one of those kids that was taught to fear the Boogie men.. and that Hell was a very real place and if i wasn't a 'good' i would deffly have to prepare to go there. Jesus became such a scary thing as well. An well fuck.. i was hurt pychologically and sexually when i was at the catholic school.. those fears manifested into a feeling so manic maybe i'm used to it..maybe i'm not. But i do know the feeling very well.
I've been so consumed by that fear so much this whole past year.. that's what i must be made out of. If i'm such a good person as people claim i am.. how come i'm seeming as if i'm very sick and evil ??
Z came over last night.. i picked him up after work at the boarding home.. i has hoped we'd just have a good time together. But it became a more trying and traumatic night.. and i didn't get any sleep. He had been thru' another med change and with us both feeling fairly much in a mantal shit.. i guess that doesn'y make for a very good soup. He spent so much time pacing and having me try to calm down.. i ended up spending my final couple buck on getting him smokes to calm him down. This is nothing new.. near everytime Z comes over..i have to get him smokes. He runs out of his alloted 'pack a day' from the boarding home.. or he is totally out by the time he gets here.. he addicted not just to the tobacco..but the whole 'smoking' thing in general. The motion and feel of having a cigarette in his mouth and sucking in the smoke. He needs that and dammit i fucking hate that. After about 8 hours he was able to calm down.. we ended up just driving around for awhile..i guess a car ride is one way for him to get him to clear his head. but it drove me madd.. he kept cranking the Rock station and it just gets me so manic when i drive.. to many voices. Next thing i know.. i'm waking up to tigers again.. and it's like 5 P.M. ..i totally missed my appointment to get my transcripsts cleared for school and the next step out of this bull shit city.. o well.. Monday is another day.
For now..i better rest. Maybe i can dream of an angel .. and maybe it will blur that fine line of dreams and reality that happens so mucn anymore.
.. stranger things have happened.
..>v<
domingo, agosto 15, 2004
-->> 
..nice boy known as 'fear'..
.. it all made sence much later after the facts..
.. my world was anew everyday .. ..
..as the things started to slip.. again tword the end of each 48 hour day..
.. i awoke on the floor ..everything anew..
.. a new world of chaos..
..a new world of anger..
.. a new world of not feeling ..
..a new world of dread..
..after a long 72 hour day i just needed to relax..
..i just needed to unwind.. needed to count the hours until my next day..
..but after my last 196 hour day.. i kind lost count..
..i wish i could be methed out some where ..at least someone could count for me..
..labeling a schizophrenic a schizophrenically depressed attentionhyperactive disorderes person a schizophrenic obviously became what i known as..
..well at least just the schizo..soon anyone they would hear that word..thier mental footing would.. would stumble ..they'd start to repeat themselves..
..umm .. umm .. popular words.. appearently..
..jaws would drop as if some terrible thing had stepped out of a move and the fact that i was once a human in thier eyes slowly started to manifest in to somthing retarded..
.. i am very handicapped to these people ..i am very unable to these people..
..i am what they lock in a little tiny box and bury out in the backyard next to the dead pet hamster and the pickle jar of fifty dollar bills..
.. a new world of outcast thought,emotion..
..but what is the world without emotion..
..what is the world without outcasts ??
..who would create the greatest stories ever told..the greatest masterpeices..the taken for granted inventions,thoughts,ideals and ideas that become mainstream and yet a person holding a bible would soon forget that even their saviour was once very much an outcast..imagine all the great minds taken for granted..not ever to make their ideas made whole thru' the minds' eye.. stories never told,portraits never painted,plays never acted,actors never played,sculptures never erected,songs never written or sung,wonderful inventions never to see daylight.. for those minds have shutdown..so many good things that will never happen..
..the tigers roam around these grounds.. as i woke up once again to another brave new one.. the tiger sat at the end of the bed as if he just belonged there..
..where he even came from or why the fuck he was even there to begin with was anyone's guess..an omen of some sort ..or not.. soon my world was filled with tigers.. ugly ones and beautiful ones.. evil and good and some with no explanation.. one a came across was a big as a bus.. and sometiems they even followed me everywhere..
..there was a time i was very afraid.. but at least i was nice about it..
..at least i'm sweet.. sweet like rainman.. or sweet like the sweetest bunny.. some things in another new world are so sweet to the point that the mundaneness became a world within itself..
..so much anger,so much fearfulness,so much torment,so much hidden little jewels known as secrets.. but at least i was nice about it..
..soon the days turned into a new world of hope.. blind but good..
another world invovled 2 crashing cars and the hope of death.. but that was not to be.. these days were filled with much fear.. much tigers..and much love for a person so whole,misunderstood and dear..that to take away his anguish,anxiety,confusion and fear..to make it all go away.. would have made me so happy and whole.. a dear,true friend..
..then some towers collapsed..a wolf in sheeps clothing wore a fake heart on his shoulder ..and this coward sent this new world into a whole other disaster..
..and soon and the dear sweet person i so cared for was soon gone for the towers crashed on him.. after a 144 hour day.. the towers caved in on me as well..
..there goes the hope..
..here comes the fear..
..who needs time when you are already immortal.. i wish i was on something illegal so the sterotypes that a whole world anew ..of pain.. so the sterotypical could be true..
..PLEASE..PLEASE..STOP BITING MY ANKLE..PLEASE.. gawd..fuck..
..i was't talking to myself !! The fucking little tiger was nibbing my ..wait what you didn't see that ?? ..o nevermind..
..well then where was i ..i forgot..
..and a new world.. it was darker..it was colder.. and each new day brought me closer to a chASAM..a ShcIZ'm.. and each new day was pushing me closer to that pit all along..
..i wasn't afraid.. was i.. i knew death..death knows me..we're buddies..soul mates.. she offered me new paths to escape the pain.. and a whole new world apperantly cannot delete the pain..but she could..an angel..
.. ..
..then a whole new world.. the darkest day..i wasn't afraid..
..but i was consumes with fear.. and i which was me.. and a child..i was..
..taken down to what can be the deadliest of emotions and levels..that which is love.. and hope and dreams of hope.. but the chaos of joy and emotion was too too much for the new world and the new angel i had already known.. soon i was to sleep again and all the fear that i felt on this edge of the destruction of this world was returning..i wasn't afraid.. but at least i could feel..then when i awoke..to a world where the angel would become a stake stabbing and i ..-i.. vaugly remember running with tigers..now i was running with tigers once more..pornograph..
..there is this phonograph.. playing..records.. it's in my skull.. it playes these records.. that's all an LP is.. a recording.. a mark in time..time which i don't understand or need.. it plays again..these images.. the musics and the emotional joy.. and the random feelings and regrets of a day.. in another world that is now gone.. i am no longer in that world.. i am no longer in that life.. i wish i was no longer.. but the phonograph can not record the lies i was fed.. and a phonograph cannot recall that which you were not told.. and i am still being lied to.. but not so much by the phonograph..but that which was recorded.. and i slowly went go ..am go -ing madd..
..i was like..'can i say it was the heart or can i say an angel fucked me so hard up the ass he stabbed my heart with IT ?? '..i bounced in and all around and in between the prior and the later.. but i wasn't afraid..
..awake to dust bunnies..licking my face.. it is 5 P.M. on some new world..
..and i was gone for awhile working on holiday in hell was a nice place to visit.. but the angels there were hot..but just a little too 'not nice'.. i came back to tell my father what must have been very important.. but apperantly i can't tell him for he has the patience of a hummingbird sometimes.. they'll all know ..on day..one world..
..'nother world.. 'nother angel..more levels of confusion.. more levels of love..
..like i'm some alien just visiting all these places.. not wuite knowing or understanding how i got there in the first place.. but i suppose that's the key a key into the neverending maze of doors.. and this is yet another maze.. another door..another world.. and i wonder if i am awake yet..open that door and see ..
what ?? a bathroom.. a Ninja Turtle ?? ..he points at the thing on the wall.. the taken for granted yet continually mysterious looking glass..the haunted thing a lady will carry in her purse to check on her rouge ,throw back in her purse has so much of a mythology dating back centuries.. who knows .. don't know..i guess i ahven't opened that door.. i opened the other one ..with the toilet..remember?? ..i barely do.. but as i look in the looking glass.. i wasn't afraid..snappers aren't afraid..
..and there i see .. i was afraid.. i am fraid.. for i AM 'FEAR'.. i am seven and i am fear.. and the fear me.. why should they understand me..the fear me.. i am the nightmare.. i am the questionmark.. i am the bumps in the night.. and the reason you cuddle your teddy bear / and or signifigant other.. i am what you don't know and don't want to know..i am fear.. i am the scary man with scragly beard you think will blow you up while you sleep..i am global warming..i am evrything your savior casts away with the goats.. because you don't know me.. you fear me.. i am FEAR..
.. i am afraid.. .. you are afraid.. i am FEAR.. that is why angels lie.. the Fear me.. but at least i'm nice about it..
..i would have not ever known angels could take you for granted and and hold the good things you do against you.. but fear is a powerful thing.. i must be very powerful.. for even i was blinded by my own might and the power i didn't even know i had.. i wasn't even trying to weild it.. but fear takes into anger.. and lies delve from fear and anger.. and i fell asleep to the lies..
..awake on a cold kitchen floor ..more dust bunnies hiding under the fridge.. all i could keep repeating and feeling somewhat internally was.. 'i just want a family.. i just want a family'.. and that damm phonograph.. some things in the new world i guess are pretty old ..so how come i am still 7 ?? ..i just don't understand.. but at least i know i am not afraid..i am just fear.. and i'm nice about it.. and i'm nice about it.. and i repeat myself.. and i had some fun playing penis tag with one who i felt so dear and close to long ago.. but at least it was all good fun.. at least we weren honest.. at least.. but as fear..i must be a very bad person.. a very negative person.. but i'm nice about it..that's good.. ah god i gotta headache.. DO YOU SMELL AN ASHTRAY ?? ..DO YOU SEE SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL ?? DO YOU THEM AMIDST THE JUNFLE MIST..HOW THEY ROLL AND FROLIC ?? ARE THEY AFRAID ?? WHAT COLOURS ARE THE TIGERS UNDERNEATH THOSE STRIPES ?? WHY IS MY CHEST BURNING ?? WHY DO I FEEL WARM WET ?? IT'S ALL OVER ME.. WET RED FROM MY WRISTS !! WET FROM MY PANTS ?? MY GOD..WET AGAIN FROM MY EYES !!
..my head is wet.. why is there more red.. what is on the fl -oor.. i am dizzy..
..it feels like glass in my brain.. the tiger is here.. what is he chewing.. ??
..what is he chewing.. tiger .. tiger ?? tiGER?? IS CHEWING MY HEAD !! TIGER ..STOP
..
..being attacked by a speratist..
i'm so dizzy..i guess angel lost me.. ..i see jaws.. and the madness swallowed me..
..i smell death
..it can't rain all the tiME
..funny how a place so sinister anymore can be so beautiful..
..the mist,the trees,the little birds.. the air is fresh & clean ..
..the fear is gone.. the sun is orange-red..and i can see the earth.. and i can feel my face.. all warm and wet
.. do i fall asleep again ??.. let me check the looking glass ..just to make sure.. am i Fear ?? .. wait.. .. i don't know who i am now.. but at least i'm nice about it.. i still am 7 ,TIGER..I'M STILL 7 ?? STILL ?? DAMMIT!! ..wait i wasn't talking to you..
..TIGER .. angel..
TIGER..
..mawm is that you ??
..the world anew as fear ..WAS I THAT WORLD ??
..angel is that you ??
scince when did i start smoking ..??
..i'm only 7..i can get in trou ..