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sábado, octubre 23, 2004 -->> ..silly ..pure exhaustion a little bit of laziness and obsessive deversion that is 'TMNT 2:Battle Nexus' for my Ps2 has been filling these blurs called hours so. But today i get to do something fairly meaningful. Going to Denver with Antonio to see Billy Corgan and hopefully get my book signed by him at 'Tattered Cover'shoppe ..we are going to the poetry reading and i guess song session later at 'Soiled Dove'. ..to say i'm excited is prolly a good way to put it. To the point i wanna cry so hard. I'll do my best to maintain composure. And i'm excpecting it to be very VERY huge.. with thick crowds.. all this is going to be bananas. Especially the reading thing. ..Billy Corgan could put out a line of ultra-flamable sleep wear or foam cups with his bald visage and i'd prolly buy it. The guy is so much part of my life ..especially anymore. I'm not the S.P. super-fan.. but i have just near everything S.P. and Corgan has put out in some form of vinyl or CD ..i gotta lotta jung all related to him. I cannot name discographys or nothing. In fact.. of the few people i know that really like anything Billy related ..i only met one that was very obsessed. I heard he is an asshole.. i hear he is real sweet.. i hear alot. I have no f8cking clue. I grew up on Smashing Pumpkins.. but it wasn't until 1996 and that dreaded 'Tonight Tonight' became just one of the most beautiful songs i've ever heard. The video is extremly lovely too. whatever.. he's an artist ..and him n' his people are souls i've really grown to cherish. I got so much differant music..more than i prolly know what to do with.. but odds are..if all else fails.. S.P. or Billy ends up going into the players for me to listen to. The ups and downs and twists and turns on just about everything the guy has done seems to have parrallel with me.. weird. Four years ago..when S.P. was breaking up..they were chicago one last time together. I couldn't afford to go.. i was crushed. This isn't the same. But it's really like anything i've done before. Yeh ..my life has been lame in those regards. But tonight.. tonight ( 8p ) i getta meet ..maybe breifly.. someone i really meet and admire and love. Book in hand.. i hope i get to shake his hand !! o l0rd.. wish me luck !! ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   miércoles, octubre 20, 2004 -->> .. west virginia.. ..sleeping all but 30 minutes in a two day period Monday and Tuesday.. .. only in in these manic times is my body stretchig itself to these strange limits. It's nothing special..it's nothing to be proud.. and don't kid yourself.. other than prescrips.. i'm clean. People can go weeks without sleeping.. my own record for zero sleep is 8 days. SOmehow managing to make it to school at a relativly decent afternoon hour to get started ob a rediculous online technical writing class i don't even want to take anyway. Give my fucking degree already,morons. O wait..let's get technical. "Some one site down. Take a few hours. Go over my millions of credits. Help me subsitute class 'A' for Credit 'B' ..when Credit 'D' is Required for me to have taken class 'E' ..take a look at Classes 'C' ,'F' , and 'G' .. or class 'Z' and choose the one that closely resembles 'E' ..fill in with one of prior mentioned classes for a substitute ..write it in as 'THE SUBSTITUTE FOR CLASS E' . Write out certificate or degree '1','2', or '3'. Insert into my hand ..'X' or 'Y' and let me get the fuck out of college 'P'. " After seeing doctor. A few hours at school.. missing calling Miguel.. struggling to get into the class.. bumping around the idiot book store..too exhausted to be stressed. Two trips to the fucking Money Machine ATM .. 87 $$ for a godaamm fucking book for an already pointless and consuming class. Whatever. I guess i have no choice. I am beyond burnout from school. I hate school. And here i am. Fuck. Sure ..fine i know how 'Lucky' i am.. so .. ok. Try to step into these shoes and figure out all this fucking chaos. I've been in school scince fucking Kindergarden ..no graduation..no degree from anything.. not even high school. No breaks.. no nothing.. just year after year of school. Where do you count your lucky stars.. where do you count your success and failure. If it goes on long enough. You stop counting it all. My days and nights are not even there. There is no time. Maybe you see this as complaining. But you don't feel the hurt behind these words..flashing on your screen at the speed of light. Still.. even if your on dial up. Pretty damm fast .. faster than any late 19th centurt inventers had it. Alexander Gramm ..somthing or other. I crashed so fucking hard when i got back here.. My dreams wander down a country road ..as i woke ..about 1/2 past midnight.. the large tiger was next to me. sleeping. It was breathing. He was warm.. his back was touching mine. My muscles are so weak. I was in a fetal postition on me left side. It was very warm in the bed. Very sweaty.. i was trying to move.. but i couldn't. Miguel's voice was saying something in the distance. Perhaps he was talking to Marcos. I don't know. My pillow was wet again.. and my eyes were burning. The tiger slowly melted. I don't know where he went. My muscles were still so weak. Especially my upper arms. Usually that's a sign for me to do some push-ups and crunches. I do these about every night.I could hear my heart. I still can. Pounding in my skull. It doesn't hurt. But it was making me nervous. My muscles started twitching. I was having a seizure. How long does 'Longing' go on?? How long is the pain and chaos ?? Does this shit have an end ?? Actually i wish i was doing a fucking line of heroine. can never shake the stereotpe of being a drug addict. If i was doing this shit .. people's stereotypes would be true. And yeh i guess my body and mind would be fucked up even more so .. but i'd be alot happier. I still know that guy downtown. I met another gentleman at the fucking Wal-mart parking lot the other morning. Why not just use this stereotype to my advantage and use it to get me something to make this shit go away. It's prolly why my mawm is a fucking drunk ..so she doesn't have to feel the pain.. right?? I'm just asking questions and recycling more of this shit ..aren't i .. godammit. Is this why Miguel and Marcos won't give me chance ?? Am i that chaotic a soul .. ?? Is that why they fear me ?? Godammit..godamm my heart. I didn't mean to feel at home with Miguel. I didn't mean to find hope in Marcos and i just can't explain it. I just want to feel 'home'. I just want them to love me,trust me.. give me chance. I just want them to accept me in a positive light. But no matter what good i do.. .. you just wanna go home. I just want them to take me home. I want to feel loved again and belonged. I want to love ..and make them feel belonged. .. ..now..ove again .. the wants and fears recycle into a hodge-podge of ramble words noone prolly will read or understand anyway. And it hurts again. More lines to add to blogg.. and really i just need to do a LINE.. ..if you made it to this last line.. you deserve a cookie. ..>v< ..? ? ? ? ?..   lunes, octubre 18, 2004 -->> ..while you were out.. ..chaos doesn't stop.. to rest my mind and ease all this sh6t.. goddam. I lost about 4 days of sleep last week. Not that i really keep track.. but i'm so mixed up ..i cannot balance my waking and sleeping hours. I had a dream ..it was like a soothing torcher. Mig used to call me 'My David..' it was the closest to a pet name i got i guess. Whatever the case..they are 2 words i've not heard in a long time. Prolly won't. But there was a time when they were very soothing. At the burned into head and singed my heart. Sad thing is.. those 2 words still are very comforting.. if now..very haunting. I dreamed Mig was there.. i couldn't sleep.. it was simple.. my cheeck was touched with the backside of a hand. Fingers gently rolled over my eyes.. and 'Go to sleep,My David.. it'll be ok. ' as all i could hear.. i woke up to the radio interview of Michael Moore and something about Fahrenheit 911 ..just seems to piss everyone off nowadays..least around here. I dunno.. it was weird..i was 1/2 concious. The phone rang.. it was a recording of some woman and somthing about early voting. Then a voice i was always scared of.. but one i've grown to loath the past 5 years.. President W. was on the recording.. blah blah blah.. some bullsh7t about early voting.. ..i was fried..this was the last thing i wanted or needed to here. The only thing i approved of in his recorded message was referance to this state as 'COLORADUH' ..yeh well.. he said 'Thank Yuh' ..then the recording hung up.. .. i told him to go f7ck himself.. ..yeh..alot good that does.. gee.. .. >v< ..? ? ? ? ?..