{ the dead archival }
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sábado, octubre 02, 2004 -->> ..millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror.. ..trying to avoid the voices and the heads ..i've been diving like mad into my artwork,playing video games and playing so many damm Dvd videos (like those re-edited Star Wars vids i got the other week.. gah) .. distracting myself with folly and pure plastic bull sh6t. I sence my quickening is at hand ..more and more. The voices get a bit subdued.. but don't ever seem to leave me. sometimes my toleration level of them is of extreme an extreme discipline. Driveing had made this crucial to block the chaos out of my mind. Where my heart is driven tho' beyond all this is so maddening within itself. Why must the voices scream at me. Yell ,taunt.. carry on the bull shit conversations of dead places and things they blame on me that are not my doing or fault ?? Of all the voices.. 'His' is the most strong. He doesn't go away. Miguel's voice just consoles at times,sooths..and scorns. It sometihng i should be used to ..but i cannot seem to get him loosed. He drives me to the tastes of more hopeful times.. and the bitter end that seems to be looming. It hurts so much anymore.. gaw FUCK !! Marcos's voice is there .. he is the voice i cannot hear. Yet somehow it is there. Perhaps because i want it to be.. or need it to be. But the perpetual fear they all have of me has brought me to screaming with my own voice. Wondering which voice will haunt me next .. fearful of what thy may tell me. Knowing i won't hurt anybody. I don't work like that .. i always hurt myself ten-fold before i strike out at someone. The more i try to shake Miguel's and Marcos's voices.. the more i go mad.. the more i smash my head into the walls.. and the more i need to hear Miguel's real voice. God i just want to be with them.. god kill me.. .. my head is exploding again.. more and more voices.. what the fuck am i hearing anymore.. and who the fuck is listening to all these ?? It cannot be just me. The tigers cannot jsut be made of paper.. i cannot be madd.. ..the frustrations and anxieties of all these blurs.. bluring,screaming..mixing.. mixing up. To the point perhaps my brain is conversing with itself. Perhaps i have several brains.. perhaps i'm many differant individuals and i jsut don't know it. I am rarely able to converse to the heart of those that i love so much anymore. Especially Miguel. I have become some distant thing. Yet an event horizon which deeply he is so blank and fearful of. We just draw so many blanks anymore. ..i miss him so much.. ..Tony said i need a vacartion. I am so burnt out on the burn out. But the only palce i want to go is down south to see Miguel and Marcos.. yet their fear as justified or unjustified as it is ..screams at me. Silence is golden and yet that too screams. Gold screams. ..falling out of sleep .. and into more of this non-reality. God i hope i make it thru' court at the end of the month. I wish his voice was hear right now..whispering to me..soothing me again. Calming me.. letting me cry and letting all out. Comfortable in hope. ..but no. This voice needs to scream right now. ..literally.. ..and i will .. now. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   miércoles, septiembre 29, 2004 -->> ..milk builds strong bones.. ..this scientific X-ray shows that this is what we all look like inside.. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..