{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
? ? ? ?
-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..

jueves, septiembre 02, 2004 -->> ..d4mm you,Jim White .. ..damm you and your twistedly distant ,yet hauntingly familiar lyrics.. THAT GIRL FROM BROWNSVILLE TEXAS I say “God, if you ain’t smiling on me, then you ain’t no friend of mine.” It’s late at night and this motel room’s drunk, I been listening to the lonesome wind crying. My best friend once said, “Jim, what you cling to, that’s the thing that you had best forget. For ain’t no rose bed ever gonna bloom in an untended field of regrets.” Guess I been busy killing time counting bullet holes in state line signs. I led a life of lonely drifting trying to rise above the buzzards in my mind. You get dizzy chasing ‘round the tail of what you need to leave behind. Oh sweet Jesus, won’t you help me? ‘Cause all I’m trying to do is plant them seeds of love with that girl from Brownsville, Texas. Midnight radio, a crackly white gospel station kicking out the sounds of some half-assed revival. Me, I never much cared for the feelings you get quoting scriptures from out of the Bible. For as the crow flies I know only one cure for a permanent tear in your eye. You gotta crank like hell that rope on old sorrow’s well ‘til the day that the bucket comes up dry. CHORUS Now dreams are just prayers without the put on airs… and though my history of dreams is a scandal of back-assward schemes and romantic disasters where Lord, you dealt me more cards than I could handle. Still from the lips of this half-hearted sinner comes the pledge of a half-baked saint. ‘Cause Lord I might finally be willing to become the religious fool you always wanted me to be… if in return we could just tell that girl I’m the man you and me both know that I ain’t. .. .. .. CHORUS ..~~** mumble gromble.. .. .. .. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   miércoles, septiembre 01, 2004 -->> ..tOkKie Brown.. ..some days.. it just doesn't pay to wake up on the wrong or the right side of the bed. ..not that i'm worried about a little bit more bruises on my already bruised ego. Just that damm muscle in my chest and those f7cking angels won't get outta my noggin'. Tricky days abound. ..ah f7ck.. just gettin'washed up and cleaned up can be a chore..talkin' to tigers and arguing the finer points of suicide to a neiboring wall makes the people say i've got the overactive imagination. Crossin' the Jordon of the brain ain't all that esy for some of these people. I mean..really it's not so hard ..nor really a big deal. But i guess it's kinda hard for them to tap into their own creativity when they are shrouded by their own douts. I mean.. that usually is what happenes to me when i start douting my abilites to create. But i guess.. to some of them.. i'm not gonna be more than a schiz0-effective.. but some times it ain't so bad.. i gotta scanner too ya know.. ..and in THIS theater of the mind .. :: ..tOkKie's got the key to Joe's apartment.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   lunes, agosto 30, 2004 -->> ..and small .. my teacher often associated me with this movie & it hasn't been until the past few years i've really come to appreciate it. For the first time,Mawm told that this movie reminded her alot of me. I guess i'm the schizo version of the movie 'Big', maybe Penny will call me up for the sequal.. (yah right). Altho' these 'hallucinations' and visions are just part of everyday..the feeling of 'not feeling' and the manic episodes that involve me trying to get to feel. The anxiety in general and my overal tone it's hard to see thru' the mire as to what does define me anymore. Miguel said that the schizophrenia doesn't define me.. but it does become part of life that defines much of my challenges. Last week was good work wise. I did accomlish so much. But i also was very sick twords the end of the week. I misses so many appointments and i think my therapist has dropped me as a client. I am a week late for school registration. Nothing new there.. but i think my heart ran out of my chest and tryed grinding itself up in the sinks garbage dispoaser when my teach mentioned a possible 3 more semesters at that ghost school. I don't think so. All in all.. i was very alone last week. It felt very dark as it did in 2002 before Miguel came into my heart. And last year when he just wanted to wash his hands of me. Saturday..just to clear my head i went to the old arcade in Manitou ..one of my last bations where i can feel,think, be myself.. and just feel at peace. I took photos ,played some ol' skool Ninja Turtles and Donkey Kong Jr. .. and just eased the tension in my being. It didn't last long.. as Sunday i was obsessed with the clock..i would sleep in 30 minute spurts.. the whole day. The day got stranger.. an each nap i took i had nightmares.. they blend so easy into my waking hours..i don't know what is really real anymore. One dream left me waking very nervous and waking in a cold sweat. This long haired man had a very large knife..similar to the kind i cut myself with. He was jumped onto my car smashing into my driver side window. Trying to stab my head. the dream felt like it was an hour long..i was asleep for 5 minutes. The clock was all i could focus on. More nightmares .. i didn't they made these in box sets. But for some reason i kept trying to rest. Another Dream had Miguel and Marcos staying at a hotel.. Miguel took me to the main hall and a long staircase and told me..'Marcos is coming ..he'll be here in a minute.' Sudeenly a short,fat man with a cookie duster came running down the stairs.. he grabbed me and kissed me on the mouth.. he kept hugging me and he called me his 'little sister'. Then he dropped me and ran off. Mike looked at me awkward and tole be..'Er..that wasn't Marcos.' One dream involved Mihuel and Marcos.. but i just remeber waking up crying. By the time night hit.. i didn't even want to go to mawm's to work. I just wanted to stay here and work. But my sister needed me so i took off for a few hours to work for her. I am feeling a bit right now. I feel so seven.. i just want to sit here and play. I don't want to think or to fear. Godammit..i can't even make it thru one damm post without even mentioning Miguel..god i love him so much, and dammit.. Yeh..my heart must be too damm big for it's own good. Really .. all that pain would fade.. if he just realised that i don't have the answers..i relaise now i never did.. i just want to be with Him and Marcos. I don't know how or all the little details.. i would just want to take it as it comes. But i'm that part of his life that is schizophrenic.. and i guess he just doesn't know what to do or to say about me at this time. Love works.. god i just wish him and Marcos would just be ok with me and trust me. But.. butbutbutbut.. it's just not where things are at at the moment.. 8( Well i can at least be thankful Miguel sticks by me..and still cares. And that Marcos and his hear takes care and cherishes that precious heart. I dunno. There are times i feel a very deep comfort and love. It's very strong.. and just thinking about them makes me happy. ..w0w.. i just dunno.I talk to them all the time.. i miss them so bad. It could possible be that child-like thing within me that's fighting up against that impending death of mine. So many tigers.. so many tigers i see right now..i am very dizzy. ..i better run to school and figure sh6t out. Cross-fingers and tiger paws i can get something good done today. I can do it. I'm a big boy ,ya know!! ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..