11152007 // 2 octaves above middle C

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-->>..November scream .. December blur..tired tired eyes..

..dark aire .. kill your browser..you won't understand a fucking thing i say anyway..right ??

..no days .. no nights.. no time.. noone..that's what the illness does sometimes ??

.. my mother's shadow looms..tho' it retains less the sinister characteristics,thankfully.

I do care for her deeply.. i shall try to be as thankful as i can for this while it lasts.

She still deludes herself..same as when she drinks :: her schizo-fag son writhes on her nerves. A fact she has been screaming about on rare but odd times. I've been raising my voice. 'This game' .. this game she claims isn't,wasn't , can't be.. the topic is dead to me. Or maybe more moot than dead.
The sky remains blue, the wars remain destructive, the toilet water remains blue. Fact is and was. It always will be. Even when i am not 'real'.. i still must be something. It's not about being a homosexual or a bisexual or whatever she wants me to call it.. it's not about the schizophrenia or my slow climb to achieve whatever the fuck i am trying to achieve anymore.
Part of it is a struggle for words even i cannot come up with anymore. I have fumbled thru' this confusing existence having to explain evey single fiber of my being, my actions, my genes, my jeans. Colorado Springs will not ever be a place i can be accepted.. because it failed to be my home along time ago. I am glad my my ma can accept the place after all this time. And havea sence of moderate peace about this fuckhole of a city. While it'll always be my city of birth..it just isn't my "HOME".

As usual .. I know nothing what anything retains or means in time. Legacy and generation are words i may grasp the dictionary meaning of.. but to grasp a word beyond the meaning.. i wonder.. i really wonder:: i think you have had to have felt it at some point. Maybe i haven't crossed those roads yet. Maybe i won't or can't. Someone i onced loved was worried' about my legacy at one time. But those things subside as the chaos just kept taking me for it's ride. And somehow .. another train derailed.. and here i am again.

Communication with loved ones and so called loved ones remains a headache. At some point tho' .. it needs to level off. When the headache becomes a migraine..then the migraine becomes a nightmare :: obsession and confusion sets in. While i know a scattered attention span is the order for many nowadays ( i am no exception ), communication becomes ridiculous when people fail ..after trying my patience to the point of maddness ( no ,literal.. i keep having so many breakdowns anymore.. all i need is that gun ,that is my best medicine right now ).
People just need to stop saying to me " I'll call you.. i'll this.. i'll email you.. i'll that.." ..over ..and over and over andoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandoverandover.. .. - - - to infinity.
You loose graps of the situation.. you become confused, you wonder 'WHY' ..and what you did wrong. How it got to this point. Resentment .. more confusion. Pure anger..self-violence on my body after i become numb,panic .. ..disillusionment ..perhaps more ange ..ok ALOT MORE, .. and then maybe :: conplacent.

I become another villian.. i am 'the crazy' one.. and after all ..what a wonderful and cheap scapegoat :: .."Well he's schizophrenic.. noone understands him anyway."

.. ok cool.

I gave them "Shit .." for after they hurt me so bad .. but they are more than ok to continue to throw thier shit at me and the fan.. and like i've said.. the shit hit the fan and they kept lobbing it until it took the fan with it.

Ah ..the state of the planet ..in some cases so it seems.

Politicians do nothing for me.. "Rock the vote" ..or rock with your cock out.. i "OH EIGHT" means nothing to me..

..bitter ?? I wish i saw it like that .. .. all that was sucked into the void with everything else ..and the time..and the legacies.. and the nothing that i remain despite all that has happened even within' this year. This strange ..strange calander year of some sort. And another run-on sentence.

'Suicide' remains thier bad word. Let it be. I still see only logic within' this. As the gun refuses to judge.. the facinating device is a terrible thing. But forward it goes .. and my direction.. it's ultimate aim shall be me. While i'd often hoped to die much more horrifically..it's simplicity is welcomed anymore as my heart and brain refuse to settle thier differences.

As those who had used me.. or sought to use me.. or are een now..(trying to 'USE' me right now.. stabbing the turnip and hoping to obtain blood ) .. San la Muerte just stays there ..in every other thought. Always in my dreams. I have not seen her in nightmares. She has not ever been anything of nightmares. But path i walk with her is not yet complete..tho' once again the path with her is riddled with more tigers and an ever thicker fog. Perhaps soon..when i least expect it she will full embrace me and i will forever be silent. Naw.. it's not suicide.. it's freedom..and a complete cycle of chaos. San La Muerte is good.


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My newest EX.. the few i've had ..left his stains and wounds on me. His photo remains at my bedside. I think of him too much ..and he still lives in his angel world of fluffy clouds and 'Hello Kitty' despite the pain he caused.. he seems to continue to not give a fuck who he hurts in his wake of marshmallow fluff and confusion. While i had wasted massive amounnts of energy trying to wrap my head around all of it, he retains 'Himself' as higher and better than anyone. While i still try to convince myself he is a good person. He continues to play me like fucking cello. Now the strings are breaking.. ..even after the initial breakup, one of the most confusing delluded and secluded ones i have ever had. I am not sure how much longer i can retain a grasp of 'HIM' ..but before the floodgates crack under the pressure and flood the opera hall, i am trying to maintain as much level thinking as i can. No .. ain't easy for the schzo-snapper. I'll try not to bitch about it tho'. Still don't get it , tho'.

(SP)

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As the world falls apart.. i try to do 'my part' to at least retain the "WHATEVER".. i will be in a gracious and kind friend's sequential art show. It's nice ..for once to be seen as an actual comi book artist.. and not just some crazy 'fine-art phuck'. But it's a tricky balance as much art as i am trying to complete,personal projects,all the TMNT fan news, and the wonderful chaos ..o the chaos.. i have to keep up with so much. I get slow some parts of the year.. but i keep my promises and i :: "GIT HER DONE".

.. i get things done.. i follow thru'.

Fag,schizo .. whatever.. if the bastards had thier way i would be typing this in my delusions in the state psych-ward in Pueblo.

Yet this puppeteer,animator,designer,cartoonist,comic artist,writer,pop-artist,fine artist,.. mama's schizophrenic and homosexual son..

..this suicidalist near the heart of Bush's country.. ..

..is typing this.

Dunno what it means..



right now.. i am really fucking dark. I am getting numb tho' .. :/



..Oi got shit to do. Court in a few hours.. dammit.

(( ah, ma.. can't you just be happy with me.. can't you just not be conflicted by me ..)) .."Schizophrenic and gay.. schizophrenic and gay .. opera.. opera.. "

HA HA .. HA HA HA ..

..god, that gun .. well alone i remain to deal with such details.. back to that in a few moments.


Hmm.. the fucks don't understand a word i am saying still ?? They still are bothered that i am trying to make them think .. even without even trying ?!

..maybe they'd understand it if handed them a brick and told them to shove it up thier rectum. Hell .. i'll even help them out if they wish.

.. or perhaps.. they'd like to listen to the cello. "F-holes" ..


..can't think - -


bravo, maestro .. i wasn't ever anything to you.

..heh


..>v<

Etiquetas: (sp), cello, Schizophrenia, terrible2z.com, tiger, tOkKa