{ the dead archival }
** SCRATCH & DENT ARCHIVE OF ALL PAST POSTS : 2002 - 2008 Here @ **
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-->> tOkKA's main BLOGG - KRIB ( 4 now ) can be found HERE ::
@ ..quoting Macbeth .. :: ? ? .. ..
martes, octubre 12, 2004
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..it hurts so much ..goddamit shit..
..>v<
lunes, octubre 11, 2004
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..corridor..
I'm sorry that i'm such a dark person. I don't try to be.. nor has it ever been my intention to go out of the way just try to make everone think i just have this awful life. Much of the time ..i will readily admit how lucky i am to have had the experiences in my exsistance that i've had.. and known so many wonderful people and had so many wonderful souls touch my heart. My philosophy on death ..always has puzzled others..even me at times. Yet i stand by..the best of my abilities at my right to die. Nonsensicle as it may be.. dark as i can get. You know sh6t..if people don't want to read the bullsh6t i type here .. then why the fuck do they?? .. Click on someone else's blog.. click on the mundane or the wonderful things people are typing.. or the political breakdowns of the day and to why 'George W. Bush' is such a wonderful man. The blogg started out as a means for me coping.. if people read the thing or not.. or cared or not it didn't matter. It was a personal thing i used to just express the days,good and bad..chaotic or not. When i'm to the point where i am so dark tho' .. i am hesitating to post on my idiot web journal for fear of offending someone..it's kind of fucked up.
..i don't go out of my way to bitch about others..or hurt anyone. I am not trying to make myself a victim..nor am i trying ..i simply can't make sence of barly anything in this fucking exsistance. And yet this very same blog has been used for me and yet at the same time used against me. I'm just damm lucky for now that my family hasn't fucking caught on after all this time and read any of it. Especially the whole 'gay' thing. I'm very happy for Miguel and Marcos.. but again..things up here aren't going so well.. and i'm so happy they are 'out' down there.. but if my family finds out about the shit that has gone on the past few years.. well.. i'm not ready for any aftermath when this shit is blown out of the water and everyone knows. My sister knows and the very closest of people whom i really trust know. ..butt hat is as far as it is right now. but that is only part of the whole. The tip of the iceberg has more than enough to sink it. It's my problem. Right ?? I gotta be what everyone wants me to be ..then bend over backwards 5 times.. shove my head up my ass and do all i can to try to live the way Miguel would want me to. I mean shit..
..i'm fried,burntout, tired.. yet i'm still doing all this and more.. my strength is waining more and more. The same bull sh6t is trown out day in and day out at me. And here i am..
..what ?? How much maddness,pain,tigers,pills,hospitalizations,talking heads, and doctors do i need ?? This shit has been going on scince i was a kid .. w.T.F. people want from me?? I'm FUCKING SORRY .. !! I'm sorry i want to fucking die ..
I'm sorry i'm schizophrenic.. and i'm so fucking sorry everything i do and say does against your convictions.. and that i just can't get my brain checked in for a new one !! Yes,..i am dark.. alot. Yes.. people have it alot worse than me. No shit !!
.. i'm sorry !! Ok..
it's my corridor. while everyone seems to run out of things to say..
..sometimes that's all i can say.. is.. 'Sorry' ..
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Me and cousin were able to hook up for several hours. It's nice to have someone there on a late Sunday to help me do laundry,grab some food and be with. It's very rare nowadays so..i'll take what i can get. It's strange how Christopher Reeve did come up in the conversations. Cousin and my J.B. are huge Superman fans.. especially J.B. ..damm ;Reeves very well was Superman to J.B. ..
J.B. is deaf and also has a pretty sevear cerebral palsy.. cousin has cerebral palsy as well. Both are two of the strongest people i know. J.B.'s favourite things in life include Superman. I didn't think Superman movies were bad.. just growing up..it wasn't my favourite. But still ..they were always there,always on..and so many of my friends loved that.
J.B. really found alot of self-worth and strength in Reeve (i've seen it myself) .. J.B. also has made strides but kept pushing thru' ..while finding alot of strength in Reeve's plight. Incredible !! Reeve may even have gotten type-cast as Superman.. but really i think it truly is fitting to have that. He'd been a very important and inspiring person in two peoples' lives i care alot about.
Me and Cousin were on the way back to his place from the laundry..talking and kidding around about my goofy uncle. My uncle is a real dingbat and said something really confusing one time on a news cast featuring Reeve. Something about a Superman referance..i don't remember.. me and Cousin were kind of laughing about it whatever it was.. the radio was on in the background. 30 secongs later or so..just as cousin was getting out of the car..the BBC radio had mentioned that Reeve had just passed. We both were very crushed.
.. ..it just really sucks..
..>v<