{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
? ? ? ?
-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
jueves, septiembre 09, 2004
-->>
..another -un "..
..these are the hardest days. And a love so fried and refried.. they must all think i've wasted all my energy in trying to mend this broken heart.
It gets me thru the days and other days it plays like the broken record. Continually.. these voices are drowning me..so deep ..so deep in thought i just want to be loved.
I can't turn them off anymore.. sometimes i talk to them..and sometimes it surfaces..his voice. Kind and caring..spiteful and contradicting.. warm as it has ever been. Goddammit it should just be so old by now.. Fuck ..it should just be gone and over with.
.. and it isn't .. unlike any other love i've had or felt.. this one is the most confusing helpful and painful. I don't know.. .. i wonder where my days begin and end and end and begin .. and end.
..running late for school.. the only good news i got was i may be able to take some independant study in the pre-requ's i need for degree. Other than that.. there was nothing.. craving feeling.. i've sone some bad things to me recently i just don't have the energy to talk about anymore. I was so manic they suggested i leave school. No point in staying for my teachers class when i am wanting to just fall into a giant garbage dispoasal somewhere.
.. wander and wander.. driving my mawm's car. Pop was supposed to take mine to his store to get fixed.. .. o well.. dammit. He makes the time to get the parts for my friend's stripped car left in my driveway.. but he can't help me get mine working correct. Eh.. whatever.
..it kinda was always like that. when i was younger.. my friends would come over and my father seemed to 'pal' around with them more.. like i wasn't a good enough son, but my friends were great to act like a dad to them ?? It's always happened ..i got a little used to it. It got better down the road.. we used to be closer. It was cool to even see movies with him. But i'm just so alienated right now. He doesn't know what the f7ck is going on. Maybe it just won't happen at all ..EVER.
They'll always love me. But they judt don't know.. they just don't get it. Maybe now that i'm big it just doesn't matter. Fighting the cravings of death of oneself is so hard.. goddammit it's so hard. Fighting for my heart is almost impossible.
.. these are the things we just don't understand.. these are the things i just can't make clear to Miguel and Marcos..
.. god.. quotes and un-quotes..somedays i'm just grasping at paper straws..
.. .. dammit i'm so sick of Bush's voice.. god shut the fuck up ,president shitstick.. ..THEY AREN'T DOING ANYTHING IN GOD's NAME !! ..IF ANYTHING THEY ARE LIVING EMBODIMENT OF TAKING THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN !! .. truth sucks don't it ..some mysteries are easy to figure if they'd just get over that thing called Ego..
..leggo my ego..
>v<
martes, septiembre 07, 2004
-->>
..problems and problems in the valley of props & problems
..even in my extreme exhaustion and to catch-up with that rarely understood word known as sleep.. i'm suddenly awake again..just having had my trillionth dream of him and this other person i'm so confusedly in love with. wake up..go pee and grab a glass of Kool-aid.. It's nice and cold and i just happen to like the taste of artificial grapes. All sticky and sweet ..graple and purple.. GRAPE.. i might as well be drinking juice from the Grape scratch-and-sniff sticker company that ol' plant 42 in Hoboken,New Jersey that punps into their vats thru' tubes for their quarter of a million stickers they ship out each day to the sniff-envy of happy sticker book children everywhere. Nothing magical,calorie free,lo-carb here.. i'm drinking it cuz it tastes good to me. All things i enjoy today,indulge in and savour are fairly,mostly simple. And maybe it's related to the things i didn't ever seem to grow out of.. Like Ninja Turtles,Pac-Man cereal and Kool-aid. If everyday is a blur anyway.. it all just gets smudged around into the amalgam that is me. Sure i enjoy good things and new things.. but when it's down to the baisics.. i still eanjoy a big bowl of Count Chocula with alot of SKIM MILK. I still enjoy a can of vegtable soup.. the kind that managed to survive the Atkins and Chunkys of the world..and really..the guy that get's told down by his sister cuz he was eating the soup with the stars in it ..well ..he was ok. I dout i'll suddenly become this bad person if i don't go with the souper (tee-hee)fancy 3 dolalr soup with the lima beans,fat noodles and extra peas and chunks made out of real chunks of other things..and carrots.. yeah don't forget those (..yeh..yir like durr what the f8ck is tOkK getting at ??).
Much of these things are just trivial at best. But as someone so paranoid as to psYcho-analyZE everything,every action,every voice.. every detail of this chaos ..every problem. It does seem as this is a bloominf feild of flowers.. continually blooming.. continually sprouting new ,neautiful problems.. some more deadly than others. But like that one famous movie.. the ods are stacked against you. And the problems and the pods and the world of problems.. you live,breath, and feel the struggle and move forward as best you can. And problems and problems and more problems. Everything is just a problem. Poppies seem so perfect..so beautiful and radiant. But the flowers in this valley just bloom and thrive.. my gawd. Then there is something like what happened to me and Miguel. Sort of this dandy lion. Itself a little problem of it's own.. but one that has created a rift in this valley..and now i just don't understand anything anymore. Poor Miguel is swamped with so much work. I sent him out his box full of stuff ..they sent it back to me simply cuz he wans't able to make the time to pick it up. I'll sned it back.. ..so i'll send it back out. It f8cks with me a little ..(did he really want it.. did he care ?? ) ..no i trust and gather conclusions that there just wasn't time. I guess within' the valley of problems there are more problems. These days i'm so far lost,removed from everything and anyone.. so very alienated from my family. And even freinds just a matter of months ago i was so close to. Increasingly i am alone with more problems..sure.. my mamw and pop are here,Sara..and even my mean sister Kate. But alone with my heads and my tigers. You do get so entrapped in your own head. so entrapped..suddenlt you hear of something about Russia, lost families and dead kids and you jsut cry cuz the chaos you encounter is so minute compared to the chaos a small town thousands of miles away is sorting their way thru'. Your thoughts go to them. And the problems and the props and the struggle in this valley continue.
Friday in a last ditch effort to get my already 2 plus week late schedule & classes under control at the school.. i ran to the school made a bad turn which i'll have to pay for.. & if i was jsut subject to something of routine,the typical .."o' he is smokin' weed or summin' .." stereotype i always get,or simply a victim of some due quote..i just don't know. I also don't remember seeing a car that i supposedly almost hit as i was turning (likely story) ..i got charged with a D.U.I.D. (drugs) ..a trip to the hospital..fully being polite about the thing,taking their pee tests..feeling sunk cuz i'd missed my appointment at school and knowing i was gonna have to kiss Friday goodbye. I have a court date for next month ..and reccommendations from the police to talk about my driving issue. I drive cuz i have too.. and it's near immpossible to get around this sh6t city to get things done without a car.. yeh like i'm suddenly just driving behind everyone's backs and my therapist and doctor and who the f6ck knows..possibly i'm not acctually trying to make myself independant. Maybe i'm down in the Safeway parking lot late at night doin' the Doob.. jesus.. f8cking morons. Many smart and intelligent people drive..and they just so happen to have M.S. or be deaf..or have schizophrenia. O wait.. that's not possible right ?? We don't want to be independant right ?? No. jsut stick us in a big box somewhere and label it vegtabels .. sh7t!! F9cking morons !! People are people. I'm not a perfect driver.. but i am a good driver !! I know what to do and how to be safe and what to do if i need to ger myself together. Gaw.
Increasingly..(again it's the norm here..still hard to deal with..) rationalizing all these problems in the valley of problems lead me to wanting a gun and thoughts of guns and just wanting to take a gun,suck on it and pull it's trigger. I don't want to hurt anyone..i just want to be at peace. Then there on the ground is that f7cking dandy lion. Voices just don't stop,somewhat vacant shells of hope and dreams wave around in the air like the poppies' poison. Yet maybe Miguel is just as lost as i am. It's nice to know Marcos is of equal and sound mind. Often the void Mig needed filled so bad..yet somehow as i tried.. i just couldn't. I'm very sure there are so many days and hours (durr) Mig doesn't even give me a second thought. Perhaps even a twinge of fear is racing in Mig and Marcos when my name is the rare time my name is mentioned. It doesn't matter. I'm stuck with that little bit of small hope. It's always on my mind. And even if the day would come Miguel could just say..
"We don't have the answers..but it's ok.. we love you..we'll figure it out.. it's ok." ..
..it's like all some pipe dream. I dunno.
..and too get out of the valley i can only imagine and work and struggle.. the poppies are pretty thick right now. Just beyond that.. Scarecrow and friends find something far vast and grand than all their hopes and dreams combined.
..yeh,i can deffly say i'm sick of poppies.
..>v<